Suicidal and HOCD

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Deleted Account, Oct 23, 2019.

  1. I have been on here a lot lately, gotten some good help and tried my best to help others. I struggle with porn addiction and severe OCD. I'm depressed to the point of rock bottom and I just have no where to go. I've worked so hard to achieve the opportunities I had and I lost because of my abuse of porn.

    So let me start off by saying I am 18 and a male, and have been doing PMO since maybe I was 7-8 years old. I was introduced to porn by an older cousin, who showed me pictures of naked women, and I remember feeling a tremendous amount of excitement and feeling a good sensation in my private. Would search up pictures of women and watch lesbian videos on youtube, till I eventually discovered lesbian porn. I started to PMO a lot as a kid and I remember things that would give me a rush would be more exciting, and I didn't learn till a few years down the road this was dopamine, and I was abusing it like crazy. I don't know how or why but I somehow started to watch gay porn occasionally, and I remember this feeling it gave was this huge rush and I when i would climax, I would feel repulsed and didn't understand why I even watched it, the adrenaline and the rush I had received would disappear and I would tell myself I am never watching it again. This didn't effect my real life at first because I was crushing on girls, feeling attracted to them, etc etc. Never felt attraction to men outside of porn. Never had feelings for a guy and the thought of gay intimacy always repulsed me and the thought of intimacy with a girl was amazing.

    Eventually when I was nearing the end of my freshmen year of high school, I started to notice porn becoming more frequent, I was craving porn, in school I couldn't wait to get home and PMO. I would get hard thinking of what porn I was going to watch, and I slowly escalated watching incest porn then somehow becoming addicted to gay porn. This caused severe HOCD because the attraction didn't feel right, and I would go out and try to look at men but I couldn't, I didn't think it felt right and this caused me severe depression. My attraction to girls was completely gone and I was left confused. Eventually I discovered NoFap, YBOP, and similar websites and I started to try to abstain from porn. I never managed a good streak but I was going on small streaks consistently and this was helping. I would go on 8-15 day streaks without binging when I relapsed. It didn't take too long for gay porn to become repulsive and m y attraction to girls was still low, but coming back. I remember it was like I de-escalated from porn, I went from gay, to slowly masturbating to straight incest, back to just normal straight porn. After about a year of these streaks, my attraction to girls was back and women made me horny as hell. Eventually I destroyed HOCD because it was so clearly obvious that I was in love with girls and my attraction to guys didn't exist, I couldn't even fathom how I ever even watched it. I would test myself by watching gay porn and it would repulse me so much and I would turn it off within 10 seconds, then I would watch straight porn and just the first image of naked women caused an erection. This all happened in my junior year of high school when my life was going back to normal, I was once again happy. My OCD however manifested itself around other obsessions, but none which were slightly close to how devastating HOCD was.

    Now 2 years down the road, the summer before college, I was working my ass of in basketball, I was the star player at my high school and was ranked top 100 in the country. (If I gave you my real name you could easily search me up and see my stats and my highlight tapes) I had multiple Division 1 offers and I was about to play for a big time school, and hopefully make it to the NBA which was my dream since I could walk. My PMO habit after beating the addiction and HOCD was very healthy at first, I would PMO maybe twice a week, and I noticed that the incest fantasy was still there, but I would masturbate to it occasionally. As time went on I remember back in March of this year, I was still a senior in high school, but I saw one of my ex girlfriends from middle school whom I had broke up with, and damn she looked gorgeous. I developed insane feelings for her and pursued her and eventually I was able to get her to go on a date with me. That date was amazing and my feelings for her developed even more and she was on my mind all day every day. She felt the same way about me which made me feel amazing. She was saving herself for marriage and I was so head over heels for her I was willing to wait with no complaints. I decided I should PMO more often to rid me of horniness, and at the time sounded like a great idea. I started to PMO more and more and similar to the past, I started to crave it, and got addicted to incest porn, and then when that got boring, I started maturating to... not gay shit, but instead, to my own MOM. Now I am addicted to watching porn videos related to my mom and at first I didn't mind, the dopamine rush it would give me was insane, and similar to the gay porn, when I would climax, I would feel insanely disgusted and would tell myself I am never doing that again. Soon it desensitized me and I lost all my attraction to normal girls, but I still had insane feelings for this girl, but since I wouldn't get attracted to normal porn anymore, my HOCD returned and it caused me to break up with this girl due to me fearing I am lying to myself.

    My biggest trigger to PMO is my OCD, because I check gay porn too see if I would be attracted which I never am and then I watch straight porn and it leads to relapse. \

    When I was addicted to the gay porn a few years back, my highest streak was 21 days, which ain't shit but it worked. To my new obsession, my highest streak is 11 days, after trying to quit for 5 months.

    4 days ago, I PMO'd 6 times to incest porn, and now it is starting to get boring in my head, which is terrifying me cause If i don't quit what if I become attracted to that gay shit again.

    I know I just need to drop the PMO and I will return to normal but it's so hard, especially when you feel depressed. I feel no motivation or anything to quit or to keep moving forward, the only thing I enjoy doing is sleeping, so I can escape the reality of my problems.

    People try to say maybe I am bisexual or have a mild bisexual attraction and to just try being with guys, which triggers my OCD to whole new level, only those who have suffered will understand what I am talking about. When I go on streaks of just literally 3-5 days, my HOCD weakens a lot because my disgust for gay stuff becomes stronger, when now when I am desensitized, I feel weird thinking about it, I still feel repulsed but sometimes I feel no reaction, this is when I think about the gay porn. When I try to imagine any form of sexual act with a male that I know in real life, it is not even fathomable in my head, and I feel insanely repulsed.

    I am literally crying right now because of how much I have lost

    Here is what I lost:

    I quit the D1 university I was going to play for because my thoughts were causing to much anxiety, and I told everyone I feel an insane pain in my knees and I didn't want to continue. Even when cleared by doctors that nothing is wrong.

    Lost the girl I was in love with.

    Destroyed my relationship with friends and family because I have no interest to be with anyone or do anything, just sit in my room and obsess about my OCD problems.

    I am out of shape, when just 5 months ago I was in the best shape of my life, I was 6'5 and 195 pounds, with 6 percent body fat, I was ripped and huge. I have not been eating nor working out and now I weigh only 182 and 12 percent body fat.

    I wish I could go back and just change all of this, to 5 months ago when I made the decision to start to PMO again, or even better to go back to when I was a kid and remove myself from porn all together.

    What do I think? I think I'm straight as an arrow and have been plagued by porn for years, but my OCD makes me doubt this and every other belief I have about myself. I did see a therapist when I suffered with the gay porn, but she didn't really help because my HOCD was mainly porn induced, and once I dropped the porn to a very low habit, it slowly went away.

    I just feel I need somebody to talk to, I know what I must do but I have no courage, no motivation or anything. I have lost it all and I am once again contemplating if my life means anything. I know being gay is not bad but I have OCD and I am not gay, so telling me to just stop caring what I am will not work. I have tried to force myself to accept being gay or bi and it doesn't work cause I have no attraction to men.

    I have also noticed a fetish in my PMO addiction this time around to watching black guys with white girl. Also I haven noticed that the penis is a cue for arousal, and this is very confusing, like it is made to look pleasurable. I do not enjoy thinking about doing anything with it, but I enjoy watching a women please it, or being pleasured by one..?

    I'm sorry to myself for doing this, it's my fault, I beat it once and then I was stupid enough to bring myself back down here, how dumb could I be.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 23, 2019
  2. fedmom

    fedmom Fapstronaut

    If the gay porn gives you regret after watching it then you aren't gay. There is a thread in my profile that might help you.
    strength54 likes this.
  3. Enwar

    Enwar Fapstronaut

    You can look for help for your OCD; but quitting porn, whatever else happens, should always be your focus. It is the source of all your problems. I suggest that you look for professional help for your OCD, and find a new college (you're probably best off at a community college, in regards to price) to go to, as well as quitting porn again, of course.
    strength54 likes this.
  4. What is the thread called? I tried looking but you have a few lol.

  5. I don’t think an OCD specialist is a great idea since I believe my OCD is fueled from the PMO addiction. Also I am attending the university I was going to play at, I just lost my full ride scholarship because I quit the basketball team. If I started training again they would give me my scholarship back, but due to my OCD and pmo addiction, this is the least of my interests, when deep down if I wasn’t suffering these issues, then my chance at getting back on the team would be my number one priority.
  6. I also have a very hard time focusing in school due to my thoughts, I take 2-3 5 minute breaks from each of my classes to walk in the hall or go to the bathroom and reassure myself I’m not gay, because anxiety levels get to high sometimes.
    strength54 likes this.
  7. I appreciate your reply friend, and yes today marks Day 1 of my journey. I have been in the gym a little lately cause playing basketball sometimes takes my mind off things(Not with other people, only when I’m by myself) Hopefully my dopamine receptors can heal so the things I was passionate about before, such as basketball and a relationship with that girl, can return.
    strength54, marr708 and reddyyfreddyy like this.
  8. fedmom

    fedmom Fapstronaut

    I've got loads of posts but only one thread. If you search "fedmom femdom" it should come up in the first link. Or go to the "information" section of my profile and then "find all threads by fedmom". I understand why you wouldn't want to do it the way I suggest, especially if you're suicidal. You might want to try taking 5-htp tablets as an alternative to swearing.
  9. Enwar

    Enwar Fapstronaut

    Alright, then; you should just focus on eliminating porn above anything else, then. Do you have a job?
  10. Yeah, I have a job, but it’s not an ordinary job, it’s more like we call you for the next day you come work, and it’s all paid under the table, it was a party rental. I busted my ass for the company and I was getting paid 17 an hour no taxes this summer when I was only 17 years old, I worked 12-16 hours every day I didn’t have training for basketball, and with all the days I worked, I made around 20k, which I used to pay for a car, a new phone, and I still have a lot left over that I use for gas and food.

    Gotta quit this addiction, it’s fuel to the fire in my head.
  11. Master Chips

    Master Chips Fapstronaut

    Start again and work on stopping PMO, it is the cause for most of what you mentioned. Don't edge and don't check whether gay stuff turn you on or not, you are not gay, ignore it regardless what comes to your mind. Cold turkey is the only way. I find reading Rebooting materials help in staying on streak, it works as brainwashing (cleaning the bad thoughts with sound ones).
    Coffee Candy likes this.
  12. 1ANDDONE

    1ANDDONE Fapstronaut

    I saw your post. You are young, and you are new. What I took from your post is something positive, and that is you play basketball. I don't play much anymore, but I used to, and it takes practice. To be good at anything takes practice. You are going to have to practice not getting high, and what you did not understand, all those years, is that you were using porn, practicing, to get high. Time to stop.

    I would imagine, that if you are as good at basketball as you claim, and I believe you, you don't just study the game, you study your body, as in the mechanics of your body. You understand endurance is something that has to be earned, you understand that the three point shot is something that is practiced to be good at.

    "Porn addiction" is an outdated term. But we will go with it. You are not addicted to porn. You use porn, like a tool, like a drug, to get high. The high you are feeling is a dopamine high, but, also coupled with a release of endogenous opioids. Look it up. Study the problem. I don't know your orientation, and do not care. But, a lot of guys end up at H porn when they have burnt out on vanilla and straight porn. Point being, your brain requires novelty, to get its dopamine hit, and it cannot get that dopamine hit from the same type of porn it started out on, forever. A lot start out on vanilla porn, or porn they see what they think their natural sexuality in, but, over time, over years, the brain desensitizes to that, and requires something different, novel, more shocking to trigger that dopamine high.

    You did not know it at the time, but you were conditioning your brain, exercising it, so to speak, to get that dopamine rush.

    You have to condition it, now, NOT to get that dopamine rush. At least not via porn. It occurs naturally, a dopamine high, and you need to recondition your brain to get it only naturally. The cure for porn addiction is very simple and hellishly hard. It is not so much that you have to quit porn, but you must understand that what you are really quitting is using porn to get that dopamine rush. THAT is what you are addicted to, not porn.

    When thinking of quitting, you need to think of it less in terms of quitting porn, and more in terms of quitting using porn to achieve that neurological reaction. The only reason anyone ever watched porn was because it results in that neurological reaction. It will be difficult, because you have trained your brain to want it--yes, trained it. You did not know you were doing it, but you were. Every time you got high from porn, you were training your brain, via using porn to achieve a dopamine rush, to want it. Dopamine is a naturally occurring neurotransmitter in the brain that has to do with wanting, liking, seeking, achieving. You get that hit from scoring, in basketball, too. Currently your brain expects it, because you have trained your brain to get that hit via porn, and, maybe, nothing is as efficient as porn at getting that hit. In quitting, you will have to train your brain NOT to expect it. Think of it as practice. You may not be very good at not using it now, but you shoot that three pointer 100 times a day for six weeks, and your percentage goes from 10 to 40. Quitting porn, as in quitting using to get high, takes time, effort, and patience. Just, going in, know what you are quitting. Get educated. It is half the battle.
  13. Sleepysnake777

    Sleepysnake777 New Fapstronaut

    I think that porn has negatively effected your brain. you know your natural state was not thinking those thoughts until you started your excessive porn use and after years escalated to those genres. You even said it doesn’t feel right. I relate to a lot of what you said and have had HOCD and know that depressed feeling when you don’t want to do anything or be around anyone and it is the scariest feeling ever and I still struggle from It but nowhere near as bad as I used to and I know the thoughts are illogical all they do is scare me and bring no physical attraction. I can’t believe the stuff I did during my extreme porn addiction and I regret it every day.But if it doesn’t feel right then you know it doesn’t and just stop trying to think through it because that makes the ocd worse. Someone who is gay or bi would say that it feels right or good and they enjoy the feeling. However you said yourself something feels of and wrong.I think that you just need to take another long break and you will return to your natural state.
  14. Change comes as result of movement, you can not stay where you are and change, movement can be physical of hypothetical.
    It can describe where you are financially, emotional and physically.
    You just described your general state and your current problems. Now you have to define where you want to go.
    You want a new job?
    New place to live?
    Feel happy to be live?
    Enjoy a vacation?
    Meet someone who you will love?

    Each of those has clear path of action.
    There are steps you can take daily to find a job you will like.
    Steps you can take to find better place live
    Things you can do to at least explore where you may wan to go on vacation
    Activities you can do that truly make you happy.

    There is one problem though, you also have to face what is preventing you from doing what I described.
    You wake up in the morning, what do you do next?
    You look at the list and it says "I want a new job" what happens next? What will you do?
    Observing yourself in that moment when the boots actually hit the pavement and you need to act where change happens.
    Here is your goal you know is right, and here is what you need to do to get to it, why are you not doing it right now?
    I am lazy,
    I am depressed,
    I am worthless
    It wont work...
    Why even try?
    Lets start this tomorrow, not today =)

    So you listen to your thoughts for why you will not do what you need to do, to get what you obviously want and then you have to figure out a way to make yourself do it. Mostly just to start, once you start it gets easier.
    And you are now moving from where you were to where you want to be, and that motion will change who you are.

    So what is your optimal future in 6 months?
  15. Thank you for the advice. I will definitely go cold turkey because it seems to be the most effective route.

  16. Your reply has really given me a more depth insight on my past, and definitely matches up with my path of destruction. It all started vanilla pictures of women and escalated and escalated. I remember I never had the idea to watch “gay porn” as a kid, so when watching the vanilla straight porn got boring, I started to look at the perspective as the girl and I remember getting this huge rush from it, and then it escalated into gay porn. Every time I watched gay porn or anything gay related, and every time I did I noticed the same thing, a huge dopamine rush, and after climax, I would find it disgusting.

    Like I said in my post though, I had slowed down my PMO all those years ago and it worked, and it’s been 3 years since I’ve found any arousal or interest in anything gay related.

    My pmo addiction had once again de-escalated to soft, straight porn. I could easily look at the women and I loved it. I was doing PMO for a little while at a slow rate(twice a week, which was better then my twice or more a day) and I started to notice I was moving towards incest, and then into videos related to my mom... The same result, I was seeing a huge dopamine hit and after I was done I felt disgusted. This is where I am at now.

    The reason my HOCD returned is probably due to my lack of arousal or interest in normal women.

    Right now I am only 3 days cold turkey, and thinking about anything gay related is repulsive, just like it’s been for the last 3 years, and I just thought about a hot women I saw yesterday and got a hard on.

    Now here’s my question that I hope you can answer... during my gay porn addiction, when I slowed down my pmo addiction, it didn’t take long for it to become repulsive. I never actually stopped PMO, I just reduced it a lot. I don’t know how or why I got into that gay stuff, because I have re-escalated and that stuff still doesn’t bring me arousal, maybe I was so young that porn easily manipulated my brain into liking anything artificial, and I don’t recall one time ever feeling this way about guys in real life, my entire life. Do you think that I was just young and porn took over my brain? Or something else?

  17. I remember when I first beat HOCD, I would have small intrusive thoughts that would come here and there that felt super real, even though I didn’t have any arousal, and the thought eventually went away. I don’t know how to deal with it right now where it is full blast, I just can’t figure it out.

    When I try to not answer the thoughts, I get insane anxiety all day, and it’s one of the most challenging things ever to not answer your thoughts. Do you have any advice on this?

    And yeah, the only thoughts that feel natural are those about women. I’m done with PMO forever, I will never return.

  18. In six months I want to be 6 months free of PMO, back in shape, and I want my chance to get back on the team to become a reality. In 6 months I want to be happy, and I want my smile and laugh to be real.

    PMO must be put to an end, and promise I will conquer it. I’ll start with small goals, my first one being 30 days, then 50, then 100, to a year, then to forever.

    I have noticed when being slightly PMO free, a lot of my views change, especially around the idea of sex. When I am PMO free, I start thinking about other things: kissing, touching, intimacy. When I’m not PMO free it’s just bang bang city.

    Thanks for your reply.
  19. Saying in 6 months I want to be 6 months free, is same thing as saying I will stop now and never use again. You made no progress.
    Being happy is very generalized, you can be happy about eating an apple.
    Smiling and laughing is something you do not need to wait 6 months for, just pull up something funny.

    You think you know where you are going, but you have no clue. This also means you have no reason to make any of the changes you seem to think you want to make.

    You got transfixed on this idea of stopping use and you forget that its just a tiny part.
    Drug addict has to stop abuse - yes, but he also needs to stop stealing, get a job, food, place to live, things to do, friends etc.
    Just stopping drug use leaves him miserable, depressed individual without a place to live, friends, or a job.
    Now he has a choice - do I do the hard work of getting my life in order, get a job, place to live etc or do I just get high and forget?
    People are not ready to do the hard work, so they inevitably take the easy way out and fall back

    Stopping any type of abuse is more about fixing your life than stopping.
  20. 1ANDDONE

    1ANDDONE Fapstronaut

    One of the most difficult jedi tricks a porn addict must learn is that porn is just a button, and it is not what we are addicted to. The addiction is to the dopamine and endogenous opioid release, that happens, in the brain, in response to the hypersexual thoughts that porn can be used--used, like a tool--to generate. That is all porn is for humans, a tool we can use to get high. That neurological brain reaction/reward has to do with liking, wanting, seeking, and getting. It is nature's way of encouraging reproduction. But, we are clever monkeys, and we have figured out a LOT of ways to jack that neurological reward system, porn being one way, gambling another, drugs, another.

    With porn--and I do not care about orientation--a lot of people start out at vanilla, and end up at gender bender. That is a process that takes a second, as in, often. years, where they go from the porn they think represents who they are or want to be, but ends up at something out there, shocking, and where they no longer see what they consider their "normal" sexuality. Let's be honest, the pornographers know this, which is why vanilla porn is hardly ever produced.

    That process of "migrating through the categories" is, as you have identified, to do with sensitization, desensitization, and escalation. We get a dopamine high only so long on one category, until the brain numbs to it (desensitizes to it), and then we have to move on to something novel, never before seen, to get the hit we used to get from what we watched (PMO'd to) before. It take a while, but many desensitize to porn that is their natural orientation, and start watching porn outside their orientation--because only that type of porn will get them the dopamine spike they want.

    I want you to understand this because I want you to know how you got to where you are. It's fucked up, but you are not alone.

    Also, Trey, anyone who has lived to 20 thinks of suicide. Maybe not much, or seriously, but we all do. Don't do it. Your parents don't want to hire carpet cleaners. Insert smiley face emodicon.

    As for HOCD, not sure it is a concept I believe in. It is a product of High Speed Internet Porn, watching porn, and sensitizing, desensitizing, escalating, over time. A lot of people get to gender bender porn if they watch it long enough, because what they start at, won't do it forever, and they have to escalate to keep getting their dopamine high. What I am telling you is: Don't panic, and it can be fixed. Don't know what your sexual orientation or taste is, don't care, but do not confuse the tool you use to achieve a dopamine high with your sexual preferences: One has nothing to do with the other.

    Hope this helps.

    Much love. Gabe Deem shout out.

    Last edited: Oct 27, 2019

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