Tainted Sex Life

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Reverent, Oct 25, 2018.

  1. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    Our sex life is really struggling. We have been communicating greatly about it and have discovered one of the problems.

    Wife says it is difficult for her to want to engage or please me because, for our whole marriage our sexual life has been tainted.

    I asked what "tainted" meant to her. She says she feels any of my desires, affections, or behaviors are porn or fantasy influenced. That she feels everything I do is out of lust, not love. She assumes that I am always either recreating or playing out a fantasy from my mind or a screen.

    As much as she tries to put these thoughts aside and be in the moment, they almost always trigger her. It creates feelings of sadness, insecurity, discust, hurt. And it is very difficult to move past. This stops physical intimacy and frustrates our relationship.

    We both want to move past these feelings and create a new healthy intimate relationship. What tips or advise can help us heal? What perspective are we not seeing? How do we remove the taint of porn?
  2. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    I think a lot of it can come down to time and healing. I know that the taint is still there for me but it's not as bad. I'm not at the place where we have to stop sex but rather I need him to keep Me engaged and present because truth is, he is present and I am not cuz I'm all in my head with trauma and scenarios that aren't happening. He needs to ground me during sex now and we just dont do anything that feels porny... that can be different for every couple... but sex for us is when we feel emotionally connected and want to show our love. If he comes from a place of desperation I can tell and it's the biggest mood killer.
    Trappist, Jennica, Reverent and 2 others like this.
  3. That is something to learn.
    I always feel like my motives might not be good and desperation might be involved if I initiate. So patience and waiting for her to initiate has helped a lot.
  4. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    Like I can tell just by the way he touches me if it's from love or desperation/lust... like when he touches me, simple as a hug or s cuddle I can tell intentions because there is a difference. The love touch is sweet and welcoming and appreciative whereas the desperation touch is invasive and pushy...
  5. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Probably too simplistic an answer, but making love with the lights off and lots of gentle kissing (on the lips) are two ideas that spring to mind.
    Reverent likes this.
  6. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    with all due respect what does that mean? I understand it takes time and I understand we must heal. But time alone never fixes anything, that is why so many of us carry childhood traumas into adulthood. Waiting it out won't mend a broken heart.

    Are there not healthy habits or minsets we can adopt to begin to heal? I'm not looking for quick fixes or easy solutions. I'm not trying to rush recovery, I just want to understand.
    I agree with this, however we feel emotionally connected on so many days, by good communication, acts of kindness etc. We don't have sex any time we feel connected. That would be way way too much. The sex itself is what brings in the disparity. I can not erase my past, she can not ignore her feelings. This is our reality.

    Thanks everyone so far.
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 likes this.
  7. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    By time I mean keep trying and With time it gets better. In the beginning I couldn't have sex I'd break down cry and it woupdnt work. Now when we have sex and I'm triggered we work through it together and continue if it's a low level trigger. It's taken me over 2 years to get there and it was by all the other work being done. If my husband was PMO free that was the first step. Second step is seeing his actions daily change. Third is relationship rebuilding. It takes action but you cant make healing happen any quicker than it's natural course
    Jennica, Reverent and Banjaxed like this.
  8. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Watch @Max Fisher 's video in the Jungian book thread.
    You'll see that your wife has her own story as do you. Some of her chapters were marked through with a black Sharpe, against her will. Now she can't read what is under the marker; the writings aren't clear.
    Lucky for her, she can rewrite the destroyed chapters. Ask her what you can do to help her rewrite those stories she can't make sense of.
    You'd get more points w/ her if you bought her an actual blank journal, sat down with her, acknowledge your part in her stories destruction, & tell her you want her to be able to rewrite these chapters. Ask her how you can help, but let her lead.

    Also, tantra, maybe? Idk; I just started reading about it & how it can help heal the disconnection between spouses due to a sexual addiction.

    Really long read, but incredible perspective that might help you & your wife.
    You'll figure it out, Rev :)

  9. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

    I think you asked a really good question here to help understand her experience. Kudos. To me, my husband asking this would be a step in my getting past it.

    How do you both handle her triggers in the moment? It sounds like she stops the sex, which is what I would do too.

    How you react in the moment could be very healing or do further damage. You said her stopping, "frustrates our relationship," but I don't want to assume that you act frustrated when she is triggered. Doing that would be a huge mistake, and would guarantee that her triggers will continue (probably worsen).

    What I would want in that moment is for my husband to lie next to me, cover me up with the blankets, stroke my hair, and ask me gently what I'm feeling. Make sure that she says a feeling word (scared, angry, hurt, etc.). If she doesn't, keep asking what she is feeling until she does use a feeling word. It's important that she gets the feelings out.

    If I tell him that I'm scared that he's thinking about porn, I'd want him to respond, "I am only thinking about you, but I know my past actions have caused your fear. I'm sorry for that."

    Then he could ask me what else I'm feeling. Maybe I might be feeling angry that his addiction stole our sex life. Reaffirm her feeling: "You're angry because through my choices, I stole something so important to our relationship."

    Keep asking her about her feelings until she has run out of them. Each time, mirror her statement back to her with words that acknowledge your responsibility for causing it. Even if her feelings don't make any logical sense, even if you haven't thought about porn while in bed with her for years. Because the truth is, you did cause it...maybe some time ago, but it's still in the present for her.

    If she cries, ask her if it would be OK to hold her. Don't try restarting sex. There's a small chance that she might restart; if so, follow her lead. I have restarted sex in similar conditions, and it's been intensely emotionally intimate and physically awesome.

    That's assuming, however, that you are still in the mood. If sex doesn't feel right to you anymore, tell her something reassuring like, "Let's just be close right now. We can try again tomorrow when our emotions aren't running so high. I just want to hold you."

    Stay there with her until she's done crying and falls asleep or gets out of bed.

    This is basically a restatement of the technique from the Doug Weiss Helping Her Heal videos. If you haven't watched them, they are totally worth the $60.

    I also agree with the advice of lights on, eye contact, and plenty of kissing.
  10. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Although actually I advised lights off. I guess there's arguments either way, but I was suggesting that lights off accents the fact that you are not getting off on looking at her naked, as you might with porn. With the lights on she can see you are staring intently into her eyes, and with them off she knows you are not just ogling her. I'm not a woman but I imagine that lights off feels less porny. There are lots of lights in porn so that we, the viewer, can see clearly.
    Trappist likes this.
  11. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut



    I'm just kidding. I think.
    EyesWideOpen likes this.
  12. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    Just ENOUGH lighting lol to be able to see faces / eyes open . NOT THE WHOLE TIME that creeps me out , just enough that I know he knows where he is . Less of a problem this far along but in the beginning ABSOLUTELY!
    JustSadPorn likes this.
  13. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

    Interesting and not side track the thread but for me it’s all about dimmed/soft lighting. I want to know he’s focused on us/me. Making eye contact and such and I want to be focused on him. I’m a visual person and I want to see him as much as I want to feel him. I actually prefer lighting over being in the dark. I feel lights off takes away from the intimacy. Blaring bright lights are hard on my eyes.
    Numb, Trappist and Queen_Of_Hearts_13 like this.
  14. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    One tea light will do lololol
    Jennica and 0111zerozero11 like this.
  15. Hopefully she can begin to accept
    You as you are now.

    I don’t focus on earlier
    For either of us.

    I abstain from P thoughts
    and actively avoid them period.
    If they come, let them go.

    Maybe she can meditate
    and also work on similar?
    My SO doesn’t seem to have BT.

    We are still learning
    the new us together.

    Rested; be more in the present.
    Do a daytime event which is easy and non pressured. (We have no kids.)
    Reverent and 0111zerozero11 like this.
  16. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Every day I ask myself if this would be easier to handle without young kids. Then I think, that maybe they were sent so it wouldn't be so hard...
    Trappist and Reverent like this.
  17. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    Children are angels, little moonbeams of light illuminating an otherwise long, cold night of unseemly endless darkness.

    Often times it is the children, even in thier chaos, that remind us that purity and love can exist in this cruel world. They are truly a gift and remind us all to be better people.
  18. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    I sure hope so. Thanks for the long read, I found many insightful points that I plan on discussing with the Mrs.

    Thanks for the encouragement. I try.

    This is great counsel I hadn't fully considered. I ask about her feelings and usually hear one and latch on like that's the problem that needs fixed (man maneuver). You're totally right, my therapist does this, he keeps asking until I've learned for myself what it is I feel and let's me freely express them. It helps me heal greatly. Of course it will help her too. Supertastic. I can't wait to try this form of listening.

    Also my thoughts on lights on, off or subdued:
    It all depends on the moment. There are pros and cons to all. I feel creating a certain "way" the environment must to be, closes off some sexual liberty.

    If the lights are always off I'd feel "why is she so insecure, doesn't she know she's beautiful?" Feeling and fumbling my way around is in the dark is fun once in awhile but we lose eye contact and it can become mechanical.

    If the lights are bright I'd feel vulnerable some days and playful on others. I'd enjoy the visual excitement during that time, but i would have to make sure that's not all I am after.

    If a mood has to be set with dim lighting or candles, I'd feel she has reservations or insecurities. Also I'd wonder if she was just romanticizing some expectation of how it "should be". Yet other times when I'm emotionally charged up and not particularly interested in visual stimulation the soft lighting is exactly what Id prefer.

    The only hardline I have for lighting is never make love to the intrusive glow of a TV screen. She is worth more than that.
    Jennica likes this.
  19. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

    For me feeling porky, is porn words or movies. Also sex had to become more about me . Not selfish sex. Foreplay he still struggles with or did. We are separated right now. Baths together helped me feel secure, eyes open , kissing and soft caressing while making love. That was the biggest problem for me was needing to feel like I was making love, not banging. Different soft positions helped too. Till I got my confidence back.

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