Striving for sobriety alone has not worked, need support

The past few days has been a struggle. I turned 50 recently and had been sober for 3 to 4 months until early March, becoming ensnared by porn again. I have relapsed several times since then, this month it has been about 3 or 4 times so far.

Last week, I came close to hooking up with an escort and was glad she ended up not being too encouraging when I texted her. I told myself I won't do this. I don't need this feeling of regret. My wife deserves better. Last night I looked her up again but took the less drastic course of choosing PMO over hiring an escort or getting VR goggles. I went down the VR path last year and it's not a rabbit hole I care to get lost into again. It took me months to muster the will part with those goggles. Hiding it from my wife and kids and then the awkward process of selling it another person, who I prayed would not use it for the same reason I did. And there's the cost of it.

I joined NoFap back in 2017, relapsed after awhile, then forgot about it, going my own way, finding myself back here again now. After touching my first playboy magazine at B. Dalton bookseller back in 1982 to watching porn less than two hours ago, I acknowledge fully that managing this on my own has not worked and will not work for me. I recently tried to get in touch with a therapist, but won't do tele-health since this is the only option at this time where I live - I don't want family members here overhearing the nature of my struggles. Hopefully in-person visits will be an option with my therapist soon.

I would like to have an AP and maybe join one of the live support groups soon. Denial has been a tricky beast, always suggesting to me over the decades that my problem wasn't serious enough to get outside help, or at least sticking with it. I need to stick with it going forward, making this a permanent lifestyle choice and do everything possible to stay in the maintenance phase of recovery. And I want to help others overcome their demons too.

 

I remember being under stress, maybe a bit tired and overworked. I let my guard down. I'm learning to recognize the high-risk situations and triggers. I need to learn to be systematic about it, like setting a bedtime schedule to make sure I get enough rest, exercise regularly, etc.