Takes a Certian Kind of Woman?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Deleted Account, Sep 21, 2018.

  1. Does it take a certain kind of woman to stick with a PA? Why do some people leave and some stay? Is it that SO who stay are more patient and forgiving? If a SO is religious is she more likely to leave? Are women in their 20's more likely to stay? Or do SO who stay have nothing in common with each other?
  2. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

    I think this maybe hard quantify. It’s way to personal for each person with different priorities, situations and personalities. It may also be the levels of PA acting out from the PA’s themselves. I can only answer for me, I put up and tried to work through a lot over the years so when DDay #2 happened my decision to stay or leave was completely hinged apon how my husband handled the confrontation about what I found. If he had lied, gaslight or became defensive I was prepared to walk for me and what I know I deserved in life. With as much I put up with there is a line a point where enough is enough. It would have been final straw that broke the camels back if he kept with his self preservation at my expense. Thankfully he didn’t do that, he started to, he wanted to and maybe he was able to read me for once and picked up on the fact that that was the take or leave moment for us so he chose not to.

    I know I stated some personal boundaries and as long as he accepted them then I would stay and support him and work with him for us but he had to make the commitment to himself and me. Otherwise I knew I couldn’t do it anymore. I was definitely close to leaving. I am glad it didn’t go down the other way, so here wa are together.
    Numb, Nugget9 and Trappist like this.
  3. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    Great question!!

    Personally here are the reasons I stayed
    • I understand addiction (self-harm, anorexia) and have done the whole recovery thing and know the drill
    • I've been abandoned because of my addiction and never would wish that on anyone
    • I love my husband
    • I know lots of psychology and knew I would be a great resource for my husband in his journey
    • I stayed with these things being asked of him: 100% honesty, get into therapy, rebuild relationship
    I stayed thinking my husband would jump into recovery with passion and dedication (like i asked him to) and he didn't. I didn't expect him not to care about rebuilding the relationship he broke. So I originally stayed with good intentions, wanting him to know he was lovable, that he wasn't being abandoned and wanting to offer my knowledge all because I thought he truly would want to get better and to love me with respect. I don't regret staying, but I do regret almost 2.5 years being wasted after one year of his addiction and lies. If I could go back and do it differently I think I would have physically separated (i.e. live separately but still be in a relationship) earlier to "kick his ass into gear" so to speak.

    I think all of us SO's have varying reasons for why we stayed but it would be interesting if there was a pattern amoung us
  4. AngelofDarkness

    AngelofDarkness Fapstronaut

    I think it depends on both the SO's personality in terms of how willing and able they are to forgive a form of infidelity and/or ongoing betrayal of trust and lying, and the degree of the PA's damage to the relationship. Maybe they are actually both dependant on each other.
  5. Understandable...
  6. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    "A PA" looks like a lot of different things....It's the devoted father reading to his kids, it's the husband who hits his wife because she questioned his search history, it's many many faces, as are the women who are with them. You can't expect a woman being physically harmed to stay or leave anymore than a woman in a "pretty stable" marriage when PA is involved. This is a loaded question & would fluctuate based on each individual & their situation.

    Personally, I took my wedding vows very seriously & I know my husbands potential & worth.

    The common things:
    We are mending from pain, we have given our partners a chance to improve, & we all just want a happy & healthy marriage.
    Everything else varies greatly in SOs
    moonesque likes this.
  7. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    This could be so many reasons. Here are some just as examples:
    - How much effort their PA is putting into recovery
    - How much the PA is changing
    - Intimacy (not sex)
    - Love
    - Compatibility
    - How long the relationship is
    - How seriously they take their marriage vows
    - Self-esteem
    - How good the marriage was otherwise/if there are other problems
    - To what extent the addiction went
    - Finances
    - Kids
    - Childhoods/what they saw/experienced growing up
    - Empathy or actually knowing what being an addict feels like
    - The manner in which they learned about the addiction - for instance finding out because the PA lost his job for using at work, or because they are arrested, etc. would be different than confessing because the PA felt it was becoming a problem
    - Shame
    - Not wanting to have a failed marriage
    - Their ability to forgive/move on
    - Do they view P as cheating or not

    For me personally, I stayed for the kids at first. I just wasn't in a place where I could bear the thought of changing their entire lives now and forever over P. I just couldn't do it. Then, as I stayed, I saw how much he was changing and thought wow this is so different, this open, honest, intimate marriage is what I want. I am still working through the pain of it so it is difficult and goes through stages but hopefully that will keep improving over time.
  8. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    Simply put , I am in love with him . I’m 20+ years in . He’s a good man . He’s a good father , and when he could put his PA in a “ box “ long enough to be present he’s everything I want in a spouse . However , we are 18 months after DDAY 2 , he’s finally showing me he’s investing in “our” recovery. This question is difficult it’s like asking “ Why does the P become an addiction “ almost every PA will answer differently.
    Numb, beansandtofu, moonesque and 2 others like this.
  9. beansandtofu

    beansandtofu Fapstronaut


    I stayed because I educated myself about the reality of this addiction. I nearly left because of in-person affairs he might have had...he had suffered from a distorted memory, where he confused reality with fantasy. Confessed to things he literally did not do, out of guilt...long story short, it wasn’t the PA that almost drove me away, it was the lack of honesty.
    It took awhile to work it out, a lot of heartache, and a lot of confusion. Talking to a councilor, and being held accountable.
    I can forgive porn, but I have a hard time with actual adultery. If that makes sense.
    Jennica likes this.
  10. Love_rules50

    Love_rules50 Fapstronaut

    I’m Christian and for me, forgiveness is a big part of that. Walking would have been the easy way out, but I did what I felt was the most loving thing I could do... to stay and have mercy.
    moonesque likes this.
  11. Nugget9

    Nugget9 Fapstronaut

    My SO has stayed for over 16 years with me and we have had multiple DDays. @Numb is my SO and very smart about the psychological issues, and our psychological and physical issues. I am finally taking this seriously and my life is finally straightening out in getting rid of PMO. What a pain in the ass problem. I never thought it was such a big deal but it has taken a lot out of my life that I never even realized. I was always told that everyone does it doesn't make it right or a good choice in life.
  12. Fireandash

    Fireandash Fapstronaut

    I'm not sure if it has anything to do with a person's personality or not. I really don't know, but I can give you my reasons to stay or leave(I am not religious so that would not be a contributing factor).
    I am in the situation now where Indeed to decide what's best for me to do. So...
    I love my husband. He is my soulmate and I have found a love with him that I never thought possible.
    moonesque likes this.
  13. Fireandash

    Fireandash Fapstronaut

    Sorry, fingers got excited for a second...
    I do love him
    I also do understand this disease very well so I feel I can help him
    He is an amazing person and generally I am very happy.
    However, I was under the impression that he was really working the programme hard and being honest with me. Last night I found out this is not the case at all. He never stopped his addiction. He was lying.
    This does a huge amount of damage to me. On many levels.
    Will I stay? Yes but with some serious boundaries. There will be no grey areas or backdoors. I want a full disclosure, no feelings spared(not to shame him but to assras the full extent of the problem). There will be constant accountability. And lastly HONESTY every single minute of every single day. No exceptions.
    If I were to leave it would be because one of the boundaries are over stepped. The reason personally that I will then leave is because I won't suffer the effect his addiction is having on me. If he cannot fully commit to recovery then for my own sanity and health I will have to leave.
    HonestyMatters and Queenie%Bee like this.
  14. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I know this doesn't help you feel better right now, because that place you are in right now sucks (been there), but they almost all do this at some point or another. I thought my husband was clean for 7 months, but those months were full of Psubs. I confronted it when I found out, put up boundaries, he hasn't done it since and that was over a year ago. Don't lose hope!
    Edit - Just read your other thread... and I can tell now my post to you here might not apply because you totally get addiction and how it works... sorry I didn't read the other post first.
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2018
    Fireandash likes this.
  15. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    I find this really complicated to answer because over the years I have had so many conflicting thoughts on whether to stay or leave. I think it takes both a certain kind of woman and a certain kind of man - it really depends on their personalities, their history and their desire to improve the relationship, their level of commitment and honesty and what they really want out of the relationship....

    Reasons I stayed
    • I felt trapped - a stay at home mother of 3 children (not working) and we had only discovered 6 weeks prior to me discovering his porn addiction that our house had been severely eaten by termites so we were in no position to even be able to sell up and go our separate ways
    • I was torn - and in so much pain that I didn't know what to do, didn't know whether my thoughts to leave were even rational or whether it was because I was hurting so much and in severe shock of not only his porn addiction but the termite situation
    • Because I have always had a deep belief that any problem no matter how bad can be surmounted with the right amount of dedication, commitment and motivation from both parties in the relationship
    • Even though there was a lot of bad / or negative in our relationship, there were still qualities that I really loved about him and I wanted so desperately for things to be better between us
    • When things were good between us he could be so affectionate and loving and caring toward me and I loved this about him...although it's never been in a emotional / mental bonding kind of way....its always been a more physical way I guess which has always felt not enough - I wanted a deeper level of bonding too
    • I felt a lot of insecurity. I was so traumatised that I didn't even trust myself to be able to make the right decision. I was in fear of the future, of life, of everything.....and of making a potentially wrong decision because I couldn't think straight or trust my own intuition
    • I wanted him to be committed and to really make an effort to be honest and repair all the broken parts of our relationship. I wanted the relationship to work. I was committed to do everything in my power to make it work and wanted him to feel the same way. And as he said he did and he would, it was another reason to stay. But over the years I found he still hasn't committed to repairing our relationship and didn't commit to PA recovery either...
    • I always dreamt of having a fulfilling, happy and connected marriage and I always wanted this with him.
    Reasons I wanted to leave
    • Even before the porn addiction discovery we had always had communication problems. He has always been an emotionally withdrawn person. Physically present but emotionally and mentally unavailable or unable to be reached. I always felt like the deeper connection and bonding between us was missing. I had often thought that we were wrong for each other and no matter how many years of trying and effort put in on my part, he would never approach the issue with the same commitment as me because it was me who it affected and me who suffered from this and not him. He never felt that any of it was a problem and I just couldn't believe that he was such a shallow person. (After much reading on porn addiction later on down the track and how it can make a person like this, it was like the penny dropped for me and kind of explained why he had always been this way. His addiction to pornography and masturbation was long before we met and I thought if he was committed to dealing with his addiction then there was hope that we could be a more emotionally connected and bonded. But at the same time I was still uncertain, maybe even without the addiction he would have been like this anyway. Even his mother had said early on in our relationship, that as a child he was emotionally withdrawn and didn't share himself in any meaningful way with others)
    • I couldn't trust him anymore. I have always found it difficult to trust anyone especially men. I think this stems from a traumatic and dysfunctional upbringing. He was the first person who I ever truly trusted and let my guard down with. I let myself be vulnerable and truly believed he would never do anything to hurt me or betray me and definitely wouldn't lie to me. I was incredibly shattered - especially knowing that he had be lying and betraying me for over 14 years....For me he instantly became the only person I had so deeply been hurt by and I wanted to end it badly. I was in sooo much PAIN and felt like my world had been blown to smithereens !!!
    • Knowing him like I do, how lazy, laid back, unmotivated and uncommitted he can be....I really didn't know if he could / or would do what it would take to turn things around....and I could see this was going to be hugely difficult to do with him, to turn around, unless he was really prepared to change. And past experience had shown he is very resistant and stubborn to change and that he had never had any follow through on the things that he had previously agreed to.
  16. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

    I think it's entirely up to how damaged the SOs self esteem is after the hurricane PA hits it. Very secure women are more likely to leave because they don't tolerate BS.
    But even then, sometimes the PA completely destroys the SO for obvious reasons.
  17. I stayed with mine because I loved him, I understood the addiction and that he wasn't 'trying' to hurt me. I understood that the way he acted was due to his addiction and I still knew the person he was underneath, and desperately wanted to get that back. I wasn't ready to give up on growing old together (denial possibly). I was also scared of making it on my own as a single working parent. Most of all because we had a family and I would of done anything to hold us together.

    But in the end, after years and years of fighting it, history repeating itself, being given hope then having it taken away again, getting repeatedly physically sick from the emotional trauma of it all, developing my own MO addiction in an attempt to fill the intimacy void without being unfaithful, I realised there was absolutely nothing I could do, I decided I needed to finally save my strength for me instead of exhausting myself on him, I had nothing more to give, and I left. And I left in a very dramatic fashion as a giant f*ck you. It was liberating and one of the best things I ever did for my wellbeing. I haven't been ill once since. And funnily enough, he's now in recovery and trying to prove himself, but there is no real future for us now aside from raising our child, it's too late. I needed him to take it seriously when we lived together and not let it get this far, but it fell on deaf ears.

    PA's - if she's threatening to leave, you wanna be taking that seriously. SO's - if you're threatening to leave and nothing's changing, the addiction has more of a pull on his soul than you do, it's time to go.
  18. havana19

    havana19 Fapstronaut

    There are a lot of variables and the outcome may not really be so much about the woman's personality rather than some very basic things:

    are the addict and partner married?

    do they have children, esp small children?

    does the partner work or is she dependent on the addict for resources to survive?

    These are the main criteria most women base their decisions on. Many women who would prefer to leave cannot, and some will stay based on family circumstances, such as strong family values on both sides. Many religious women are finding lawyers who are able to successfully use porn usage as a cause for divorce, so religious belief can be a motivator to stay AND to go.

    Some women manage to maintain love for their spouses and if he is actively recovering the marriage can survive. Most women do not retain the same love they had before the trauma--sometimes the love becomes different and stronger (again if the husband is actively recovering), often the love is dimmed and may never have the intensity that was there prior to the trauma, mostly due to any earlier traumas the woman might have had from childhood or earlier relationships/events, and also depending on the nature of the husband's betrayal, i.e., an internet porn addiction alone will be less traumatic than say spreading an std from utilizing prostitutes, or arrest due to acting out with minor, etc. on top of the porn addiction.
    HonestyMatters likes this.
  19. Ifatfirstyoudont

    Ifatfirstyoudont Fapstronaut

    A lot of the posts mentioned honesty and I believe that that is the rock your marriage is set on. My wife and I have been married over 30 years. When I look back over those years now I see all of our troubles have been caused or aggravated by dishonesty. It took me a long time to figure this out. I was lucky that my wife always saw a good man underneath even when I acted like a ass.
    So I believe if you are completely honest with your partner, and if they love you then you have a chance.
    Jennica likes this.
  20. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

    Honesty and integrity. Without them you are doomed in every relationship.

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