Taking back my life and hoping to save my marriage

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by The_new_me_, Jan 29, 2020.

  1. The_new_me_

    The_new_me_ New Fapstronaut

    About me, 40 year old married guy with 3 kids.

    I wasn't sexually active from a very young age like some of the people of here. My first time masturbating was when I was 16 years old and my first sexual experience was with my girlfriend / now wife at around 22 years old.

    I cannot recall exactly when I started watching porn, but it was probably between those years. I watched it because it was exciting, a big stress relief, a cure for boredom. I didn't see something wrong in doing it and thought it was harmless. It didn't hurt anyone and as long as it was a secret, all was fine.

    A year or two into our marriage I started developing ED problems. Getting it up but unable to keep it up, which caused stress and doubts making me shy away from the next encounter. The doubts keeping on piling up, adding stress which lead to more PMO. Me not engaging or shying away from sex lead to more fights making her feel unwanted, unsexy and not being worthy.

    I then started with taking chinese herbal pills available from sex shops. This worked for a while, but when I forgot to take a pill in advance, the problem was back. She later on found out about the pills and was shocked and angry that I needed to take pills to find her attractive, which was not the case at all. It was more a situation of my body not reacting to what my mind wanted.

    I then went to see a specialist who did a examination and blood tests on me. No problem physically, so I went to see another clinic who prescribed penis injections. Trying me best to solve this problem, I went with that and did it. That worked well, an instant erection but it still made her feel that I didn't find her attractive.

    All of the above lead to frustration, depression, fights, stress, bad words beings said in arguments which damages ones ego.

    Fast forward to January 2020 where I once again promise her that I want to be a better husband, and that I have stopped masturbating and watching porn. When she found out that I was watching porn, she completely lost it and became angry as hell. At first I couldn't understand her extreme reaction - I opened up to her trying to be a better man. It was only when I started researching this that I found out how destructive, evil and bad porn is.

    What I never knew or realised is the dopamine effect and that porn was causing my ED problems. That it was not just a stress relief mechanism, but something that changed my behaviour, my bodily functions, my brain. Causing numbness, depression, anxiety. That porn is Satan's way of taking something beautifull and perverting it, destroying lives and families.

    Yesterday I came across this website after researching PIED and its comforting to know that I'm not the only one suffering from this. I need and will get my life back and will never ever watch porn again. Reading other stories on here, I know it will be hard but now matter what, I will not give up or relapse.

    My current situation with my wife, she has not spoken to me for 2 days after telling her I've been watching porn. She has also mentioned that she is not willing to give me another chance, because after all the other chances she has given me our sex life did not improve. I however finally know what the underlying problem has been all along. The thing that has stopped me from having a normal sex life for the past 10 years. For the first time I know so clearly what to do and only wish that I found this out earlier.

    I just hope and pray its not too late.
  2. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Just tell her you understand and you need to change for yourself and not for her. Apologize, tell her your plans, and leave it at that.

    I think there is a good chance that gets you another chance, but either way it's what you need to do and communicate.

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