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Struggling to make a decision... marry him or don't?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by BruisedAndScarred, May 19, 2017.

  1. BruisedAndScarred

    BruisedAndScarred New Fapstronaut

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    So, this is my first post after months and months of reading posts on here. I finally made an account... and here it goes:

    My fiance and I have been together for a little over 2 years now. I have known about his PMO addiction since pretty early on in our relationship (maybe around the 3 month mark.) I would find porn on his phone, computer, even in his PS3 browser. We would then get into arguments about it and then he would tell me that he stopped, but he really did not. I would ask him if he had masturbated and he would lie, delete his history, whatever he could do to hide it. Our sex life decreased a couple months after I found out about his addiction. He wouldn't be able to stay hard during sexual activity with me so of course my first instinct was that it was me... he wasn't attracted to me anymore. We moved in together after 6 months, things seemed fine in between these arguments about porn. We would argue about it and then make up, blah blah. He then started to cover up his tracks even better, so I believed him when he told me he stopped for good, but our sex life was still terrible. He made me believe that he had a legit problem with his dick. That he had a pain in his groin and he didn't know what to do. It was apparently preventing him from staying erect during sex. I believed it all- of course I felt bad about it. Then there was a point where he was taking some pills that make your dick harder & for longer. I hated it... I hated that I had to rely on him taking some pills for me to have sex with my man. Then one day the real truth came out. He was still masturbating to porn on a daily basis. THAT was why he couldn't stay hard, because he already got off earlier that morning or whenever. I was so dumb to believe all of the lies, I eventually realized he was only making excuses to cover up his actions.

    Once we moved things got even worse. We got into an argument, he told me what he did, then he broke his smartphone with a damn hammer. He started going to church and found his faith. I really believed him this time. He made a promise to God to never lustfully look at another woman again. Well, he broke his promise a couple weeks later. When we would talk about his addiction he confessed how he masturbates to get away from reality. He confessed that on his days off he would pretend to be asleep but once I left for work he would make sure I left & watch my car leave through the window and then watch porn & masturbate. Time and time again I have been so hurt from his lies. I have been so hurt from him looking at these other women through the screen. I constantly feel like I am not good enough in every possible way. Our sex life eventually got better... because his PMO'ing slowed down. He could get hard and stay hard during sex. Then he stopped PMO'ing for a few months, things were AMAZING... but then he relapsed.

    Now we are at the 2 year mark. He is now masturbating in the shower while I am in the other room still sleeping. He is doing it whenever he can- whenever I am not around. He has let this addiction grow to the point it makes him late for work. He is so selfish with doing this... he doesn't realize how it affects me. Maybe he does, I don't know. It seems now that he would just rather PMO than have sex with me in general. He doesn't realize that the part that really bothers me is that he would rather watch these women and think about them lustfully than have sex with me. I have never denied him sex, I think I am pretty good at it to be honest. I told him whenever he has an urge to masturbate to just wake me up, or just tell me and I will take care of it for him. Apparently that just isn't good enough.

    The last straw for me was this past weekend. I woke up from a deep sleep about 2 minutes before he walked through the door. I thought to myself "maybe I should get up to let him know that I am awake so he doesn't do anything in the shower"... I told myself no and went back to sleep. That was Saturday night... I found on Wednesday when he came home and started talking about his meeting. He now goes to sex anonymous meetings- he has been to 3 now. He confessed to me the night I woke up was the last time he masturbated. I freaked out, punched the door and realized that there was a REASON I woke up that night... that I could have stopped it but I didn't. Something inside me told me to wake up... this whole thing is just freaking me out.

    Anyways, the entire kicker is we are supposed to be getting married in a week. I honestly do not know if I am ready to go through with this. I don't know if I can handle anymore hurt and lies in my life. I want to build a family with this man, live the rest of my life with him but how can I ever truly be happy with him if he is still PMO'ing all the time? To put it simply I am just a woman who wants to feel loved and wanted by her man... but he has his attention directed to woman on a screen instead. At this point I am so hurt and so broken from all of this... I literally feel like I am losing my mind. I lost myself inside his struggle. I want him to stop so that we can have a real shot at this. I just don't know what to do... or where to turn. I want to believe that he will change his ways. I want to believe that these meetings will help. Should I put off the marriage until he stops completely?

    I had to vent because I can't talk to ANYONE about this problem.
    I'm sorry for the book, but if you made it this far... you're amazing.
    Also- sorry its all over the place... that's how my brain has been with all of this.
     
  2. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Well, we can't tell you outright to marry him or not but I think we can bring out some issues that might help you make that decision for yourself.

    1. Remember, you cannot have a healthy relationship with an active addict. The addiction is number one in his life and you are a distant second. He will keep turning to his addiction for comfort instead of other sources.

    2. You cannot trust an active addict. The promises and plans of an addict are worthless. Addicts will minimize, justify, excuse, gaslight, and lie in order to protect their addiction. Your needs and desires will never be a priority.

    3. Addiction never goes away on it's own or stays the same... it always gets worse. If you can barely tolerate your situation now then imagine how you will feel a few months or years from now and the problem is much worse. Will you feel trapped or actually be in a situation where you will be unable to leave? Imagine how complicated things will become if you have children.

    4. There has been a running thread asking if the wives on this site would marry their husbands if they knew the full extent of their problems and the answer is commonly NO. Why would you willingly enter a marriage with unresolved baggage? Are you prepared to accept that your marriage will never be as good as you have dreamed it would be?

    5. Addicts need a rock-bottom moment to seek out real change. There will be less incentive for him to change once you marry him. You lose all leverage to get him to change. Addicts will use up every square inch of patience, tolerance, mercy, and love you give him and you will get zero in return. The only leverage you will have left is to leave him, get separated, or threaten divorce.

    6. Your honeymoon and early married life should be some of the happiest times of your life. Do you want to have nagging doubts and regrets plague your thoughts? Will you regret your decision to go forward with the wedding?

    7. Do not allow the financial consequences of postponing or canceling the wedding influence your decision. Better to lose money than to lose your freedom, sanity, and peace of mind.

    8. Do not hold onto the fading memories of his good qualities. Addiction robs the best parts of a person and slowly they turn into a different person. As time goes on the addict personality will rise to the surface and the good personality will be swallowed up and never seen from again. The crumbs that an addict gives their SO is not enough to sustain them. Slowly they become emotionally starved.

    I suspect you already know what your answer should be. Think long and hard about the pros and cons of going forward when you have so many doubts. Canceling/postponing the wedding might create a whole host of other problems but they will pale in comparison to being married to an active addict.
     
  3. Cax

    Cax Fapstronaut

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    I wouldn't get married until he's straightened his life out. He sounds like he's got serious issues and a lot of work to do. Believe me, I would know. I was him.

    He plays secrecy games, lies, worries you about serious matters like health issues and being in pain to get you off the trail of his pmo habits, continually breaks promises, makes you feel awful about yourself. Where's the husband material in all that?

    First, I don't see anything but bad coming from this. You're contemplating hooking your life to a trainwreck. Second, divorce is expensive and messy.

    He needs to square his life away before marriage, before children. And you need to have the self worth to expect that. Have the self value to demand quality people in your life. Right now, there's nothing quality about him.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  4. Like @i_wanna_get_better1 said above, we can't tell you if you should marry him or not. However, as the wife of a PMO addict for over 21 years, I would say to postpone the wedding until he shows reals signs of improvement and is not only fully committed to beating this addiction but is well on his way, too. Before we were married, I believed all the promises my husband made about wanting to quit and not wanting to hurt me anymore, but it was all B.S. just to get me to marry him. Here we are over 20 years later, and I am still fighting to rid our life of the evil monster that's caused so much pain and destruction to him, to me, and to our marriage. Again, as stated above, until your bf takes this seriously and completely changes his way of thinking when it comes to the issue, it will only continue to get worse...and worse...and worse. And, if you're already married, there is less incentive for him to straighten up his life and take control back from the addict.

    The longer the addict is in control, the farther away his old 'self' becomes. In the beginning, when I would learn of new PMO incidents with my husband, he would acknowledge that his actions were inappropriate, selfish, and hurtful, and he would seem sincere about wanting to stop. As time has passed, though, he has gradually acknowledged those things less and less until he's actually convinced himself that there really isn't anything wrong with his PMO choices, and the one with the problem is actually me simply because I don't like it. His 'addict' side is completely in control now, and I rarely see a glimpse of the man I once knew.

    Please think this through. If he loves you and is truly committed to overcoming his addiction, he should understand why you might need to see real progress before you commit to marriage. I hope you are able to work through this together and have the life and family you're wanting eventually. Just keep in mind that it will be a bumpy ride along the way, but it will be worth it in the end as long as you are both in the fight together. Take care.
     
  5. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I'm also engaged to a PMO addict who has been clean for 60 days, he also had PIED and I found out about three months in. He agreed to stop to try and fix our sex life but kept doing it and lied to me. He too looked for every reason for his problems in bed to be physical but all the tests came up negative. I finally caught him, lost my mind and something at that point clicked and he finally stopped. Our sex life has gotten so much better! But I told myself if he slips up again I am leaving. Truth is I don't want to deal with bad sex, lies and an addict of any kind. I'm not married and I can get out now. After reading the stories of women married to addicts on here there is no way I want that for my life. So I figure if he can nip this early it's not that bad and/or he's hit the bottom he needs. But if he slips up again then it's not so easy and I suspect it will continue. I also am more vigilant about asking not just assuming he's not and checking in. For you at this point we can't tell if your fiancé has hit rock bottom. It appears he's promised to stop many times and not and lied to you. Marriage brings on a lot more stress and for addicts most of whom lack proper coping mechanisms it drives them to the addiction even more. Marriage won't fix him. I think you need to seriously consider postponing the wedding. You deserve more than this. Best wishes.
     
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.
  6. Runtilmylegsdropoff

    Runtilmylegsdropoff Fapstronaut

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    Marriage is already tough enough without addiction problems. You know what the rational answer is. You're talking about the rest of your life, I don't think I need to tell you the obvious answer, but as Oliver Wendell Holmes said, "we all need an education in the obvious". Don't marry this person!
     
    GG2002 likes this.
  7. Elle kay

    Elle kay Fapstronaut

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    Love is a choice you have to choose to love this person knowing they may have this problem. If it were me I would have chosen not to. But I'm married with two kids now. My husband claims to be changing I guess I will find out in time but as of now this has really hurt my trust and faith in him. It has also affected his moods and how helpful he is with our children.
     
  8. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I think you make a great point. You had no idea when you got married what you were dealing with so not fair and different than knowing. I think when choosing to marry one needs to accept their partner for who they are at that moment not expecting them to change. If your partner is hiding something you can't but here I think the writer must assume he won't change and be a full blown addict and ask can she accept that?
     
  9. Jim_

    Jim_ Fapstronaut

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    You should postpone the wedding and sit down and talk a lot more about this together. That will be a wake up call for him. People here recommend the reboot process that I am trying myself now, he should try it as well but he needs to be honest with himself and you. I hope it works out. I am married myself.
     
    GG2002 likes this.
  10. I learned if you have to question yourself if you should marry someone... you probably should not! Getting married doesn't fix any of the preexisting issues it just further complicates an already bad situation. Until your heart and mind are 100% at peace with marrying someone you should hold off.
     

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