Starting out

Hi!

I'm a 22 year old religious Israeli, studying in a Yeshiva (religious college). I've been addicted since age 14. All my life, I've known that PMOing is bad; it's against our religious law. But once I discovered all the bad things the internet has to offer, I couldn't stop. Our computers at home have advanced filters, but I've always been able to find ways to bypass them. In my teens, I used to PMO a couple of times a week. When I started Yeshiva, I managed to digress to PMOing once or twice on the weekend we came home, which was once every third weekend. During my second year I was dealing with many issues and hardships, and would MO in the dormitory about once a week, plus PMO whenever I was home, as a way to deal with the stress (which I eventually realized wasn't helping at all but making it worse). Third year I toughened up and got back to only PMOing when I went home.
Things changed when I was drafted into required military service. I started out as a combat fighter, but both basic and advanced training were super stressful. I would PMO almost the instant I got home, every 12 days (never PMOed in the army, only at home). It got to a point that I was afraid that if I wouldn't PMO at home, I wouldn't be able to survive the next couple of weeks of training.
After advanced training I was reassigned to a non-combat unit, and things got worse. I was in a very tough place, emotionally-speaking, I now had a different commander who was very tough on me. Add to that, I would come home every thursday and would PMO 2-4 times during the weekend.
This left me incredibly drained at the start of every week, which usually led to another bad week.
About a month before the end of my service, I was reassigned to another non-combat unit and would come home every day. Emotionally- I was in a much better place, and was getting ready to go back to my Yeshiva at the end of the service, but I was way too addicted at this point to be able to stop PMOing. Probably did it almost every day.

About 45 days ago, I thought: enough is enough. I've tried quitting many times in my life, especially the last 4 years, without much luck. I've read several books and articles on the matter, I understand completely what's bad about PMOing, but I realized that I never managed to internalize it enough.
During the last few months of service some of my friends started getting married, as did my brother, and I realized that even if I were to get married without overcoming this problem - and the chances are slim - then I'd have a very tough relationship with my wife.
I've also come to realize that many hardships that I've experienced in my life - inability to internalize and fully understand certain religious studies, certain aspects of my social anxiety, lack of energy, depression, mood swings, creative blockage - may very well be rooted in my PMOing.

So, 45 days ago I started out, using a 90 days program made by a different website, but whenever I went home, I started PM Edging, wrongfully thinking it didn't count as Relapsing. I have found that I have less of a need to reach an orgasm, but still can't control urges to PM.
So after doing some more reading, I found this site, which seems promising, and have started out again, this time with Hard mode. Hope it'll go better this time.

 

Thanks!