Struggling with lying, masturbation after giving up porn

Hi everyone,
I'm new here so just figuring this out. History:
Age 13 until 32: Compulsive porn use, masturbation, lying, cheating (all prior to marriage)
August, 2020: Disclosure #1 - FPMO cold turkey, did NOT disclose cheating
Nov, 2020: Edging, FMO, no porn use
January, 2021: Disclosure #2 - DID disclose cheating
Jan-Aug, 2021: FPMO cold turkey
Aug, 2021: Began masturbating again, edging
Nov, 2021: Disclosure #3 - We had sex, she confronted me about masturbation because it took me longer than previous to orgasm. I lied, she goes to sleep, I wake her up later to tell about masturbation (going on for a while at this point). I had to tell her! It was eating me alive.

Obviously, my partner is pissed. We've put in a lot of work (weekly counseling, 12-week intimacy course, EFT, read a couple books). It's the lying that's hurting us the most! The masturbation is secondary in her mind. Trust is at 0%.

If anyone has any experience with practicing honesty, transparency, empathy, I'd love to hear your story and what, if anything, worked for you.

 

I think it's a great idea to journal on here - I'm going to do that just as soon as I can figure out how. I mentioned that as a possibility to my wife and she seemed neutral about it - I already journal on OneDrive and told her she could have access to that whenever but she's never asked for it. We're still pretty soon after the last disclosure so she's mostly feeling angry and betrayed at this point.

I've thought of a few more things that I'd going to do to create more of a routine for myself (set my alarm for 5 AM tomorrow) and set some goals for the day. One of the recommendations in the podcast I'm listening to is to write a mission statement for yourself and read it every morning. I'll let you know how that goes. One more day down.

 

Alright it's been a few days since I posted on this thread. Doing OK - I've had some ups and downs over the last week, but no PMO at least. I've been experiencing some anxiety and brain fog at work - just trying to power through that and hopefully it will improve gradually. I had a review with my boss yesterday that went better than expected - I don't know what I was expecting exactly. I think I just felt like I had let myself down in some way? Slacked off too much? Didn't get things done fast enough? I feel like I need to give myself some grace in my life - the stress that I'm adding to myself is not making recovery any easier. Did some meditation after my walk this morning. I've gotta say that waking up at 5 AM has helped me make time for my recovery. I hope to stick to that for a fairly long period of time, maybe the entire winter. The cold, crisp air really wakes your body up quickly as opposed to wandering around the house in a daze for 20 minutes.

The next major step for me is to get an accountability partner. I think this would solidify my routine, at least in the accountability category. I want that person to check that I'm still making time for my recovery every day, that I'm prioritizing it above all other things, and that I'm acknowledging and communicating my emotions. There are a lot of smaller goals baked into those things, but those are the pillars I think.

If you've read this far, I hope you have a great day and do one thing to support your recovery or the recovery of someone close to you.