Problem: I need to stop hinging my recovery on his recovery, behavior or thoughts. I should spend all this energy helping myself heal. I CAN figure out how to let go without completely disassociating. Here’s what happens, I think. I don’t trust him to be handling it. I don’t trust his sincerity or level of effort. I want to control the outcome of all this. I want to control the outcome of my life. I want a hedge against uncertainty I want a hedge against being taken advantage of and feeling foolish SO..I could accomplish this by just completely withdrawing from him or leaving him. That would fix all those things. BUT…I love him and want to stay married to him so I need to take responsibility. Someone does. Therefore I … check up on him. Monitor him Question him Worry all the time Ruminate about what has happened and what he’s doing Ruminate on what he’s thinking, REALLY thinking. If I don’t have reliable or believable information, I supply my own best guess. I try to control his triggers and my own by not leaving him alone. I try to get information , get information, get information. I feel that information will somehow help me understand what to do. I need a constantly updated string of information in order to constantly be building a case for myself in order to give me “more control”. I read everything I can get my hands on in order to learn about his addictions and disorders so that I can “help’ him, or is it so I can control his recovery? See above about me not trusting him to do it. I moderate my own behavior, stuff my own feelings, ignore my own needs for fear of jeopardizing his receptiveness to recovery (ie trying to manage his feelings and reactions by not giving him anthing to react against) I am trying to force something to come out my way and no matter how much I intellectually know that this is impossible, part of me can’t believe it. One reason for not believing is that I have had some measure of success with this long-game approach. It was through this approach that I have : discovered his lies and behaviors (the ones I know about) brought him around to the realization that he has serious problems. led him to come up with measures to start dealing with his behaviors gotten him to understand facts about the human toll of pornography, objectification and dehumanization and to define what he has been doing as such gotten him to understand (at least on some level) that he is a 63 year old man and no longer a 19 year old boy for whom the teenagers he ogles are peers etc So there have been positive developments that are 100% due to me and my intervention. These very real gains are what make it so hard to stop. Argh!