Suicidal thoughts, problem getting uncontrollable, can you help fix my problem?

[ARCEUS]

I have so many things to tell and want a help. First of all I am an addict since I was in grade 4, but had very mild addiction, which increased just now, I fought this same battle and won a streak from April 2021 to October 2021. But got addicted again, and now with a very different practice, I am becoming hopeless. Now let me tell you what that act, my previous streak of 21 days got ended due to an issue which I think I am not able to find a solution for it. I actually wake up at night, half still asleep that I can't control myself, or half unconscious I could say, no wet dream I clarify, just randomly I half wake up, not even knowing I am still in my bed, starts doing M, I am watching it being done, but I don't have any thoughts, just does it with complete empty mind and ejaculate at the very place and after the process is done, I get all my senses back, started and realizes where I have done it and what happened with me, its like god is hypnotizing me into saying, "don't get separated from it, my servant."

Guys, I am not able to find any of its solutions, the previous streak of 21 days, which I was talking about was broken due to this happened and when I woke up in the morning, a heavy amount of chaser effect covered my brain and just made me broke my streak. Someone told me I shall not reset counter due to this problem as it's unconscious. It is happening in every 7 days. The problem is every time it happens, it inserts a good amount of chaser effect which is risking my life. I want to leave porn, forever, its making me shift in a soo unpleassent and world with soo much sadness, I want to live my life, with my controls again, I want my dissolved/damaged brain to be repaired and make me experience every happiness in this life again But no incidents are in my favour, if I try to fast from it consciously, the unconscious force don't let me, what should I do? End my life? Cuz everything only against by me, this issue, I can't find a single solution rather than doing meditation, which I am regularly doing 2 times a day. It's like I am patiently watching how I am getting more and more destroyed and not able to do anything. Please help me anyone, really need support. Help me find this solution, its company making my challenge of PM harder as F to end. Really thinking, living a life full of nuisance, brain fog, aggression, non creativeness and non supportiveness is not better than stopping my heart and ending all the problem at an instant

 

[desmond3]

I can't control myself, or half unconscious I could say, no wet dream I clarify, just randomly I half wake up, not even knowing I am still in my bed, starts doing M, I am watching it being done, but I don't have any thoughts, just does it with complete empty mind and ejaculate at the very place and after the process done, I get all my senses started and realizes where I have done it and what happened with me, its like god is hypnotizing me into saying, don't get separated from it, my servant.

If I am right, this is your main concern.

This "unconscious M" was acquired by indulging in PMO during daytime, which means things you do while you are conscious can get into your "subconscious mind" somehow. In the same sense, you can do something during daytime to reverse this as well.

I will suggest two things that you can do (from what I've learnt from other NoFap articles):

• Set a rule for yourself, that, unless necessary (e.g. going to the toilet), never touch your genitals (while you are conscious).
• Sleep with your hands under your pillow / head (or make them hard to reach your genitals, e.g. putting your hands outside your quilt, instead of putting them in it).

 

[ARCEUS]

If I am right, this is your main concern.

This "unconscious M" was acquired by indulging in PMO during daytime, which means things you do while you are conscious can get into your "subconscious mind" somehow. In the same sense, you can do something during daytime to reverse this as well.

I will suggest two things that you can do (from what I've learnt from other NoFap articles):

• Set a rule for yourself, that, unless necessary (e.g. going to the toilet), never touch your genitals (while you are conscious).
• Sleep with your hands under your pillow / head (or make them hard to reach your genitals, e.g. putting your hands outside your quilt, instead of putting them in it).

I already follow the first advice very strictly, about 2nd advice, I will definitely try, but I don't feel the outcome will come cuz I change positions too much when I sleep, than too lets see.
The thing you said of subconscious mind is also what I suspect and I will try my best to alter it with any other practice, at the moment I could only see studying has the power which could alter as I don't have much other options.