Stopping the buildup

I don't know about you but I have a certain pattern that comes up before I give in, the crazy thing is it's ALWAYS the same. That would make it seem like it would be easy to change but it's not. If you are good for a few days and then you feel the urge creeping up, how do you deal with it? For me, after I relapse I feel sure that I'll get on the right road and feel committed. I'm good for a few days, maybe more. I'm relating better, starting conversations - good connections and vibes. Why do we self sabotage when we are doing well?

Here is how I know - for myself, that I very well could be on the way to relapse. As a matter of fact, I shouldn't be so hesitant about saying the above. I am on the way to relapse.

The first thing is sexualizing women on TV, usually attractive news anchors - undressing them, getting curious about what is underneath their clothes. I find it hard to stop and it makes it very hard to focus on what they are saying. I don't usually do this in public when I'm shopping or out and about, but if the urge is building a young woman dressed provocatively will trigger a response. The strange thing is that there ALWAYS seems to be one around when I'm struggling with this. Maybe I'm attracting it? It's strange.

The next phase is my mind gets flooded with pornographic images I've masturbated to, "favorites" that I've come back to again and again.

Then the "taunting" begins. Wouldn't you like to see this body part and that one and so on all the way down the line. You can see anything you want, and it's so easy.

I can't compare what I look at with what other people look at, but I will try to rationalize it that way. Realistically, it doesn't matter. I'm still addicted. I look at naked women that masturbate and don't take it any further. That's enough for me. Again the pain I suffer is enormous because as you know we can edge for as long as we want or can stand it, and the high of the dopamine effect is that you are FOOLING yourself that you are there. It is so fake yet such a potent DRUG.

Finally, I get an aching in my groin. I might touch myself or get myself moving in a certain way because I feel so damn horny and at that point I am done. I'm a mindless zombie who goes through the same routine again knowing what I'm doing but not CARING. That is the worst part of this addiction.

This is all very embarrassing to admit and lay out but that is my pattern. I think that I react to it in a helpless way. I'm doing GOOD, and then with just the first phase I'm saying "Oh Shit". There IT is again.

I hate to come off so helpless. I've tried to fight it, let it pass. I don't know how to nip it in the bud, better to say head it off at the pass - not that last phrase, unfunny humor.

How do you deal with the building up of your urges? It gets to the point where I drop everything and just do it, I'm worn out. I want to beat this thing. This last time felt like a bottom of some sort. Thanks if you have any advice. Sometimes maybe we all feel like a wuss when we keep failing and looking for solutions, but to no avail.

 

Yeah, giving up just leads to more pain and total frustration again. Thanks for replying and keep up the good fight.

 

I revised my response. Thank you, that is a very powerful meditation.

 

You bet, thanks.