Struggling

Hi. I've been debating whether to post a thread or not. I guess I may as well just let it out. I've been dealing with this addiction for a long time. I don't remember when I started watching porn on a regular basis, but my guess would be somewhere around the age of 13 or 14. I'm turning 29 in less than three months. That's a long time. I've been a 'daily user' as well. Unfortunately PMOing multiple times in a day is nothing out of the ordinary for me. I nearly had three days clean, and then I PMOed 4 times throughout the day today. Granted I typically don't do 4 times in a day, but still. That's ridiculous.

I'm having a hard time. I've always had a hard time with this. I know for me anxiety is one of the major triggers. I have bad anxiety problems. I suffer from OCD, too. Recently I tried some different medications to try and help, but the problem with a lot of anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medications is that they can cause urinary retention, thus causing frequent urination. I already deal with frequent urination issues anyways, which have definitely affected my life in a lot of ways over the years. So every time I tried one of these medications recently I had to stop because they made things even worse than they already are. I believe that my urination issues would improve if I could get some actual time clean from this addiction. The problem is, I can never go more than a few days. And even then, I've read some cases on here where people report MORE frequent urination after stopping. And I can understand why that might be, since the prostate is getting filled up.

I'm at a point where I really don't know what to do. I've only gone over 7 days clean once since my addiction started, and I believe that was around 2014 (I think I got like 11 days or somewhere right around that). Most of the time it's hard for me to get even one day, though I have had some 4-5 day streaks in the past year. But once I get to that point the urges are really tough to combat and I end up relapsing.

I am already an extremely active person. I hike every single day, and even if I don't hike I'll run and go for a walk as well. I had a day last week where I did push-ups, hiked, ran, and took a walk all in the same day. I know that I'm at least covering the 'exercise' recommendation.

I know for me combating anxiety and depression (mainly anxiety) is the key. I know I could do more meditation. That is something I'm trying to work on. But, I really need something that can give me a boost now. I feel like any changes that come from meditation are going to take some time before they set in.

Therapy is something I'd 'love' to do, but I can't afford it right now. My insurance won't even help with any costs until I meet my deductible, which is thousands of dollars. Until then, I'd have to pay the entirety of costs. I'm trying to move out of my mom's house, so saving up money is very important right now.

I'm just getting really tired of this. My life has not been the life I had hoped for in any way. I am extremely lonely. I feel like at this point a 'normal' life is going to be very difficult to achieve. And when I say normal, I mean not having to spend every day of my life alone (besides the fact that I live at home with my mother). I'm so tired of being alone, but I also know that no woman is going to want to be with a man who can't even physically satisfy them (PIED) and lacks experience with intimacy.

If anyone has any suggestions, I'd really love to hear them. Thanks for reading.

 

Thanks for the response, @Wolfgirl . I really appreciate everything you said and the encouragement.

Getting an accountability partner has been something I've looked into in the past, and I really just need to do it. I think I will make that effort this weekend. As for SAA meetings, I have actually gone to some this year. I stopped going, but maybe once this pandemic stuff cools down I may try and attend more again.

In regards to what you said about getting help from a trusted family member, I've actually thought about possibly talking to my brother about this. Idk if that would be a good idea or not. I know I can trust him, but this is also something that's pretty personal and idk if I want anyone in my family knowing. So I've been thinking about this, but am still undecided.

As for device restricting programs, do you have any recommendations? I've thought about doing this and did a little research but don't really know what the best program(s) might be.

 

Thanks, @Ogikubo . I appreciate what you said. I agree that my sense of loneliness is paramount. Part of the reason I am so lonely is that I have avoided doing more social things as a result of my health issues. It's not that I don't have any friends (I have a couple), but I know that things would be different if not for the health stuff mentioned above. I am working on that, and I am trying to not let it completely affect me. But it's not easy.

 

Absolutely. I agree that being alone less often for me would be a good thing. I might be hanging with one of my friends today, and possibly with another friend tomorrow. So at least that is something.

I also decided to put some effort into dating again. I know that I'm not at my best right now, but I really do feel in some ways that if I don't try and I just keep waiting for the future that I may never get there. I really want to meet someone, and if it is a good match then they may be willing to wait on some things. I'll see how I feel about continuing with that and just take it day by day.

 

Thanks for the message. The fact that you got to 15 days is a very good achievement, even if it isn't your end goal. We are definitely going to overcome this. I have faith in you, my friend.