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Stonewalling

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Queenie%Bee, Sep 16, 2022.

  1. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    How do you handle stonewalling.
     
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  2. I wish I knew the best answer to this question, but unfortunately, I don't. I know that, oftentimes, I don't handle stonewalling very well. It always makes me feel even more hurt and less important when I try to talk about my feelings, and instead of understanding or reassurance, I get nothing. Silence. It's such a slap in the face. I know this is a common response from PA's because of the shame cycle, but it doesn't make it hurt less knowing that.

    I hope someone has good suggestions about this.
     
  3. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Not the same, but something my wife has started saying is
    That's not in a heated discussion, so might not be useful in your case, but it often gets me contributing more, and speculating about my feelings if I cannot access them directly.
     
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  4. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    That’s hard I usually get stonewalling ( I mean complete shut down , nonverbal so there can’t be a convo ) then next is such extreme defensiveness , gaslighting almost verbal abuse , then a few days later , a completely different person . He has never beeen a good communicator unless sober .
     
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  5. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Oh this is not shame this time , this is indignation, he’s mad at ME . Lololol
     
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  6. InappropriateUsername

    InappropriateUsername Fapstronaut

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    From the male perspective, many of us are bad communicators to begin with, never mind the whole PA thing.

    A few suggestions:
    -Asking direct, open-ended questions.
    -Alternative communication channels (I often write what I’m feeling and give it to my SO—allows me to sort thoughts better)
    -Using an intermediary or facilitator like a counselor or therapist, pastor
    -Explaining WHY you are asking a specific question (“I need you to explain this b/c it is affecting my self-confidence and I can’t stop thinking about it”)
     
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  7. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    John Gottman did an extensive study on stonewalling. It might be better or mor informative if you picked up his book than ask here. I’ve never had to deal with it on a regular basis. Gottman has some great books on marriage. The biggest problem here- you are trying to change a communication problem that is tied directly to his addiction. Once again, if he doesn’t see an issue, he will not change, and this will leave you doing all the work and making all the concessions and getting more and more frustrated. Your husband violated one of your boundaries. What was the consequences of his violation and does he understand and agree? He is angry that you caught him with another secret laptop and angry that you caught him on his phone. Rather than fight with him, what have you done to remove yourself from his addiction and protect yourself? He is harming you, emotionally and physically through your stress levels.
     
  8. RUNDMC

    RUNDMC Fapstronaut

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    Silence and self-absorption.
     
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  9. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    So much truth to this. An addict does not equally participate in a relationship. They always put self first. So, therefore, you must put yourself first.
     
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  10. Bloody Mary

    Bloody Mary Fapstronaut

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    When It happens to me,
    I suppose: Stonewalling = Lies
     
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