Talked about PMA addiction for the first time

Hello folks.

I joined up here a good 6+ months ago because I decided I really wanted to tackle (no pun intended) the problem head-on. I've been a PMA for probably 18 years, since I first really discovered P when I was an early teenager (thanks to a childhood friend) and began seeking it out, cautiously at first, until I was streaming or downloading it almost every day during my adulthood. I've been in a long-term relationship for about 12 of those years, and it's safe to say I have absolutely been an addict for the entirety of my 20's. I've known it was a problem for a long time, and I've always had that gut feeling, that voice inside that tells you you're disgusting and shameful and asks you if it was really worth it. I always promised myself that was the last one, "no more, I don't need it!" but I ultimately always failed.

The biggest problem of all was that in my relationship, with the woman I love who is also my best friend, it isn't something that ever came up in conversation, and to my knowledge I was adept at hiding the evidence. I knew that even so, it was affecting my relationship, and that I was not the person I should have been, emotionally, or sexually, for my partner. But that cycle, that need, that urge - it was just an impossibility to break. I was too weak. At least that's what I told myself.

Then I stumbled across this site around 6 months ago. I signed up immediately, made an introductory post, and then basically haven't been here since. Committed, right?

Sounds like I just gave up, but somehow, just somehow, being signed up here and having read a bunch of stuff at the beginning from other users and sufferers of PMA, as well as the success stories, was always in the back of my mind. I have never in that time been able to forget that I made a "commitment" to stop my PMA.

Have I relapsed? Yes, a few times. I think in terms of PM, I've gone back perhaps around 5 times (in that 6+ month period), which frankly isn't even that bad when considering that classically I was doing it maybe 4-5 times per week, sometimes even 2-3 times in one day if I was alone at the weekend. The thing is, in spite of that sounding like quite an improvement, what I eventually realised was I was actually looking at P a hell of a lot, even without M'ing. It was only then that I truly realised I wasn't even looking at P to necessarily M, I was just hooked on the P! I would sit there on my phone, and when my partner left the room I would quickly type in some kind of P craving I had and load it up with about a 2 minute window, just to watch a tiny clip of something, then quickly hide it again before my partner came back. But it never satisfied, because then I wanted to see some more. This kind of behaviour was common, especially so before I joined NoFap, but even at a vastly reduced level it still happened too much since then, especially for someone who is trying to kick the habit.

I am truly disgusted with myself for how long I've kept up this behaviour, and apart from betraying my partner in this manner for as long as I have, the next worst thing about it for me is that I genuinely believe myself to be a supporter in the rights of women. Somehow, in spite of everything I believe and support on that front, I always managed to convince myself that a little P wasn't going to hurt anybody. Then I'd watch it, get my kicks (either through M or just plain looking), and suddenly I'd feel that shame again. But it was so short-lived.

It was only when my partner and I got into a fight - a huge fight - about our relationship and where it was going, that she brought up (in an incredibly fair and surprisingly respectful way) that she knew I watched porn. Shocked, I asked how she knew (not in an attempt to say I didn't - just out of shame that I'd been caught). Turns out that on more than one occasion she'd gone on my computer or my phone to check something (we are very free with that sort of thing as, ironically, neither of us has anything [else] to hide) and each time found herself staring at the video page for P of some kind or other. Instead of bringing it up there and then, or any other time, she felt she didn't know if it was her place to tell me what she thought, and I don't believe she wanted to be "that person", even though she was well within her rights to shout the house down.

Anyway, after this very tactful mid-argument revelation, I broke down a little bit and I explained my problem, much the same as how I did in the first half of this post, and told her that I know I am addicted to it - all the while apologising for making myself sound like some kind of victim, when I know it is all my own fault. After some healthy discussion, and a level of understanding and support I honestly still can't believe I received, and having told her that I had already taken steps to rectify the situation (NoFap etc.) with which she was truly happy to know I had already done without any intervention from her, I have actually not PMO or even MO'd a single time (this was about 3 weeks ago, now) and actually happened not to have for about 2 weeks prior to that.

Since then, we have been intimate three times, and all three have been incredible. I, and I'm certain my partner would agree, have felt a completely different level of intimacy and O'ing entirely from before. I feel like there is definitely a massive positive change in me coming, and I want more than anything to keep this up and ensure I don't get lured back. I'm not going to lie, I feel the lure every now and then. It'd be so easy to just hit up Google and start searching for P - but I'm not, and I haven't. Not even a cursory look, not once since our big discussion.

I'm by no means "cured", but I feel so much better now and I just want this to carry on, so I'm going to do my very best to make sure it does.

On a secondary note, I have also been a terrible nail biter for even longer than I've been a PMA - and about 6 weeks ago I cut that out, too. Perhaps the two achievements are linked? Who can say!

Thanks for reading, fellow Fapstronauts, and good luck to you with any personal improvements you, too, are working on.

 

Thank you @hope4healing and @BreatheDeeply for your words of support!

You're right - after the honesty of coming out with it all when I'd been "caught", I certainly couldn't go back to how things were - I don't see a good outcome of any kind there.

Still going strong, and intend to do my bit to keep it that way.

 

Just a quick update on this subject.

It's now been 50 days since I last M'd or even looked at P. This is the longest I have gone in my life since the first time I did either, which was when I was about 12 years old - and this is something I am so pleased with.

I have kept my partner in the loop insomuch that I have been letting her know / reminder her every other week that I am keeping to my word and that the only sexual activity I have had whatsoever has been with her and her alone - not even so much as a single pornographic image has been sought out - uncontrollable advertisement-based or standard Hollywood TV / film scenes not counted, which are fortunately not particularly any kind of trigger for me.

She has told me she is grateful and appreciative of not only what I am trying to achieve, but that I am keeping her updated. It feels incredibly rewarding to know that it is making a difference, and I definitely feel better about myself.

I'm not going to lie - the urge to search for something does occasionally come up, and on the odd occasion it has been a little tough to resist, but I have resisted, and I haven't yet relapsed again.

50 days going strong, and here's to the next 50.

Good luck to all of you who may be struggling along with me, and thank you again for the support I've already received here.

Cheers.

 

Thank you!