Still struggling

Man, this has been and still is a VERY hard road. I’ve been trying to quit P for over a year now, and haven’t looked at any in about 130 days, and haven’t MO’d in about 120, my counter is set to the last time I edged.

It still comes in waves, yeah I have some good days. The high’s I have had has been amazing! The confidence boosts, energy boost, sex drive boost, desire to socialize, positivity, depression lifted, stress lifted, and more easy going, noticed some muscle gains, even when I haven’t worked out routinely like I would like. When those have been around it’s been nice. But more often is the nevatives.... they keep coming back, and HARD.

I still struggle hard with flatline that comes and goes. Today I am horny again and got morning wood and a couple decent erections when talking to my wife about our sex life and things we want to do to each other. But some days like the last week or so I was in a flatline with depression, no energy and I even felt like I couldn’t hardly get a erection if I tried. My penis is pretty big, my wife always comments on the size, and some days it would shrivel up and be the smallest I have ever seen it. I have had some major PE a couple times with her, super sensitive down there. I even struggled getting hard a few times and I never have had that issue hardly.

Now this isn’t all the time, but more often than not these days...I am still struggling with crazy anxiety and stress. I used to always be so clam and laid back. I have struggled with depression most my life, but never anxiety. It’s insane how anxious I get now and social anxiety as well. I’m SOO EXHAUSTED. I have no motivation, sometimes I still just break down and cry out of nowhere and have crazy mood swings.

If I accidentally come across a provocative picture, I get a weird feeling throughout my brain and body. For instance my wife was shopping online for lingerie for us, which i LOVE! She screen shot a picture of a girl in one and sent it and asked if I liked it. I felt a rush of electricity through my brain and body and afterwards had crazy anxiety and actually felt kinda sick. Like my brain is so sensitive.

I know this takes time, I’m one of the people that will take a lot longer to reboot. I still have urges, I still struggle with sexualizing women in public sometimes, I want this all to pass and get on with my life with my family. I NEVER want to touch MYSELF or look at P again. I want it out of my life. This is so hard.

I was a addict. I have been viewing it and doing wrong things since I was around 12, I am now 30. I would do it daily sometimes multiple times. I got into some hardcore stuff and would do things I’m certainly not proud of. My brain is STILL fighting for me to return to it. And I will NOT.

I want to feel alive and have energy and motivation! I love my wife and kids and I love the Lord. Please renew my heart, mind, body and spirit Lord. Help ease my anxiety and tense body. I only want my desires to be filled by my wife. Help me control my lusftful thoughts and actions.