Hmmm. Yes. I have been posting a lot more than usual and spending more time reading other journals (yours included!) as I do some deep dives and introspection and look for insight from addicts that might help me come to terms with difficult things. Nofap has been SO HELPFUL. A year ago, I never thought I'd be a part of a place like this - never dreamed there WERE places like this. But some of the people and ideas here really impress me. So, on to your questions (btw - I love this kind of thing - seems I'm always the one asking, but when I get asked, I find it so helpful to my thinking process.) 1) He makes reference to deep, old pain and says that it manifests in the following (among other things): intense fear of abandonment; fear of rejection, (which usually goes like this - fear that he is defective, fear that his sexual desire is somehow harmful and destructive); fear of unworthiness; conviction that a real relationship with close connection is not possible for him, but because he has a deep desire for one, he engages in constant "searching" for another partner; fear that he damaged like his father. But here's the rub. He cannot come up with any single, big event or trauma that is an obvious source of the pain. It's damned frustrating, as I (and he) would love to have a tidy explanation. He has also discovered and reported a long-time hatred (his word) of women. But my observations of his behavior are that he is DESPERATE for the attention and approval of women, particularly and creepily those aged 14-22 or so. In fact, I have a belief that he "sees" himself as being that age also. He is a compulsive flirt, show-off, etc. He has a standard behavior, which I refer to as his "vaudeville routine". In ANY interaction with a girl, casual or not, he will instantly launch into an animated, arms-waving "I just flew in from Cleveland, and boy are my arms tired!" kind of showing off. The poor girl, usually a store or desk clerk who has been trained and socialized to laugh politely at the jokes of old men, will laugh nervously and back away a couple of steps. And that nervous laugh (which I think he interprets as returned interest) will convince him that he should turn the whole thing up to 11. It is goddamned embarrassing for everyone involved. But I digress... His background = Only child, father (alcoholic) abandons family for secretary when husband is about 3 years old, mother leaves him in day care while she returns to school for a teaching degree in order to support them. Husband is a bookish, non-athletic boy who is bullied in elementary school, but moves, then does better in junior high and high school. His first reported sexual dysfunction is at age 15, when he repeatedly molests a 9 year old cousin (this is something that came out for the first time about 7 months ago, during the Mother of All Disclosures), father dies of cirrhosis when husband is 20 and has not seen him for about 10 years. So what is the pain? Who knows? There are plenty of likely candidates - abandonment by father, let's just say "odd" relationship with mother, bullying, "misfitness". Later traumas may have contributed, but I think the early offense points to a childhood trauma. He was good and disturbed by age 15. He remembers no sexual abuse. He has related to me his first masturbation experience, which seems pretty vanilla. So..??? He claims to still be "looking" for the trauma, but I suspect it is either a bunch of small stuff (which you described so well recently in your journal) or a really HUGE thing that he has blocked. He has shown an AMAZING capacity to block or distort things that happened in his past. I have spoken to a few of his close relatives who know about his addiction and the differences between his recounting of events and theirs is truly impressive. 2)MY parents? I'll trust that this is not a typo and go with it. My parents married when my mom was 18 and my dad 20. I came along about a year later, so I was raised by children. My dad was/is very authoritative with his kids and with my mom. Lots of physical punishment for the kids (it was 50 years ago in the south), but I never saw him strike my mom and don't think he did. He was and is an asshole. I grew up watching him belittle, bully, and embarrass my mom at home and in public. This was usually done fairly subtly, but I recognized it even as a kid. Growing up, I watched her silently cry in the car on the way home from events many times. He was the King of the Household. I spent most of my time just trying to escape his notice. My mother was afraid of him and never intervened when he got physical with my brother and I. So as a kid and to this day, I think of my mom more as another child in the family than as a parent. Sad. I think she sees him as kind of a father figure. He drives her everywhere, she always does whatever he wants to do, she defers to him in almost everything. How does he see her? Funny thing is that I believe he thinks of himself as a devoted husband and family man, who is kind of burdened by a simpleton of a wife, but who will do the right thing by her out of a sense of moral obligation. I honestly don't think he ever cheated on her and he was an unfailingly good provider who never spent a lot of money on himself. So, a long but dysfunctional marriage probably not a lot different from many originating in that time and place. Whew! Is that the kind of thing you were looking for?