Still not clean, in a relationship

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Road to freedom, Nov 20, 2021.

  1. Road to freedom

    Road to freedom Fapstronaut

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    I hope reposting is allowed, this is my recent relapse report, and has to do with getting clean while in a relationship. I hope I can get more replies here.

     
    TrueSaiyan2.0 likes this.
  2. happenstance

    happenstance Fapstronaut

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    Why were you looking together with your spouse at some Instagram models?
     
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  3. Does your spouse know about your addiction?

    I agree with your therapist about it being nearly impossible to get clean alone. Almost never happens. Addiction thrives in secrecy. Get an accountability partner or join a support group. Or both. Talk to a clergy person.

    You don't have to completely abstain from O to reboot. Plenty of people working recovery still O with their partner. Some believe it makes the reboot take longer, but it's just what works better for some couples. That's up to you and your spouse. And, if your spouse doesn't know about your addiction, IMO, you should open up and be honest about it.
     
    ANewFocus and Psalm27:1my light like this.
  4. Leftwhirled

    Leftwhirled Fapstronaut

    I'm married. I relapsed 3 months back after a few consecutive months off PMO - sucks big time. Hindsight's 20/20, but it is so obvious looking back: increased stress, increased need for coping, spending too much time on the Internet, no goals, loss of motivation at work. This is not my first time through this so you'd think I'd be better at spotting it now.

    Try adding accountability to your arsenal. I've only done a couple weeks of that so far, but it does feel like adding some structure to your life which was lacking for me. Good luck to you!
     
  5. Road to freedom

    Road to freedom Fapstronaut

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    She has an account to promote her music project, so she adds many accounts to spread the word.
     
  6. Road to freedom

    Road to freedom Fapstronaut

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    She knows for s long time, she's the one who gets the reports from the accountability software. Though I worked around it many times. I once read that just locking everything down is like trying to stop eating junk by not having it in your house - it just becomes more attractive and you get it outside. But I'm not ready for a free access to the Internet. Even though I have the example of my mom (a recovering alcoholic) - there is wine in the house for my dad, but she's not tempted at all. When she was in the middle of alcoholism, I used to throw away her drinks, but she just got more at the nearest stores. So, it's not really a matter of availability.

    I'm still too embarrassed to talk to a group or a buddy, it was hard enough to tell the therapist, and he's not aware of the details.

    Edit: I read here in the past about being able to get clean without abstaining from O, while in a relationship. It gives me hope, and I understand it takes time. But I really really need to beware of the chaser effect.
     
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2021
    hope4healing likes this.
  7. Road to freedom

    Road to freedom Fapstronaut

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    I do have an accountability software, but as I mentioned, many times I worked around it - it only enlarged the temptation. Of course, I first must choose to be accountable before myself. Still, I'm much more clean than I used to be two years ago. But I'm afraid I'm slipping back into old habits.
     
  8. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Having accountability software that you work around further increases the damage to your spouse. Unless you are completely honest with her. The “ clean” reports go against her gut. She doesn’t trust or believe in her gut which causes huge amounts of stress in the body. Once she realizes, this things will be even worse for her. I agree having software to help us a good idea, but if you aren’t being up front with your spouse you are causing even more damage to her.
     
    Road to freedom and hope4healing like this.

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