Stayed clean for almost 600 days, but last month I relapsed and my gf is completely broken.

[Goma341]

I've been watching porn for around a decade, and in many years of my life I naively used it as a tool to relieve stress and sleep better (I have chronic insomnia), that leaded to a porn addiction that I've tried to recover countless times.

So, with that being said, I don't think my case is very bad, mainly because I often tried nofap challenges since I was 15(I'll be 22 soon) and already managed to go 6 months clear before my current relationship, and since I always was only into vanilla stuff, porn hasn't damaged my intimate performance or anything of the sorts.

However, I know for sure, and always knew, that porn was something that I didn't want to carry with me in my relationships, which was something that I used to thought that I had enough control to completely stop if being necessary, but in June 3rd I PMOed to porn for the first time after basically one and a half years, stopped watching porn as soon as I noticed I had feelings for my current gf.

She is a very insecure person and has traumas from many abusive relationships (dating, friends and family), we connected and loved each other so well that we honestly thought we were meant to be together in this life, and unfortunely, after she learned of my relapse her ultimate trust in me broke down and now she sees me as someone that is a liar and a "fake".

This relationship means everything for us, and in less than a week after my relapse I started therapy, because I don't want it to happen ever again, and if I relapse once more, my gf will leave me and I will lose the best relationship I ever thought I could find.

So far I'm not giving in to porn, but I'm already feeling a lot of urges, especially at night. My therapist is very professional and I believe he is capable of providing me with the right help, but I can't stop being afraid that someday I'll just lose control and not be myself, making another mistake and ending everything. I'm glad I found this site and I hope to get along with all of you guys having similar problems.

If anyone has advice on how to efficiently avoid triggers or urges, please tell me, I think I need any help I can get. The margin for error is zero.

 

[fauxfun999]

600 days ! well done, it sounds like you need to counsel me, not the other way around!
I have just done 118 Days, so I am nowhere near you in my journey.
From your post, you sound like a very sensible 22 year old, and are already doing what will help you with getting professional therapy.

I am not a therapist, but the only thing I can suggest is that you should get rid of any fear you have about relapsing or the situation getting worse.
Fear breeds stress, and stress is the real reason that most people do PMO, so please try to get rid of any fear of failure, it will help very much with your situation.

With what you have done, and from the tone of your post, you will no doubt conquer whatever challenges come your way, but know that we on nofap are also with you every step of the way, so keep doing what you are doing, it will all turn out fine.

Cheers for now brother.

 

[yngmoney]

I've been watching porn for around a decade, and in many years of my life I naively used it as a tool to relieve stress and sleep better (I have chronic insomnia), that leaded to a porn addiction that I've tried to recover countless times.

So, with that being said, I don't think my case is very bad, mainly because I often tried nofap challenges since I was 15(I'll be 22 soon) and already managed to go 6 months clear before my current relationship, and since I always was only into vanilla stuff, porn hasn't damaged my intimate performance or anything of the sorts.

However, I know for sure, and always knew, that porn was something that I didn't want to carry with me in my relationships, which was something that I used to thought that I had enough control to completely stop if being necessary, but in June 3rd I PMOed to porn for the first time after basically one and a half years, stopped watching porn as soon as I noticed I had feelings for my current gf.

She is a very insecure person and has traumas from many abusive relationships (dating, friends and family), we connected and loved each other so well that we honestly thought we were meant to be together in this life, and unfortunely, after she learned of my relapse her ultimate trust in me broke down and now she sees me as someone that is a liar and a "fake".

This relationship means everything for us, and in less than a week after my relapse I started therapy, because I don't want it to happen ever again, and if I relapse once more, my gf will leave me and I will lose the best relationship I ever thought I could find.

So far I'm not giving in to porn, but I'm already feeling a lot of urges, especially at night. My therapist is very professional and I believe he is capable of providing me with the right help, but I can't stop being afraid that someday I'll just lose control and not be myself, making another mistake and ending everything. I'm glad I found this site and I hope to get along with all of you guys having similar problems.

If anyone has advice on how to efficiently avoid triggers or urges, please tell me, I think I need any help I can get. The margin for error is zero.

It sounds like you have completely lost your frame in the relationship. The moment a woman starts dictating what you do and is threatening to leave you, then she has already lost respect for you and feels she has power over you, which ends up being a huge turn off in her eyes.

You have accomplished a very impressive streak and you should be proud of that. She doesn't understand how difficult that is to do.

I highly recommend you check out some red pill content: FarFromWeak on youtube is a great channel, Legion of Men. Books like The Rational Male. It will help you gain a better understanding as to the nature of women, how they think, what they are attracted to etc. Basically everything the feminized society has taught us growing up is a lie.

Bottom line is you need to get your 'frame' back and be the leader in your relationship. Men and Women are equal, but men are by nature built to lead and women are attracted to strong men. If you appear weak to her, no matter how much she loves you, she will automatically lose respect for you, and thus attraction, and will eventually leave you.

 

[yngmoney]

Yeah............ Personally, I would highly recommend against that. "Rational Male" will make you develop irrational fears about the female species. I don't think every woman is out here and has a "dual mating strategy". Many women I know personally have married men who make less than them, are shorter than them, and even come from lower status backgrounds and most of these relationships are marriages that are doing just fine.

I will say, however, to reference OP's original post, you may want to be careful in developing this relationship with your as you said "insecure" girlfriend. You referenced her having a lot of past trauma and she seems to be very quick to want to leave you after your relapse. That is not a very good sign especially after how the two of you felt like you guys would be together forever.

High quality people are an asset. Look for high quality people and incorporate them into your life. Stay clear from low quality people, they can drag you down a dark path. I learned this the hard way. But you have to be high quality yourself to attract high quality people into your life. Birds of a feather flock together.

Interesting you say that considering the whole point of that book is the complete opposite. Many men already fear women, especially when it comes to rejection. The author attempts to help men get over this fear and to not put women on a pedestal.

I agree with what you said about high quality people attracting other high quality people. One of the main points of "manosphere" content is to encourage men to improve themselves and "level up", which is why I had suggested watching some of that content on youtube.

 

[Deleted Account]

I never understood why women view men who watch porn as somehow men who are "replacing" women with porn. This whole betrayal trauma thing is real but I never understood it. There is an emotional investment into porn, an involuntary once. It makes us all terrible partners. It warps out emotions. Far and beyond an emotional investment, porn is an emotional theft. I am astonished you would downplay it as "just porn" when there are rafts of stories on here of what it has collectively cost us all.

From a mans perspective, speaking for my own experience of course, it's never been to "replace" or compete with any woman. The women we watch on screen we don't compare them to the women in our lives nor do we see them as a "replacement". My experience, it was similar to a drug just like alcohol, cocaine, or any other drug that's used to cope with emotional pain.

Partners of PMO addicts need to realize that they are not competing with the females in Porn who are more "sexier" or whatever than them. It may feel like that, especially when he can't get hard in bed, but I don't think most guys are out here buying diamond rings for their computer which they watch porn on lol. There's no emotional investment into porn ladies. It's just porn.

Again that's my experience, may be different for others.

All I see is you on here spreading is misinformation and diatribe. Porn destroys sex lives. It takes away from girlfriends. I know that first hand. So do loads of us. If "it's just porn" why is it fast becoming a certified addiction with very real mental consequences? Why is there a forum dedicated to stopping it? Why are you cutting it from your life?
I am astonished that you would downplay the impacts of it as "just porn" given the collective destruction is has caused a whole community of men, and countless others who are trapped without knowledge. It's not just porn, it's not just a coping strategy, it's a poisonous substance.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

I never understood why women view men who watch porn as somehow men who are "replacing" women with porn. This whole betrayal trauma thing is real but I never understood it.

From a mans perspective, speaking for my own experience of course, it's never been to "replace" or compete with any woman. The women we watch on screen we don't compare them to the women in our lives nor do we see them as a "replacement". My experience, it was similar to a drug just like alcohol, cocaine, or any other drug that's used to cope with emotional pain.

Partners of PMO addicts need to realize that they are not competing with the females in Porn who are more "sexier" or whatever than them. It may feel like that, especially when he can't get hard in bed, but I don't think most guys are out here buying diamond rings for their computer which they watch porn on lol. There's no emotional investment into porn ladies. It's just porn.

Again that's my experience, may be different for others.

Because you are replacing your partner by using porn. Instead of turning towards your partner and connecting you use porn. It’s starts off so gradual you don’t notice the wreckage it leaves. My husband was a very functioning addict. But, as life gets more stressful, he used more. When you are feeding an addiction you ignore, neglect, and starve your relationships. However, you don’t see it, because you are numbed out and high. Instead of turning towards me and facing troubles with me, he turned to porn, hence replacing me in every aspect of our marriage. He left me high and dry abandoning me for porn and he couldn’t even see it. Porn addicts can’t get it up for their partner! They lose attraction for their partner. They condition themselves to endless airbrushed perfection so their brain rejects the familiar imperfect partner. Married 31 years. Until my husband got into recovery he had all sorts of dysfunction in the bedroom and out. They may not be buying Diamond rings but many have bankrupted their family in subscriptions, chat rooms, lost jobs and worse.

 

[Kn0wbie]

I kind of think @SchoolOfEngineering and @Psalm27:1my light have just nailed the problem here. Men and women do think differently.

Its no longer good enough for us to say "we dont understand" why women feel like they do. What seems clear, is most of them do feel this way. If we want to be decent partners, we need to try to understand that. And yes - they need to try to understand we dont mean it that way too.

But somewhere, we all have to let go of any blame here and try to have a greater understanding. As the great Steven R Covey said: First we must seek to understand, then seek to be understood.

If we can not accept how women feel about this (and vice versa) we stand very little chance of learning to live with them harmoniously. And that works both ways.

 

[Deleted Account]

I'm done with all the defences for porn. It's utterly shameful. Never before in history have people observed others having sex so easily and accessibly, we have all seen more naked people having sex than our ancestors combined. It's put the secrecy and intimacy of human love and interaction into the realm of entertainment. It has trivialised human relation into high speed vulgarity. No, it's not okay to watch porn, it never has been. In the same way watching real life people having sex has never been okay. I live in shame and regret every day. This toxic masculinity is the problem with why porn has such a handle on us all, we think it's normal. It isn't, it never has been. The models and actors on the videos are sacrificing their infidelity and purity for the enjoyment of strangers. Are we all no better than those who came to judge freaks at Victorian Freakshows for their own self-absorbed indulgence? The more we excuse the use of porn, the bigger the force will be.

 

[Red Moon]

I've been watching porn for around a decade, and in many years of my life I naively used it as a tool to relieve stress and sleep better (I have chronic insomnia), that leaded to a porn addiction that I've tried to recover countless times.

So, with that being said, I don't think my case is very bad, mainly because I often tried nofap challenges since I was 15(I'll be 22 soon) and already managed to go 6 months clear before my current relationship, and since I always was only into vanilla stuff, porn hasn't damaged my intimate performance or anything of the sorts.

However, I know for sure, and always knew, that porn was something that I didn't want to carry with me in my relationships, which was something that I used to thought that I had enough control to completely stop if being necessary, but in June 3rd I PMOed to porn for the first time after basically one and a half years, stopped watching porn as soon as I noticed I had feelings for my current gf.

She is a very insecure person and has traumas from many abusive relationships (dating, friends and family), we connected and loved each other so well that we honestly thought we were meant to be together in this life, and unfortunely, after she learned of my relapse her ultimate trust in me broke down and now she sees me as someone that is a liar and a "fake".

This relationship means everything for us, and in less than a week after my relapse I started therapy, because I don't want it to happen ever again, and if I relapse once more, my gf will leave me and I will lose the best relationship I ever thought I could find.

So far I'm not giving in to porn, but I'm already feeling a lot of urges, especially at night. My therapist is very professional and I believe he is capable of providing me with the right help, but I can't stop being afraid that someday I'll just lose control and not be myself, making another mistake and ending everything. I'm glad I found this site and I hope to get along with all of you guys having similar problems.

If anyone has advice on how to efficiently avoid triggers or urges, please tell me, I think I need any help I can get. The margin for error is zero.

Women don't care about your struggles, only how you deal with your struggles. Social proof that you are capable. They care for your ability to give. They are biologically programmed for this.

If you understand this, then you will see that your girlfriend is irrelevant, or the next one. Main goal is your growth and frame.

If you feel that you lost respect from your girlfriend, end the relationship. It is only a matter of time that she does it for you. There are 2 things you can have from your girlfriend, her pussy and her respect. Expect nothing else.

Another thing... women don't care about what is " fake " or not. They care about social perception and safety. Do you think Eva Braun was with Hitler because he wasn´t " fake " ?!

So relax and create your own world.

Women do not have the luxury to deny or transcend their own biological programming and at the same time keep a healthy mindset. You have.

So...conclusion is, stop busting them nuts ! And don't negotiate with terrorists.

 

[Deleted Account]

Thank you for enlightening me on the dangers of porn addiction. I clearly haven't experienced any negative affects from it. Have a good day.

You'll be fine it's just porn.

 

[pete379]

I have also seen it to where Women have ran instantly from their partners at the slightest problem over to other men who earn a bigger paycheck. It plays out both ways.

In my experience this happens way more often. Im not bitter about it. its just the way it is.
Youre supposed to be her rock, dont you dare have any problems.

 

[Rostrock47]

I've been watching porn for around a decade, and in many years of my life I naively used it as a tool to relieve stress and sleep better (I have chronic insomnia), that leaded to a porn addiction that I've tried to recover countless times.

So, with that being said, I don't think my case is very bad, mainly because I often tried nofap challenges since I was 15(I'll be 22 soon) and already managed to go 6 months clear before my current relationship, and since I always was only into vanilla stuff, porn hasn't damaged my intimate performance or anything of the sorts.

However, I know for sure, and always knew, that porn was something that I didn't want to carry with me in my relationships, which was something that I used to thought that I had enough control to completely stop if being necessary, but in June 3rd I PMOed to porn for the first time after basically one and a half years, stopped watching porn as soon as I noticed I had feelings for my current gf.

She is a very insecure person and has traumas from many abusive relationships (dating, friends and family), we connected and loved each other so well that we honestly thought we were meant to be together in this life, and unfortunely, after she learned of my relapse her ultimate trust in me broke down and now she sees me as someone that is a liar and a "fake".

This relationship means everything for us, and in less than a week after my relapse I started therapy, because I don't want it to happen ever again, and if I relapse once more, my gf will leave me and I will lose the best relationship I ever thought I could find.

So far I'm not giving in to porn, but I'm already feeling a lot of urges, especially at night. My therapist is very professional and I believe he is capable of providing me with the right help, but I can't stop being afraid that someday I'll just lose control and not be myself, making another mistake and ending everything. I'm glad I found this site and I hope to get along with all of you guys having similar problems.

If anyone has advice on how to efficiently avoid triggers or urges, please tell me, I think I need any help I can get. The margin for error is zero.

Don't pressure yourself too much. Pick yourself back up again and keep going. If you're gonna be too hard on yourself, you're gonna fall back in the cycle of regret and bitterness and eventually you're gonna be trapped again in the cycle of pmo. You went 600 days without pmo, which means you're doing major progress. Be proud of yourself because of this.

 

[Newwaters22]

Hey there!

First of all, let me offer my congratulations on your 600 days. That right there is colossal progress. You watched porn, you relapsed, slipped called whatever you want but I encourage you to take this episode as something positive rather than negative.

There is no recovery without relapses or set backs. You just had one after a long time but you managed to get rid of it for more than a year, alot of us can't go days without it. Be proud of it, look carefully into what lead to this particular episode and make the apropiate corrections to avoid similar situations in the future.

Also, seeing you went so long without PMO, maybe work on cleaning your environment to reduce risks of a relapse for the next few weeks. As time goes by and your mind settles down again you can work on removing those.

Regarding your girlfriend, every relationship is different and ultimately it comes down to you, her, and what you think it's best for the relationship. I am lucky to have a wife that is very supportive, but this addiction affect our partners deeply, it leaves them feeling like they are not enough, it undermines their self steem and leaves them emotionally confused. It's easy to analyze woman and put a tag on the entire gender, but I assure you, you probably know your girlfriend better than any book, and what's more important you know better than anyone the value that she has to you. If I were you, I would sit with her, maybe over a cup of tea or coffee, re-assure her that this was a one time thing and that you are going back on track asap and what's more important, go back on track asap, first for yourself and then for your relationship, maybe even take her on date to remember the good times and put aside the "grim reality" .
Take those negative emotions from the relapse and turn them into positive energy because that's what's going to propel you forward. Man again, you went almost two years without it, be very proud, take this as a learning opportunity and aim for more now!

I hope any of the above can be of help to you. Best of luck!

 

[Goma341]

600 days ! well done, it sounds like you need to counsel me, not the other way around!
I have just done 118 Days, so I am nowhere near you in my journey.
From your post, you sound like a very sensible 22 year old, and are already doing what will help you with getting professional therapy.

I am not a therapist, but the only thing I can suggest is that you should get rid of any fear you have about relapsing or the situation getting worse.
Fear breeds stress, and stress is the real reason that most people do PMO, so please try to get rid of any fear of failure, it will help very much with your situation.

With what you have done, and from the tone of your post, you will no doubt conquer whatever challenges come your way, but know that we on nofap are also with you every step of the way, so keep doing what you are doing, it will all turn out fine.

Cheers for now brother.

Thank you, I really appreciate the faith in me. As for the fear thing, it seems like great advice, I am terrified by the consequences of a possible relapse and don't know how not to fear it. Few days ago I had very strong urges at late night and went jogging at 3 AM out of fear of relapsing if I stayed at home doing nothing any longer.

 

[Goma341]

Hey there!

First of all, let me offer my congratulations on your 600 days. That right there is colossal progress. You watched porn, you relapsed, slipped called whatever you want but I encourage you to take this episode as something positive rather than negative.

There is no recovery without relapses or set backs. You just had one after a long time but you managed to get rid of it for more than a year, alot of us can't go days without it. Be proud of it, look carefully into what lead to this particular episode and make the apropiate corrections to avoid similar situations in the future.

Also, seeing you went so long without PMO, maybe work on cleaning your environment to reduce risks of a relapse for the next few weeks. As time goes by and your mind settles down again you can work on removing those.

Regarding your girlfriend, every relationship is different and ultimately it comes down to you, her, and what you think it's best for the relationship. I am lucky to have a wife that is very supportive, but this addiction affect our partners deeply, it leaves them feeling like they are not enough, it undermines their self steem and leaves them emotionally confused. It's easy to analyze woman and put a tag on the entire gender, but I assure you, you probably know your girlfriend better than any book, and what's more important you know better than anyone the value that she has to you. If I were you, I would sit with her, maybe over a cup of tea or coffee, re-assure her that this was a one time thing and that you are going back on track asap and what's more important, go back on track asap, first for yourself and then for your relationship, maybe even take her on date to remember the good times and put aside the "grim reality" .
Take those negative emotions from the relapse and turn them into positive energy because that's what's going to propel you forward. Man again, you went almost two years without it, be very proud, take this as a learning opportunity and aim for more now!

I hope any of the above can be of help to you. Best of luck!

Thank you! You really said it well about how our partners feel and how only we know how important they are. My gf is very insecure, but I've known that since the beginning, and she knows that too. She had all those difficulties since she was a small kid, and of course it won't go away immediatly, but I know she always tried really hard to let me in her life and open up to me, we love each other and that's why my relapse won't be the end of our relationship, but difficulties are difficulties and traumas are traumas, going through another relapse would hurt her so much that she believes she wouldn't be able to move on, and that's why she said that if it happens again it's over.

So far I'm doing just like you said, going on with life caring for each other and always reassuring her of my commitment and love, of course, there are still a lot of sensitive topics, sadness, hardships and things will stay like that for a long time I believe, but I hope that we'll slowly build everything up again.