Struggling with HOCD/ false hope!

Hi all,

I won’t bore you with my story but it’d like to give you some solid background. Please try to be constructive I don’t want to hear ‘give it a go’ or ‘there’s nothing wrong with it’

As a child (3-5) I had already began fantasising about literally (rimming my female nursery teacher) and thoughts of sexual acts - I have no idea how or why?

Later during this time age 5-6 I remember me and some other kids used to touch each other’s genitals - nothing else. Not sure if this is normal however nothing else ever happened and we moved on, this happened maybe 5 or 6 times

Fast forward - my first girlfriend at 16 by which time I’d already started masturbating - we had lots of sex which I used to love, and from then on I’d have multiple female sexual partners, never once considered anything other than sleeping with women. It just did not occur to me that I would feel anything else.

Over the next few years I’d discovered porn and it was something that myself and my friends all used to watch - I never once thought it could be a bad thing to binge on porn (again always straight porn) I used to love how dirty and raw the porn was.

After years of increasingly more hardcore genres ( whilst still being with multiple female partners, id actually experienced a sort of ED or PIED during this period however I never gave it a thought really? This added lots of performance anxiety going forward in which I needed to feel really comfortable with the partner to have sex, however never stopped me lusting for female body and genitalia.

One day during porn I stumbled upon gay porn which immediately I new that this wasn’t something that my brain was accustomed to or felt comfortable with however I felt that it aroused me, anyway I did masturbate to this and never considered this to be anything. I would go back to straight porn and carry on as normal but then every now and again I’d have this craving that would literally give me a rush, after I’d finished watching it I would feel disgusted and even sometimes try to switch to female thoughts during.

This carried on for 4 years during which time I’d dated, kissed, fallen in love with and had some real hardcore good sex with women but then sometimes couldn’t perform.

September last year I googled “can’t feel aroused with girlfriend and someone commented - “maybe your gay” I’ve always suffered with some form of OCD or anxiety disorder so this literally kicked off a debilitating bout of HOCD that I’m still suffering with. I haven’t watched gay porn since April however have fapped, had sex and looked at female porn during this period (even though I have tried not to) what worries me is I keep thinking I can’t get hard to straight sex only gay porn but I do not find males appealing (yes I can recognise an attractive male however have never felt any attraction towards a real life male, when I think of anything else but a female relationship my brain switches off, it is literally not something I ever want to pursue)

Does anyone have any experience or advice that could support with what to do? I really miss having my sex drive geared towards women and not this pretentious gay porn that my brain is craving - is it possible whatever I have done .. I’ll never get my craving for women back?

 

Forgot to add I’m now 26 year old male.