Suppression of lust

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Oneness, Sep 8, 2016.

  1. Oneness

    Oneness Fapstronaut

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    I recently got into a cycle in my journey where I found myself suppressing the feelings of lust as opposed to acknowledging them and then consciously choosing another option. In hindsight I can see that I was going through a crazy depressive flatline. But i've found that if you suppress the lust then it tends to return whenever it does and attack you strongly.

    I also found myself actively not looking in the direction of women (to curb lust) but even that's unhealthy behaviour also because you're rejecting the outside and part of the population because there's something wrong in me. I can't cut people (even if i don't know them) out of my life. I should be in control.

    I wanted to share this thought with you all. Tell me what you think.
     
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  2. six

    six Fapstronaut

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    I've been struggling with this lately. Specifically my voyeuristic tendencies. Compulsively going out of your way to help realize a voyeuristic opportunity is one thing. But what about the simple act of acknowledging to yourself how how sexy a woman who's consciously showing it off is? I can see how unhealthy the first case is, but in the second case, trying to look away is something I'm not sure about. I can see the value in not obsessing, fantasizing or lusting after it. But trying to eliminate the excitement of seeing a sexy person seems to go against male human nature. And I think this is the kind of thing that gets devout religious people into trouble. Try to suppress a natural response and it will manifest itself in a bad way. It's so Freudian. Is there a way to embrace (rather than try to bury) the exhilaration of beauty in a healthy way? This is what I'm working through.
     
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  3. Oneness

    Oneness Fapstronaut

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    Why is trying to control the excitement of seeing someone sexy against human nature? In reality I am the one thinking that she is sexy. At the end of the day the outer shell to ourselves (our bodies) is not who we are, you see someone "beautiful" (which isn't an objective thing) and it doesn't tell you anything major about that person, they are soooo much more than that. I don't want to gravitate to this being my automatic response but to see gorgeous women as people first. Once lust doesn't have it's hold on you, your perception changes and that's what i'm after: I want to change the way I see the world, this is my power, I can try and fix life and achieve varied success or I can adjust myself and be truly happy.

    To give you some background, I am a married man and am madly in love with my wife in every sense. I am not against sex at all it's a beautiful act if you treat it as such, I am just trying to be a better person and trying to use this energy to achieve my dreams.
     
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2016
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  4. six

    six Fapstronaut

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    I hear what you are saying about seeing the whole person rather than an object. But what about the person who deliberately puts her body on display with the intent of causing a reaction? And what if the reaction is fleeting excitement/admiration absent of any lust, acting out or clinging to the experience. I love my wife too, and despite all of this, am still very sexually attracted to her. I wonder if the two can co-exist in some sort of healthy way after I have distanced myself from the PMO, and more active voyeurism.
     
  5. Oneness

    Oneness Fapstronaut

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    If she puts on provocative clothing it doesn't mean anything. It's you that is putting the meaning to it, the lust is your choice, it is happening inside me. She may want to try and control you through your lust, but she needs your permission to do so. Remember to back when you were a child and male and female didn't matter, that's the state you want to return to (in terms of perception) for the most part. You are seeing life the way it is, not the way you are.
     
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  6. six

    six Fapstronaut

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    But when I was a child, I didn't have any libido. I'm mostly agreeing with you, about not letting it control you, but I cannot just shut it off, and I feel like suppressing it is unhealthy.
     
  7. zathura

    zathura Fapstronaut

    Admiration of beauty is a positive thing. I know there's a way to admire a person's beauty without objectifying or lusting. I've done it before, even had conversations with my wife about couples or people we see who are exceptionally attractive, and I don't think we're doing anything wrong by seeing that. Now when does that appreciation turn into lust? When does admiration cross the line? Intent and indulgence are part of it, but I don't think there's a magic formula. I've had experiences where I see an attractive woman and my thoughts are just pure admiration, and then other times where I instantaneously started lusting. This tells me that I am more vulnerable towards objectification and lust at different times, and it's more likely connected to my libido or my mental health at that given instance. By mental health I mean if I've been actively focused on guarding my mind, I'm less likely to have inappropriate thoughts. If I grow lazy and indulge in fantasy, my mind will go off in the wrong direction immediately.
    I don't really know how to distinguish the two. When I get feelings of lust, I can either indulge or suppress. When I suppress, what I'm doing is acknowledging that I'm lusting and then consciously focusing on something else until my feelings of lust either go away or calm down to a manageable level. When I start lusting, I also feel physical effects: arousal, increased heart rate, a dopamine rush. These feelings are exaggerated if I hadn't felt them in awhile, much in the same way I used to get "high" by smoking a cigarette if I hadn't smoked for a period of time. You mention when you suppress lust it returns and attacks you strongly. This will happen to me regardless of how I deal with the lust. My mind will latch onto something. I will then acknowledge it and refocus my mind, but the lust is still there. It's never a one and done deal for me. I will be constantly fighting it for a period of time until my mind lets go of it, and the reason is because for lust to work our minds have to indulge, commit, and focus on it.

    How we deal with beauty, attractive women, and lust will be different depending upon where we are in recovery. Right now, I'm at my weakest point. My brain is not rewired. I was burned by this just recently which is why I'm currently on day 5 and not day 16. In these early stages, when I see an attractive woman, my only defense is to avert my eyes and escape the situation using any means I can. I am rejecting the outside and part of the population, but this is healthy for me because I would much rather do that than let lust take hold of me in my weakness. However, I'm confident there will come a time when I'm not as vulnerable and I won't need to take such drastic actions. I can keep my head up and my confidence high because I will be stronger and my defenses will be deeply rooted in a mindset of recovery. I look forward to that day when I can be in control, but right now - I'm averting my eyes, and when I do, I count those as small victories that will help me win the war against lust and addiction.
     
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  8. Oneness

    Oneness Fapstronaut

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    In response to your assessment that indulgence and suppression are your only 2 available responses to lust I think is an effect of how high up in our lives we have put such a small part of us. I have personally found that the only way to deal with this isn't to fight it or struggle with it but accept it for 1. a part of myself to then 2. to make a choice to bypass it in light of all of knowing that the choice to indulge will have me happy for 4 seconds and miserable for weeks.

    I also find that when I get lazy too. This last time I vowed to not go back, I haven't and now i'm nearing 40 days. This time, I got sick and tired and being sick and tired so I made a firm decision. It's a false promise of pleasure that in reality takes all of the best of me, just like my addiction to weed.

    I think lust stays in a dormant state within you and can attack you at any time with no rhyme or reason. I also know that in these 40 odd days i've also started to be a much better person and that isn't worth giving up, for that 4 second issue.
     
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  9. slapdad jones

    slapdad jones Fapstronaut

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    This is an excellent conversation and I thank you all for your thoughts. Heres my two cents:
    We have all of us gotten to the point where who we see for the most part depending on your pleasure, we objectify. It happens at lightning speed and theres only one way I know to break this process and that is to avert the eyes and to focus deliberately at that moment on your breath, or your steps, or your conversation or whatever it is that stops that cycle from getting out of your control. I see something Id like to look at and stop and I can feel a loss inside. Its very curious to me, its very slight but it is a physical manifestation that I can actually feel. The only thing I can compare it to is walking down the sidewalk and seeing a five dollar bill laying there and passing it by. You think, man why didn't I pick up that fiver? But you move on. Its a silly thing but its as close an analogy as I can think of. Then you keep moving away and the feeling is gone.
    The more you do this, look away and keep moving forward, the stronger your resolve gets and the easier it gets to do. I can certainly appreciate a nice looking woman without wanting to explore all the things I love about them physically, but not for very long. I don't think that we will ever get to the place where that physical desire will be abated completely. I agree that that would go against our inherent nature. It is at once the blessing and the curse. There aren't any things out there that don't have a duality to them, and this is no different. But the work is hard and we must keep trying. What can you say? Somedays your stronger than others. The days your not are the days you have to try harder.
     
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  10. Oneness

    Oneness Fapstronaut

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    I had an epiphany tonight the discomfort or sense of loss we feel when we look away is actually us changing our mental structures, breaking cycles and taking back control. I lift weights and since i've been on NoFap and my testosterone and chemical balance is the best it's been, subsequently i'm in the best shape of my life. When you lift weights you are constantly stretching the barriers of your capability, your perception of yourself, your ability to deal with discomfort (this is why cold showers are work so well with depression), you take responsibility of how you feel, your limit to move through discomfort increases.
     
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