Step towards the light

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by CzanCzanCzan, Nov 6, 2019.

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  1. CzanCzanCzan

    CzanCzanCzan Fapstronaut

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    Hi everyone, my name is Aleksander and im currently 34 yo. I've already posted this on other nofap forum, but I'd liketo share my message to as many ppl as I can. All I've wrote is true and very personal. I'm currently on day 90 of nofap and no porn ( woohoo ).

    I'd like to introduce you to my story because I believe it shows how pornography fucks us all up.

    But lets head to the start. 10 years ago I was diagnosed a serious medical condition. Things went downhill pretty quickly. I was unable to work so i had to quit my job. I was unable to meet with my girlfriend so we had to split. I couldn't party with my friends so I was left behind ( fortunately few of them always where there for me If I needed to talk to someone, but it wasn't as it used to be ) and finally I had to return my hometown and start living with my parents. I've spent few years in bed. If I had a good day I was able to dress on my own or make myself a cup of tea and that was pretty much it. All my world was my bed and my laptop. This time of my life was horrible. I felt useless, lonely, not sure if I ever leave my bed again.

    Yeah, this is the moment I started to get into real porn addiction. Dopamine shots helped me to froget about my life. Porn was a relief. Years went by and I've watched more and more of it as I've felt I had nothing to lose. My porn list included hardcore fetishes including transgenders. I started to make fake accounts on swinger portals or trans related portals and talked some creepy stuff. I started to question my sexuality. But I still didn't realise that porn and masturbation took whole control over me.

    Finally after about 7-8 years of this madness something good happend. My medical condition got better! Slowly I started to creep out of my home. I started to meet my friends more often and meet some new ones. I started working in my familys member office. I was still very weak, sometimes I had to stay home and miss a workday, but still doing something thats beneficial was my dreams come true. I've worked really hard for it, but I wasn't proud of myself at all and I've felt really anxious all the time.

    I thought to myself that with time everything will get better as my health issues will slowly go away and it will solve all my problems. I just need to hold out and better times will come.

    Now I know how wrong I was.

    Porn was not enough, so I started to smoke a lot of weed and dive into videogames. At this point people around who encoureged me started to look at me like I was somekind of a creep ( who I was tbh ).

    I still didn't realize what was the core of my problems but I knew that I had to change something. I thought to myself that my anxiety comes from loneliness, so I've started to look for a relationship. I started to excercise, eat healthier, sleep better, smoke less weed and most important - leave my home more often, but the porn stayed where it was. After some time I've meet a nice girl who was interested in me. We started dating and I was really happy about that. After few weeks of enthusiasm and tryharding to make it work our relationship became a horror. I coudn't udnerstand why, but it went so bad that she started to avoid me.

    I thought to myself that maybe it was ment that way and tried to meet another girl. Sometime later I've met an old friend of mine and we decided to give it a shot. I didn't think about it much, but It came out that I've made a life changing decision back then. I decided that I'll not watch porn while I'm in a relationship.

    I can tell You that I wasn't prepared whats ahead of me. It was so hard not to watch porn. Everytime I sat in front of my computer I had urge to take a small peak at some porn realted websites. Sometimes I did, but fortunately for me I always closed it fast and went out of my room and talk to someone or just take a walk. Talking to someone was a key to not relapsing. Even calling my mom and asking what she is doing helped me make my urges go away. If I couldn't talk to some I tried to focus on something else, like cleaning the dishes or clean the house. Those small things helped me to keep my thoughts away from porn and helped me relax a bit. As I was struggling with the urges I felt angry, stressed like I was never stressed before, anxiety was horrible.

    My relationship was similar to previous one. We both felt something isn't right. There was zero intimacy, emotions. Sex was really horrible experience. Each time after it, my girlfriend was lying on the bed with her back turned on me. I've felt like an empty shell.

    I think about that time I really realized that not health issues are my biggest problem right now but it's the porn.

    We decided to split, but we are still friends.

    I was single again, but I said to myself "never again" and focused on getting my life back from the claws of addiction. That was my main focus. All sexual related stuff disappeared from my life. I've put weed aside and instead of playing video games alone I started playing board games with friends. For the first time since 10 years I went on a 1 week holidays and visited my friends in another country. I went on my own to cinemas, teathers, lectures - anything to not think about porn. I started to meditate everyday.

    Finally one day I started to feel that the stress is leaving me. I realized that I started smiling for now reason, even when I was alone. I suddenly remembered what feeling happy is like.

    Everything started to change for better. My coworkers started to respect me more. Saying "No" to somebody felt natural. I could focus waaaay easier. When I've met my friends It felt like the old times. We laughed a lot, joked around. They asked me to visit them again. And I feel they really mean it. It was such a boost. When I went to sleep I felt excited what the next day will bring. It's that good!

    And now my relationships with woman.. I've never ever imagined it will change so much. First of all I stopped thinking about them as sexual objects. Before when I was meeting a girl or a woman my brain set up my actions on 'how to have sex with her' or 'how does she look naked' or 'i want do wierd stuff with her'. Now when I talk to someone who seems interesting to me I feel like im not pretending anymore, I'm curious about them, want to hear what they have to say and I can feel they are interested in me too. Conversations just flow, I'm not thinking what I want to say. I feel my real self, I'm not pretending or hiding anything, so when I'm at a party or in a club I don't have to strike a pose or do some other wierd stuff. Feeling like this is a real magnet to women. They come to me on their own and start talking to me.

    For example this saturday I was on a party were I hardly new anyone. I was sitting on a couch talking to some guy and when he left for a drink a girl took his place and started talking to me. After she left another one came. I think I talked to 4 or 5 girls just sitting there on this couch. But the best thing is I really enjoyed those small talks and I think they did too. I didn't want to seduce them, but to have a nice time. It felt great.

    I've also noticed signals they've sent me. One of them wanted to go outside with me for a while. She asked for that looking deeply in my eyes. I felt my blood is rushing. It was so much better from they excitement that porn gave me.

    There is one more thing I've noticed about me. I started to feel that I'm capable of loving someone. Im not in love right now, but I just feel It will happen sooner or later. That the happiness is just behind the corner. 6 months ago, when my first relationship started I thought that I'm over my 30s so probably I'm to old to love someone, that love doesn't exist, that's it's just a game between male and female of some sort, that I need ( not want ) a girl for sex relief and for not being lonely. That's how bad I was.

    In the end I'd like to point out something what I've realized few days ago. I've struggled 10 years to fight the health issues I had. I've put so much effort into it. And during that time I've promised myself that when it'll finally be over I'll be a different person. That I'll enjoy my life, be sincere, helpful, find the woman of my life and live happy life. And after I did beat it I almost dumped my life into the dumpster because of porn and masturbation. This shows how devastating this crap is. For me porn industry is pure evil. Just think of it for a second. They destroy good man, make them feel like shit, make their lives miserable just to earn some dollars.

    To everyone who read this - You are lucky ones. You have found the solution to your problems. Just pick up the challenge, don't give up and fight. Wake up the man You really are. If You relapse, don't stop. Every brake from porn will make You stronger. If You keep trying I'm sure one day You'll wake up and feel free.

    Thank You for reading this,

    Good luck!
     
    MrSalvatore001, 88991s, Ajar and 3 others like this.
  2. Neveragain27

    Neveragain27 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for shareing your story. Om glad it worked out fine for you.
    Day 16 here
     
  3. livinginhell

    livinginhell Fapstronaut

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    That was inspiring. Well done bro.

    Yes. Porn DESTROYS life. Every addict knows that.
     
  4. CzanCzanCzan

    CzanCzanCzan Fapstronaut

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    Thanks friends, it means much to me.
    I think I may not have putted it crearly enough, so I wan't to add one more thing.
    I think it's impossible to have real, deep, serious relationship with woman if You keep watching porn.
    This is why I failed twice. But I'm sure next time everything going to be different :)
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  5. Beautiful story, well done mate
     
  6. And may the light shine!!!!!!
     
  7. randomguy90

    randomguy90 Fapstronaut

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    Wow, this is a wonderful story. I wish you all the best in your endeavour and congratulations for your achievements so far ! I am glad for you.
     

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