Story of a young fapstronaut and his thoughts for the future

Good morning, this is my first post. It is really long beacause it tells my story from the beginning with also a lot of reflections. Read it if you have time. I also haven't learned the lexic so i won't be very technical. I'll dive in very personal details, so be prepared.

I wanted to discuss to you about what to do with your life. After having finally understood that P (videos, hot pics and just undressed girls in general) sucks, because it is not only vile to need artificial stimulacion to relapse but also extremely detrimental, you have reached the "psycologically out" stage: it still attracts you, but you now it's shit. At that point, (and i do), you may feel disoriented. What should you do? This is not the first time i'm rebooting; i'm actually very young, i've written a false birth date on my account beacause of old habits of when i was a child, so i'm six years younger. Sadly i've discovered nofap only now: see, for me it has always been a problem; i discovered the world of sex at nine, casually reading about fellatio on wikipedia, and had my first orgasm at 9 and 6 months. I remember watching my first porn on my father's phone, a fisting video, at something like 9/10 years old. I felt horrible and cried every day. I was so young i actually felt the addiction getting me more and more every day. I had my tablet, and the homepage of Internet was full of porn sites and i watched it and masturbated compulsively (forgive me for my english, i'm italian). This fase lasted for an eternity: a year and a half. Finally, in the equivalent of your 8th grade, it ended. I have always been a really good student, never lacked productivity because of porn, and in that period i accepted it: my classmates also masturbated to porn (we were like 11/12 years old) and because of that i felt that it was okay, and the addiction gradually cancelled my sensibility to its brutality. And so it went on. I fapped from one to four times a week depending on times and didn't have any problems at school. I think i'm lucky: even though i discovered PMO at a tragically young age, i have never fapped to it more than one time a day in the worst periods and it never affected me in anything, because i think i have a natural talent in studying so i always had abundant time to fap. Anyway, if there is one effect that porn has on me, it is Porn Induced Erectile Disfunction. It needs just a couple of porn sessions to get me and after that the effects need two weeks to slightly disappear (and by that i mean that i need two weeks to able to MO with pics instead of videos). I remember the good times of ignurant fapping; i ignored its effects and masturbated when i wanted and threw myself in one hour sessions on pornhub, and i reached my maximum techincal development in that period. Thanks to the help of my great friend Luca, (i'll call him Luke so it's more pleasant for you english speakers) i discovered Kycalc, and app that hides in a calculator a browser accessible with a numerical password. I had a catalog of tens of downoloaded porn videos and on the browser always at least ten pages open, each one with the best video of the cathegory (like "best interracial lesbian video" or "best sensual sex"). I was extremely organised and i reached high points of advancement: mirrors, starlings, paranoia and ability to organise masturbation helped me to cope with the higher and higher time needed to come, because of the catastrofic effects that it was having on me. In all this time i was never caught masturbating. Luke and i went camping in tents together and spent time talking about porn, copying links, discussing about the best actresses and, obviously masturbating. We never did it toghether but we talked about masturbating techniques and a lot of dirty stuff. This was in summer of 2017; as I said before, I didn't feel regrets anymore and aparth from a crazy porn usage (for my "porn usage meter", obvioulsy. Maybe some of you would consider it not much.), my life was happy and satifying. But that had to come to an end: after reading some stuff in September, (it was actually an italian NOFAP user that had an interview on an important website) mainly about PIED, I decided to end porn (I still thought that porn was just about Pornhub) usage. And so, on 9th of September 2017, after a risky PMO session, I stopped. I never suffered particularly immediate term stop, and the first ten days were easy living; I didn't have nocturnal emissions so it was very easy to stop PMO for some time. Then after a couple of weeks, I was home alone and wanted to masturbate, but for loyalty to myself I couldn't use Porn. So, after thinking a bit, I discovered what would have been the protagonist of my "sexual life" from then on: hot pics. They are like porn, but they look innocent and unharmful. It went on for 40 days: I started again masturbating in November because of lack of improvements (only now i see why) and from then on, the story is the same: I alternated periods of regular PMOs to short, fake abstinences. I think it ended around January/February. From then on, with my new computer, it was all about porn. I was back at the good ol' days of ignurance but now I knew, now, the effects of it. I never renounced to the idea of quitting, but never really informed myself about it. Summer passed, i got a great score at the biggest exam of my life, and it was during an intense fapping period; maybe I'm just magic... But as I went in holiday with my family for two weeks in a place without internet, I suffered like hell. Wanted to masturbate, but looked at my "porn superpowers" disappear without using it. The holiday was fantastic, but that MO problem touched me deeply and I finally started seroiusly thinking about a definitive quitting of porn. I discovered in september of the past year that pics also make part of porn. I could i have been so stupid? But again, during fall 2018, even though I did it more rarely, i kept masturbating to porn every one or two weeks. I quitted every time, but after the first nocturnal emission, I got discouraged and started Porn fapping again. On the 8th of December, important date for myself (a year before I decided to let my hair grow, they are now long to my shoulders), I took the definitive decision. I read briefly about rebooting and decided to stick to it. I tried to fight Nocturnal Emissions (I will call them NE now) with paper towels in my pants, and although they didn't work initially, i was starting to get enough experience to fight them. Suddently, on december 28th, a stupid, idiotic move: as a "Christmas present", I decided to do a Pornhub session. Obviously, it ended in a PMO, plus 3 in the next 6 days. I'm sick of this. I know now that masturbation, unless I reach the "salt desert" phase, ins't secure for me anymore. And even after that, there isn't an excape. My friend Luke teached me a particular style of masturbating, that consists in a brutal Death Grip and I cannot go back to my old style anymore. "There are no clean getaways", says the great film "no country for old men". I have to quit PMO for ever, until i'll have a partner. Then i'll be ready to give her all of my sexual energy. But for now it's a definitive STOP. So, this is my story, I hope you enjoied it and now I have some questions for you: have you reached my determination yet? Have you reached the "psycologically out phase" yet? And, after rebooting, what do you want to do? How do you cope with nocturnal emissions? How did you feel about women in your dark ages? I, for example, never stopped loving their real buty. I never mercified them, proof that porn has damaged me only phisically and that i can still save myself. Are you religious, and if so did you ever feel unworthy of going to church because of your PMO attitudes? I feel that I've got no choice now but to abandon everything now and get back to my childhood innocence. Even though everything will be against me, this is the result of years of attemps, and NOTHING can stop me now. Life without porn was better, easier and funner and i'll restore it, i SWEAR it now. The counter of the years has started.

 

Ti ringrazio, adorabile connazionale.

 

Thnks for the answer, also best of luck for you!