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Still Life with Nofap

Discussion in 'Abstinence, Retention, and Sexual Transmutation' started by 4:30am, Apr 23, 2021.

  1. 4:30am

    4:30am Fapstronaut

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    Hey everyone,

    I have lost something in my life.

    Today, I just realised, that I lost it to PMO.

    I used to be a career artist. A painter, photographer and sculptor.

    I would focus primarily on still life, nudes and the confluence of animals and humans on monochrome (using willow charcoal on canvas and large installations - think 10 foot tall installations, entire walls)

    I went to Africa and South America on trip to take black and white photos.

    I used to win art awards.

    My photographic work was exhibited in galleries, and despite the naysayers, I was actually very successful in my artistic career financially.

    But I started to give up on this pursuit about a two years ago, and I think it's because the urge to PMO destroyed my honest creative pursuit and it was expelled by the attention that I got from women as an artist.

    I began to use the gift of being a gifted artist as a trope to garner the sex and affection and fuel the addiction and need to O and be with beautiful women.

    The result? All but the loss of my creative transmutive gift.

    I became like a ghost living in my studio.

    Drunk. Uninspired. Using.

    With no more true gift inside me, just all depleted and drunk on the sex, drugs of the rocknroll lifestyle and not so much the creative part of the deal.

    Then a tiredness and lack of willingness to continue being an artist came.

    Then the demonic whispers of so-called freinds: that being an artist wasn't sustainable, that I wouldn't make any real money doing it.

    Demoralized I went on an absolute tear. Trying to drink up the last drops of so-called inspiration from my sexual partners. But it was just not there anymore - it was like making love to someone but you can not feel them anymore - like talking to someone on the other side of the glass of a prison cell. So close but you can't actually touch.

    I felt when I actually had to do the work, I was too distracted and all but gave up.

    This last four days, since starting this journey I have realized that I cannot give up on my art career. I just can't. I have to pick it up again. It's why I'm here. This would be ludicrous; a sin to waste the talent that God has given me, and I am going to start painting and doing my craft again.

    Now armed with this new knowledge of what PMO has done to me all these years, and what it has killed on it's path of destruction in my life, I am going to go back to my studio...

    Throw the white sheets off my old canvases

    Open the crates sheilding my statues from the light

    And once again, pursue my artistic lifestyle

    This time, I am clear about what PMO has done. I have decided merely never to look at it again, as it had muddied my eye and destroyed my senstivity in mind and heart and hand. I know that this will be a difficult journey, by god, I know it will. The old temptations to abuse the gift of being an artist, the urges and the attention.

    But I am older now, and more importantly, I know to well what PMO has done to my life before.

    I wonder what new inspiration will come through me, as I retain my seed.

    I feel a new hopefulness in life right now, a new focus - maybe I will be able to rekindle myself into greater union with the divine on this journey through transmutation.

    I will periodically keep you guys updated with my adventures, career and works. Thank you so much.

    Blessings.

    Onwards,

    4:30am
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2021
  2. spidermanfan123

    spidermanfan123 Fapstronaut

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    Good luck man. Interesting revelation. Let us know how it goes and how retention and transmutation help.
     
    4:30am likes this.
  3. luckydog

    luckydog Fapstronaut

    Awesome to read, @4:30am - you now come back to your art, your creativity, your product, with a mature gaze, a deeper perspective, that comes with going through the hell you have been through, and have come back.

    In my own journey I've learned in only the past few weeks that having a porn- and masturbation-free life has made LuckyDog 'more LuckyDog without the fogginess'. A clarity, an unity, dare I say an integrity to who I am and what kind of person I am like.

    I believe firmly that the primal sexual energy we men have, when put to creative and achievement-oriented pursuits, explains the remarkable accomplishments (both creative and innovative, artistic and industrial) of the past. Wish you the best - be sure to report back!
     
    4:30am likes this.

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