Still miss her after 9 years! :-(

Where to begin? This might be a very long post, idk, but here it goes.

I'm 29. Extreme pmo addict since 10. But a confident alpha badass through my teens, I was good looking, buff (without even lifting much) etc. I was a flirty ass mofo chatting up every female in sight just for harmless banter (it was my "thing").

At 19 met the love of my life in community college. She was perfect. She "dug" me and my personality. She was tall, mega hot, she didn't even wear makeup, her natural scent there are no words to describe. She had the personality that is one in a trillion. Fun and exciting to listen to. We'd talk for average of 8 hours every night.

I was insecure with her though. Because I know she's had a bunch of boyfriends, and god she has countless guy friends all over the country included. She'd always be out of town hanging out with them etc. Plus she was already seeing someone for a year before she met me, we flirted alot and went to the pics holding hands. She later dumped him to be free for me. So these were all the things that fed my insecurity of losing her to begin with.

A week into our relationship we were out with mutual friends on a road trip. Things were great. But her ex bf kept calling her by the minute. She answered him every time and spoke to him harshly in front of me, but always kept answering him. Instead of just rejecting or silencing her phone, she just kept answering him.

This made me upset. I never did or said anything about it, I just stayed quiet and distant with her for the rest of the day (it's the only way I knew how to deal with my resentful feeling towards her without risking an argument by calling her out on it). Later on the coach, she sat behind me with her girl friend, and was talking about some OTHER ex of hers in a very positive light, her first love etc. So she's shown no respect or courtesy for my feelings this day. Fast forward that night, we slept in separate beds in the same hotel room that night, and it's like 2 or 3 am, and she's on the phone with some guy friend saying how she regrets coming to the road trip (because of my silent distant behaviour no doubt).

Anyway we patched things up. But needless to say, my insecurity + subconscious resentfulness over her were at it's highest. Because, what reasons did I have to NOT feel that way? So as the relationship went on, I became controlling, she wasn't allowed to hangout or chat with guys on her phone. She obliged gladly though. Yet, throughout the relationship she always threw it in my face ("I've done a lot for you. I miss my friends" etc).

Few months in, I sent her some nasty texts about meeting up with guys behind my back as we hadn't saw or spoke to each other for a few weeks, because I had some vivid dreams of her doing so (even though she's innocent I know). Anyway that was my second time being an asshole.

Throughout our relationship she dumped me like 20 times, mostly for no good reason, just some lame excuse. One time, she dumped me for talking to her aunty, who SHE brought over to introduce me to. We spoke for about 20 mins, making small talk, infront of her. Anyway she dumped me the next day saying that I made her second priority to her aunt.

Another time she dumped me for tapping her gently on the butt in a spanking fashion infront of a few mutual friends. Her reason was because I had "no respect" for her self respect. Yet these were the same people who in front she had her tongue buried down my throat some months earlier. Just ironic that her "self respect" didn't mean much then. Double standards or what?

Another time she dumped me because I was defending myself by saying "I'm not afraid of your dad", after she was threatening me it seemed with her father for 3 minutes on the phone in a general but serious conversation. Her reason was that I showed her pure disrespect. We got back together, but a few months later, I blatantly jokingly said that she should be afraid of my mother. She responded disrespectedly "I ain't afraid of your mother". Again, double standards or what?

Anyway, I became even more resentful over her and started texting some random girl whos number a friend gave me. It turns out she found out about it as her and that girl have mutual friends. I denied it. She dumped me. The next day I find out that a "random" guy has came to her house with his family for her hand in marriage. She accepted it. I found out, intervened, we got back together, she refused his proposal. She told me it was a "random" guy. 6 months later however it spilled from her that it was her ex (the guy she dumped to hook up with me). My point is, she lied!

I lied to her that I was having surgery about an injury I've had, because I had other personal family matters to attend to. After a few days of no contact she found out that I lied despite denying it. This was the last time she dumped me in 2007.

Note that I've been pmoing throughout the relationship as it was a sexless one, despite having one failed attempt together (pied, but I didnt know it then).

It was a toxic relationship, at the same time though it was a very deep beautiful one, we both madly loved eachother. Never ran out of things to talk about. However, there would be weeks where we were tight and unbreakable, and weeks of being nasty to one another. Especially her though, she always used to verbally slash me up calling me names etc trying to destroy me emotionally as she said that it pleasures her hurting me. I never used to be nasty to her the way she'd be nasty to me. I'd always apologize if I stepped on an egg shell, but she never once apologized to me in the relationship. Her harmful words vividly run in my head alot to this day. She really damaged me emotionally.

Anyway I took the break up VERY bad. It crippled me. Took up alcoholism, smoking, weed, cocaine, and got deeper into pmo as I had newly got high speed internet then. She only knew about the alcohol. She said if I quit drinking she'd take me back. I did quit for several months, but she didn't take me back. She was busy looking for another guy to get married to, and kept me on a string as safety net incase she found no open doors. So I got back to drinking and my other substances.

Fast forward to late 08, found out she's getting married. Tried to intervene, but she wasn't having it. Told me she loves me. Next day we met up, she acted like she never said "I love you" the previous night. It was obvious that she was head over heels about this new guy who she's just met 2 weeks prior (mutual friend told me).

After that, I cut all contact with her, she's hasn't heard or seen me since. She tried contacting me on Facebook in late 09 (I still wonder why), but I rejected. Because what was the point? She was married. My world was shattered, she killed me! I've been majorly depressed since over her and because of pmo, weed, cigarettes and spending all of my money.

Over the years I've heard that she's made it, living the dream happily ever after. Wealth, health, children etc. Doubt she's thought of me once since 09, why would she? She has the world, it's hers, I have nothing. All I had was pmo after her, and before I met her.

I was left alone by my family since I was 5, my older sisters got all the attention till this day. My dad died in 98. My mother's lovely, but she's never ever been there for me in my life, NO ONE has. So all I had growing up was gaming/entertainment and pmo. Till I met her.

She was all I ever loved and cared about, she was my world. But I guess I wasn't hers. Her words and actions during and after our relationship proves that. I guess she "thought" that she loved me, but never did. I know for sure too, because while we were together she had asked her granny "what's love" as she doubts she feels it for me, but only thinks she does as I just happened to be there in her life when she needed someone when she met me (despite already being in a relationship. Guess she saw something in me that he didn't have, which is why she gravitated towards me)

To this day. She's never aknowledged, let alone apologized, let alone took responsibility for her mistreatment of me, her double standard behaviour with me, and her harmful verbal abuse to me that made me contemplate suicide several times. She made me the bad guy. While she played the innocent victim who "fell for the wrong guy"! That's what all those around us saw and beleive to this day! Man she even made me beleive it, I still do sometimes tbh like really was it me? Was I the scum? Did I only wrong her, not vice-versa? I never got my closure at the end! She got hers, when she told me she's getting married. She verbally abused me again when I asked for her back, and praised this guy! God what a loser I am. Can't even get over a girl after almost a fucking decade. But I can't help it! I loved her! Still do!

So since 07, I've been in a pmo + weed + gaming/internet coma. Quit my job in 09. Quit alcohol and cocaine in 09 too. Quit cigarettes in late 2014. Just quit weed in late 2015. But this pmo seems unbeatable to me. I have severe pied. But I feel I can't stop. Pmo was my escape mechanism.

Doesn't help that she has a giant family of 100s in my small town. Feel like I'm being watched, judged and analized with every minor movement. Since 07, especially since late 08, my confidence and social skills are gone, totally none existent, my old teen self seems like someone else. I'm in bad shape, skinny-fat, lost 40lbs since then all muscle mass. Oh and yeah I have very bad anxiety since childhood before I discovered pmo. Pmo no doubt has compounded it greatly.

I have student loan debts, which I flunked out of uni because of my depression over her in 09. Still have to pay for it. I have some missing teeth. Oh and to top it all off, I have bad congenital penile curvature since childhood, but it's gotten worse over the years I think. It's really been getting to me since I've been trying to do nofap since November. How can I have sex with a girl even if by some miracle my pied clears up?

I'm just so lost. I have no job skills. Job hunting sucks. All jobs I see are crap, underpaid + overworked types. Idk wtf man. Sometimes I just wish that it would all end ya know!

Anyway sorry for the terribly long ass post. I don't expect any replies, I'm just posting because I have no one to talk to other than the walls around me, or with my own overthinking thoughts in my head. I just had to let all of this off my chest after a decade of keeping it to myself! Peace.

 

Thanks for your time reading my post, and for your thoughtful words and advice. I really appreciate it.

It's been rough all these years without her. Substance abuse and pmo (especially pmo) never allowed me to get over her and move on. I let the pain consume my existence. I let it break me, because I was so dead inside and lost that I didn't know what else to do with myself in life, as I didn't like or care about anything anymore, I was dead. I just wanted to self destruct.

She always used to just love taking unnecessary digs at me for no reason. Even when things were supposedly perfect with us. As the relationship went on, I was losing who I am as a person I couldn't be myself (a fun loving laughy jokey kinda dude), because I always had to watch what I say and do incase I get dumped. She always kept that threat of dumping me hanging over my head.

Every time she verbally cut me, and dumped me, it took away some of my soul/heart/self-worth. But despite all that, I still loved her and never wanted to be without her. As her few good points, totally out weighed all of her bad points. But it was the other way round for her. And what's funny is, despite that she destroyed me, got married and has children, I'd still take her back. My love for her was true, hers wasn't (though I know she'd claim otherwise, putting all the blame on me).

I once had a lot of love inside me to give to someone special and to others, but after her I lost what was inside me, I became hollow. I need to rebuild in myself what was vaporized. It will take time, hard work, consistency, perseverance, high and lows, brightness and darkness, rewards or not, inorder to be whole again. Glad I found nofap and ybop 3 months ago, wish I found out 5 years ago, but better late than never right?

And I'd love to do something in IT. It pays well, but I can't tbh. Because you need high qualifications here in the UK (like a degree and/or above) in an IT field to get IT jobs. And that would take years and tonnes more student loan debts, and I can't afford anymore, plus I can't afford losing more years, I'm not getting younger. If I was still in my early 20s yeah for sure, but not now, seems too late for that.

Also, I love more than anything to be out of this city. I hate it here. But I have no money, or job skills, or a job right now for that matter. I have a goal in mind, that if/when I get a decent job that can last me a few years, I'll save up as much as possible for a few years while I'm still living here at home, so then whichever city I choose to move to I can lay down a deposit for a reasonable house. Because I don't want to rent, like I mean why make some landlord rich for something that will never be mine when I can just save that money for a future house deposit ya know?

I have a long hard road ahead of me, but hopefully it will be worth it in the long run.

 

So many amazing posts. Sorry I haven’t posted back. I read them in my email on my phone when they were being posted, I was just too lazy to respond I guess... hate using my phone to type. Thanks for the love, support, time and effort from all you guys. I haven’t been on YBOP or Nofap much since I lasted posted, which I should as it is a reminder that I’m in the biggest fight of my life, which will last for the rest of my life. I was on a good 10 day streak since my last post, but I gave in to the sexual urges. My brain gets extremely bored without seeing nudity after a week, because I have no choice but to go hardmode, therefore it gets really lonely and boring.



@yousuff Sounds like she wanted to keep an extra door/window open by keeping you around as her safety net, and/or to feed her ego that she can have you if/whenever she wanted. Many women are notorious for things like that, and they’re oblivious to what they are doing and the damage it can cause.

And I’ll be sure to check out those learning site you told me about. And you’re right I guess that it can never really truly be too late for anything, until it’s too late. Age is just a number, and I shouldn’t limit myself to it. It’s now, or never.



@Ikindaknew I know, but such a girl is hard to find. Most are all attention addicts and need people/society in order to validate their existence. They are lost without having people in their lives for just a moment, they are easily bored and always need to be entertained.

Finding a girl who doesn’t need those things is very hard, because you won’t find them where you find/meet other girls. Attention addict girls are everywhere. Simple girls aren’t around social gatherings as much, they are always working on their life goals and self-improvement, and only give little time/effort to socializing. They use socializing as just a side-hobby kind of way, rather than a way of life/existence.

Adventurous girls are more fun and exciting, but more deadly. They’d be enjoying life with or without you, the memories you make together they won’t remember for long. Simple girls can be boring (you eventually run out if things to do and talk about together), but they tend to enjoy/remember/value the memories you create together more, as it’s not something that they would be doing if it wasn’t for you.



@UpendiT You’re right. I’m/was addicted/infatuated by her. Almost like she is/was my lifeforce. Everytime I succeed or fail at anything, she’s always there in my head haunting me. And you’re 10000% right, quitting all addictions especially PMO for me and being sober for good is the only way to be done with her and all the other negatives in my life. But it’s easier said than done, as PMO was an escape mechanism for me. Without it, I have nowhere to escape to.



@dragonaire That article you linked me, for sure describes alot of her character/personality traits. She definitely had psychopathic personality traits directed at me alot of the times



@FredSamson Oh yeah man don’t I know it! They can be true killers! Heartless and cold! Only number 1 is what matters to them! They don’t care who gets run over during their journey of finding/seeking what they truly want in life!



@Namekian23 Sorry for the pain you’ve experienced. For sure they can be psychopaths (deep down inside I think all humans are to a certain extent, but women can be emotional murderers without a drop of remorse in them. They even enjoy it, it makes them feel powerful).

And I know 9 years is ridiculous, I’m harsh on myself about it. It’s only because of quitting real life, and making PMO and substances my life is why it’s been so long. It made time truly fly by me faster than light it seems. Since discovering YBOP 4 months ago I’ve been waking up from this 9 year coma and the damage it’s caused me in the long run is now what I have to face 24/7. Abstaining for just a few weeks fades her from my mind greatly. Imagine what a few months or years can do? This rope needs to be severed for my own good and for the sake of my future.



@wanabefree Yeah the funny thing is, she’s actually not a psychopath at all with other people (her friends and family). She was only like that with boyfriends/exes that she feels wrong(ed) her (I ofcourse am “the worst” of them all). From when I knew her, she’s known as an amazing person, an amazing friend, amazing everything etc. Which baffles me, because she was rarely “amazing” with me. If I were to tell her world about how she treat me, they’d call it blasphemous and blame me saying I’m the one who deserved that mistreat then as I must’ve wronged her etc I’d get burned at the stake.

She never respected my feelings or sense of self-worth from the first week we got together. But I know she would’ve treat the guy she married like a king from the first moment, as she would’ve learned from our relationship (treat a man like he’s the world, and he will give you the world)! She treat me like I’m just another replaceable guy, like I was just a stepping stone on the way to greater things. She even said when she told me that she’s getting married, that she learned from me how to be a better person. So basically I made her better for the next guy. I deserve atleast a thankyou right? Lol



@Toni S You’re so right. I am actually better off without her in the long run. It just wasn’t meant to be. I should use that experience as just that, a learning experience as all people use hurdles and falls as learning experiences for self-improvement and recovery. As you said, enough about her, and more about me. That’s going to be my mentality from now on (self-improvement). I’ll check out those links. I wouldn’t say I’m totally “serious” about anything right now career-wise, as I don’t even know what it is I want to do for sure. I have things I’d like to do, but not sure about any of them. In my head I’m intending to open several pathways for things that appeal to me, incase one doesn’t work out, the other can. But I need to make money first to do anything. I’ll try my best to explain:

1) Security work (there’s a few different types that I like). Can’t be done yet, as you need a 5 year checkable history, which I don’t have. Also, you need an SIA license which costs money for training for one etc.

2) Forklift license (for an extra skill). Cost money ofcourse.

3) Driving license. Again, money for lessons... can cost a few 1000 here in the UK.

4) HGV license. Cost 1000s for training etc, plus you need practical experience when you obtain one inorder to get work at a good paying company (means I could spend years making crap pay truck driving just to gain experience).

5) Fitness instructor. I’m not fit right now, I’ve become skinny-fat. Used to be buff (not ripped, but big strong with no fat). Haven’t worked out in 9 years, but it’s still there deep inside me. I want to get back to lifting weights, I need to live the bodybuilders lifestyle for myself. Costs money to become a fitness instructor, you have to be passionate and consistent and fit, which I am not yet.

6) Need a car for taxi driving. Taxi drivers make real good money here in the UK for like 60/70 hours a week. Need a good car something in the range of £20,000. I love cars, and driving so I’d love it.

7) I want to also be a car salesman. Need a drivers license, and sales experience. Can get experience from a callcentre sales job as there are frequently available callcentre jobs, but I detest callcentre work (boring as fuck, underpaying and overworking with practically no rewards.. I don’t want to sit at a computer/desk/cube for the rest of my life).

8) Something to do with properties. Like an estate agent etc.

They aren’t in any particular order. But I’d say that a drivers licence and a car are top priority which I need a job to get. Without them, it will be difficult doing most things in life.



@Gladiatori We sound alot alike. We use dopamine injecting activities as an escape mechanism to hide from our vulnerabilities which were exposed by rejection, as I think that we are afraid of being afraid about being fragile, so we like to forget that we are by over stimulated our brain and body with unnatural things!... to me anyway it applies. And I do beat myself up too much, it’s become a habit over the last 9 years.



@acid wizard Thanks, it does help. I need to look forward, not behind. Women bro, they are hard to live with, and hard to live without. Sometimes I bless them and curse them, want them and don’t want them all at the same time lolz weird. I just want to be free of pmo forever, be successful with a good woman in my arms who’ll accept me and always be by my side through life.



@GSarosi Absolutely amazing post. So well detailed and well written. A must read for everyone. I’ve read it twice now, and sure I’ll read it more times. It applies to me very much so. I had opportunities with many girls that guys would die for, who I could easily have had with the flick of a finger between the years of 2008 and 2011.. even went as far to messing around with 2 girls (no sex as the chance didn’t occur). But I rejected them all as they were not “her”, and in my mind were all lower as “she” was higher. I didn’t want to settle for anything, much less for something less. It was like, either all or nothing. I had porn, drink, drugs, games/entertainment, my savings which I blew throughout my 9 year coma... I was a brain dead zombie with a brain flooded by a tsunami of dopamine because of those things, which caused me to think that way about those lost opportunities, kept me blind deaf and dumb for so long. Me and Kyle seem alot like the same, atleast in regards to “the one” and the fallout after.

And I completely hear you about the independent man. That’s how it is. Look at most athletes, top businessmen, successful men in general, they all strive to benefit themselves becoming the best version of themselves, doing what they enjoy inside and outside of their professional life. And except the rewards that come with it, accept those who want to get on the train with them along their journey. They don’t work for women, they just accept them as part of the journey, and use them as just a little extra motivation for continuing, not as THE motivation. It’s what I need to learn, and put it into practice of my everyday nofap life.

The activities that I enjoy and want to do, which are for me and not for woman, are gaming (it’s my first real love and passion, it’s what I truly enjoy the most, even though I haven’t done it as much since attempting nofap, it will always be a part of me, even in my old age lol). Then working out like lifting for bodybuilding, and MMA. Not for women, but for myself. I was always into that kind of stuff since a young age, my late father got me really interested in it, before I ever got an erection or discovered women. It’s always been a part of me, it’s one of my main goals to make bodybuilding, along with earning money happily, practicing my religion, nofap and gaming as my permanent lifestyle.

 

@DevinYS This turns out to be a long ass post, so be prepared lol.

I didn’t talk to her on the road trip about her ex harassing her. I felt that it wasn’t my place, as it was only less than a week that we’ve been together. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that girls hate petty control/anger issues in men from the get-go. Besides, I feel that why should I even have to do or say anything, common sense should tell her to leave her shit in the toilet. Don’t drag your baggage into the new relationship, it’s not fair to the new guy that has to pick that stuff up to lighten her load just so to show her that he’s polite. My point is that it’s baggage that didn’t need to be there... she allowed it to be there for whatever reason. That’s the kind of stuff that you clean up on your own when you have time. Mute the phone, cancel it, later when she’s with her friend on a bathroom break or whatever, call him back and say whatever.

She was notorious with me for playing mind-games like that, instead of just being straight forward. Another time she dumped me just for this: I answered my cousins text twice infront of her while we were together in the car within the space of a minute, because he needed me but I was telling him that I’m busy (I told her that “just let me quickly text him back that I’m busy because he doesn’t know” etc, she was cool). But little did I know, she was mad. She got a call from a friend a few minutes after, and she stayed on the phone to him for I kid you not, 25 minutes, on purpose, inorder to prove some kind of point. I stayed sitting there like a doofus the whole time, it was 6pm then, after her call I told her that I gotta go (as my ill mother is looking after my niece). It meant that I have to go, so I’ll drop you off. But no, as I said that “I have to go”, she got out the car angrily threw my jacket back at me, said “we’re over” and slammed the door. She wouldn’t get back in the, so I had to just go then.

Later when we spoke, she said that I kicked her out the car and then abandoned her (I clearly did not, nor did I imply that she “get out”. My implication was more than clear that I’ll take her home now as I have to go). But nope she wasn’t having it, I was wrong, she was right, so as usual I apologized sincerely. The phone call, she said that I made her second priority to my cousin while it was our quality time together. So to show me how she felt, she had to give me the taste of my own medicine by being on the phone for a long time, so that I will actually “learn”, as opposed to just straight out telling me how she felt, which would not make me “learn” as she put it. She always used to find / fabricate buttons in me to intentionally push, to see how I react, just so she can point her finger at me to prove that I am indeed a scumbag. There were countless more times of things like that, I could write a whole book about, but I won’t bore you guys about her childish stories anymore.

The part about her aunt, I don’t know how I could’ve said anything to hurt her. Her aunt I were talking about careers, hobbies, I was trying to make her laugh at times with silly jokes her aunt was laughing alot, while she was just sitting there looking at us banter. I think it was something more to do between those two personally, but she took it out on me, because why not right? That’s what I’m there for!

And I see your point about the other stuff. I’m not saying that I’m an innocent saint at all. I’m saying I was wrong myself many times in the relationship. But everytime I always sincerely tried to make up for it, acknowledge what i did, apologize for it, take responsibly for it, and to continually work on repairs from there-on-out. She never did any of those, EVER.

I remember, one time in the relationship, I told her that she mistreats me etc pointing out examples, she would respond with “why don’t you just end this then if I’m such a bad girlfriend”? I’d answer with, “because you mean more to me than that, I didn’t cuff you just to break up over miniscule matters than can easily be worked on together”. And that her response is also another reason, that if I slip on a banana peel, you’d just dump me without thinking twice? “What if we were married, you’d divorce me over such things”? She said, “but we aren’t married. And yes I’d dump you for being a dick, or if you disrespect me etc”.

And you’re 100% right, I guess that subconsciously I’m holding onto her because that’s all of her that remains, and by doing so she’ll somehow know and be mine again. It’s sad as fuck I know. I’d love to be done with her forever and find someone else. But my life is in ruins, I can’t be what I need to be for someone else, no matter how desperate I am. I’m unemployed, no job skills, no money, need dental work, need to save up £10,000 for a private operation on correcting my congenital penile curvature, need secure income and a car etc. The unemployed and no money part would be acceptable if I were in my late teens and early 20s, but not at 29 man. There’s millions of other guys to choose from who have it all together, and aren’t PMO addicts.

And I’m really sorry about your dilemma, I can imagine what it can be like in your situation. But tbh, you don’t love him, you honestly don’t, trust me, you don’t! Your emotions are so intense, that it’s a type of “high”, making you think that you’re seeing/feeling something that is otherwise not real. That’s what a crush is. You have a real deep crush on this person. The desire of wanting something that you can’t have, which just so happens to be so close, yet so far, can run havoc on ones emotions. “Love”, is something very different, but can only be identified as something different once you’ve experienced both “love” and “crushing”. However though, believe me when I tell you, that you’ll be free of him one day, if it doesn’t go any further than just “crushing” that is.

In school, college, uni, work place, crushing is universally intensified because that person is infront of you everyday getting on with their business with their perfect selves, in their perfect skin, with their perfect movements and facial expressions, their perfect voice and clothes etc. Then you take those same things home with you multiplying them 10 fold with more thoughts/fantasies of them etc. I’ve had many crushes in my teens, one crush lasted for 2 years, but it dies hard and fast when there’s a new crush/possibility around. I look back on those girls I crushed on, and I’m like “dayum that’s crazy how I was crazy about them”. I really thought that I “loved” them. But no, I loved the idea of loving them, the perfect image of them that I’ve created of them in my head, and indeed they are/seem perfect, I’d do anything for them etc.

Love however, happens when you’ve seen the good, the bad, the beauty, the ugliness, the fairness, the unfairness, the beautiful scent, the ugly stench, the right doing, the wrong doing. genuinely caring for the others’ wellbeing like health, wealth, dreams/ambitions etc. Helping them in their hardships, supporting them. Going to them and using their shoulder when you’re in need etc. Thinking about them 24/7 of the now, and the future, such as having a family, building a home, following professional dreams alongside one another, growing old together, looking back, and loving every good and bad moment without wanting to change a thing. Caring about their family problems, about their family members as if they are yours (even if they’re douchbags). The true desire to want to be there for them in every way possible.

When you have eyes for no other, as no other exists, only that “one” exists. When you know you’d reject 20 of the hottest offering themselves to you, because that “one” is worth infinitely more. When you’re offered the worlds’ fortune to be without that “one”, even if it’s for a day, you’d refuse because that “one” is worth more than the whole universe! When you “dig” their awkward sense of humour, finding them hilarious even though you know that it wasn’t actually funny, but you do find it funny. When you get frustrated with them over the smallest of things, and sometimes want to bitchslap them for no reason, yet you know you’d give your left nut just to put a smile on their face even if that smile lasts for only a second. When you love them on their worst day, even if their worst day lasts for weeks/months/years (can even be because of genuine clinical depression they have). When you’ve smelled their farts/shits, yet you still think they smell of roses. When you’d clean up after them willingly because they can’t or won’t. When you go out of your way to be there for them, and even put yourself at risk whatever the kind inorder to help them. When you still love them after they’ve hurt you so much, so many times, even if it was intentional, even if they’ve stole from you.

Only when all/most of the above are part of you and them, only then you can say that it’s “love”. But hey maybe it is love, who really knows what love really is anyway? Its definition changes for everyone. My point is, don’t worry bro, there’ll literally be many more where he came from.