Story of my life/Give me your feedback/*clickbait title so someone helps out*

This might be a long-ish thread so skip to the last paragraph if you're not interested in reading the whole thing but are still interested in lending a hand and giving some advice. Apologies in advance if the post is a little inconsistent but my brain is all scrambled up and I'm addicted to thinking, let's try and keep this short...

OK so first a "little" back story (or rather my whole life)... I'm a 20 year old dude (virgin, maybe by choice) who had a very decent life growing up, I was a very happy child despite witnessing nearly daily fights between my parents at home but regardless of that they were very loving parents, I also have a great, older sister who supports me and has helped me over the years. Both of my parents are alcoholics, not to a ridiculous extent but they're the daily drinking type and it affects them, their judgement and everyone else in the house. Right now some of you might be thinking: "well, just move out dude!", here's the thing though, I have nearly zero experience going outside on my own, I finished high school and didn't even think of college because I've always hated studying about things I didn't care for, I've also never had a job and I have no idea what job to get because I'm afraid I'll be stuck in a shit-job-cycle if I start working bad jobs that'll just get me depressed and make me question my goals in life even further. I know what I want from my life but I'm not sure how to get there.

I've also been irrationally scared of dogs since I can remember, it's only now fading since I've gotten a cat last year (I was also allergic as hell to furry animals, luckily I'm fine now).

Fast forward to 2014, I was diagnosed with "early stages of depression", whatever that means and I had to take pills for my anxiety attacks every day. Eventually I got out of it or so I thought... Since I feel it coming back right now. It's not a suicidal depression, it's more of a "what the hell am I to do with my life" thing and it demotivates me.

I've always felt like I wanted to have a great ever lasting bond with a girl but I guess I was too shy growing up so I couldn't muster up the courage to approach any girls I had a crush on, that and the fact that I have all these weird crazy morals and values that make me not want to go forward with things if I'm not 100% sure it'll work well (I plan things ahead of time way more than I should).

Every relationship I've ever been in has been a long distance relationship, I have a hard time talking to people due to lack of experience but I'm an excellent public speaker so I'm not exactly socially inept, if I really want to talk to someone I can. Recently (actually in december of 2015) I met this girl that I fell in love with, with every fibre of my being but you guessed it - she wasn't in my country. This time though I decided to tell my family about it and I felt like I grew in such a ridiculously fast way because I felt the need to meet up with this girl. So this January I went to meet up with her and... Wow it was amazing! I wasn't in any rush to get with a girl or lose my virginity or whatever, I was simply looking for someone that could show as much love and care as me. I also had a little PIED I suppose but I was nervous as hell anyway and I wasn't planning on having sex in the first date, it definitely opened my eyes though.

Anyway, everything went fine while I was there but I had to force myself to visit her, I had put a lot of effort into the relationship but I guess it wasn't enough, I'd start fights for no reason, I was hateful torwards a lot of things and very judgemental, she drank at a couple parties while we were dating and I'm sure you can figure out my reactions. Oh yeah and at this point I bought and shipped a laptop to her because hers broke down, a laptop in the mail ha! I do blame myself for being on both ends of the love spectrum, I could love her as if there was no tomorrow but I could also get really angry and upset with things she'd do, my mood swings vary but I don't blame them solely on me, my life isn't exactly easy and I have to deal with a lot on a daily basis.

So we broke up last month and we've been going back and forth in a vicious cycle of getting angry or upset at each other and we hardly talk now, I think she's into some other guy. This is really difficult for me because I'm sure some of you have thought to yourselves "yeah this girl is the one", and technically she was my first real love. I changed for her but not in a bad way, she made me want to become better, I looked up to her and she was my inspiration, even if she drank or not I had learned to accept that fact and I now see that people in general shouldn't be generalised, which is something I had always done, I mean look at this: you can go online and ask for help and 9/10 times people who show up are actually trying to help you even not knowing you personally!

I didn't have much faith in humanity before I met her, and she made me love animals also and made me take notice that I had a lot of flaws I could fix. So in the end I think I drained her of her energies with my rants and emotional outbursts, she wasn't the greatest girlfriend in the world but she was MY girlfriend and I loved her, I took too long to fix what I was doing wrong and perhaps if I hadn't, I'd be seeing her again this summer.

Sometime during the relationship HOCD hit me and I also noticed I had a PMO addiction, since then I've been trying really hard to become better, I went on a 30 day streak the very first time I tried but eventually I started getting more and more fatigued from all the things I decided to do to become better (exercising, eating better, doing yoga, reducing computer time, cold showers, reading books, sleeping better).

So today I'm sitting here wondering what to do, my nofap streaks have gone to shit, can't last more than 10 days now (difficult as hell too), I can't really count on my parents to stop drinking and being better people overall (been trying for years), I don't have many friends and I don't go out still, I've lost the girl that was partially my inspiration to be better, I've stopped exercising and everything else that I was doing. I've been trying to develop a phone app or a videogame for ages but to no avail, I can hardly start a project, I wish I could start my own "business" in a comfortable, relaxed way so that I could take on the real issues of the outside world with a little more confidence instead of feeling forced to work bad jobs or talk to people I'm not fond of. I'm also scared of losing the sight of becoming better and falling back into my old, angry, hateful and judgemental self. How can I do all of these things at once? I'm always stuck inside my own head overthinking everything and it pushes people I care about away, when I'm single and lonely I often think I don't have much to live for and everything that used to give me joy makes me feel like I'm wasting my time. I'm hyper aware of everything around me as of right now, I've thought about everything and every possible imaginable scenario/outcome to my situation, there's so much in my head that I can't even begin to comprehend what I'm even doing or what I'm looking for, I'm confused as hell. Not to mention that doing "healthy" things often increased my urges to M, giving up P was "easy" but I'm not sleeping on it. Anyway guys that's all, to whoever reads the whole thing, I appreciate it, if you want to give your 2 cents go right ahead, I could really use some advice.

 

Thanks for reading, definitely not the advice I was expecting, those are some wise words indeed. I agree wholeheartedly with the last sentence, I see a lot of people that are talented and have immediate goals in their lives and here I am doing nothing. I've always thought that bonding with a girl would ease off most of my problems and therefore "motivate" me to work for my goals but I guess all it did was make me cling onto her own world.