Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by SunDrew, Apr 11, 2017.

  1. SunDrew

    SunDrew Fapstronaut

    Earlier today I received some notifications of people that read posts about the book 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do by Amy Morin. Those posts were old (almost a couple years old) and I decided to go back through and read my old posts. It became more and more apparent that I have not changed that much in the last couple years. Yes, I may have accrued some more knowledge and wisdom but I am basically in the same place in my life mentally as I was back then.

    Last year, I got a new job. I always thought that if I just had a job that paid enough for me not to feel financially suffocated then I would be happy. Voila, the job came along last year and I am not happier. In fact, I am more frustrated. I still have struggled to quit porn even after over two years. It's been one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do but I know it will be worth it.

    Truth is, I don't think I have really put any effort into it.

    I have become a self improvement junkie. Instead of actually practicing self improvement, I have been reading books and listening to podcasts about self improvement. Mental masturbation as some people call it. I read these books and listen to these podcasts like the principles of them will absorb into me like osmosis. I hope that all of the sudden I will have that "a-ha" moment and my life will change. My subconscious mind thinks:

    • "NoFap will be easy after this."
    • "I read the right book now."
    • "This book finally was the great break-through that I needed. Life will be a piece of cake."
    It's not that I actually tell this language to myself but I know that a part of me believes it. I think it's kind of like a "shotgun effect." Most of the principles will not hit me but one of them will. It encourages me to move on and buy the next book that will change my life. Even though my life hasn't changed at all.

    I have come to realize that it is important to just take 1 or 2 books that you think have good principles and try to master them. I'm going to try to master the principles of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do.

    Nothing in life that is worth having will come easy. I have been on cruise control for too long. During my senior year of high school my father passed away from cancer. Ever since then, I really have not been the same person, although I like to think the contrary. I used to be a driven and motivated human being. I would wake up at 4:30/5am to workout in the morning. Now I barely can get out of bed at 6am.

    The last thing that I really feel like I earned was my starting position and being team captain on my football team. Everything else, I feel like I have half assed. I half assed my way into college and through college. I didn't really work that hard to get through a lot of my classes in college. If a class was too "tough" I would generally get by. I didn't pour myself into it. I have become a bratty entitled kid. I have been expecting things in the world to happen for me instead of me doing anything for the world.

    In college, I got involved in theater by accident from an acting class elective. I half assed my audition, forgot my lines and because someone quit, I got a role in my first play. I didn't really do anything outside of rehearsal to prepare for the play. Four plays later and two lead roles, I made some good performances. However, none of them I felt like I really poured myself into. I'm ashamed to say it.

    This is very tough for me to write because no one wants to admit any of this. People would congratulate you on and say how great you are and all I want to say is, "NO."

    There's a part of me that knows I could have put more into this. Maybe that's why I want to write a memoir about my father. It is something that I can put my whole self into. There has only been a handful of times in my life where I have pushed myself to the limit and poured myself into something and it almost always turns out well.


    I think fear plays a huge part in not being able to push yourself. It's the fear of not being good enough. As human beings, we always fear the unknown but sometimes we can use the unknown as a protective mechanism from pushing ourself.

    -Whenever I fuck around in my diet I just say to myself, "I can try harder later."
    -Whenever I fuck off on my workout I say, "I can try harder tomorrow."
    -Whenever I fuck off from writing I say, "I can write more tomorrow and try harder."

    We don't want to push ourselves because it is scary. What if I pour everything I have into NoFap and still fail? What if I put everything I have into this memoir and it is terrible?

    This is the ego talking. Our ego wants to protect us from this kind of failure at all costs. If I write a book that bombs and I half ass it the ego can tell you, "you could have done a little more. That's why it bombed. It has nothing to do with you."

    What if I put all this effort into my dreams and they crumble? I ask myself this, "is it better to fail faster and put 100% in and be able to move on or would you rather half ass it and life with that burden for the rest of your life?" I choose the former.

    I am absolutely sick of the same routine over and over again. My life is flashing before my very eyes and I'm missing the best parts. It's time to put the effort into it. It's time to change my life and actually put it into practice.

    Wisdom is not in the knowing. If wisdom was knowing then it would be a fact just like gravity. Wisdom is putting the life philosophy into practice and you cannot sum that up with words, only energy.
  2. The |E|volutionary

    The |E|volutionary Fapstronaut

    You mean don't be a pseudo-self improver. Not a self improvement junkie. Because I'm one and I'm doing some real damage to the negativity. Other than that your post is spot on. Just be careful using the wrong words.
    Warrior Within, Aiyoshi and Keating like this.
  3. Keating

    Keating Fapstronaut

    Yea. I completely agree with the above person. Application is important and essential, however knowledge and information is also very valuable.
  4. vulture175

    vulture175 Fapstronaut

    Yah life is complex and i don't think it can be controlled by some simple principles written in the books, i think most self-helps are not really good and the authors just want to make some money to save their bank accounts which is understandable. Understanding ourselves is important, there's something we can do, and something we can't, and sometimes it's ok to be scared of something. That means your fight or fly response is still working, just don't let it oversensive
  5. Runtilmylegsdropoff

    Runtilmylegsdropoff Fapstronaut

    What I got out of that is, "don't half ass things and expect great results".
    Aiyoshi and The |E|volutionary like this.
  6. Lyart

    Lyart Fapstronaut


    It sounds like you want things to go wrong. I believe you have self esteem issues. Let me tell you that you will get worse if you don't feed your brain information.
    If you want things to be harder in life, keep telling yourself that. You will hate it.

    Read my thread on how to improve confidence. That will help.

    And knock that "I don't deserve" that shit off. You have more than many people on this planet.
  7. The |E|volutionary

    The |E|volutionary Fapstronaut

    I'm with Ly here. If yall are gonna post in the SI forum, make sure it isn't shit posting. Though that ship has long sailed already. Not sure why this "I don't deserve" nonsense is so popular lately. Must be too much Linkin Park or something.

    Change your mindset to see results. Leave Linkin Park at home.
    Lyart, Keating and overclocked like this.
  8. MrPrince

    MrPrince Fapstronaut

    "Knowledge has no value except that which can be gained from its application"
    Napolean Hill

    Great post bro
    Aiyoshi likes this.
  9. Automaticpilot

    Automaticpilot Fapstronaut

    Great insight. I think the problem with reading way too many self-help books is that people start having way too high expectations of themselves. In a way, it starts to have a reversed effect and you will end up worse than before. It gives you so much more content to be judgmental about yourself and you will end up feeling like a piece of shit ALL the time. Even when you accomplish things you should be proud of. Didn't take a cold shower? Damn I suck. Had a negative thought? I should be more positive, I hate myself. Had a snack? Fuck me i should eat healthy etc. I think this is also your biggest problem by reading your post.

    From just this one post I can easily pick a LOT of things you can be proud of. Let's do it:

    You have struggled with an addiction for over TWO YEARS! And still you are on this forum, trying to stop the addiction. That takes some extraordinary perseverance.

    Most people can't even get out of bed at 6 am. To be honest, I struggle to get out of bed at 7 am.

    You made it through college without even working hard. That means you are very intelligent and did not waste energy on unimportant things. Awesome.

    Come on man, it really takes some fucked up mental gymnastics to spin this into a negative perspective. You got two lead roles but still you seem unhappy about it. What does it take to ever be good enough?! If I, and many other people, were to have a lead role in a play it would feel like a great accomplishment!

    The point i'm trying to make is: give yourself a break. Congratulate yourself. Take all of the time you put into judging yourself and pour it into celebrating your successes, even the smallest things like "I washed my hands after taking a shit". Stop reading pretentious self-help bullshit for a while. Stick to one book (as you yourself already mentioned) and extensively congratulate yourself for every slight progress and accomplishment you make. If you keep setting unreachable standards for yourself you will be miserable until you die.
  10. ⅅⅈⅇ

    ⅅⅈⅇ Guest

    If you're tired of the same routine then change your outlook. So many people ***** and complain that they're missing out on the "best parts" of life, but this is only the case because you don't appreciate the best parts you already have! You let fantasy "best parts" rob you of seeing all the good that's already in your life and guess what?! If you stick with this type of thinking you will get those new best parts of life and still be bitching about how you're missing out on the "best parts" of life. Take for example your high paying job. Before you had it, it was the fantasy best part of life you were missing. Now you have it and you're still searching for new fantasy "best parts" of life.
    SheMonk, SunDrew and Automaticpilot like this.
  11. Aiyoshi

    Aiyoshi Fapstronaut

    How about reading a lot of books while mastering one? There's always things that complement each other, y'know?
    Anyway, what are those 13 things you're going to master?
  12. ⅅⅈⅇ

    ⅅⅈⅇ Guest

    MrPrince and Aiyoshi like this.
  13. Aiyoshi

    Aiyoshi Fapstronaut

  14. SunDrew

    SunDrew Fapstronaut

    I appreciate all of the comments. Thank you fellow NoFappers for helping me gain some perspective on things. I was in a very frustrated mood yesterday when I posted the above. @DIE you are absolutely right. @Automaticpilot you are right, I need to celebrate the good things that are happening in my life and have happened. I am becoming what I don't want to become. The post I made kind of proves it. If I am so hard on myself and not satisfied with anything, I will be miserable until the day I die and become a miserable old man. Thank you everyone for the different perspective and also giving me a kick in the teeth in certain parts. I do need to focus more on the positive things in my life. While it's important to acknowledge the existence of the negative, I need to not spin things that can be positive into negative.
  15. MrPrince

    MrPrince Fapstronaut

    Thank you
    You enlighten me on some of my problems i am too judjemental on myself
    Automaticpilot likes this.
  16. vulture175

    vulture175 Fapstronaut


    Spot on. You just described me of few years ago. After i realized something not so perfect with those books, i did write an article called "the negative effects of positive thinking", so i told myself "being positive, not forced thinking positively". I would change the genre of those books to self-harm books tbh, because i have seen many severe cases of people being over obsessed with motivational books, videos, principles, trainings, then they made themselves ill, some even started with really extreme depressive episode cuz they always thought they're not enough, and the thought just kept saying over and over and over again until they need professional helps. I was one of the victims.
    Automaticpilot likes this.
  17. señor

    señor Guest

    good post man. people seem to be under the impression that happiness is this carefree, magical place we arrive to when things go right for us. in reality, happiness is more like a muscle -- the more you work it out, the bigger it becomes.
    The |E|volutionary likes this.
  18. SheMonk

    SheMonk Fapstronaut

    Let me tell you a story:

    An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

    The Mexican replied, “only a little while. The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The American then asked, “but what do you do with the rest of your time?”

    The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siestas with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine, and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life.” The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing, and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise.”

    The Mexican fisherman asked, “But, how long will this all take?”

    To which the American replied, “15 – 20 years.”

    “But what then?” Asked the Mexican.

    The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions!”

    “Millions – then what?”

    The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”
    SunDrew, MrPrince and ⅅⅈⅇ like this.
  19. ⅅⅈⅇ

    ⅅⅈⅇ Guest

    Reminds me of one of my favorite quotes.

    "There are two ways to have enough. One is to keep on accumulating more. The other is to desire less." --G. K. Chesterton.
    MrPrince likes this.
  20. MrPrince

    MrPrince Fapstronaut

    Great story
    SheMonk likes this.

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