I have been on here a lot lately, gotten some good help and tried my best to help others. I struggle with porn addiction and severe OCD. I'm depressed to the point of rock bottom and I just have no where to go. I've worked so hard to achieve the opportunities I had and I lost because of my abuse of porn. So let me start off by saying I am 18 and a male, and have been doing PMO since maybe I was 7-8 years old. I was introduced to porn by an older cousin, who showed me pictures of naked women, and I remember feeling a tremendous amount of excitement and feeling a good sensation in my private. Would search up pictures of women and watch lesbian videos on youtube, till I eventually discovered lesbian porn. I started to PMO a lot as a kid and I remember things that would give me a rush would be more exciting, and I didn't learn till a few years down the road this was dopamine, and I was abusing it like crazy. I don't know how or why but I somehow started to watch gay porn occasionally, and I remember this feeling it gave was this huge rush and I when i would climax, I would feel repulsed and didn't understand why I even watched it, the adrenaline and the rush I had received would disappear and I would tell myself I am never watching it again. This didn't effect my real life at first because I was crushing on girls, feeling attracted to them, etc etc. Never felt attraction to men outside of porn. Never had feelings for a guy and the thought of gay intimacy always repulsed me and the thought of intimacy with a girl was amazing. Eventually when I was nearing the end of my freshmen year of high school, I started to notice porn becoming more frequent, I was craving porn, in school I couldn't wait to get home and PMO. I would get hard thinking of what porn I was going to watch, and I slowly escalated watching incest porn then somehow becoming addicted to gay porn. This caused severe HOCD because the attraction didn't feel right, and I would go out and try to look at men but I couldn't, I didn't think it felt right and this caused me severe depression. My attraction to girls was completely gone and I was left confused. Eventually I discovered NoFap, YBOP, and similar websites and I started to try to abstain from porn. I never managed a good streak but I was going on small streaks consistently and this was helping. I would go on 8-15 day streaks without binging when I relapsed. It didn't take too long for gay porn to become repulsive and m y attraction to girls was still low, but coming back. I remember it was like I de-escalated from porn, I went from gay, to slowly masturbating to straight incest, back to just normal straight porn. After about a year of these streaks, my attraction to girls was back and women made me horny as hell. Eventually I destroyed HOCD because it was so clearly obvious that I was in love with girls and my attraction to guys didn't exist, I couldn't even fathom how I ever even watched it. I would test myself by watching gay porn and it would repulse me so much and I would turn it off within 10 seconds, then I would watch straight porn and just the first image of naked women caused an erection. This all happened in my junior year of high school when my life was going back to normal, I was once again happy. My OCD however manifested itself around other obsessions, but none which were slightly close to how devastating HOCD was. Now 2 years down the road, the summer before college, I was working my ass of in basketball, I was the star player at my high school and was ranked top 100 in the country. (If I gave you my real name you could easily search me up and see my stats and my highlight tapes) I had multiple Division 1 offers and I was about to play for a big time school, and hopefully make it to the NBA which was my dream since I could walk. My PMO habit after beating the addiction and HOCD was very healthy at first, I would PMO maybe twice a week, and I noticed that the incest fantasy was still there, but I would masturbate to it occasionally. As time went on I remember back in March of this year, I was still a senior in high school, but I saw one of my ex girlfriends from middle school whom I had broke up with, and damn she looked gorgeous. I developed insane feelings for her and pursued her and eventually I was able to get her to go on a date with me. That date was amazing and my feelings for her developed even more and she was on my mind all day every day. She felt the same way about me which made me feel amazing. She was saving herself for marriage and I was so head over heels for her I was willing to wait with no complaints. I decided I should PMO more often to rid me of horniness, and at the time sounded like a great idea. I started to PMO more and more and similar to the past, I started to crave it, and got addicted to incest porn, and then when that got boring, I started maturating to... not gay shit, but instead, to my own MOM. Now I am addicted to watching porn videos related to my mom and at first I didn't mind, the dopamine rush it would give me was insane, and similar to the gay porn, when I would climax, I would feel insanely disgusted and would tell myself I am never doing that again. Soon it desensitized me and I lost all my attraction to normal girls, but I still had insane feelings for this girl, but since I wouldn't get attracted to normal porn anymore, my HOCD returned and it caused me to break up with this girl due to me fearing I am lying to myself. My biggest trigger to PMO is my OCD, because I check gay porn too see if I would be attracted which I never am and then I watch straight porn and it leads to relapse. \ When I was addicted to the gay porn a few years back, my highest streak was 21 days, which ain't shit but it worked. To my new obsession, my highest streak is 11 days, after trying to quit for 5 months. 4 days ago, I PMO'd 6 times to incest porn, and now it is starting to get boring in my head, which is terrifying me cause If i don't quit what if I become attracted to that gay shit again. I know I just need to drop the PMO and I will return to normal but it's so hard, especially when you feel depressed. I feel no motivation or anything to quit or to keep moving forward, the only thing I enjoy doing is sleeping, so I can escape the reality of my problems. People try to say maybe I am bisexual or have a mild bisexual attraction and to just try being with guys, which triggers my OCD to whole new level, only those who have suffered will understand what I am talking about. When I go on streaks of just literally 3-5 days, my HOCD weakens a lot because my disgust for gay stuff becomes stronger, when now when I am desensitized, I feel weird thinking about it, I still feel repulsed but sometimes I feel no reaction, this is when I think about the gay porn. When I try to imagine any form of sexual act with a male that I know in real life, it is not even fathomable in my head, and I feel insanely repulsed. I am literally crying right now because of how much I have lost Here is what I lost: I quit the D1 university I was going to play for because my thoughts were causing to much anxiety, and I told everyone I feel an insane pain in my knees and I didn't want to continue. Even when cleared by doctors that nothing is wrong. Lost the girl I was in love with. Destroyed my relationship with friends and family because I have no interest to be with anyone or do anything, just sit in my room and obsess about my OCD problems. I am out of shape, when just 5 months ago I was in the best shape of my life, I was 6'5 and 195 pounds, with 6 percent body fat, I was ripped and huge. I have not been eating nor working out and now I weigh only 182 and 12 percent body fat. I wish I could go back and just change all of this, to 5 months ago when I made the decision to start to PMO again, or even better to go back to when I was a kid and remove myself from porn all together. What do I think? I think I'm straight as an arrow and have been plagued by porn for years, but my OCD makes me doubt this and every other belief I have about myself. I did see a therapist when I suffered with the gay porn, but she didn't really help because my HOCD was mainly porn induced, and once I dropped the porn to a very low habit, it slowly went away. I just feel I need somebody to talk to, I know what I must do but I have no courage, no motivation or anything. I have lost it all and I am once again contemplating if my life means anything. I know being gay is not bad but I have OCD and I am not gay, so telling me to just stop caring what I am will not work. I have tried to force myself to accept being gay or bi and it doesn't work cause I have no attraction to men. I have also noticed a fetish in my PMO addiction this time around to watching black guys with white girl. Also I haven noticed that the penis is a cue for arousal, and this is very confusing, like it is made to look pleasurable. I do not enjoy thinking about doing anything with it, but I enjoy watching a women please it, or being pleasured by one..? I'm sorry to myself for doing this, it's my fault, I beat it once and then I was stupid enough to bring myself back down here, how dumb could I be.