Hello, my name is Trey and I’m 18, im in college and I’ve been a porn addict since 9-10. So I’m confused as hell, I really am starting to think I’m gay, but it’s impossible. The ultimate reality is if I were attracted to men, then I would have to be bi, because I can’t deny the way I’ve felt about girls my entire life. I do suffer from OCD, and I know I’m suffering from HOCD, and this isn’t my first time going through it. I went through it almost 2 years ago but I saw a therapist and she helped me and I eventually beat it and I became happy again. But 4 months ago it started again, I was sitting in a car with my friend and I got this thought that I would enjoy sucking his dick, and for some reason I didn’t have a reaction of disgust to the thought, so I thought about it again, and I wasn’t having the reaction I wanted, I was definitely disgusted by it, but it was like my reaction was not enough or I was doubting my disgust. Now for the past 4 months my HOCD has returned and stronger then ever. It is destroying me and my very will, I can’t focus in school anymore and I lost all interest in being successful. When I was clear of this ocd I was grinding everyday because I have a crazy work ethic, but with this ocd I just wanna drive a car of a cliff. I spend almost the entirety of my day doing compulsions, and I know I am not supposed to do compulsions, but I swear to god, when I get intrusive thoughts they feel so damn real, even though I never feel any arousal, it’s like my brain is telling me I want it. Then I do a compulsion where I prove to myself that I’m not into men. I’ve probably literally checked gay porn over 100 times in the last 4 months because my brain keeps telling me I would like it, which I never do. I find gay porn to be disgusting and I feel absolutely no arousal at all to it. When I watch gay porn I always look away, especially when they start to kiss or do other sexual acts, and I start getting mad because I’m forcing myself to watch it. When I watch normal porn I get aroused and it seeing the women makes me want to PMO. Gay sex just doesn’t make sense to me and doesn’t appeal to me, I try to fantasize about being with guys but I can’t, it just doesn’t feel right. When I try to think of doing sexual things with a man I can never feel aroused or interested, but with girls I get aroused and interested. For example: I think of sucking some dudes penis, and I hate this thought. I do not feel arousal or interest. I think of a cute girl and I already know I would love for them to give me oral. No question there. Sometimes I feel arousal, sometimes I do not, but it’s obvious that I’m definitely interested. Sometimes when I’m at the gym, when I get intrusive thoughts I’m attracted to men, I go into the locker room to see if I would get aroused my naked men, which I never am. I stopped doing this because I don’t enjoy doing it, it causes a lot of anxiety and also it’s gross because when I see these dudes in the weight room, I know what they look like naked. When my HOCD gets bad, I just tell myself I don’t care if I’m gay or bisexual, I just want to be happy. This never works, it doesn’t feel right. I go out with the mindset that it’s okay to be with men and find them attractive, but I still have the thoughts and still find doing things with a guy to be repulsive. Also my HOCD is starting to make me believe that my entire life was a lie, that I was always suppressing my homosexual side since I was little. I can’t recall ever being sexually attracted to man and I know I have never had feelings for a man. On the other hand I can recall multiple times where I felt attracted to women and I have had crushes on girls since the 1st grade, I have had strong romantic feelings for probably over 10 different girls in my life. Also when we were younger (middle school) my friends would joke around being gay and pull out their dicks and I always thought it was gross and funny, never did I feel aroused by it or like seeing it. I had a friend who every time we were at the game would get naked in the locker room to fuck with us, and I never found it arousing or interested in seeing him naked, also this guy was my most good looking friend, he got most of the girls and I was definitely jealous of him for that. I was able to tell I liked girls when I was around the age of 4-5, I just knew, I would dream of girls, and I started masturbating by the age of 7-8 thinking of girls from class or my female teachers. I wouldn’t masturbate the normal way, I would dry hump my bed at that age. I always go on google images and look up “Most Attractive Men” and usually it comes up with a lot of famous actors or celebrity’s, all whom are good looking. Yeah, I can admit they are attractive, but I am NOT attracted to them, I find the attraction to be aesthetic, and when I try to imagine kissing them I find it repulsive. I search up images of naked men to see if I would be aroused but nothing happens. When I look at these naked images of men, I happen to find myself trying not to look at their penis and I figure the reason is that I just don’t want to, but I ultimately force myself to look at it to prove I don’t like it. Just right before this whole thing started, there was this girl I met at a library. I soon fell for her and she was on my mind 24/7, we started talking and I can’t lie I was obsessed about her. She consumed my sexual fantasies as well as I would search for porn videos with girls looking like her. Our relationship went on for 4 months. Since the HOCD has started, I had to end it with her due to me feeling I am in denial. Those feelings I had for that girls were 5 months ago. Recently I met this girl in one of my classes, and she’s super hot. We sit next to each other and we were assigned a project together, and we have been going to the library together to work on it. I often catch myself staring at her thinking she’s gorgeous while catching her checking me out too. I wouldn’t say I have feelings for her, or do I? Recently she’s been on my mind a lot and I want to kiss her so bad. I relapsed yesterday fantasizing about her, and the orgasm was strong. I keep thinking about taking her out to a nice restaurant, and watching a movie and cuddling and having sex and stuff like that, and I enjoy thinking about these things, I am gonna see her again tomorrow and I will try to make a move. I accuse myself of being homophobic and also being in denial multiple times a day. I try so hard to just prove to myself that I’m gay or bi, but I never get that yes answer that I seek, it’s always a no. I try to imagine having sex with my friends and it isn’t even fathomable, it’s just impossible, I don’t how I could ever have sex with a man, I would never do such things. Reading over my post, it seems like I’m extremely straight, but these intrusive thoughts just feel so real, and they rip me apart. Any advice or similar situations? Anything would help seriously.