Tackling This Evil

So where to start? Well after reading and researching this after years of having not the best sexual encounters and being sick and tired of not having a normal sex life, I've finally accepted that I probably have some PIED and performance anxiety. I'm currently on my 7th day on no PM and am going strong so far although I wanted to start a journal to help with my own accountability.

I grew up on porn, probably from around 16 I started watching daily and it became a routine to have a 20 minute session before bed each night. Sometimes 2-3 times a day if it suited me. Although I didn't delve into too many strange fantasies, I'm pretty sure this effected the way I looked and viewed girls, and for sure gave me social anxiety around them. I was always very resistant to get a girlfriend and only had my first relationship when I was 20, I'm 24 now.

Me and my first girlfriend love each other a lot, but sex has been an issue for us from the start. I was so nervous when I got into the relationship with her, I would be constantly hard but be very anxious about sex as I knew she had more experience than me and I had only had a few one night stands. My erection issues weren't a known issue at this point it was just pure nervousness (performance anxiety). Anyway, we finally after a few months started having sex and things were good at first, until one day I hurt my penis slightly during sex which made me lose my erection.

This started to bring doubts and worries about my penis not working, so I went to the doctor to check it out, no real issues just maybe some slight bruising occurred. However, during that time I started masturbating and using porn more again to 'prove' it worked and also fell back into not having sex with my girl and just oral, foreplay etc.

Anyway, the bottom line is the sex never recovered to a satisfying standard, and when covid hit we didn't see each other for months meaning I continued to watch porn and masturbate daily. The relationship eventually ended really due to this (early 2021), and the fact it was making me depressed and she wasn't being very supportive of my situation. I must say I didn't know I had PIED or what was wrong with me, I just kinda thought I was depressed, anxious, and maybe that's why I couldn't keep it up.

Fast forward to late 2022, and we've found each other again. She's been in another relationship, and I have had a few short term girls I've seen, with some very mixed experiences regarding sex. I also started messing with dick pills (usually a half) during this time to see if this helped me, which it did sometimes on days I had a higher libido but sometimes failed.

I'm back seeing my ex again girlfriend again now, and I'm sure we're meant for each other. The emotional connection I have with her is like no one else and I'm so attracted to her, it makes me feel sick inside that I can't actually have sex with her which is what I want so badly. It's like my body and brain just don't talk to each other. When we started seeing each other again, we did manage to have sex (with dick pills) and it was good but quite short as I stopped early thinking about my erection and the fact I struggle maintain it and also to finish. I've started to feel the anxiety creep in over the last few weeks and last week the dreaded floppy dick occurred again. She is always confused and doesn't understand really why it happens and I can never give a great explanation (I haven't talked about any addiction theories yet). It worries me that she might end things again over this and this makes me more anxious about having to perform even though I've started no PM and have read that there is times of flatlining and low libido which could make for some awkward times.

I'm seeing her again tonight and am going to continue to take dick pills to help with confidence (I have read that porn effects your brain in a way that pills won't even help so not sure about this anyway) as I feel like we still need to try to have sex to keep the relationship going and her satisfied. I'm planning to tell her about nofap (not sure about the porn issue) and that I'm doing this to benefit the relationship and sort myself out. My mood is quite good overall one week in and I'm determined to tackle this. I feel quite horny (or maybe these are just urges) a lot of the time but it doesn't seem like my dick responds much. I have been having morning wood most days still which I guess is a positive but this was never an issue really.

Feel like my situation is a bit weird as its tackling it again with a girl that broke up with me because of this really, but if anyone has any advice on it as I work through the days on this it would be appreciated. I'll be sticking to this regardless of how the relationship goes but I don't want to lose her.

Mood: 7/10 Libido: 4/10

 

Thanks for the reply Garden, I'm hoping this will be the end to all these issues I've been having. I have been overly stressing which certainly doesn't help the situation, its just such an isolating problem to have as its difficult to speak to friends or family about. I'm glad I've found this forum!

I will speak to her about my plan to tackle it, I don't think she will have an issue with me saying that I'm abstaining from masturbation or any self pleasure as it is to focus on just her and sort this issue out. I still want to be sexually connected to her so I plan to just put the focus on her as you said and pleasure her. I want her to not touch me (oral, handjob) at all to try to beat this, and have sex with her as my only way of pleasure when enough time goes by. I do get erections around her which is a positive sign, for me its just the maintaining it for sex seems to be the issue as I lose it so easily.

I was also thinking about taking dick pills to speed up the process, but I'm not sure if there is any benefit of this. I've not seemed to have any luck with it recently and I don't want it to end up as another dependency. Plus I got very bad stomach cramps and bad gas when I take them. I think I'll hold off for today but if anyone has any experience using them on recovery please let me know.

 

Thanks both much appreciate the check ins. Told her about the fact that I'm abstaining from masturbation (didn't bring up the porn aswell yet feel like it might be too much for now). She doesn't really understand it, and thinks i'm making up excuses and its just due to nervousness. It's a bit worrying as I feel like she is getting bored of it already and I'm only 7 days into this journey.

We didn't have much physical contact yesterday, but even touching her hand in bed or having my hand on her waist gave me a 60/70% erection. I also had morning wood but probably not full erection, maybe like 80%. I feel like I am in a bit of a flatline already as usually I have rock solid morning erections, and would get an erection touching my girl... its just always sustaining it which has been my main issue.

Hoping to have some intimacy next time I see her, probably this weekend and hoping my libido improves for then.

Mood: 5/10 Libido: 2/10

 

Yeah I will try to keep busy and do some other things to take my mind off it and just enjoy each others company. I think worrying about the process and how far I may be from recovery isn't helping.

Even from this morning my mood has shifted and I can see good signs already. In the last hour I had a well sustained quite random erection off of nothing in particular which remained relatively hard for at least 5/10 minutes in my pants, although this gave me an urge to masturbate which I held back against. I do not think my porn habits are too severe and I didn't have any urges to look at porn when this happened, I just thought about real life sex and intimacy.

 

Well I am sure I am in a flatline now as I'm not having any sexual thoughts whatsoever and I feel like my resting penis has shrunk today (don't know if this is a sign of it). I have no sex drive at all and have occasionally tried to think about real life sex with partner to test if my penis will react but it seems very dormant.

On a positive note, I went to get my haircut today and felt very confident chatting to my barber (I usually do this anyway) but also other girls working there. I didn't seem to have any social anxiety and just felt happy to engage in conversation with females. I have always felt more comfortable conversing with males in person and quite shy with girls and this, after opening my eyes to PIED, is potentially due to watching porn through my whole adult life and teenage years.

Hoping I can shake off this dead libido soon, but happy that I am noticing improvements in mood and self confidence.

Mood: 8/10 Libido: 1/10

 

Feeling good today, woke up at 9am with a rock solid erection, and then fell asleep again only to wake up at 10am with another! It lasted way longer than usual and remained hard whilst I went to the bathroom. On my 10th day now which is the furthest I've done no PMO and I can really see the benefits already. I feel much more confident in myself and my abilities.

Mood: 8/10 Libido: 6/10

 

Had a tough day today. Spent the weekend with my girlfriend, didn't engage in any intimacy as I was too nervous to initiate anything and missed my opportunities to. She can see that I am avoiding being intimate and it is difficult to explain why. My libido is there and I was getting erections around her but I am just too nervous to try anything. I hate myself for it and I can see her distancing herself from me due to it. She has mentioned us not having sex multiple times now and talked to me about how its weird that I get hard and then lose it. She knows its non stop on my mind too and she said its making her feel uncomfortable as she says I'm always just thinking about initiating sex when I'm cuddling/holding her and then not taking action which is true. It's just putting a negative stain on the relationship and has always felt like the thing holding us back.

I'm not sure if its just me being anxious with whether I'm gonna stay hard or actually PIED as I have been able to get morning wood and erections through this process so far. Anytime I think to initiate with my partner I always ask myself 'am I gonna stay hard?' and then if I am hard when we start having sex I think 'will I stay hard?' its like I'm on a path of self destruction and its destroying my sexual confidence and holding me back.

Plus now I'm home I won't see her for over a week and I just feel like I want to let off some sexual frustration which is making me think about PMO. So sick of feeling like this, I don't know why I can't just be normal.

Mood: 3/10 Libido: 5/10

 

Thanks Garden, I've never took no PMO seriously as I always self diagnosed myself as having performance anxiety. I now see its a mix of these things, with performance anxiety developing from failed sexual attempts due to PIED. It is strange that I am able to perform better on one night stands (or hookups) than in a relationship. I think this is due to me just wanting to orgasm and not having as much care for intimacy like I do with my current girlfriend. I also know my girlfriend is way more sexually experienced than me and she does accidentally say things that don't help my confidence like 'I've never had this problem with anyone before' or 'i'm used to having sex every day' which makes me more nervous about initiating. I don't blame her though as this must be tough to deal with as a girl. I also have been able to perform better when drunk, which she mentioned, maybe because I'm not thinking about it as much?

To answer your questions Garden, I'm 24 and in very healthy shape. I think this is why I am so frustrated at myself for this issue as I do look after my body. I gym regularly (3-4 times a week), play 5 aside football twice a week, and also have taken up jiu jitsu which I do twice a week.

My work involves sitting in front of a computer at home which means that apart from the activities listed, I don't have much other movement during the day (although I have tried to incorporate stretches on my lunch breaks at home to help with posture and circulation).

I will keep going, I'm enjoying the process overall and have no urges for porn. The urge to masturbate is quite strong as this is the longest I've abstained ever, however I know the intimacy I want is with a partner so MO will just hold me back.

 

Yeah I think mixing up my sport routine would be a good idea and try to focus on more leg based workouts. I usually only train legs once a week, due to football twice a week and recovery time in-between. If this can help lead to stronger erections then it is certainly worth doing.

I agree I need to happy with the progress I'm making in the right direction and also remember that I have had many positive sexual experiences in the past and not dwell on the more recent negative ones. In terms of being more ballsy, I know I can do that (I've done this with other partners before) and maybe I should just go for it. I'm holding myself back because of my worries of the erection strength which is making us both sexually frustrated. I need to at least try to be intimate as I am good at foreplay and can then at least pleasure my gf. I guess I am still scared of the situation where I am not hard.

On your second post, I do think I am making sex seem like a task in my head because of my very negative thinking from past performances. I don't think it is the way she touches me as I'm the one to initiate. She isn't very into physical contact which means that its difficult sometimes to initiate but that's the only thing I can think of. With other girls where my performance has been better I have had more kissing and cuddling prior to sex which has helped me relax I guess. I can feel my arousal levels getting higher around her with no PMO so I think it is a matter of time. I will maybe try to be a bit more adventurous also and maybe suggest this to her (I have had sex in a car before with a different girl which I enjoyed).

I am having constant headaches at the moment which I never usually have which is strange (not sure if this is due to no PMO). My mood is also relatively low (probably due to the flatline) and I don't have much motivation. I will force myself to go to the jiu jitsu class tonight though and pick up on the gym and football tomorrow.

Mood: 4/10 Libido: 4/10

 

I agree that I need to go for it more. She has already said it an increase in confidence I need sexually and that's what arouses her, me taking control.

I guess I am just finding it difficult to do so with my current PIED situation but I will try to be more confident around her as my sexual energy improves from no PM. I have also downloaded the pdf of YBOP which I plan on reading over the next few weeks. It will be good to get more understanding on the subject.