Starting to fetishize being single!

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Reborn16, Sep 27, 2021.

  1. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys, I just have to write down what's going on with my views on relationships...

    Fair warning, this turned out to be a long post!

    I started using porn around 10, figured out it was problematic like junk food at 25, and am now at 31 with much less porn use, but I still use it.

    In school I was bullied by girls and guys, and struggled to find any path for 5 years after graduating.

    My life has improved a lot. I have given up cigarettes, junk food, rarely drink, have started working out and my social anxiety is 10% of what it used to be when I'm on a streak.

    I can talk with my parents without getting defensive about why my life isn't going anywhere. I have a few friends I keep in contact with. And while I have been unemployed since 25, I have been studying and volunteering this whole time, and am just a few months away from graduating in a new field and being able to pay my way in life.

    The problem is, during this 5 year self-improvement process, I've largely ignored my sex life. With just a few attempts at dating.

    As a result, I am finding more anxiety and resentment with my sex life.

    I've been single all my life, with the exception of a few casual partners, and I've only been on a few dates in the last 2 years.

    I use porn less, but when I do go off track, I often engage in unhealthy sexual habits.
    This has ranged from calling phone sex chats and pretending to be their slave, to paying random women on the internet to insult me, to visiting domme women to worship them, and once meeting women from online in a shopping centre and buying hundreds of dollars worth of products for them.

    Now, when I see couples in everyday life, I am starting to sexualise it...

    A girl might notice me looking at her for a second, even though she's walking hand in hand with her boyfriend, and she gives me a smile.

    This is probably just normal. But I take it as her signalling "that's right, you can look but you can't touch".

    I used to watch cuck porn. But haven't in years.

    Maybe just seeing women and masturbating to them on a screen has made me a real voyeur who can't imagine myself in a relationship with them...?

    I imagine that women and couples can sense that I don't have a sex life and view me as a non-threat.

    And therefore I'm only worthy to watch, pay for things for their attention, maybe be a slave of some kind.

    This is fucked up, I know I am fucking up my chances of dating women, finding someone right for me, and one day starting a family.

    I feel even if I did get into a relationship now, I would be missing out on opportunities to live out this fetish. Like being a cuck / slave / loser is somehow healing trauma from when people bullied me in school, or for how I've been single for so long...?

    Who's struggling with this too?

    Who was here and made it out?

    How do I date women when I get turned on by being single / rejected?
     
    Christoph108 likes this.
  2. DeeJ4y

    DeeJ4y Fapstronaut

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    Realize that you fantasy is porn induced. You are not meant to be anyones slave. Read a book called no more mr. Nice guy it could help.
     
    Reborn16 likes this.
  3. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for that! You know it's funny I heard about this book a few times, even saved it on my 'buy list' but life got in the way and then I forgot about it.

    I just got it on kindle and getting through the first chapter, a lot of things are resonating with me:

    There's discussing about how we view the world, and only seeing what we want to see. This makes me think of how I interpret attractive women and couples around me.
    It recommends choosing a male therapist, I've only even seen female ones.
    And the part about keeping emotions to myself I know all too well.

    I'm getting through this book and taking personal notes. Thanks again. I presume this is no silver bullet and will take a lot of action on my part, but I have some useful information to put into practice now!
     
    DeeJ4y likes this.
  4. Ray S

    Ray S Fapstronaut

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    I can relate.

    I am 35 and I was bullied as well during puberty and watched a lot of porn.

    Because of this I also feel like I am watching from the side lines.

    Also developed a femdom fetisch towards porn.

    By suggestion on this site I am having therapy by a male psychologist that is specialized in sexuality.

    Are you planning on working or full time studying?
    I think it's also important to establish a working career.
     
  5. Randombro

    Randombro Fapstronaut

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    Can you write why you are in therapy and in which way a sexual therapist can help you? What techniques does he use etc
     
  6. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

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    That sounds like a good plan. I hope to book a time with a male psychologist soon too. I typically avoid talking about vulnerable stuff with guys in person, but I will trust in the process and advice and try something new.

    I've done full time study for a few years and just about to finish. This is good, I just have the anxiety of basically self-promoting to get into a job soon. I'll have to impress employees, and I can't have the underlying story "I'm not good enough" as my blueprint when doing this, that's for sure.

    I think femdom is a natural progression if we either a) have less sex than we want and/or b) already have issues like bullying or loneliness. It's just porn that reinforces a negative view of oneself.

    I'll be honest though. I want to experience being sub to a woman in real life, without any porn or prostitution. Speaking for me, I find the power dynamic fun, and always found women who had some extra confidence attractive. But I probably need a good break from all porn before that time. Or maybe it's just been my interest for too long and it'll go away with normal sex. Who knows...

    How about you man?

    What's your plans in other areas of life? Study/work or otherwise?
     
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2021
  7. Ray S

    Ray S Fapstronaut

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    Because I need to start dating women.
    For reasons to build something emotionally and on the long term also financially with a female.

    I feel lost in femdom escorts and porn.

    One of the tips from the therapist is to give yourself 3 compliments a day to build confidence.

    Keep it simple, with compliments ranging from: I managed to go to the gym today, I skipped a porn session, I was on time at work today.
     
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  8. Ray S

    Ray S Fapstronaut

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    It is definitely a combination of a and b.

    But also a complex system of feeling unworthy on an unconscious level and releasing during Mastr.
    Also naturally wanting women and serving them in a way and meet their requirements makes us men do absurd things.
    Basically all men serve women in a way , is it trough loving and caring and/or financial support.
    Being directly sexually submissive from first meeting with a woman is not really productive, I think.

    So you can't really point one reason to why femdom sexual acts are so addictive to some men.

    Like you said first of all, I need a women to reduce my lack of sex and loneliness.

    Also I need a female to build financial future, as houses for example are unaffordable alone in my country.
    I make decent money and enjoy work, but is will not set me free financially.

    I think its good to like independent, strong and confident women.
    And I do think those type of women like submissive men, but only when they are natural and healthy submissive men.

    For me I need to get more confidence and healthy and start dating.

    That's why I visit a male sex therapist.
    We are figuring out If I am really submissive or if this behavior has grown because of loneliness, pron etc.
    It's a long and painful process.

    What I am doing right now is giving myself compliments for things I do 'right' instead of beating myself up for the things I do 'wrong.
     
    Reborn16 likes this.
  9. modernstore99

    modernstore99 Fapstronaut

    This is pretty common amongst many porn abusers. You get turned on by being single, seeing other people in relationships, and situations that remind you of cuckold porn because you've conditioned yourself to feel aroused by those situations through PMO.

    Getting over these issues requires the same process as getting over porn addiction and porn-induced fetishes: a reboot. Reboots basically clear your mind of most of the junk in there, and then allow you to build neural networks back up with positive activities.

    It may feel really shitty and you may get triggered irl a lot while rebooting, but it's just your mind trying to push you back towards porn. I used to get triggered a lot when I was single in rebooting, especially when seeing couples on social media, seeing my friends dating, and seeing interracial couples. Being with friends and getting into a relationship that was happy and comfortable, even if we weren't having sex, basically killed those negative thoughts I was having. Once your reboot is over and you begin having sex, they virtually disappear because your mind isn't starving anymore.

    In short, do a reboot and get your flirt on! Your arousal from being single is programmed and will be mostly solved by rebooting. Get your flirt on, start reinforcing positive activities, and you'll be feeling much better in no time.
     
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  10. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks you worded that really well, makes total sense and I think I have just become jaded and lost the point of rebooting fully lately.

    Feels weird seeing my friends date or have LTR, they're great guys but not better than me in every way. And then sometimes I have moments with girls but I don't take a chance.

    Agree that without the porn distractions being single and living the life you want should really gravitate you towards women. The right kinds of women too - when I do flirt it's often with manipulative types, which is not what I'm actually after at all.

    Time for a fresh start!
     
    modernstore99 likes this.
  11. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

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    That's good to focus on the positives. Especially today with filtered social media. We think everyone's cool, calm, and winning. But they're usually guessing their way and making more mistakes that they care to admit, which is not bad by the way.

    Funny thing with confident women... I have read many women who are confident in real life, are submissive in the bedroom. And the opposite applies, many agreeable and submissive women like to switch roles and be in control in the bedroom.

    Apparently it's similar for guys. Most guys are taking on responsibilities and always have to be in control more or less. One of the ultimate fantasies then, is to give up control to a trusted woman. Done right, this can be a stress relief and chance to escape from the responsibilities. Some of the most masculine guys enjoy this. However, like anything, it should be done with someone you like and in moderation.

    Just my 2c from reading on this part of sexuality over the years. Probably something I'll only seriously get into after normal sex, after reboot, after therapy.

    That might be good if you have to partner up with a woman to make a proper home in your part of the world. Adversity or challenges like that often bring people together!
     
  12. Ray S

    Ray S Fapstronaut

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    Yeah (social) media has got many people grinding over accomplishments that are not realistic.
    Life is not a do or die thing.

    Also on this site a recommendation is to do a 90 days reboot.
    And when guys try this they fail and are saying to themselves, you see I am a pervert addict without self control.

    By saying small compliments to yourself you can also begin with being proud because you skipped one mastrubation session, you went to the gym, got at work in time etc.

    These little acts create confidence and make you less likely turn to porn.

    Don't overly look at one type of women being in control and thus being submissive in the bedroom, just trust your instinct and date some women.
     
    Reborn16 likes this.
  13. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

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    That's it just get a few good things done each day, no matter what 'day' it is.

    Makes sense to just get out there and date some women without thinking about it too much. I joined online dating again but it's pretty slow. Might just keep doing the cold approaches.

    One thing I've changed lately is only doing computer work away from home (I study and use my laptop A LOT). Only use PC as home now for workout music. Just needed a change of environment and I think this helps.
     

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