Struggling but motivated

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by RN521, Feb 13, 2020.

  1. RN521

    RN521 New Fapstronaut

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    This is my first time actually posting in nofap. I have tried NoFap a couple of times but have never reached the 90 day mark. A couple years ago I got to day 60 and then relapsed. I kept using PMO for a while and just recently was able to get to day 44 before relapse. Right now I am on day 4 and I am hoping to get further and further on this journey to stop PMOing. Here is a bit more about my story:

    I am 26 years old, and I have a good job and I am going back for my doctorate soon. I remember first seeing porn growing up when a pop up came up on my computer while I was in middle school. I was a skinny nerdy dude who grew up with a single mom, so I didn't have a lot of male influence in my life. In the locker room, I remembered hearing dudes talk about chat sites, and like a typical middle schooler, I felt like I had to check it out. I remember looking for the chat site and then found myself looking at porn for hours. I started masturbating soon after and became ever more curious. I never truly dated people in middle or high school. I would crush on them but we would never really become official. I think a lot of that was that I was discovering sex through porn. Because I was skinny and not as "masculine" as other kids, I got called gay a lot, even by my close friends. I think that eventually told my brain that I should be just that. So I started pushing boundaries with my porn and started exploring gay porn and gay chat. I have always felt so much shame for this. Nothing against those who are gay, it just feels like I do it because it is taboo for me. With gay porn, it is all about getting off and lust, with no emotional connection. I have always had a hard time connecting with men because of my family situation, and I think gay porn/chat provided my brain with a false sense of male connection. When I watch straight porn or go on dates with women, it is all about an emotional connection. I have been struggling with gay and straight porn ever since. It has effected my relationships, my confidence and has given me social anxiety. I am motivated to continue in my journey to stop pornography forever. I am hoping to find out more about my sexuality. I have a deep feeling and desire to be with women, but I feel like my brain is all jacked up to take things to the next level in a relationship with all the gay porn. I am technically still a virgin, which I am proud of, but part of me thinks that I could be happily married at this point had porn not taken over parts of my life. Does anyone else have a similar struggle/story?

    I hope to take each day at a time. The last streak of 44 days felt great, and I have been working out a lot and getting a lot of compliments on my new body, so I hope to continue to be motivated and fight past the urges to day 90+. Thanks for reading and listening. We got this.
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2020
  2. Kligor

    Kligor Fapstronaut

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    Hi buddy welcome to forum!
    Congrats for your decision to leave PMO keep going buddy!
     
    Coffee Candy likes this.

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