Surreal - my journey as the wife of an addict.

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by A new day, Nov 24, 2017.

  1. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. That’s definitely a thought I hadn’t considered. I’m going to dwell on that idea for awhile. I’ll probably have questions for you later.
     
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  2. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    I'll be on stand-by ma'am!
    ANH
     
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  3. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    So Im wondering how I will handle scenarios like flatlining. Do I prep him in advance? Do I just wait and see? It seems to me a man with PIED would have to be very committed to no PMO to see change. In order to be that committed he’d have to pretty sure no PMO is the answer.
     
  4. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Flatlining does not always happen. My husband is nearing 70 days and has never flatlined. I wouldn't bring it up unless it happens. No reason to overload him with unneccessary information if you don't have to.
     
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  5. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    Hi @blk45

    If you go down the softly softly route then the idea is that you avoid telling him too much about the journey he is embarking on, at least at the beginning. For example, you don't tell him - this is going to fix your ED. The one thing that makes ED worse is focussing on it - he could easily go from PIED straight to performance anxiety induced ED. The idea is that he quits porn temporarily as part of the experiment, because you asked him to, and then discovers for himself after a while that his ED is improving. If all goes to plan, at the end of the two months he looks back and it is obvious to him how much better things have become and HE wants to hang onto those gains. He loves the new sex life with you and the better connection it brings and the fact he is able to perform and doesn't want to slip back into old ways. At that point what you want is for him to realise that porn was part of the problem and volunteer to quit for good. If he is wavering, then you could do some research together and 'discover' just how prevalent porn addiction and PIED are, to help him join the dots.

    This plan does have its downsides, I'll be the first to point out:
    • It may fall at the first hurdle - he may not go with your suggestion
    • As you say, he may not be committed enough to quitting PMO not to cheat in the early days when the urges hit him.
    • You'll have a hidden agenda and, in some ways, be manipulating him - not usually the best way to run a marriage
    • For the two months, you'll be trying to give him a great sex life to show him what he has been missing. This could be viewed as your 'competing with porn' which is not a healthy mindset for an SO to be in.
    • It is possible that even if he doesn't cheat, his PIED may not improve dramatically enough in the two months for him to see the benefit and he might conclude that giving up porn didn't make a difference so he might as well go back to it.
    So success is by no means guaranteed, and whether you go for it is, of course, up to you. But it does represent a third alternative to reluctant acceptance vs outright confrontation.

    Still on standby for further questions :)

    ANH
     
  6. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    Wow. Great insights. Thank you. A lot more to consider.
     
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  7. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    I find myself moving from the initial numbness, confusion and depression into anger. It’s emotional progress. I’m glad to see it. It means I’m closer to a place that I can speak from love and peace. It also means I need to take care now. I could easily take action in my anger which I don’t believe would produce the results I want. I intend to let myself feel everything about this and then take action according to the commitments I’ve made to the Lord, myself, my husband, my marriage, my children, my family, and by extension my place in the world. I believe the bravery it takes to be authentic inspired the world to heal.
     
  8. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    Wow this helped me. The idea of this problem being a matter of negotiation, communication and truth might be giving me yet more courage.

    Please listen to it.
     
  9. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    I almost feel a bit self indulgent posting here so much. But this situation is bringing me into a higher state of awareness and has put me back in touch with some of the things that helped me heal years ago. It’s also renewed my pursuit of my spirit, the Lord, and my purpose.

    I prayed and prayed for that to happen. Who could have thought that a difficult situation like this could have relit the fire in my heart and drawn my out of my isolation.

    I know we partners and PA’s are in massive pain and struggle. But there’s a higher purpose and reason behind it all. I know this in my guts.
     
  10. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I understand completely.

    Romans 5:3,4
    " 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. "
     
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  11. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    Exactly! And this:

    Romans 8:28
    And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
     
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  12. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    I’m just ouch today. I just hurt. I’m having all these imaginary conversations with him in my head. I can hardly say a word in reality. I don’t want to get consumed by this.
     
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  13. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Get out... Of the house.
    Go get your nails done.
    Get distracted.
    Focus on You.
     
  14. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    I mean really. How do I not want to just shred him with my words? How is there anyway to live like this? It’s not just the porn it’s the overspending, then overworking, the face constantly looking at the iPhone, the hoarding of stuff we don’t need.

    I’ve gotten myself into a real mess. And if I’m honest all the signs were there.

    Oh Lord what now? Is there any hope?
     
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  15. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    I know you are right. But there’s no money. He makes tons more than I ever did but now he spends it all and then some.
     
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  16. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    My dad wanted my mom to abort me. Their marriage sucked. Only married because she was pregnant with my brother. I wish she had. I wish I had never been born. I don’t know what foolish hope possessed me to believe there could ever be a way I didn’t get with a self destructive man who would destroy me too. That’s all I’ve ever done. And my poor children. They don’t deserve this. I hate him. He married me knowing he had all these problems. He put me in the middle of his shit. And worst is I knew it but I minimized it. I chose this for myself and my girls. What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I hate myself so much?
     
  17. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I know exactly how you feel.
    I do.
    You can get out. Trust me.
    What do you want?
     
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  18. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    I want proof that it’s even worth trying. I want to know if God really exists. I want know if this isn’t all just a big cosmic fucking joke. I want to know if I’m broken beyond repair. Is happiness even a real thing? Or just so illusion we made up to keep breathing?

    I knew this world was fucked beyond repair. It’s one reason I never wanted children. I felt it was cruel to bring them into all this hopelessness.

    I don’t want to be a fucking puppet. I don’t want to be a doormat. I want to be cherished and respected.

    My deepest fear is that I’m an unloveable loser. Times like this I believe it.
     
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  19. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    All valid.
    But if you are looking for God... I'm a Druid.
    I'll give you the universe, but I don't believe in "god" and he's never been of help to me.
    I know that religion has helped many people here tho.
    Mine, however, has also taken me this far.
    You really just have to believe in you.
    Nobody else.
    This is about you.
    Faith in you.
     
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  20. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    Attention all you self absorbed addicts. This is what you do to the people you are supposed to love. You make them question whether it’s even worth taking another breath. You steal joy. You steal hope. You make scars and open, bleeding, festering fucking wounds.

    Drop your dicks and get a life. Stop ruining yourself and the people who love. Take your hand off the button that is going to blow up everything. Enough. Enough. Damn it!
     

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