Super confusion !!

Hello everyone.
I am 30 years old virgin. I have always been somewhat between introvert and extrovert. But mostly not very upfront with girls. Not much in there contact. Even college. Just as per the occasion required used to talk with them. I socialize a lot with everyone. Talking with girls is not much of an issue. Many of my customers are females. Yes I do fumble sometimes but I cover it up. Not very anxious when it comes to talking with people..I am into sales. I wouldn't call myself taking a back seat kinda of person when it comes to socializing. Have a got network of friends. Never had an active girlfriend. The reason is my family is orthodox and even I thought it was better to focus in studies as I was a bit dumb in that part. I used to prefer to stay at home..with limited frnds..not exclusively. But ya just preferred less people.

Usage of porn started in 2005/2006 ..initially it was TV ..hot songs..later erotic literature ...then magazines ...and in 2010 got cell phone ..then small clips..after 2013 got high speed internet ...initially it was for curiosity ...fun..relaxation...later on it might have become a little bit of coping mechanism...to stress,unhappiness. And just in those days (2005/2008) was a failure in studies so used to masturbate there just to cope up with it. In and all used it to feel good and relaxed.
Now I never masturbated like how my friends did . it was by rubbing my erect penis against bed,pillow or anything soft maybe a balloon manyatines thinking that to be a girl. Never did it with stroking it by hand....I dont remember why I never did it.
I dont know what to call it, I masturbated to porn 3/4 times in a week. And have been doing it. I am not unfit. Say average when it comes to health.

But one thing is. : for me masturbation has always been with porn in front. I mean its a synonyms porn = masturbation (in my case) its all routine porn that I used to watch.

I am employed since 2013 ..doing good in my job. I meet a lot of people. I have no anxiety no stress nothings when it comes to social situations. I am very confident.

The reason why I came here is : I noticed this in a retrospect ..that I have been getting a bit weak erections while watching routine erections and when I edge or use a bit of hardcore porn it gets me strong again. Also the erections Dont stay very strong. Like it begins with 90% and say when it comes to end of the show ...I.e climax its 60%. I didn't give it much thought then. Just thought its a due to excess masturbation. Sometimes I uses to had a lil bit precum or may be semem leakage...from penis. But very rare. It used to follow after masturbation. But that may be due to extra foreskin. Also after watching porn I sometimes used to feel guilty,somewhere I wanted to stop this as i was not feeling very good after the ejaculation, even physically the next day would go sluggish/less energy/less enthusiasm. But I somehow couldn't control that. ( I didn't knew NoFap or any such stuff then)

Other than porn I have never had any sexual encounter.

Only time that I watch porn was at night. Rarely in day time. Only if someone sent me a clip on social media or something. Or a hot video while surfing YouTube.. I never skipped my daily tasks to watch porn and masturbate.

In May 2018 my parents decided to get me married. Its an arrange marriage ofc . Everything was finalised, marriage is supposed to be held in august. All was going fine.but just in mid May I though about this porn stash I had on PC so decided to delete it all. And from my phone too. As I didn't need it anymore. Started with a healthy routine ..of proper cycling/morning walks/ jogging proper diet. It was my way of preparing for marriage. It was all going on fine. Stopped the porn since the day the marriage was decided. It was exactly 15th may. Didn't looked at any. Happily dreaming about my fiancee. Just in last week of may ..this though of weak erections passed by my mind. So just to clear all doubts I went to a urologist just to get myself checked. Told him about the stuff ...my porn usage. And the issue that am getting weak erections while watching porn. No morning woods lately.

He asked me to get my hormone levels..T levels ..prolactin checked ... Examined physically. And also asked if i am straight in thoughts ! I said yea definitely !! My porn collection is a testimony to that. ..the tests came all good. He said just Dont think about it too much. It will be different with your wife. The womens touch is different. And its all normal. You will be able to perform well.

He gave no medication. Nothing.
But just out of usual curiosity I googled the symptoms and found this Pandoras box ( nofap,reboot nation, YBOP YouTube video about this) this all happened in last week of may.

Now just to be on safer side. I read everything ..to my surprise it matched few of the things going in my life. .

What I noticed in all forums :
1)There are lot of men / women initially started PMO for pleasure and may be later it turned out as there coping mechanism to all unwanted scenarios.
2) They all became addicted to it.
3) So addicted that it changed there brains networking ..wiring.(sensitization,desensitization,thinking ability, it gave them serious behavioural changes,Mood swings, dependability on porn, finding refugee in PMO) in short sort of Porn addiction that leads to excess masturbation.In some cases it took them away from reality,society ..relatives ..increased anxiety ..brought depression.PIED,ED,DE and much more of unwanted things .. Just like anyother addiction)

I also saw many going with the nofap,no porn ...the streaks they are on...form days to months to some people even years. ..some relasping..starring it again.. Feeling strong cravings ..motivating each other to stay strong...be more socializing.. Going out..being extrovert ..getting over anxiety ...getting over depression.

What I observed or think reboot/rewiring is :
1)stay away from porn and any of its stimuli or different cousins of porn ..I.e stay away form anything that is not related to real sex/real women.
2) alongside...and this should get more priority ..focus all your energy in building positive aspects of life....may it be your career, personal life, family time..health...travelling.,physical fitness proper diet..taking up a hobby ..or do.something productive ...

3) in short replace porn with productivity so that all the focus of your brain goes there and you start balancing your brain to reality ..or bring it down from that abnormal high..that instant gratification to reality and pleasure that comes from hardwork.

4) I agree to all this. Some even suggested to popele that who Dont have real life women experience for reboot should get a partner so that it will fasten up the process ...it will make way for the new neuropathways ...which have been replaced by porn ...and it makes sense.

Now after reading all this ...I too started NoFap ..actually I had unknowingly started that from 15th may ...never even once I had that craving...or even a small desire to watch porn ..I Dont know if I was not much addicted to it ...or it was fear of this relapse - which i came to know in June first week. Or.let's say fear of failure.

Now the whole reason to go in this deep I had a small fear about weak erections..but the doc cleared it..but later on read all this stuff ..I became more concerned ... About my erection ...my performance during first night...and my over all sex life after marriage.

Doing NoFap...no porn has nothing to loose ..so I continued with it. I am still with it. I am sure it won't do any harm.. At some level I strongly believe that when I get married...her touch ..and that total environment of first time ...will make me feel better. And all will be fine. I believe I have no pied/ed or even if there is any such issue. It will be fine.

In this approx 45 days of NoFap no porn. ..I had mood swings ...I had days of ups and down..sadness...less confidence...bad feelings...am not good enf feeling ...am in mess..comparison with other friends ...what the fuck I have done.. Sometimes I get porn flashbacks but I have learnt how to ignore it..and I succeed in it...always. I have learnt to control my negative thoughts too...every time I get some negative thoughts about my future ...my sexual performance ..I automatically have a positive thought that cancels it out. I Dont fight it. I accept it and cancel it out. In my professional life everything's going good. So in all NoFap and no porn at all,Has bought a lot positive things to my life. I feel much better ...as compared to my faping days.


But the unwanted part is :
It has disturbed my confidence. I still Dont know about my performance in bed after marriage. (I AM JUST CONCERNED ABOUT THAT PART, THATS THE REASON I STARTED THE STUDY OF THIS WHOLE TOPIC)

Now I don't really experienced the withdrawal symptoms of going back to porn..or masturbate at all. Yes initially I felt asexual ..disinterested in life.more sad..maybe a little depress ..but that was in control.
Just a few days ago I started texting my fiancee and I could feel the rush in penis. It was not an erection. But a tingling. The other day got a little precum just while texting her. And once while traveling having a vivid dream about sex with her. A 50% erection too. In daylight.

Some things that I should mention :
1. The morning wood in faping and porn days were very almost invisible. I Dont remember If I had any.
2. When I started NoFap no porn .. Initially Didnt get any wet dreams..morning wood. But now since last 10 days have been getting them but not regularly say once or twice in 4/5 days...not 100% erect but 50/60% erect for a very short period of time. Had a wet dream twice..

I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT TO THINK NOW...I AM SUPER CONFUSED ABOUT THIS WHOLE SITUATION...I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU ALL THINK ABOUT THIS SITUATION !! IN MY SOCIETY SUCH ISSUES ARE NOT NORMAL. SOCIETY WOULDNT ACCEPT THIS ...I AM UNDER PRESSURE ..I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW !! PLZ PLZ TELL ME WHAT YOU PPL THINK !!!

 

Thanks for the reply. I have added a few more things to this post. Can you please go through it and give your opinion ?

 

Thanks for the support brother !! I hope so too. Will keep you updated

 

I too think so... I am going to believe in myself and my brain more. I am sure it will heal itself faster. Also I am getting all the signs people do in that 90 days streak ...I mean inital ups and down..limp dick..or flatline and Iam sure its getting better..I just hope that the recovery happens intime.

 

Thank you so much for taking out time and replying. Its such a moral support to see this.

Actually I have just started talking to her. Dont know how she will react, whether she will understand the issue ..I mean this problem actually has different levels. ..I mean you know...if u say ..that u got level 1 cancer... People generally focus just on the "cancer" part. Actually the morality and ethical part is killing me. But I just Dont k ow for sure ..in what stage I am here.

Many people are porn addicts but they Dont have these issues ...and as per I have read many have just started for a year or two and have developed these problems..so there is now hard and fast thumb rule...that is making it more difficult..its so unsure !! And if u accept it that you have ..it takes a biggest toll on your mind too. Its makes forgetting this topic and movie towards a constructive way of life more difficult. But yes, I am going to meet her soon and will at least make sure to let her know that I used to watch porn and now I have stopped. (I don't know I should but may be I will at least this to her)

The later part is difficult as I myself Dont know what its gonna be. Hence I have left it on destiny. Honestly if I knew it was 100% sure. I would have told her.
For know what I have decided :

1) no pmo
2)mindfulness meditation
3)exercise
4)better diet.
5) whatever I have read ...I have understood 3/4 things which I can be very sure about

A)Your Brain is where all the changes have taken place. Hence rebooting and rewiring if done properly will make the new changes.
B)Focusing more on developing relation with my fiance. Understanding her ....chatting with her. Trying to know her better and accepting that there is a real person who care for me.
C) Literally forgetting about this whole situation and just focusing on creating habits and daily routine ..which will be alligned with crafting a better life for me...courier wise,health wise, family wise.
D) Even goona stop counting the days. This whole situation has troubled me so much that I fucking almost went in depression.. And so much negative thinking in last 10 days...I lost belief in myself.
E) But have thought this through now. This whole thing has came up in my life either to destroy my or help me to make the biggest positive change ever in my life.....I have always been more sceptical..less health conscious ...less outgoing ...not fond of having people around me...and with less gratitude ...

And now the situation is that I have to act entirely opposite to what I have been behaving and what I am to get through this.
Currently my only goal is to focus on "now" and have a constructive life. Nothing else, I have also stopped serching about this topic anymore. As everything is quite subjective. Our Brain is a mysterious thing...everyone has a unique set. Let's see how my brain reacts when in that situation.

Yes one more thing...once I am comfortable with her...I will mention her "Karezza" love making technique.. Let's see. Wish me luck and keep me in your prayers brother.