Struggling to trust again

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Healmyheart, Jul 7, 2018.

  1. Healmyheart

    Healmyheart Fapstronaut

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    Hi, I have recently discovered, my partner of 2 and a half years has a porn addiction. I knew for a few months before it got too much and I confronted him. He tried to gaslight me and play it right down until I pushed and pushed and told him how much I knew. I knew things weren't right from the start but couldn't put my finger on it as I've never came across anything like this before. I just never really felt like i truly knew him, I was always kept at arms length. He's had ED right from the start, and I thought with time that would change, we started to use erection pills that worked sometimes. He wasn't that interested in sex (which I thought strange for a new relationship) but we got on well and wanted the same things from life. Just a deeper connection was always missing. He would say all the right things but actions seemed to be different. For the first year it was a long distance relationship as he worked away, we spoke every night and saw each other for a week or so out of every 3 or if he had leave longer. I have now moved in with him and relocated. I now work for the same company as him in a different department, I do some night shifts, sex didn't change, there still wasn't a great deal of interest. Late last year I discovered he had looked up porn while I was on night shift. I confronted him and he said he was just mucking around. There was heaps for 1 nights mucking around but he came home from work that day and smashed his iPad with a hammer. I thought that was over reaction for something that was once off.I said he could still do it on his phone and he told me he wouldn't do that because they can get into your bank account, silly me believed him. About 3 months later he left his phone unlocked and I checked the history there was heaps days and days, hours and hours . I didn't tell him what I'd seen but confronted him about our sex life, once again he lied. So I started pushing for a lot more sex thinking this would stop him. I threw out all my underwear and only wore really sexy stuff. I still got no reaction or felt like I was noticed. I'm not a big person (58kg) but started dieting and working out to have the perfect toned body , I got botox and an array of other facials on a quest for perfect skin. I wore my hair up differently so I would look younger like the girls he seems to go for. I drove myself crazy every day and started drinking just to sleep at night or day depending on my shift. Until I realized I couldn't live like this any longer so confronted him and finally drew out a confession like extracting a wisdom tooth. I still wonder whether he is truly sorry or just sorry he got caught out. That was a little over 6 weeks ago he said he would be open with me and he was a bit to start. He says he's stopped and won't do it again, he also doesn't talk about it anymore because he wants to forget and not bring it up all the time so he says. I'm really really struggling to believe him and trust him. I'm still very hurt and keep going over things in my head. I'm just not sure I can believe him and trust him. I'm hoping it will come soon as I stress every time I have to do night shift and he is at home alone.
     
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2018
  2. Septimus

    Septimus Fapstronaut

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    Welcome! I'm glad you're here.

    Let me say a few things.

    - You are pretty smart and perceptive, don't let him gaslight you. That's what addicts do.

    - This really is an addiction; a very powerful one.

    - This isn't about how pretty or responsive you are. It's not about you. It's about him.

    - You should know that only if he truly wants to overcome this, will that happen. You can't do it for him. He has to want it, and want it pretty badly. Without that, change is impossible.

    - Even if he does truly want it, it will be hard. Not out of reach, but it is hard. A lot of guys think, oh it's just a trick or two, or some self-control. No, it's more than that. There is a whole re-learning involved. For a lot of people, they need counseling.

    - This site can help. It's helped me and others a lot. But what I'm coming to think is that what makes this site work is that people are also doing other things that help, besides coming to this site. This is a starting point, and also a way to stay accountable.

    - Your boyfriend needs to decide what he wants, and how much he wants it.

    I don't know what you should do; I can't decide that.

    Does this help? There are others on this site like you. You aren't alone. I hope you keep coming back.
     
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  3. Healmyheart

    Healmyheart Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for your response, my greatest issue, apart from the problem its self, is that he doesn't really open up and talk about it. He says its because he doesn't want to be reminded of it and that he is stubborn and because of the embarrassment and shame he knows himself and won't do it again. He says hes not into counseling and talking to people. But because of everything I've read, I'm extremely sceptical it's over. When it first came out I sent him some youtube clips I found of others talking about their experiences and what it does to the dopamine levels and rebooting also of attachment styles dismissive avoidance. He said they were really helpful and a couple of things stuck in his head "if its not real, no deal" and " once the secret is out it loses its power " I asked him to explain what the second one meant for him so I could understand the power that had been lost but he couldn't or wouldn't explain it, said he didn't know. He has since told me he doesn't want or need me to keep sending anymore to him. He sometimes asks me how I'm going and out of fear of causing yet another argument I just say yeah ok. I want to keep the lines of communication open and have him come to me and say this is how I'm going/thinking/feeling whether it be good, bad or ugly. Just so that I can feel closer, connected and apart of his life and know him. I'm scared it's going back to me being shut out/shut down and kept at arms length again. I need to know the balance of getting on with life and not talking about it all the time or too much and making him feel bad but also not brushing it under the carpet.
     
  4. Septimus

    Septimus Fapstronaut

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    You might look around this site for some of the other women who have had partners involvec in porn to get their perspective, and also look beyond this site. You are definitely not alone. I think your i stincts are well tuned, don't be afraid to trust them.
     
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  5. goodnice

    goodnice Fapstronaut

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    Great advice man. It’s true. You have to want it with all of your heart and be comfortable with the though of NEVER watching P again.. if you aren’t, which Most people here aren’t, then you need more help, more education, change in mindset.
    And even when you want it so bad, unfortunately will power is not enough. But is great that you talk to bf about this, in fact you should tell him about this site and show him some of the stories people have. You would literally be saving his life and your relationship!!
     
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  6. Recovering PA

    Recovering PA Fapstronaut

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    Hi,

    I am a PA and if my post is not welcome and I will leave this conversation.

    Reading through your posts you seem a little lost and in the early stages of realisation. There are a few key things that helped my SO and I have listed them below, each is important but the first is vital if you are to continue having a relationship (also the hardest).

    1) Full disclosure of all PA and PA related behaviour - This is so that you are going forward with your eyes open and fully aware of what person you are dealing with.
    2) He needs to commit and demonstrate his recovery regularly - honest detailed discussions as far as you can tolerate.
    3) Ground rules going forward - are there behaviours that are unacceptable away from the PA that hurt the relationship.
    4) For all addicts irrespective of addiction it is a day/ moment at a time so he may discuss struggles and you may have to stop him if it goes too far.
    5) Trust - this will take a long time to regain and it cannot be done with words only actions.

    There are more things to consider but this is a good start. If your PA wants help in his recovery please point him to the book in my signature.

    All the best on your journey whichever direction it takes.
     
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  7. goodnice

    goodnice Fapstronaut

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    great advice dude
     
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  8. Healmyheart

    Healmyheart Fapstronaut

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    Hi, you are most welcome in this conversation. I am mostly scared that it's not all over like hes leading me to believe. I'm waiting for voluntarily honest conversation. I'm getting nothing and I know it's too soon for it to be all gone away, so I'm feeling like I've been left in the dark again even though things are going ok my anxiety levels are through the roof. I'm so scared I'm going to find out something and I'm not sure how much more I can take. I'd much perfer to be on the same level as far as honesty goes, that will build my trust no matter what he has to tell me at least I will know he is being straight with me. I'd rather that than to "find out" or get the bad initiative feelings I get.
     
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  9. Recovering PA

    Recovering PA Fapstronaut

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    Once you know everything you can start to process and recover alone or together but only confessing when found put takes you back to day 1 with a little less trust/ self confidence and hope for the future. I'm not going to lie, it's not a good night having to hear everything but it does help (said by my SO) struggles will follow but at least you will be starting out knowing everything you are letting yourself in for.
     
    Healmyheart likes this.
  10. tammygeorge

    tammygeorge Fapstronaut

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    It’s as if I have typed this with my own hands or you read my diary. To the T! Really word for word for word. Any changes? What are some signs to look for. I don’t have his passwords.
     

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