Stuck in 1-14 day purgatory for over a year now. Attempt at 30 day streak

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Deleted Account, Nov 10, 2021.

  1. As the title said I've been stuck in getting streaks between 1-14 days for a long time now. I was planning on doing a long streak during November, but obviously I failed.
    I feel like I have all the tools and learning experience available to me for me to go a long streak. I have written my thoughts some time ago about my relapses and I have went through great revelations.
    So I will try to do a streak until the 10th of December. Obviously I want to do a little longer then (hopefully forever!) that but I want to set a goal I could see the end of.

    Now this will be hard because I'm making very recent changes in my life and closing a chapter of it and starting a new one. It will and is right now very tempting to relapse (relapsed about an hour ago).
    I am very suicidal these days, setting up a noose many times these past months and hanging on it until I almost black out. But I am finally reaching the end of a long and miserable journey, so maybe I'll hold out. I want to live, but I don't want to bear the responsibilities of life. I have missed out on many things and I am very bitter. I am like a child!
    So because of my suicidality I have more of a reason to fight it, almost like I'm fighting for my life. I will try to at least pray during these days (haven't in a long time), it'll be very hard.
    Ill also try to cut out electronic use. I already completely stopped using a forum I was heavily browsing (impulsively). I basically never use my computer.
    Really I'll need to try hard every day to resist it, also trying to be responsible. It will be exhaustive.
  2. i am stuck at max 20 days for almost a year now too its just so godam hard :p
    HolyTheotokos likes this.
  3. slothman2021 likes this.
  4. FirefromAbove

    FirefromAbove Fapstronaut

    HolyTheotokos likes this.
  5. slothman2021

    slothman2021 New Fapstronaut

    HolyTheotokos likes this.
  6. Welcome!
  7. PatrickBasedman

    PatrickBasedman Fapstronaut

    22 days is the furthest I've gotten, so what I'm about to say is second hand info. But I have heard a lot of people say the first 3 weeks is really tough and then it gets a bit easier. Idk how true that is though - I'm on day 22/23 now and am having really strong urges!
    HolyTheotokos likes this.
  8. Among Us!

    Among Us! Fapstronaut

    I was stuck in 1 - 7 for 3 years, then 1 - 4, then 1 - 3, now 1 - 2. Only got worse not being here, It's impossible to say that the addiction did not affect me, because it did.

    Freedom and peace for you.
    HolyTheotokos likes this.
  9. FirefromAbove

    FirefromAbove Fapstronaut

    Day zero.

    I'll join with ya in trying to reach Dec 10.
    Among Us! and HolyTheotokos like this.
  10. learning

    learning Fapstronaut

    The noose sounds like a bad thing to be doing. Probably the worries are driving the depression and also the urge to PMO. Scopolamine works well for me sometimes. I can take a little and the depression/anxiety completely vanishes in 10 minutes many times. The relief lasts at least a couple of hours, and then I usually am not severely depressed again for 24 hours.

    Ketamine acts very similarly to scopolamine.

    Sometimes I can get some mild relief from eating a few squares of 100% dark chocolate. Also there is CBD and l-theanine.

    I read an article about zinc as an antidepressant. Tricyclic antidepressants also might work better than the modern antidepressants. There is another one I read about called Brintellix/Trintellix/vortioxetine.

    Just random ideas. I don't know if you have a relationship with a psychiatrist or doctor who is willing to prescribe things for you to try. I don't, but hopefully maybe you might?

    Try not to fantasize about suicide. To be honest, I think wistfully about suicide at least every other day, but I don't think it is good to fantasize - especially using a noose like you mention.

    If you can fix your brain chemistry with some medicine then your problems will not seem to big. It's all chemicals in my opinion. Yes, we have problems and traumas and things, but mostly it is chemicals.
  11. AModernMiroku

    AModernMiroku Fapstronaut



    I am sorry to hear about your troubles, but I am glad to hear about your resolve! I will help as I might.

    My simple advice is to get a lot of in-real-life accountability for the diverse difficulties that you have shared. Please, you must let trusted people know about some of these things. A lot of the difficulties are beyond my expertise.

    I have been severely depressed in the past, & I have even considered suicide in the lightest degrees possible (mainly in my early youth)--but these experiences do not merit much in the ways of expertise. I do not know your specific situations, & even if I did, I would still be cautious to advise.

    As such, I recommend letting trusted family & friends know about the depression & suicidal thoughts (you need not say everything if you are uncomfortable--little steps are okay). I would advise sharing with a doctor/specialist, especially if you do not yet have one/several.

    As for PMO difficulties, you have the forum; no-matter the failings, I would advise making great use of this place. Every step counts. Use the tools that you have. Perhaps even find an accountability partner here (their usefulness varies...but sometimes one strikes gold, as they say). The best supports, obviously, are also in real life. And so, I would again try to find a friend that can share this burden with you. Depending on the severity of the situation, anonymous addiction groups are useful. I have been to an anonymous group in real life & found it fruitful. I have heard the very same from some of my close friends.

    Given that you are a man of faith, I would also try to add prayers to your routine. (For that matter, I would make a schedule that challenges you enough but does not make for an impossibility; prayer, of course, would be on this list.) If your priest is unable to help you with your physical, emotional, & mental needs (& some have a good capacity for this), he should at least be able to help you with your spiritual needs.

    Also: It is true. The start of this journey is the hardest. I would have to really think about the matter...but things might only cool down after around days 30-40. Not only is this a generalization, but it also does not account for random urges &c.

    If you have any questions or need further assistance, message me at your convenience. I will try to answer as I might.

    God bless,
    A Modern Miroku


    I meant to add that the task ahead will be very hard. Make no mistake about this...I do not want to give the wrong impression. Know thy enemy. Or as Sun Tzu writes in The Art of War:

    “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2021
    Among Us! and HolyTheotokos like this.
  12. Yujirō Hanma

    Yujirō Hanma Fapstronaut

    Same problem here, in mine case its 3 days only
    Among Us! and HolyTheotokos like this.
  13. kumarach

    kumarach Fapstronaut

    very relatable
    HolyTheotokos and Among Us! like this.
  14. fredisthebes

    fredisthebes Fapstronaut

    Yeah, don't muck about with a noose mate, flipping heck. When you are in a clear state of mind (i.e. now), take your rope or whatever and throw that shit out. Anything you can take, swallow, tie around your neck etc. get it out of the house. Don't hang about train stations, clifftops etc. You are not in control of your urges right now, so make it difficult for yourself. Give yourself a chance to have second thoughts.

    Same with porn, set up barriers, unplug your phone at night and put it in a different room when you sleep, don't use the internet when you are tired or drunk. Put barriers between yourself and the self destructive urges that you have, make it hard for yourself. Make doing the right thing the easier option.
    scuttles, HolyTheotokos and Among Us! like this.
  15. I appreciate the advice. I'll stop doing that. I'm fairly clear-headed though, I don't have psychosis or mental breaks.

    As for barriers between me and porn... That'd be a great idea. Problem is on mobile I don't know any apps which can do that. I can block an entire app from being opened like Chrome for a certain amount of time but you never know when you're going to need it. I don't know stuff that blocks specific sites. And nothing stops me from just using Google Images.
    Among Us! likes this.
  16. Hey! You're good? Stay strong
    Among Us! likes this.
  17. PatrickBasedman

    PatrickBasedman Fapstronaut

    I'm fine now, thanks for asking.
    Among Us! and HolyTheotokos like this.
  18. AED

    AED Fapstronaut

    BREATHE.....slowly and fully!
    Don't watch the fucking day counter, it means nothing, just the here and is moment to moment.
    The future and past are nothing but illusion.
    Divide large goals into small goals, plan for 24 hour periods of sobriety. Actively direct your mind.
    Among Us! and HolyTheotokos like this.

Share This Page