Talked to my father about internet addiction

You

 

@legolas_01 It's cheap too! Like you say, always available, no dealers to meet with. It's even woven into the fabric of modern life--the internet.

So true, that's why this website has so much potential, I hope it works for us.

 

I've been dealing with a similar realization about masturbation - along the lines of "so what? it's a natural activity, not like it's man-made, right?"
which is kind of true, leaving porn out of the picture for a minute, masturbation in and of itself isn't really 'bad' or sinful or whatever other negative judgement you can think of. what IS a problem is it's excessive practice. Again, that can be said about literally anything. Our bodies change in response to the environment, and excessive masturbation ultimately rewires the brain, hormones, and therefore our minds. Porn super-charges all that rewiring, too. It's yet another 'modern man' disease, right up there with diabetes and a truckload of disorders stemming from overabundance of food (and horrible food, at that).
There's no shame in the act, and there's no shame in having a problem. The real problem is in not realizing one has a problem.

 

I agree that there is no shame in the act, however, not everybody has come the this realisation.

Many others who you confide it might not understand up to the point of backbiting. It is therefore important to think carefully who you comfortable with and who you think will be understanding and supportive.

Not everybody shares our sentiment that it is natural.

 

I have never spoken to my family about PMO addiction but I have tried to speak to them about my increasingly obviously unhealthy mental state (whether that is caused by PMO, or caused me to become addicted to PMO is another complex topic but I think a bit of both) and noone wants to listen to me either, its incredibly frustrating. I can have horrible symptoms that bring me to my knees psychologically but because these symptoms come in waves, and arent permanent,they always try to claim that its normal. I'm certain that its not but when even your parents wont listen what can you do?

 

@AtomicTango - that's incredibly common, I think. About 8 years ago, when things were very difficult at home (not PMO related; young parents, autistic spectrum 3-year-old + newborn, tough times...), after a bunch of thinking, reading, and reflection, I went for ADD evaluation and was diagnosed. That's a whole other topic of conversation, but i bring it up here b/c I remember telling my family the story, the diagnosis, and to some degree the challenges. My family was and is accepting of it and all, but i remember my father's reaction - he was somewhat resistant to his son being ADD. Or, put another way, of his son not actually having all his shit together - impossible!
But, that's just life. Perceptions, desires, and how we wish life was versus reality. For family members, particularly parents, the outcome of a child's life (behavior, performance, achievements, etc.) is socially seen as a reflection on the parent. Consequently, when it comes to problems/challenges/shortcomings/imperfections in the children, parents will likely get defensive. It takes a lot of trust, confidence, and communication to accept reality. And, unfortunately, many never do.

 

And taking that a step further is understanding the details of the problem, which is a process. Just "don't do it" or "do it less" (internet addiction) is incredibly simplistic and frankly stupid advice, as if anyone with a thinking mind wouldn't have already thought of that. The question is what are the factors that compels people to overdo anything. Doing something less reflects no understanding but is just a superficial view of what it looks like when the problem isn't there.

 

Yeah I think my dad especially is so resistant because I'm the golden child who, like you say "has his shit together" in his eyes and can do no serious wrong. They go after my younger sister all the time when most of the time shes done nothing, and ignore and deflect problems I have to the point of Olympic medal level mental gymnastics. To me the link between all my problems is obviously something psychological, but to them everything thats wrong in my life is down to me not "going out and doing stuff more". The fact I'm asocial is another symptom of my problems, but they refuse to see that and accept the bigger picture. When I did try to say I needed professional help I stupidly listened to them and now 3 months later the problem still persists, albeit in reduced form, but its still there.

 

Yep, not having a support system makes pretty much any problem that much more difficult. One of my favorite parts about being an adult is having control over who i call 'family'. Through the years i've considered friends to be closer than family, and that changes over time, which is ok. At the end of the day, your life is your responsibility, and that includes surrounding yourself with the necessary support structure to achieve your goals. Those who aren't with you, or worse, would work against you aren't worth keeping around. Simple. Difficult for sure, but relatively simple.

 

Oh, it WILL work for you & for any of us - but WE have to WORK IT!

You get out what you put in.......

Cheers -
- Beach

 

Yeah you are right. What I was planning on doing is going over the top of their heads and organizing a meeting with a counselor when I go back to uni, and then take it from there. I simply cant ignore it anymore, while its not as bad as it was a few months ago (and nowhere near as awful as it was in the first half of 2017), the issue is still there and I feel like I'm attempting to live my life with a handicap at this point.

 

Definitely do so. Ultimately you are responsible for your life - no one else. That includes family. The whole "family sticks together" and "you do for family" is Hollywood bullshit in my view. Respect, honesty, and solidarity are practices, not assumptions. I'll stop that rant here..

point is - your life is yours to live as you see fit. Utilize any and all tools and resources at your disposal, and be truest to yourself first and foremost (provided of course you're not screwing over someone else in the processes) - Anything that follows is a life well lived (well, almost anything - no absolutes! )

 

Honestly I dont even know why I didn't do it by myself earlier, after all I'm 21, more than old enough to do it myself without anyone's permission or supervision. The only reason I can think of is that when I was talked out of seeking help I convinced myself I WAS overreacting, and for a time clearly believed it.

 

Trust me, you'll have plenty of times in life where something will suddenly appear obvious and you'll wonder "huh, it's so obvious now, why didn't i think of that before?!" - That's the nature of learning, maturing, and growing. Walking and basic arithmetic is stupid simple to us - but to an infant or child those are really difficult activities. It's the nature of life, growing and expanding our skills.
That's how life plays out, and also it's a bit of a verification of growth - thinking back to one's past and realizing "wow, i was so stupid/naive/ignorant/blind back then" - that's a good thing. All that really matters is that you keep trying, keep questioning if what you're doing/listening to is really serving your purpose. If the answer is "yep, this still works for me" - right on! Keep going. If the answer is "nah, this doesn't feel right, i don't feel like this path will help me move forward in life" - then make a change, as difficult as it may be (even baby steps help!). That's the iterative process of evolution.

 

Yeah. It’s too easy for us to hide and it gets worse and worse without us realizing it. The fact that it’s taboo prevented me from talking about it in the past, which was tough. Now that I’m on the forums, it’s so nice to see others are struggling with the same thing. PMO is a silent killer

 

Wow, @spiralingout that was a gr8 post. Thank you. Please understand that ADD is a known and medically proven psychiatric disorder. I’m bipolar with GAD (generalized an anxiety disorder). These result from chemical imbalances in our brains. All these and even schizophrenia are quite common. Being ADD in no way means you don’t have your shit together, it means you’re ADD and nothing else. And yeah, parents love to think whatever we are or may be, or whatever our problems are come about as a reflection of them!

There is no such thing as “normal”, it’s a value judgment. As a guy who happens to be gay, I’ve had to deal with judgment from the age of 10 when I discovered boys and became sexual. I know now that I’m a sex addict and have been since I was 10. But str8 is NOT normal, it’s just common. After all, what IS normal? My parents have a hell of a time accepting I’m gay, and my dad especially sees it as a personal affront, that it reflects on him personally! And that’s mostly cuz of the religious bullshit fed to all of society and the world. Religion is all about guilt and shame, which are perpetuated as a means of controlling people and trying to force people to behave a certain way, to “BE” a certain way. They all use fear as a means of control. I’ve also been in therapy for 2 years and have learned that using fear to try to control someone is using fear to threaten you, just as if they were standing over you with a knife or a gun in their hand. And THAT is an aggressive and victimizing form of abuse. It’s psychological and emotional abuse. Religion and society are complicity and aggressively threatening and bullying us all to try to force us all to act, think, behave and BE who they think we should be. Their whole purpose is to strip us of our natural beauty and who we really are and force us into a “box” so they can manipulate and control us.

Sex is the most taboo subject there is. Because of all the guilt and shame attached to sex, no one wants to talk about it or deal with it. Out society in this country is one of the most fucked-up societies in the world in relation to all things sexual. Arab countries are even worse, Russia (Putin) is right up there too.

Our families can be so very toxic. They push our buttons cuz they INSTALLED them. Our chosen families - if we choose carefully - will love and accept us as we are without judgment. That’s the only family that really matters. I’m lucky to have 2 older guys as mentors who have/are teaching me so much. I’m in SAA (sex addicts anonymous) and what I’ve learned/am learning there is amazing. The 12-step program and the Big Book of AA is the “Life 101” book I never got at since birth.

Ok, I’ll get off my soapbox. I get so riled-up over this shit. But that’s the way I see all this. Love to all of you.
- Beach

 

thanks @Beach for the ack. A side-note - i was driving through Coop City in the Bronx some time ago, noting these massive buildings and imagining how many lives are housed in each building, let alone the entire neighborhood. Then it occurred to me that as rich, complicated, full, challenging, joyous, deep, and painful my life has been with all I've experienced, felt, fought, and done - every single person in that neighborhood has lived their lives equally as much as i have lived mine. Every one of their dramas and challenges are just as significant as mine are to me. As complex as my own psyche is and i'm trying to get better at understanding myself - each person is just as complex. That's friggin' amazing how much is experienced in a given day in a given neighborhood, let alone a year, and so on. The takeaway is 2-fold: 1) every person deserves respect, acknowledgement, patience, acceptance, love, and all that good stuff because every life is just as rich as everyone else's, and 2) there are so many people and so many life experiences that there is bound to be commonality for everyone - literally everyone. We're each unique, yet we have so much in common at the same time. I guess reading your story here reminded me of that dichotomy, in reading about someone I have something in common with (we're both on this site and working through the sex/PMO addition, plus your views on religion, society, and 'normal' very much echo rants i easily get into as well) - yet your story and circumstances are very different from mine. Pretty damn cool, if you ask me, that people can come together to discuss all this shit openly. This is how humans will survive their own hubris...

Anyway, aside from my little side trip there, I agree wholeheartedly across the board. I'm glad you've found mentors to help you along - that's critical. It's possible without mentors, of course, it's just that much more difficult...