Susannah's Going to Stop Trying to Control Things .....Tomorrow

[Susannah]

Your thoughts will be valuable to others. You also make me more grateful for my wife's forgiveness. Honestly, in our case it might have more to do with looking toward a "forever" marriage in heaven, because it could be harder than it is worth for just the 'Til Death Do We Part aspect.

p.s. Your sense of humor is also a light in darkness, especially given the weight of that darkness. Hang in there and we all wish you well!

Thanks for the kind words. I think my sense of humor has saved me from despair many times.
I’ve also been thinking about this line – “ You also make me more grateful for my wife's forgiveness." Interestingly, my ex has also expressed his gratitude for my forgiveness, even though our situations ended very differently to yours. All of this has prompted some musings on the topic of forgiveness, a concept I admit I’ve always been a little fuzzy on.

So, to start with, some questions:
What is forgiveness exactly? Is it the complete and permanent absence of anger or resentment surrounding a person or event?

How does one know when forgiveness has been achieved? When anger and resentment no longer come up when we think of or are around the one who hurt us?

Can it be actively chosen? The literature often makes it seem like a choice, but I’m not sure. It’s one thing to tell oneself to “forgive”, but quite another to experience an authentic feeling of forgiveness. How does one direct the development of an authentic feeling? Or is that what we are, in fact, always doing?

Does forgiveness spontaneously develop over time? People often say you have to be “ready” to forgive. What does the process of getting “ready” look like?

Can one forgive, yet still feel angry about the harm that was done? Or is lack of anger definitional? Can you stop feeling angry at the offender, yet still feel angry about what they did?

Is forgiveness all its cracked up to be? We often hear that “you must forgive for your own sake” or that we can’t “move on” until we do. But is that true? Feelings of anger, outrage, injustice at an injury are most definitely unpleasant for the experiencer, but they can also be evidence that one values oneself.

Is it possible for an SO to "pre-forgive" or "batch" forgiveness for efficiency sake? Because with an addict, the opportunities to forgive are relentless. One scarcely has time to forgive lie #336, before lie #337 arrives. Or you barely have time to forgive him for openly staring at your best girlfriend's breasts, when you have start forgiving him for almost rear-ending the car in front of you because he was ogling the girls at the junior high school bus stop. How can one possibly keep up?

I go back and forth on these questions, but for me, forgiveness always seems to involve compassion. I find that if I can understand and truly accept that the injury done has, at its root, some pain or error existing in the offender, compassion shortly follows. This “feels” like forgiveness to me. However, I admit I do still have feelings of anger and resentment. The things done to me were wrong, should not have happened, and I’m angry about them. So, I am prepared to consider that I am “doing” forgiveness wrong. But I also don’t really see the problem in that. I don’t feel anger or resentment when I think of, see, or talk to my ex and I feel lots of compassion for him. This illness has caused him so much pain and torment for so many decades. My heart goes out to him AND I’m pretty furious that he let that stuff spill all over me and so many others. But I don’t think this state of affairs is holding me back in any way.

Any wisdom out there?

 

[Susannah]

It's so good to hear from you, Susannah. It's sobering, humbling, but also encouraging. After a year of your absence I thought - "Yeah, that makes sense. She's moved on from sexual addiction. Why keep coming back here and bathing in it any longer?" Regarding forgiveness, I agree: you cannot keep letting go of offenses AS they keep relentlessly and ceaselessly coming in. The offense must be over. It must stop so you have a chance to process how it affected you. Otherwise, how can you "let go of anger?" I suppose by distancing yourself from him, ending the relationship, and being on your own his "acting out" (in his own home, away from you, who is no longer his wife) will no longer have the same damaging affect on your self-worth. Perhaps only in that situation you would find a way over time to surrender to what is, without it tearing you up inside - without taking his addiction personally. As for the bitterness over lost time and lost self-worth ... the injury will leave scars that never go away. But the wound itself can heal.

How wonderful to hear from you! Thanks so much for posting! And I truly appreciate your thoughts on forgiveness. "The offense must be over." That makes sense to me.
I'll make a point of checking in on your journal soon to see how you're doing. I have thought of you and others here often over the last year. I especially love that funny post you made that nails marital arguments perfectly. Seriously - somebody needs to make a short film out of that!

 

[Susannah]

Well, here I am again! Since stopping in a couple of weeks ago, things are just popping into my head kind of randomly. It’s okay – it’s my journal and it seems I had some more to say, so I might as well get it out. So last night I found myself thinking about “lessons learned” from my addiction experience. Some were lessons I could have gone my whole life without knowing, thank you very much. But others might come in handy in the future. Here, I think, is one of the more important ones : From the beginning I underestimated the awesome (in the archaic sense of the word) power of compartmentalization. This is important because this phenomenon was the source of so much confusion and denial for me. The front my husband presented when we met was so strong, morally upright, intelligent, progressive, sensitive, and so genuinely sweet and loving that there was no way I could avoid falling in love with him. But thrown in with those very real qualities was a box that contained other, less loveable, things that somehow didn’t fit at all with the rest of him and that he could not see clearly. They seemed to function without any input from, and in direct contradiction to, the values he exhibited in all other areas of his life. As I began to make discoveries, draw lines between things, and stop silencing my own intuition, I became very confused. I struggled for a long time to reconcile, because I didn’t know about the magic of compartmentalization, that he could be all those lovely things, AND also be a very sick man.
In a clinical way, it was fascinating to watch how the process worked. I began to see that compartmentalization didn’t work alone. It was backed up by other strategies, like denial and minimization. I watched as he slowly started to see and admit the things that the boxed up parts were capable of, then watched denial step in to tell him that those behaviors weren’t actually harmful acting out, but just innocent misunderstandings. (“It’s not voyeurism – I just like people-watching.” “I’m not cyber-stalking her. She (insert 15 year old girl’s name here) and I are Facebook friends!”) And when he finally began to realize that those things weren’t innocent misunderstandings, but real offenses, minimization stepped in to protect him from the realization of how seriously harmful those things were. (“My four hour a night porn habit never kept me from being a good father.” “The things I’ve done aren’t that bad compared to ‘fill in the blank.’” I have also watched him break down and sob when all those protective strategies were removed and he had to look at the reality of his behaviors and thoughts. And I’ve seen him go through that hell and simply refuse to live there, reinstating some or all of the strategies in order to sleep at night. Sad, but not surprising, since avoiding pain at all costs is how he ended up an SA in the first place.

Of course, I didn’t always have such a clear picture of how the whole system worked, and until I did, his ability to box up (and not see) the addict part of himself also proved to be a major source of cognitive dissonance for me, ultimately eroding my confidence in my own mind. As his illness was slowly revealed to me, I denied it, ignored my intuition, explained it away, blamed myself for it, etc, because I simply could not fathom how the man I knew was capable of the things he did. So glad all that’s over now. It was hell.

Of course, we all have the awesome power of compartmentalization available to us. I certainly don’t think I’m exempt. Knowing what I know now, I often wonder about and try to listen for clues about what isn’t in alignment within me. And perhaps proving that Kraut rock is good for something, it makes me think of that irresistible old Can song, Vitamin C, from the early 70s - the line that says, “She is living in and out of tune.” Actually, he might be saying, “She is living out of tune.” The lyric works for me works for me either way.

 

[Susannah]

So, I thought I'd do a little update on how my ex is doing now. I actually think he’s doing better. I think the spitting incident and my reaction to it persuaded him to take things seriously. Maybe. What I do know is that after that, he got serious about calling one of the therapists (this time a male) I had found for him the previous year, and has been seeing him once a week. I insisted on being in on the initial call to the therapist because I had no confidence that he would be truthful. If I hadn’t been there to inform the therapist about the addiction, I think my husband would have said that he was having marital problems or something equally misleading. So I laid it out for the therapist on the phone, in detail. I was in no mood to pull any punches. This was a very difficult experience for my husband, but afterward he expressed gratitude. (As an aside, this reminds me of a post by an SO whose name I have long since forgotten (sorry!) whose husband finally agreed to marital counseling with her, on the condition that under no circumstances would his sex addiction be revealed to the therapist. Ahem.)

So he’s still seeing the therapist and says he’s making progress. And as I’ve said before, I still care about my ex and don’t turn him away when he wants to talk. It just has to be in a neutral, public place, like walking outside. I won’t be in an enclosed space with him. He has apologized repeatedly and seems truly remorseful. And he’s not a monster – I believe he is capable of remorse. He emails me links to anti-porn articles, gives me progress reports, keeps making disclosures, and generally makes noises that certainly make it sound as if he’s seen some light. I sincerely hope that is the case, because he (and others around him) have suffered long enough. But I’ll never know. Because, (listen up SOs!) he’s a manipulator and a liar. And on the subject of lying and addicts, I have come to the following conclusion, at least where it concerns my husband. For a long time, I saw the lying as just another part of the addiction, but my ideas have changed a bit. I think for some people, defensive deception is a general trait they develop somewhere along the way, (probably early) and it gets called into the service of the addiction. But it also comes up with non-addiction things – strange things. I came to realize that he lied any time he thought there was the potential that allowing the truth would cause someone to disapprove of him. This would drive him to lie about the most seemingly inconsequential things. Eventually I began to understand this as him being terrified of shame and judgment and then I was able to develop a lot of compassion for him. But what an awful way to live! He will definitely need to tackle the lying separately from the addiction. I wish him success, but I will never trust what he says again.

Overall, things look fairly hopeful, and I do want the best for him. I believe that no person is beyond redemption. Of course, he thinks he’s performing an Herculean effort, but I know that he has yet to really reach the starting line, because he is not yet ready to accept full accountability. Here's what I mean.

We’ve done lots of exploring and work together surrounding his addiction. He always loved exploring his pain or possible sources of pain. But whenever the moment would come for him to look at his actions and think about what was driving those actions, he would shut down and say, “I’m not able to think about that.” or “I do it because of the pain!” And I’d say, “Okay, go on….” But that’s where it would end. He would usually get angry, divert, or just shut down. Anything that involved him seriously contemplating and discussing an actual action that he had performed, was off the table, even if he wasn’t denying having done the thing. Here’s a real example: Situation – I discovered that he had 183 photos on his phone of three different teenage girls (ranging in age from 14-17) in his daughter’s ballet class. Yes, that’s right. I said 183 zoomed in / close up photos. When I first brought it up to him, he denied that it was a problem, claiming, “I just did it because they have really interesting technique.” Then I pointed out that the photos were taken either while the girls were standing still, waiting in line or while they were sitting on the floor before or after class. Then he admitted, “Okay, I see that my excuse is bullshit.” Then I asked if he could remember how he was feeling while he took the photos or how he has felt when looking at them later. He said, “I don’t want to think about myself that way.” , and said he didn’t know. When I didn’t allow that and just kept calmly refocusing, he shut down and refused to talk anymore. This was typical. When faced with the prospect of actually thinking about his behavior, he would resort to diversionary tactics like crying or blaming me or something – anything – to take the focus off his behavior. Similarly, when I finally got to the point in our timeline when I could begin telling him about the pain and other consequences his behavior caused me, he would invariably try to redirect. Now, after lots of work, he admits that he simply can’t stand to think about the pain he’s caused. I believe that, but I also believe in the truth and reconciliation process, where victims’ experiences are listened to and acknowledged by perpetrators.

So, I don’t know when or if he will ever get there. I’m not even sure what “there” is for him. At a minimum, I hope he can stop doing harm in the world. And of course, when I think of how our culture supports and reinforces his behaviors, I am sobered by what a tall order that alone is. I also believe he is truly suffering and I’d like to see that internal damage stop, too.

 

[vxlccm]

Thanks for taking the time to post. Just wanted to say that there really shouldn't be any 'culture' supporting unfaithful or predatory behaviors. It's a truly sad statement about society when shared understanding of morality is no longer something that supports what were your desires for a loving marriage. Hopefully you find ways to feel part of a safe environment without lurking dangers of systemic problems tearing down your aspirations. p.s. Your continued contact with your ex speaks volumes about your strength and your goodness. While hardly necessary, it does prove who you are, hopefully not least to yourself.

 

[Susannah]

there really shouldn't be any 'culture' supporting unfaithful or predatory behaviors.

I agree and wish there weren’t, but support for these behaviors saturates our culture. For example, in my last post I recounted the incident with my husband’s photographing the girls in the ballet class. His dehumanizing, predatory relationship toward these girls did not spontaneously develop in him. He learned to fetishize young girls and to think he was somehow “entitled” to consume them from practically every fairy tale ever, popular and folk music going back hundreds of years, the most highly regarded fine art painting and sculpture, advertising, advertising and more advertising, and eventually, but I’d argue not even primarily, pornography.

As for lurking dangers of systemic problems tearing down my aspirations - Oh, how I wish the dangers merely lurked! Instead, I see them as so prominent in our world as to be practically unnoticeable - I guess except to those of us now blessed with hyper-vigilance. My experience has brought home to me that I must make my own safe environment by limiting my inputs and by adjusting or eliminating my previous aspirations.

And thank you for the kind words. I spend a lot of time fighting internal voices that disagree with your assessment of my character, but most days I do think I’m a very empathetic person with a strong moral compass. The former has helped me develop compassion for him (I have some idea of the depth of his suffering) and the latter has kept me committed to being a resource for him, albeit in a more limited way than before. He really has no one else, having now lost a second wife (me), alienated his children, and lost contact with co-workers after being laid off in the wake of Covid. I assure you there is no savior complex happening here, but I just don’t have the stomach to throw him away. He’s a human being and one that I once loved very much. I know I am emotionally strong enough now to interact with him safely so I’ll keep trying.

 

[Susannah]

I don’t know how long I’ll do it, but it’s so nice to be writing here again! It feels as if I’m clearing things out of my head or something. I never would have expected it. Today I have been thinking about how my perspectives on so many things changed after my immersion in the SA world. One thing is that I am now hyper-aware of portrayals of addiction in art. For example, I have seen the old Fritz Lang film, “M” (1931) many times, but I recently re-watched it. I was struck by how much more chilling it was post-addiction, and how much more appreciative I was of Peter Lore’s performance as the child murderer. There is a particular scene that keeps creeping into my head – Lore’s character is standing in front of a shop plate glass window, casually looking at the goods on display. Everything is relaxed and “normal”. Suddenly, a little girl steps into the frame. Lore sees her reflection in the glass and his entire demeanor changes. His gaze “snaps” to attention and he focuses on her. He is like a cat noticing the sudden rustling of a mouse in the grass. In an instant, he transforms from a casual window shopper to a predator. This is a thing I saw so many times with my husband. He would be walking down the street, sitting in a restaurant, anywhere really, when prey in the form of a girl or woman would enter the scene. Just like Lore, even if that woman was just entering his peripheral vision or was partly obscured by an object, he would “snap” into predator mode and everything about his posture, expression, and movement would change. It was chilling to watch him become a different person. This would be followed by a compulsion to keep looking. It wasn’t as if he was staring without knowing it. On some level (maybe sub-conscious) he knew, because he would try (and fail) to be surreptitious about it. I once watched him struggle desperately with this compulsion for two straight hours in an airport. That incident taught me a lot about ogling, namely, ogling isn’t just about biology or the normal response of “noticing attractive women”. It can be a very complex set of behaviors that have been developed, cultivated, and practiced so that they evolve into a predator/prey relationship with targets in your environment. Seeing a person, noticing they are attractive, then wanting to look at them, even stare at them, is a very different phenomenon than training your brain to be constantly and sub-consciously scanning your environment for targets that fit into certain parameters; locking in on those targets when they are detected; staring, tracking, following, even triangulating your position in order to maintain your view of them; transforming them into a fantasy object; and more. THIS, among other things, is ogling and I think people who haven’t experienced this tend to minimize it. But there is nothing “normal” about that behavior. This kind of “noticing” is created and practiced, and disordered, and is not innate.

 

[RUNDMC]

Wondering if she's still babysitting this monster.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

Wondering if she's still babysitting this monster.

She left him. I think about a year ago..

 

[RUNDMC]

Yes, but she continued to babysit him afterwards.

 

[Susannah]

Well, I haven’t written anything here for over a year but I still check in from time to time. When I do, I see mostly new names but the same old problems. Not surprising, but depressing.

Since RUNDMC (Hello, old friend – hope you’re well!) has expressed some curiosity about whether I’m still babysitting, and Psalm kindly responded to a query in this journal while I was being inattentive, I thought I’d leave an update. It’s also good to have this record, I guess.

Things are going very well for me. I’m no longer babysitting my ex, although from time to time I see him at family events to which we are both invited. We always talk at those events. He also emails and texts pretty frequently, although it has been a long time since I’ve been the first to reach out. He gives me addiction updates and claims to be doing much better. If it’s true, I’m glad, but I know he is not a good judge of how he’s really doing, or even what he is doing. One shocking thing is that he has not remarried. After all, being a 67 year old adolescent, he needs a mother, and given that there seem to be women lined up to marry older men, it’s something I expected that would happen almost immediately. But not so far.

How about me? I am certainly not remarried. Not in the cards for me. I don’t even date. Haha – I’m still squeamish just shaking hands with a man, having learned from this site (and experience) that they probably just finished masturbating in a public toilet or their car. When I first separated from my ex and again, after COVID restrictions started to loosen up I was approached three or four times by single men. Three asked me out – one seemed to want to. I didn’t actually go on any dates, though. All four men were much older than I am and I have yet to be asked out by a man within 10 years of my own age. Of course we know from endless studies that men target women much younger than themselves, but I still found it gross to be in the middle of this phenomenon. It’s not that I have anything against men older than myself, or even that I find them less attractive. It’s that I find the inequality offensive. Where are all the men, who like me, are in their late 50s? Asking out 40 year old women, that’s where. Anyway, it’s all okay. I’m really loving being alone. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.

So what am I doing? Lots. I’m doing my usual camping, hiking, kayaking, gardening. I really like being outside. I’ve also picked up my volunteer work again – not to my previous levels, but 75%. My general health is great. My fitness level is back to where it was before D-Day all those years ago and I feel very energetic. As for my mental health, I’m afraid I still have challenges there. The PTSD persists, although it’s lessening. It’s easy to look back and beat myself up for not leaving at the first hint of a problem. Staying with him in the belief that the problem could be fixed resulted in what amounts to a giant self-inflicted wound, so I spend a lot of time trying to come to terms with what I did to myself. I also battle with bitterness quite a bit. I carry a lot of anger, not as much any more from my personal history with addiction, but from the misogyny that underlies it. But, in general, the difference in the quality of my life post-husband is hard to overstate. So for those looking for words of encouragement, I can provide them. There is life after the garbage you have been handed!

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

Well, I haven’t written anything here for over a year but I still check in from time to time. When I do, I see mostly new names but the same old problems. Not surprising, but depressing.

Since RUNDMC (Hello, old friend – hope you’re well!) has expressed some curiosity about whether I’m still babysitting, and Psalm kindly responded to a query in this journal while I was being inattentive, I thought I’d leave an update. It’s also good to have this record, I guess.

Things are going very well for me. I’m no longer babysitting my ex, although from time to time I see him at family events to which we are both invited. We always talk at those events. He also emails and texts pretty frequently, although it has been a long time since I’ve been the first to reach out. He gives me addiction updates and claims to be doing much better. If it’s true, I’m glad, but I know he is not a good judge of how he’s really doing, or even what he is doing. One shocking thing is that he has not remarried. After all, being a 67 year old adolescent, he needs a mother, and given that there seem to be women lined up to marry older men, it’s something I expected that would happen almost immediately. But not so far.

How about me? I am certainly not remarried. Not in the cards for me. I don’t even date. Haha – I’m still squeamish just shaking hands with a man, having learned from this site (and experience) that they probably just finished masturbating in a public toilet or their car. When I first separated from my ex and again, after COVID restrictions started to loosen up I was approached three or four times by single men. Three asked me out – one seemed to want to. I didn’t actually go on any dates, though. All four men were much older than I am and I have yet to be asked out by a man within 10 years of my own age. Of course we know from endless studies that men target women much younger than themselves, but I still found it gross to be in the middle of this phenomenon. It’s not that I have anything against men older than myself, or even that I find them less attractive. It’s that I find the inequality offensive. Where are all the men, who like me, are in their late 50s? Asking out 40 year old women, that’s where. Anyway, it’s all okay. I’m really loving being alone. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.

So what am I doing? Lots. I’m doing my usual camping, hiking, kayaking, gardening. I really like being outside. I’ve also picked up my volunteer work again – not to my previous levels, but 75%. My general health is great. My fitness level is back to where it was before D-Day all those years ago and I feel very energetic. As for my mental health, I’m afraid I still have challenges there. The PTSD persists, although it’s lessening. It’s easy to look back and beat myself up for not leaving at the first hint of a problem. Staying with him in the belief that the problem could be fixed resulted in what amounts to a giant self-inflicted wound, so I spend a lot of time trying to come to terms with what I did to myself. I also battle with bitterness quite a bit. I carry a lot of anger, not as much any more from my personal history with addiction, but from the misogyny that underlies it. But, in general, the difference in the quality of my life post-husband is hard to overstate. So for those looking for words of encouragement, I can provide them. There is life after the garbage you have been handed!

So good to hear your update! Everything you write is sadly true. It’s not surprising you haven’t dated or remarried. Once you’ve been through this, the desire to deeply connect and be with a man disappears for many of us. Ironically, I’ve had the same but opposite experience-much younger men flirting and hitting on me. Men my daughters age. What do you think I think? I’m definitely not flattered. I think oh, wow, he’s into porn with mom/son fetish. The pool boy,(25) went to school with my oldest daughter and son. I felt bad when he hit on me in front of my girls! I explained to them just how messed up it was and why I believed he was so interested in me. Then of course the much older men. Yeah right, why would you think I have any interest in you? You’re 25 years older than me.
I do want to say, there is no shame in staying and trying to make a marriage work. You say you should’ve left at the first hint of a problem. I have mentioned before that we are put in an almost impossible situation when it comes to this. On one hand we are told “ why didn’t you leave sooner, don’t you have any respect for yourself? You should’ve left the very first time you knew something was wrong”
On the other hand “ why didn’t you try harder? People just give up on marriage too soon, they don’t understand what commitment means, all marriages are hard. Did you try counseling? It’s just porn, all men do it. He’s a great guy, are you insecure? Controlling? Too needy?”
I could go on and on. It is admirable to try and stay true to what, for many, is a sacred promise. It is just as admirable to be able to acknowledge that you held your promise but can’t live with the partner incapable of keeping theirs. I’m so glad you are thriving! Studies also show single women are far happier than married women. That divorced or widowed women marry at a lessor rate than men. Everyone has to decide what is best for them. It looks different for each of us.

 

[Queenie%Bee]

Well, I haven’t written anything here for over a year but I still check in from time to time. When I do, I see mostly new names but the same old problems. Not surprising, but depressing.

Since RUNDMC (Hello, old friend – hope you’re well!) has expressed some curiosity about whether I’m still babysitting, and Psalm kindly responded to a query in this journal while I was being inattentive, I thought I’d leave an update. It’s also good to have this record, I guess.

Things are going very well for me. I’m no longer babysitting my ex, although from time to time I see him at family events to which we are both invited. We always talk at those events. He also emails and texts pretty frequently, although it has been a long time since I’ve been the first to reach out. He gives me addiction updates and claims to be doing much better. If it’s true, I’m glad, but I know he is not a good judge of how he’s really doing, or even what he is doing. One shocking thing is that he has not remarried. After all, being a 67 year old adolescent, he needs a mother, and given that there seem to be women lined up to marry older men, it’s something I expected that would happen almost immediately. But not so far.

How about me? I am certainly not remarried. Not in the cards for me. I don’t even date. Haha – I’m still squeamish just shaking hands with a man, having learned from this site (and experience) that they probably just finished masturbating in a public toilet or their car. When I first separated from my ex and again, after COVID restrictions started to loosen up I was approached three or four times by single men. Three asked me out – one seemed to want to. I didn’t actually go on any dates, though. All four men were much older than I am and I have yet to be asked out by a man within 10 years of my own age. Of course we know from endless studies that men target women much younger than themselves, but I still found it gross to be in the middle of this phenomenon. It’s not that I have anything against men older than myself, or even that I find them less attractive. It’s that I find the inequality offensive. Where are all the men, who like me, are in their late 50s? Asking out 40 year old women, that’s where. Anyway, it’s all okay. I’m really loving being alone. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.

So what am I doing? Lots. I’m doing my usual camping, hiking, kayaking, gardening. I really like being outside. I’ve also picked up my volunteer work again – not to my previous levels, but 75%. My general health is great. My fitness level is back to where it was before D-Day all those years ago and I feel very energetic. As for my mental health, I’m afraid I still have challenges there. The PTSD persists, although it’s lessening. It’s easy to look back and beat myself up for not leaving at the first hint of a problem. Staying with him in the belief that the problem could be fixed resulted in what amounts to a giant self-inflicted wound, so I spend a lot of time trying to come to terms with what I did to myself. I also battle with bitterness quite a bit. I carry a lot of anger, not as much any more from my personal history with addiction, but from the misogyny that underlies it. But, in general, the difference in the quality of my life post-husband is hard to overstate. So for those looking for words of encouragement, I can provide them. There is life after the garbage you have been handed!

So happy to hear you are doing well !! I’m in and out too . It’s a great place to feel supported without judgment ( mostly

 

[happenstance]

Well, I haven’t written anything here for over a year but I still check in from time to time. When I do, I see mostly new names but the same old problems. Not surprising, but depressing.

Since RUNDMC (Hello, old friend – hope you’re well!) has expressed some curiosity about whether I’m still babysitting, and Psalm kindly responded to a query in this journal while I was being inattentive, I thought I’d leave an update. It’s also good to have this record, I guess.

Things are going very well for me. I’m no longer babysitting my ex, although from time to time I see him at family events to which we are both invited. We always talk at those events. He also emails and texts pretty frequently, although it has been a long time since I’ve been the first to reach out. He gives me addiction updates and claims to be doing much better. If it’s true, I’m glad, but I know he is not a good judge of how he’s really doing, or even what he is doing. One shocking thing is that he has not remarried. After all, being a 67 year old adolescent, he needs a mother, and given that there seem to be women lined up to marry older men, it’s something I expected that would happen almost immediately. But not so far.

How about me? I am certainly not remarried. Not in the cards for me. I don’t even date. Haha – I’m still squeamish just shaking hands with a man, having learned from this site (and experience) that they probably just finished masturbating in a public toilet or their car. When I first separated from my ex and again, after COVID restrictions started to loosen up I was approached three or four times by single men. Three asked me out – one seemed to want to. I didn’t actually go on any dates, though. All four men were much older than I am and I have yet to be asked out by a man within 10 years of my own age. Of course we know from endless studies that men target women much younger than themselves, but I still found it gross to be in the middle of this phenomenon. It’s not that I have anything against men older than myself, or even that I find them less attractive. It’s that I find the inequality offensive. Where are all the men, who like me, are in their late 50s? Asking out 40 year old women, that’s where. Anyway, it’s all okay. I’m really loving being alone. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.

So what am I doing? Lots. I’m doing my usual camping, hiking, kayaking, gardening. I really like being outside. I’ve also picked up my volunteer work again – not to my previous levels, but 75%. My general health is great. My fitness level is back to where it was before D-Day all those years ago and I feel very energetic. As for my mental health, I’m afraid I still have challenges there. The PTSD persists, although it’s lessening. It’s easy to look back and beat myself up for not leaving at the first hint of a problem. Staying with him in the belief that the problem could be fixed resulted in what amounts to a giant self-inflicted wound, so I spend a lot of time trying to come to terms with what I did to myself. I also battle with bitterness quite a bit. I carry a lot of anger, not as much any more from my personal history with addiction, but from the misogyny that underlies it. But, in general, the difference in the quality of my life post-husband is hard to overstate. So for those looking for words of encouragement, I can provide them. There is life after the garbage you have been handed!

Can you PM me? I cannot seem to PM you. I have a private message for you I'm sure you'll want to read.

 

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I think for some people, defensive deception is a general trait they develop somewhere along the way, (probably early) and it gets called into the service of the addiction. But it also comes up with non-addiction things – strange things. I came to realize that he lied any time he thought there was the potential that allowing the truth would cause someone to disapprove of him. This would drive him to lie about the most seemingly inconsequential things. Eventually I began to understand this as him being terrified of shame and judgment and then I was able to develop a lot of compassion for him. But what an awful way to live! He will definitely need to tackle the lying separately from the addiction.

This is so true. The lying often starts as a protective measure as a child, way before addiction. You nailed the process so well. I’ve had to ask myself before, “Why did I just lie about that?” Usually about some stupid little thing.
It’s taken a lot of self-awareness and humility to admit it.
I wish I had read your post a few years ago and recognized it. It would have been very helpful.
Glad you have found a path of peace