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You can in addition learn how to deep throat and consider other more intense practices that is attractive for him maybe.

 

The answer to a wife who is in pain because of her husband's years of lies and her husband's secret porn addiction--which is a Betrayal of their marriage.....the answer to that hurt wife is not 'how to do sex better'.

@Dhalia, do you see how insensitive and wrong that is?!?!?

 

Sounds like a Grade A, Addict to me. Keep in mind, this is his ADDICTION speaking. The man you are interacting with, is not the man you married. Don't, however, loose faith thinking that man doesn't exist anymore though. He does — he is just buried under his own turmoil.

The hardest part for an addict, is to take the first step — admitting that they have a problem and that they are powerless over ___________ . From there it becomes much easier, but that first step is what literally keeps hundreds of millions of people around the world away from treatment. It's sad but the hard truth is that he is going to have to discover that on his own.

 

I wish this wasn't statistically true, but I must be rigorously honest for your sake: Recovery must be a selfish act. Meaning, he must be doing this for himself, above all. Not for you, not for his or your parents. You can all be inspiration, but you can not be the main cause. The reason being, the second that he disagrees with any of you, he is going to feel justified in breaking his agreement. In addition, if he feels shamed by one of you, he is going to feel as though his efforts are for none, eventually leading him down the dark path again. This idea varies from culture to culture, I'm sure, but I'd like to think that addiction is more of a human problem than it is a cultural one.

If I can help in the smallest of ways, then my job as a recovering addict has been accomplished. Don't feel bad about trying to pronounce my name — it's like that for a reason

 

Anything I try to do with my wife from touching her arm to holding her hand put my arm around or you totally just sends me back into a place where I really just want to get naked I don't even want to have sex I just want to hold her body I just want to feel her because I feel like sometimes I'm losing contact with my Humanity I made some bad choices I use things I shouldn't have used I did things I shouldn't have done and I get that I want my wife to be able to recover so we can both be recovered together I do not believe I'm a sex addict I believe I'm sexually compulsive and have a very high sex drive and I use sex in a manner that I should not have . I have been able to abstain and not do anything that means zero sexual at all for a hundred twenty three days today I have found myself within all this it has cleared my mind I've gotten off my antidepressants. I don't drink at all anymore and it wasn't heavy . I was at two or three drinker and by the third drink I became difficult to deal with I stopped that I also stopped antidepressants. been going through a lot we have been going through a lot we just want to recover and discover each other again . Spiritually we have grown Leaps and Bounds sexually we still wait I just want to get on with life and I know that sex is part of it I'm hyper-sexual my wife my wife is obviously hypo sexual what do you do?

 

I agree the first step is admitting you have a problem, but it's not helpful to tell yourself you are powerless. Disempowering yourself doesn't help you beat an addiction.

Not all addicts need a 12-step program. Not all addicts need to be part of a "real" recovery program. I'm a former alcoholic, and I broke my addiction by myself. I was drinking 10-15 drinks every night, and went cold turkey. That was hell, and I experienced DTs (probably should have gone to the hospital for detox, but I didn't want my boss at work to find out my problem!), so don't try to tell me I wasn't a "real addict". Can everyone do this? Perhaps not, but not all addicts need a "real" program. I don't like how AA tells people they are addicted for life, and have no power apart from attending AA meetings. Addicts need to empower themselves. You can break chemical and psychological dependency on various things. After you break chemical and psychological dependency, you are no longer an addict, thanks to neuroplasticity. That doesn't mean you should return to the previous behavior, because you already know you are susceptible, but that doesn't mean you are *still* addicted. I hate the expression, "once an addict you are an addict for life". It's empowering to consider myself a *former* addict who broke *free*. Constantly telling yourself you are an addict with no power is giving that thing power over yourself. I also broke my addiction to tobacco and to coffee and energy drinks. I'm still struggling with PMO, though. I know my counter says 2 days, but that's just for MO. I've been without hard P for over three weeks, and without soft P for about a week. The first week without hard P was very difficult, but living without P has been getting easier. Going without MO is much more difficult, but that has been a problem for much longer than P.

 

I'm not "replacing one addiction with another", if that's what you're implying. I've been MOing since I was like 12, but P didn't become a problem until I was an adult, and then only off and on.

 

Also, I broke the addictions to things I was addicted to for less time first, and have been snowballing my success. I was actually addicted to coffee for longer than I've been addicted to MO, but coffee isn't "natural". There is no natural instinct for alcohol, tobacco, or coffee. Sex is a basic instinct, along with food and water, which is why it's so difficult to break sex or PMO addictions. Food being a natural instinct is why junk food and obesity is such a problem for so many people, including myself. I've been losing weight, and am only in the "overweight" category now.

 

Congrats on fighting (not beating) your disease(s). With that being said: you don't fully understand the idea of powerlessness, if you think the first step is dis-empowering or disenchanting. Before I address the second half of your post (I have a lot to add), can you please share with the group how long you were a part of AA (or any other recovery group) before you decided to get "sober" alone? Also, if you're comfortable sharing, how long have you been "sober" for?

Disclaimer: My goal is not to persuade you, or anyone else for that matter, to join AA. I will, however, show how little you know about addiction based on what you've already shared. Stay tuned.

P.S. My gut tells me we are going to need another thread for this. This is a big, but important, topic on its own.

 

Gold.

 

@Hopeishe, what you just described is abuse..pure and simple, bordering on sexual assault depending on how forceful he got.

You need to protect yourself ... your husband needs some SERIOUS intervention, beyond just realizing he is a porn addict and recovering from it -- he needs to be changed/reprogrammed from the inside out.

 

Thanks and yes it came from a place of frustration. Look, to people who don't know my story, my husband is the most vanilla guy when it comes to sex. I easily can do vanilla, but I also did everything imaginable to please him. I am adventurous, high drive, willing to experiment and explore. I gave him everything. He turned down lots of my idea's, said I was a "freak" on multiple occasions and said some harsh things. When we would have sex prior to DDAy and I on occasion felt close, I felt it was off, he wasn't there. I was doing everything- in fact, I taught him everything about sex! He truly didn't know how to have sex. He had never done foreplay ever and thought foreplay was stupid when we met. I tried making the mood, having sex whenever, trying anything he asked that was not degrading. Yet, he still was addicted, he still used.

PA has Nothing To Do With Sex. Porn is an escape, sex is a connection. So I said what I said out of frustration and hurt, and knowing that a lot of SO's fear that they will be blamed and told, "you must not have enough/good enough/adventurous sex, have more and he will be with you," or, "It's just porn, why not watch with him or recreate his fantasy?"

SO's it's never about our looks, our bedroom skill... it's about a broken person who never learned how to connect and feel emotions and allow another person to truly get to know them. They are scared and running from pain. So no matter how good we act, no matter what we do in the bedroom, no matter what clothes or lingerie we try on to seduce them.... it's never about us. It's about their feelings of inadequacy or feelings of anxiety about being vulnerable and close. Society practically tells men that crying is weak, and anything deemed feminine is bad/weak/gay. (I have nothing against the LGBTQ but I have heard people use "gay" as a slander so many times towards men who show any femininity hence why I put that in there)

That's not true. Women are strong because they have the guts to face their emotions, at the deep depths, and come back and keep living life. They get through things because they feel emotions, process it, integrate it, and move forward. So SO's, never fall into the false belief that if you changed your looks or tried things in the bedroom that it will solve the PA problem or have them reduce use. Reduction in use isn't worth treating yourself like an object for their pleasure. SO's you are all worth so much more than you know, please don't fall into thinking that your worth is determined by your PA and how they treat/treated you. You are all so strong and brave for standing by the partner who chose to betray you. But standing by them does not mean you have to change yourself. You were good enough before they came along, and if they can't see that because they are in the P fog, then that is their loss.

 

Very well said and very true! In fact that applies to all addictions, it never has anything to do with the SO. The ball for recovery is squarely with the addict. They are the only one who can change the situation.

The SO has the choice to stay or go, to support or not support the one in recovery and to of course heal themselves from something they didn't deserve or contribute to but have to suffer through.

 

I wasn't part of AA or any other recover group before I decided to get sober, and never joined one. I've been sober for 2.5 years now.
Ok, I agree this topic has taken the thread off topic and any further discussion should be in another thread.