Suicidal...Am I gay in denial?

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Deleted Account, Nov 16, 2019.

  1. Hello, my name is Trey and I’m 18, im in college and I’ve been a porn addict since 9-10.

    So I’m confused as hell, I really am starting to think I’m gay, but it’s impossible.

    The ultimate reality is if I were attracted to men, then I would have to be bi, because I can’t deny the way I’ve felt about girls my entire life.

    I do suffer from OCD, and I know I’m suffering from HOCD, and this isn’t my first time going through it. I went through it almost 2 years ago but I saw a therapist and she helped me and I eventually beat it and I became happy again. But 4 months ago it started again, I was sitting in a car with my friend and I got this thought that I would enjoy sucking his dick, and for some reason I didn’t have a reaction of disgust to the thought, so I thought about it again, and I wasn’t having the reaction I wanted, I was definitely disgusted by it, but it was like my reaction was not enough or I was doubting my disgust.

    Now for the past 4 months my HOCD has returned and stronger then ever. It is destroying me and my very will, I can’t focus in school anymore and I lost all interest in being successful. When I was clear of this ocd I was grinding everyday because I have a crazy work ethic, but with this ocd I just wanna drive a car of a cliff.

    I spend almost the entirety of my day doing compulsions, and I know I am not supposed to do compulsions, but I swear to god, when I get intrusive thoughts they feel so damn real, even though I never feel any arousal, it’s like my brain is telling me I want it. Then I do a compulsion where I prove to myself that I’m not into men.

    I’ve probably literally checked gay porn over 100 times in the last 4 months because my brain keeps telling me I would like it, which I never do. I find gay porn to be disgusting and I feel absolutely no arousal at all to it. When I watch gay porn I always look away, especially when they start to kiss or do other sexual acts, and I start getting mad because I’m forcing myself to watch it. When I watch normal porn I get aroused and it seeing the women makes me want to PMO. Gay sex just doesn’t make sense to me and doesn’t appeal to me, I try to fantasize about being with guys but I can’t, it just doesn’t feel right. When I try to think of doing sexual things with a man I can never feel aroused or interested, but with girls I get aroused and interested.

    For example:

    I think of sucking some dudes penis, and I hate this thought. I do not feel arousal or interest.

    I think of a cute girl and I already know I would love for them to give me oral. No question there. Sometimes I feel arousal, sometimes I do not, but it’s obvious that I’m definitely interested.

    Sometimes when I’m at the gym, when I get intrusive thoughts I’m attracted to men, I go into the locker room to see if I would get aroused my naked men, which I never am. I stopped doing this because I don’t enjoy doing it, it causes a lot of anxiety and also it’s gross because when I see these dudes in the weight room, I know what they look like naked.

    When my HOCD gets bad, I just tell myself I don’t care if I’m gay or bisexual, I just want to be happy. This never works, it doesn’t feel right. I go out with the mindset that it’s okay to be with men and find them attractive, but I still have the thoughts and still find doing things with a guy to be repulsive.

    Also my HOCD is starting to make me believe that my entire life was a lie, that I was always suppressing my homosexual side since I was little. I can’t recall ever being sexually attracted to man and I know I have never had feelings for a man. On the other hand I can recall multiple times where I felt attracted to women and I have had crushes on girls since the 1st grade, I have had strong romantic feelings for probably over 10 different girls in my life. Also when we were younger (middle school) my friends would joke around being gay and pull out their dicks and I always thought it was gross and funny, never did I feel aroused by it or like seeing it. I had a friend who every time we were at the game would get naked in the locker room to fuck with us, and I never found it arousing or interested in seeing him naked, also this guy was my most good looking friend, he got most of the girls and I was definitely jealous of him for that.

    I was able to tell I liked girls when I was around the age of 4-5, I just knew, I would dream of girls, and I started masturbating by the age of 7-8 thinking of girls from class or my female teachers. I wouldn’t masturbate the normal way, I would dry hump my bed at that age.

    I always go on google images and look up “Most Attractive Men” and usually it comes up with a lot of famous actors or celebrity’s, all whom are good looking. Yeah, I can admit they are attractive, but I am NOT attracted to them, I find the attraction to be aesthetic, and when I try to imagine kissing them I find it repulsive. I search up images of naked men to see if I would be aroused but nothing happens. When I look at these naked images of men, I happen to find myself trying not to look at their penis and I figure the reason is that I just don’t want to, but I ultimately force myself to look at it to prove I don’t like it.

    Just right before this whole thing started, there was this girl I met at a library. I soon fell for her and she was on my mind 24/7, we started talking and I can’t lie I was obsessed about her. She consumed my sexual fantasies as well as I would search for porn videos with girls looking like her. Our relationship went on for 4 months. Since the HOCD has started, I had to end it with her due to me feeling I am in denial.

    Those feelings I had for that girls were 5 months ago. Recently I met this girl in one of my classes, and she’s super hot. We sit next to each other and we were assigned a project together, and we have been going to the library together to work on it. I often catch myself staring at her thinking she’s gorgeous while catching her checking me out too. I wouldn’t say I have feelings for her, or do I? Recently she’s been on my mind a lot and I want to kiss her so bad. I relapsed yesterday fantasizing about her, and the orgasm was strong. I keep thinking about taking her out to a nice restaurant, and watching a movie and cuddling and having sex and stuff like that, and I enjoy thinking about these things, I am gonna see her again tomorrow and I will try to make a move.

    I accuse myself of being homophobic and also being in denial multiple times a day. I try so hard to just prove to myself that I’m gay or bi, but I never get that yes answer that I seek, it’s always a no.

    I try to imagine having sex with my friends and it isn’t even fathomable, it’s just impossible, I don’t how I could ever have sex with a man, I would never do such things.

    Reading over my post, it seems like I’m extremely straight, but these intrusive thoughts just feel so real, and they rip me apart. Any advice or similar situations? Anything would help seriously.
  2. Also should add I am a virgin, and this was by choice. I have hooked up with multiple girls and I get extremely hard, especially while we are kissing, when I start to get oral I never ejaculate and I get bored, then proceed to go home and PMO, this is the reason I’m doing NoFap, I think it’s called Delayed Ejacualtion?

    Every time I hooked up with a girl, I wanted to, I felt a draw to it, and I feel this draw to women every day.

    I have never felt this draw of attention or desire with a man, ever.
  3. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    Hey Trey, that is your problem right there.^ That averages out at nearly once a day! It is no wonder your counter is on 0! I bet it seldom shows any other number tbh. It is your daily porn use that is causing this HOCD to be so active in your head. Looking at porn has a huge effect on the way you think. It clouds your judgement and results in porn-induced patterns of thought. Sadly, you are suffering from that cognitive disturbance. So, stop looking at porn of any kind. Good luck bro. :)
    NothingMoreNothingLess and vad like this.
  4. Stag99

    Stag99 Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    Watching a lot of porn can make men become more bisexual according to recent studies. It’s the dopamine rush your brain gets addicted to and it wants it any way it can get it (by watching straight, bi, etc porn).
    I believe xhamster recently released some data on this trend.
    Anyways, the deal is if you stop watching porn completely, your brain rewires and your sex orientation goes back to it’s original deal.
  5. pafon55

    pafon55 Fapstronaut

    Hey there dude ! I am also a man with OCD and i went through HOCD as it also likes to come back from time to time. I have in 1 year taught myself how to deal with it and the answer was not even NoFap necessarily but meditation in combination with NoFap. As people with OCD we have to understand that OCD works on our doubt mechanism in our brains. It forces us to consider things that we know to be unlikely or completely not true. The arousal you feel or not is also not a good measurement of reality or sexuality. I strongly recommend you start doing meditations. The goal of therapy is for you to eventually become your own therapist and I've managed to do it to a decent extent alone only through meditations, mindfulness and NoFap. Realize that the thoughts you have are not you and represent nothing. They are not real and only you can make them real. Realize that calmness is the first and literally most important step. As a person with OCD you must know that you cannot fight against your mind when the thoughts come and they have the power to destroy your mind from the inside. I've been there. Just accept any and all thoughts that come to your head without analyzing them, just accept them. They can't turn you gay, they can't turn you bi because they are immaterial and powerless. The more you focus on them, the more power you grant them, the more REAL they seem. I really understand what it is to have a disgusting thought and have it feel more real than the things you know you love and cherish.But it is only because you're allowing them to. Find some mindfulness meditations, google some CBT techniques and you will see improvement even without NoFap, although NoFap really does help.
  6. If you continue to watch pornography, it will never improve no matter how many posts you make on the same topic.
  7. Thanks for the reply.

    Just a reminder that I do not PMO to gay porn, I check to see if I would be aroused or if I would like it.

    Usually when I check the gay porn it’s on my really bad OCD days, I will check gay porn 3-4 times throughout my day. I just broke my 12 day streak yesterday sadly.

    I have identified checking gay porn vs straight porn too see what I like as my biggest PMO trigger, this is cause I always PMO to the straight.

    Gotta stop.
  8. Hey, thank you for the reply.

    I am also aware of how brain can be warped by porn, I’ve seen people talk about escalating into animal and child porn. It is definitely something evil.

    But like I said, I feel no attraction or arousal to men in real life or in porn.
  9. Thanks man this is a great reply on OCD!

    I have been struggling with OCD my entire life, from being scared I’m gonna kill babies, scared of contacting STDS from shaking peoples hands, and even once feared I had testical cancer cause I felt some pain in my groin. OCD is literally a joke, but it forces you to believe that joke.

    I understand to beat HOCD you must accept the thoughts, I just don’t know how in the moment. When I’m in school or in public and I get a thought, I try to let it go but sometimes it stresses me out so much I can’t help it. Do you have any advice on letting the thought pass without acting on it, I can’t find any good advice online.

    Definitely need to push PMO out the picture.
  10. A lot of people think OCD is porn related, which it could be, but any OCD obsession can’t be beat by just abstaining from PMO.

    A lot of the advice I’ve received have been to quit PMO, that’s why this topic I only talked about OCD and not really the PMO.

    Thanks for the reply
  11. I have a clinical diagnosis of OCD. And, it sounds like that's exactly what you have.

    Dude it sucks. I won't take meds for it though, hang in there guy. Wish I had some better advice for you
  12. pafon55

    pafon55 Fapstronaut

    It is actually quite easy to accept the thoughts. Every time you get a nasty thought of HOCD type just say - "yes this is my thought, yes it exists" And do nothing more. Just allow them to exist, do not fight them, do not argue with them, just smile at them and go forward with your day. If you look at a man and you start worrying about being attracted to him, just look at him. Don't shy away, don't start telling yourself that you're not attracted to him, just look at him and you'll realize that what you're experiencing is not sexual attraction. Just allow your thoughts to flow, just let them have fun in your head, don't stop them. If you stop 1 thought in particular : that being "Am I gay" What you're only doing is "spotlighting it". Now it is in the "spotlight" and it's its time to shine ! But you need to allow it to get off the stage so you can continue your day freely and happily. OCD has been one of my life's biggest and most disgusting foes, BUT! It can be your best teacher. You know the saying : What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Well because of OCD i've learned to strengthen my mind and my focus. HOCD is hell, but it taught me a lot about myself and how to deal with OCD. Please go on YouTube and type : Mindfulness Meditation. You will find so many videos all wonderful and all helpful. Another thing you can google is a woman called MoodSmith. She explains HOCD really nicely, although if you want the entire programme you need to pay, but just realizing how HOCD works would be enough and that information is for free. I will give you some advice. Try to stop thinking about sex in general. Every time you catch yourself thinking about sex just gently move your attention to something else. Breathe in deeply, realize that you're completely fine and everything is ok and calm down. In the beginning definitely stay away from PMO that will help you I guarantee you, but do not fear PMO also don't count your days. You need to remove all focus from NoFap in your life. Integrate NoFap to your daily routine and I don't mean visiting the website, i mean the "act" of NoFap. Really believe me, stop thinking about your days count, cause if you think about that, you're going to trigger your desire for porn. I'm 24 years old and I've been PMO-ing since I was 7. The best way to "cure" yourself is to allow your mind to flow nicely and naturally. Also your goal from now on must be that one day you look back to this moment in your life and you can smile back and know that you've learned something about yourself that made you stronger, more confident and MOST IMPORTANTLY in charge of your own mind !
  13. pafon55

    pafon55 Fapstronaut

    Hello, friend. I strongly recommend you try meditation as well. It has helped me greatly with my OCD since I also refuse to take any medications. Cheers, brother.
    Hold it in likes this.
  14. Dude you just reminded me of something huge.. when I first beat my HOCD, me and my therapist came to a conclusion that my biggest problem was over analyzing sex and my reaction to straight and gay sex. I remember 3 years ago, once I tried my best to avoid thinking about sex, my natural attraction slowly came back. Thinking of straight sex is most definitely a compulsion and I completely forgot about that. 90 percent of the compulsions I suffered back then and even today are all surrounded around the idea of sex, by cutting that out, it can only destroy the ocd.
  15. Stag99

    Stag99 Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    Pmo increases OCD by the way.
    When i PMO my thoughts become obsessive and i get stuck on things.
    When i am 1-2 weeks free of pmo, the OCD disappears.
    Also what the others said about meditation is true.
    Daily meditation for 10mins or more will help significantly reduce OCD thinking and porn urges.
  16. NothingMoreNothingLess

    NothingMoreNothingLess Fapstronaut

    You're not gay. Listen to IGY, he makes a good point of HOCD. It's porn that screws up your mind and makes you have second thoughts. Stop looking at porn. You seem my text? Take a deep breath and relax right now. You're overthinking the possibilities. You just need to relax, take a deep breath, and ease your mind. You're a normal dude from what I've read. Put on some soothing music. Relax, and meditate. That is what helps a lot of folks suffering from that. I hope this helps. And, I believe in you that you can kick this addiction's ass man! You have the strength and the power :cool:

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