Still fightin' the good fight

Another day no PMO. 4 days away from one month no PMO. I went to an SAA meeting this morning. It had a nice turnout-about 40 people. Recovery sounded pretty good too. I don't know what it is, but I'm not totally feeling the fellowship. MAybe I'm not ready or don't want to do the work, maybe it isn't for me, maybe AA can heal all this. We talk about the spiritual hole. the "God Sized" hole and the 12 steps. Who knows. Its tough to say. I'll probably give it another try (another meeting), but Im not that into it. I am happy I have given it a shot though. I know its available and out there. My only real fear is getting into a crazy relationship, or prostitutes/strip clubs/massage parlors, or all of the craigslist sexcapades out there. And the real scare of falling deeply for a girl again, and it all blowing up, or even an STD. I want a pure full life.

Today is frustrating. I am still feeling the pain of the oblique injury. It scares me. I'm at 2 1/2 weeks. I want it to be healed. I thought I was being very respectful giving it three weeks to heal and that is not looking very good right now. I have to wait. I ahve to be patient. Maybe there is a lesson or story or answer to this.

I also am frustrated that I seem to be getting no results from the no PMO. OK, I will admit, its good Im not harassing any girls on FB. Im not wasting lots of time online with sex stuff. Not talking to crazy people on craigslist. And not feeling shame and guilt from harassing women through texts. Besides that, Im feeling very depressed. Bored. Lack of exhiliration or motivation. I dont find work very exciting. Girls are an outlet for me. I get adrenaline rushes from my interaction with them. And now that that is all gone, Im feeling very deflated. So, I dont get the guys who have all these posts of feeling stronger, a deeper voice, more alpha, more confident, more at ease, more social. Because I am not feeling any of that. But maybe things will change when I reach a month. Time will tell.

 

Thank you very much for the reply-I was down and that helped and made sense.
157 days is incredible and you should be proud. We get a little too caught up on counting days and streaks sometime. I remember a therapist showing me an example once when I was first getting sober off drugs and alcohol. I had relapsed twice in the course of two years, but had also achieved sobriety 22/24 months. My life had changed for the better in so many ways, but I was just caught up in the relapse.
I agree an attainable goal, a positive to replace a negative, makes a lot of sense. Part of my struggle is I teach tennis and love to run and just suffered an injury(strained oblique) a couple weeks ago. So, teaching is tough now, running is on hold, as well as training for my marathon. It coincidentally overlapped this nfap streak, so it is kind of fogging the real experience. I need to recover from the injury and stay nofap free. Thanks again

 

Thank you Saturdaze. I tried SLAA a few years ago. I tried another SAA in California few weeks ago when I was on vacation. Ive been sober in AA for 8yrs. Im open to the idea of the S fellowship too, because it helps in different ways. If I find the right fit, I'll stay with it.

 

The No PMO journey continues. Yesterday was crap. I just wasn't feeling it. I was somewhat active with an SAA meeting, teaching tennis, a little gym. Just a lot of fear about this oblique strain injury and how long it is all taking. Tough, but I've got to accept and practice acceptance. Thats all that can be done, people have been through much much more challenging things.

Today is a better day. I met with a sponsee (AA) and perspective changed. It got me out of myself. I saw his challenges with only 6 months sober, in a rehab, no job, and still not feeling a lot of faith/hope trust. I became a tad more grateful for where I'm at. We drove around a little and saw everyone setting up for the New Haven St. Patty's day parade. It made me think of all the great little jobs I've had in the city, how charmful this city is, my gradual moving forward here, and maybe there is a lesson or a little path, with this injury. The line is never straight, its a zigzag. I felt even better when I meditated and felt more gratitude and peace.

So, a big part of this solution is helping others. Meditation. Gratitude. Like getting sober is not just about "not drinking", stopping masturbation and not acting out sexually is about moving forward with goals, helping others in this area, meditation, gratitude, living right, making right. I want to continue this journey. Grand results don't occur quickly.

 

Continuing to no PMO. Only a couple days away from one month no PMO..my minimum period to really test this. Unfortunately, I am seeing very very little benefit. I still want to seek women. Im still really nervous to speak with them. Less confidence, not much peace, not a deeper voice, feel like crap. Really not enjoying this. Proud of myself for continuing and amazed that I've been able to, but Im just not feelin this. Maybe my problem is just not that huge and thus Im not experiencing huge benefits.

Of course, Im starting to dive into a deep depression. Three weeks of a torn oblique muscle will do that to most people. Im just struggling big time on this now. I gave it my best for two weeks, but now that there is almost no improvement and its 100% affecting my career, exercise and social activities, its got me down.

Gotta Power On

 

Well, another day no pmo accomplished. I occasionally touch myself softly, but never to the point of really getting hard or anything like that, so I'm not really sure if thats a form of edging. Tomorrow is one month no PMO, its a short month (Feb), but I started on Feb 16th and I'll take it. Its been a very rough month..I'm amazed I'm getting there, but damn things have sucked. Forget all this more confident, at peace, ease, deeper voice, confidence, alpha male bullshit..I'm experiencing the opposite of all that. I have had an injury (strained oblique), which is going to take a solid 6 weeks to heal, so that has certainly affected my outlook on everything. But, I've also learned I'm going to need a solid 3 months of no PMO to truly assess this. So, there we have it. Need to keep moving forward and thinking positive thoughts.

 

One month no PMO!!!! (2/16/16) It's official...I have not PMO'd for a month. Its been tough. I won't lie. With this injury, its been very challenging, but I never had to masturbate or watch porn or go there, and that feels good to have accomplished. I am glad to be on this path and its still very new.

I don't really feel the peace of mind, the confidence or any of that other stuff. Ive just felt plain. Withdrawn. Bored. Maybe a little more peace? Who knows. Its all blank to me. White space. Vanilla.

Im ready to go on to month two and I now will not make an evaluation until three months no PMO. I don't want to evaluate until May 16th. I must continue to put the work in. Stay the course. Enjoy the journey. See where it takes me.

I will persevere. With some love

 

On to another month of no PMO. I am still amazed I did not masturbate for a month. That's a long time. More time than I have done in about 20 years. I know the gifts are still waiting. I can't just celebrate now, but must continue to move forward. I know the urges will come. SLAA and SAA help. Acting right helps...on that note..

Damn, I'll tell you, I have my challenges as I have fun driving for Uber. This hot hot girl Bianca hopped into my car, after I received a text from her that read "ok are we fucking." I was checking in to see if she was ready. When I asked her about the text, she denied sending it, but my guess is some sort of autocorrect went through. I was really hoping she was some sort of dream girl in that sexual mode(hello fantasy)...she was young, cute and wearing those sexy tight pants. Daaamn, urges and thoughts. Of course, I'm driving her and the whole time I'm thinking what I can ask her to get her # before she leaves the car. As she's getting out I ask if she has a twin sister (dumb joke and one liner) and she responded, "nope just me and my brother." I shouldn't have asked as she had kissed her bf goodbye as I picked her up and she mentioned him three times. I'm glad it didn't go further than that..but daaaamn, why do these girls have to show their bodies and curves off with all this sexual craziness. I guess I am slowly preparing for spring warmth..the beast is coming!

So, what are guys thoughts on having sex during this time period (If I were miraculously lucky enough for it to happen). I am a strong believer in not masturbating in addition to no porn. This is probably because of my addiction not to just porn, but trying to pick girls up on Facebook, dating sites, chat rooms (years ago), and texting. This is also knows as "hiding behind the screen.' So, yes the advantage of sex is its real, but orgasming seems to be a part of all this non sexual behavior. Is anyone also against orgasm (regular sex) during the rebooting period?

 

Happy Friday to all! Another day rolls along in month two. I went to an SLAA meeting last night, only one other guy attended. These memberships tend to struggle. It was good to do a little reading and connect with another guy. Its too bad the meeting is not bigger and with guys my age, but it does allow for it to be a quick 45min meeting lol

I am looking forward to making this a great day. I have a long day on the courts. Three hours in the bubble. 90mins at the next club. And then two hours outdoors. Lots of hours, but lots of money to be earned. It can be a good day where I bring to other people's lives. I work hard. I enjoy the sights and sounds and what is going on in other people's lives. And also try to bring to their lives with my passion for tennis and teaching them the sport.

At this point I believe I have flatlined. I have not had the urge to watch porn which has been great. I have ocassional morning wood. I feel sexual frustration when interacting with sexy girls in real lives. A TV show can affect it too. The overall feeling of loneliness always looms. I have one girl in my phone I can basically text (but not text.) She is attracted to me and welcomes my texts or tries to drop me little texts. Im just not attracted to her. I could care less about hanging with her. Its funny though that of all the girls Ive texted/sexted over the years, how they all disappear so quickly when that little sexual bond is cut.

Carpe Diem!

 

The bus continues to roll on in the second month. Not much action. Its March, a boring month. Its not insanely cold, its not too dark, its def not warm. I must continue to accept this injury and sit patiently. Injuries happen. I have to realize the risks of my profession, and also my addiction to running and marathons and that those "dopamime shots" may not always be available to me, as I am experiencing now. The good news is, it does not feel like the end of the world and I'm not in a depression. I have just enough work and free time, to live peacefully and get a half workout in, 3-4 days a week.

I taught the cutest little girl today. 7 years old. No sexual thoughts..I've never been sexually attracted to children, don't have that thing some people struggle with. I just find it interesting that I find girls cuter than boys (at young ages). Its probably normal and natural and I am overanalyzing, but I find it important to note.

I must stay grateful Life is pretty good. I own a little tennis company and am very comfortable financially. A couple of my friends have relapsed recently and I've been lucky enough to stay sober 8+ years which has given me a wonderful life. My hope for a wife and kids is alive and well. I am sober and in good shape. Financially I am in good shape. My roommate is moving out this year and I will have a place to myself. This works nicely for a girl to move in. In the book "The secret" they talk about setting yourself up to have the space for what you want to come into your life. I believe in things happening naturally and this seems to be. My other actions (working on sex addiction), are obviously very important to work on to open up this realm of my life as well.

Finally, I went to an SAA meeting this morning. Not a huge fan of the fellowship, probably just scared. What a nasty scary secretive addiction. (Not the popularity of AA.) But it sure helps. It helps to talk about flirting with a girl I shouldn't flirt with. Or guys struggling with the internet. Or being faithful to their wives etc. It gets deep and real and I don't find that a lot in AA. Refreshing, but to the core. I fear I won't be able to continue in it very long with tennis about to get crazy, but the seed is getting planted and who knows where it will take me. Finally, I leave for Charleston, SC next Sunday!! I am excited and hope to have an enjoyable trip exploring yet another fun and intriguing place in our country!

 

Moving forward on yet another day of no PMO. I hit the "Sunday swoon" yesterday. Is there such thing? I just felt a little drained and depressed. A sponsee did his fifth step and it was a joke. My injury is annoying as fu** and really kicking my ass. Im feeling pretty drained and beatup from it. I did some negative behavior yesterday evening with binge eating slamming a chocolate frappucino, taco, chocolate peanut butter shake, lots of cookies and ice cream, and then searched on facebook two ex's. One doesn't have FB, she is a married woman I had an affair with (coincidence?) and the other I looked at her pictures and then x'd it out. They are old pics (not updated), because she is not on my "friends" list, but I still took a deep breath in that there were no pictures of her with a guy. That scares the hell out of me where I may see a pic of her with a guy. There is some sort of lack of letting go there..girls from the way past, I could care less about having a boyfriend/husband, whatever.

Its a challenging time with an injury. But its just another thing I need to overcome. I can't forget the power of "S" meetings, AA, prayer, meditation, literature, helping others, love. Work gets me out of myself too. Im coming up on the second month of this injury and I really don't think it should be more than a two month injury. So maybe I'm at the halfway point, or even homestretch? Time to carry on..

 

Staying on this path. The desire to really act out (in public-pick up a girl), or masturbate, has not been there. Very surprisingly. I just don't have the urge in that area of my life. Scared about my trip to Charleston-its a new place I'll be traveling to alone. But excited to challenge myself and make the most of it. Just need to pickout an Air BnB place and a little walking tour.

Slammed a milkshake, cookies and ice cream last night. Did the same thing Sunday night. Feeling stress/worn out. Can't really explain it. I think its just work stress coming on. Busy season starts in a month. New director of town tennis. Finding courts to run my programs on. Clients dropping out, new ones coming on board. Its tough. But work is tough. I know I need to continue to grow(business), take care of myself--physically, mentally, spiritually, find a two court private facility to run my clinics and keep moving forward with this. I think tennis can be a fun, exhilirating, company I run for a few more years (until age 40), until I move on to my next endeavor.

Again, its about peace and faith. My higher power has place a lot of gifts in my life. I know if I keep doing his will, more good will come. Stay the course...

 

Continuing on this journey of no PMO. Its not easy. Im not noticing a whole lot of change. But, Im not giving up. I continue to struggle with my injury, limiting my activity, but I accept it and make do. Its life, people get injured and it takes time to heal. It could be so much worse. I'll be ok.
I went to SLAA last night. I was irritated. I got a text about work that really sucked and could not focus. I just focused on Mike being this guy much older than me and was tired of hearing about his fantasies about nurses that are young and cute and he is really starting to think may just like him. It didn't hurt but I just wasn't focused at the meeting.
I've noticed some eating binges lately. Lots of ice cream and cookies etc. A few nights this week. I've just been very stressed by work and setting up the tennis groups. But its nice to know I am prepared way ahead of time and business looks better than it has ever been. It continues to grow. I don't know what the future holds, but things should be ok.
Last night I was texting Tracey. This is a girl that really bothers me and tends to text me a lot. I told her I like kissing and long ones. I was really starting to go along the edge of sexting and pushing the envelope there. It didnt go farther than that, but it reminded me slightly of what it feels like and how easy it is to go down that road.
Today is Friday. Im looking forward to seeing my family this weekend and then Charleston on Sunday. I just need to get through this long day of work. Its not too bad. Lets keep going..

 

Another day no pmo. Had a nice little trip to Charleston. A very calm city. Some picturesque and historic parts. Some touristy parts. People really nice. Nobody really flashy. Some tattoos and beards, but so nice not to deal with stupidass guidos, spiked hair, fat italian showoffs, hipsters or people craving attention and love. That was the biggest bonus..nice, down to earth people who aren't attention seekers.

My injury is still going strong. 5 weeks in. WTF!? It says online 4-6 weeks, This is going at least 2 months. Ridiculous. I don't even know what I did. Nothing basically. An ab workout? Teaching tennis..Not being able to run. Cancelling my marathon. Im pissed but accepting..ugh.

I joined tinder last night. I started flippin through profiles, liked some, and then it said I ahd to wait 12hours to keep likin'. Thats how they pull you in. I said eff it and spent $20. Part of thinks its wrong and I am going beyond boundaries and my pure life. Other parts of me are like, whatever..I'm not masturbating and I want to see what happens if I just speak to girls in a normal fashion. But, Im wondering if I am over-rationalizing. I am sticking to not masturbating and need to consult my sponsor, on setting boundaries. Stay the course.....