teamwork

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by broken heart, Mar 13, 2016.

  1. broken heart

    broken heart Fapstronaut

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    Hello FAP I have been married to a wonderful man for 2 years and when we first met he told me he didn't watch porn what I thought was a plus.After I cought him the first time my world fell apart, he lied to me this whole time and then had the disrespect to do it while I was home. I slept on the couch that night and a few times after cought him again and again just destroying me inside aft more and more to the point where I didn't want to sleep with him anymore for he made me feel so ugly and betraid with his lies that I could stand looking at him anymore. Everytime I cought him he would blame me saying " if you had more sex with me, I wouldn't have to watch porn" so I did and nothing changed. I love him with all my heart and he is my best friend and my true soulmate but something had to change. I cought him two days ago once again and realized this was the last straw I was done broken pieces of my heart layed on the floor and there was nothing that could fix it no sorry no I wont do it again nothing. I was empty inside so I told him actions need to be taken now. Thinking that I had nothing left to give he came home and told me about your site, and what you guys are all about. I never knew the seriousness of his problem until today I feel like I understand him so much more now. I feel like we once again have a conection I feel like this will save our marriage I I'm here to stand by his side so we can work on this together.
     
    Mj1064, tarzaan, Yesodi and 3 others like this.
  2. Red Eagle

    Red Eagle Fapstronaut

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    It's great that he found NoFap. This shows that he knows about the dangers of porn and that he may be willing to stop. It's an addiction and an addiction makes people to something worse than they truly are. Addicts are just shells of there true selves.
    It's great that he has a supportive wife. You need to fight porn together. It's just poison for a relationship.
    Even if he says that if you had more sex with him he wouldn't watch porn, that's not the real problem. You're not his sex doll he can use for sexual gratification whenever he wants. The problem lies within the addictive nature of porn. Porn activates the coolidge effect in the brain. The coolidge effect urges him to have sex with as many women as possible and porn gives him the illusion of doing that. No real woman could ever keep up with that. So don't blame yourself for his problem. Porn is always available and through it's novelty extremely sexually stimulating. It's not your fault. He is addicted to a drug he has to get rid off quickly.
     
    Mj1064, tarzaan, Yesodi and 1 other person like this.
  3. ByeForever!!

    ByeForever!! Fapstronaut

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    Hello friend . Welcome to nofap :)
    Do not blame yourself for his issues. His deep wired addiction Is his own problem.
    He cannot blame anyone for his own problem but himself. High defination internet porn is very stimulating. It releases enough dopamine in your brain to come at par with cocaine addiction.
    Don't let him justify falsely for this grave and sickening addiction just cos "you don't give him enough sex" rubbish. If you didnt give him enough sex he would've spoken to you but turning to pornography has no excuse.

    Coming to nofap is a big step towards improving as we all here are trying to tame our wildest desires. It's a tough path. But highly rewarding. You both need to fight porn together. Don't stress him over with his addiction. Instead talk him through.

    I would recommend spending a few dollars and joint the elite Alexander Rhodes support group. For a tiny price he will get the best motivational and real time support and this journey will be much smoother :)

    Hope you stay strong broken heart. You seem like a very loving and a wonderful woman and he must be very lucky to have you!!
    :)
     
    GenghisKhan2 and broken heart like this.
  4. r8js

    r8js Fapstronaut

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    welcome to nofap.

    hope u will get through this situation successfully & hopefully.
     
    broken heart likes this.
  5. Saturdaze

    Saturdaze Fapstronaut

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    @broken heart - Please don't give up on this website because of other people's posts. Guess there are some really sick people here who get the jollys out of making other people miserable. Most of us here want to be supportive of everyone. A few people can ruin it however. Guess if you see their posts just ignore them and don't even waste your time reading them. Maybe they will read someone's post and get encouraged to change.
     
    Mj1064 and broken heart like this.
  6. broken heart

    broken heart Fapstronaut

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    Today is day two of working with my husband on his addiction. Trying to act as if everything is ok is a little hard to do. He set a goal of no MO for a year and no O For a Week. So I Also cant have any for a week but ill do the challenge with him and also not MO for a year. I don't want him to go thru this alone. We are working on the "us" in our marriage and went out to the movies and lunch after. It was nice sitting next to him and holding hands and falling in love all over again as crazy and stupid as this sounds its like falling in love with a whole different person since he has been honest to me I feel like I love him so much more. Now that he showed me his inner core, his true side. I am still working on myself with the urge to grab His D now that we are taking this week off I don't want to tease him. I am trying to help my husband in every way possible. I am struggling with the trust part still but we both know that will take time and he doesn't expect it to come over night. I still have bad thoughts running thru my head about if he can be strong enough to last a year and if he cant will he be honest enough to tell me, but We are going to do this together.
     
  7. MrsK

    MrsK Fapstronaut

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    The one thing I've learnt being married to an addict is that no matter how much we cry, yell etc it will not stop their behaviours. Be as supportive as you can and share your worries on here. This is my first post and the reason I'm here is to share my worries and concerns. You are not alone in this
     
  8. broken heart

    broken heart Fapstronaut

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    [Q"MrsK, post: 465121, member: 74055"]The one thing I've learnt being married to an addict is that no matter how much we cry, yell etc it will not stop their behaviours. Be as supportive as you can and share your worries on here. This is my first post and the reason I'm here is to share my worries and concerns. You are not alone in this[/QUOTE]
    I completely agree I write in here almost every day it helps me cope with the addiction. We have to stay strong for them and us it isn't easy but we the partners of addicts have eachother to talk to. It helps
     
  9. MrsK

    MrsK Fapstronaut

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    My husband advised me to write on here as when he falls off the wagon I feel heartbroken and let down. I think writing on here will help. I'm already a little anxious as he has a day off work tomorrow and I don't. This is when he's most at risk as he will be waking up at home alone and he's also done 36 hours over the last 3 days in work and when he's tired is another risky time. He leaves his phone downstairs over night as a deterrent but I still worry
     
  10. broken heart

    broken heart Fapstronaut

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    It isn't easy but he needs to find something to keep himself busy video games or a hobby those are my worrys aswell but my husband even did it at work on the toilet so there is no getting away from it you have to trust that he will be honest with you. I hope he stays strong for you two
     
  11. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    Get accountable2u. If he's serious about stopping he won't sqwak
     
    Mj1064 and Yesodi like this.
  12. Purity of Speech

    Purity of Speech Fapstronaut

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    First of all congratulations for taking this on and making such good progress. Because of your resolutions, I just thought of something that might interest you, if you are into reading something together with your husband. Do you know 'Cupid's poisoned Arrow' by Marnia Robinson? The basic idea is that orgasm creates a two week hangover that results in all kinds of marital problems as well as addictive behavior - all due to dopamine intoxication. Her solution is a kind of sexual activity that is instead more geared towards the release of bonding hormones (oxytozine). She explains that idea in a number of youtube clips and you can download one particularly harrowing chapter on porn addiction ('The Road to Excess') for free on here website here. I found it very persuasive...
     
    Rav70 and broken heart like this.
  13. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    @Blixer great read I download it. Thank you.
     
    broken heart likes this.
  14. Mj1064

    Mj1064 Fapstronaut

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    Hi! Glad he showed you this site. It saved my marriage too! I always thought porn and sex addiction was a 'get out' for someone to go and have affairs! There are so many of us on this site who are partners of porn addicts of some description and we have all felt / are feeling the same way you are. The good thing is - if your husband can face his addiction and wants to work through stopping, it can work. You have to be able to talk about it and he needs to show you that he wants to build the trust back (that was the hardest thing for me). Mine and my husband's stories are in my signature. Read lots of stories......it will give you hope. Check out people like TheWife, DireMerl, Rav70, GamerWife (to name a few). Good luck......
     
    Rav70 likes this.
  15. Mj1064

    Mj1064 Fapstronaut

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    Hi - have you thought about getting Accountable2You? I have it on my hubby's laptop and ipad - don't really need it on his phone but it can go on there too. We also have his 'favourite' websites blocked through the router. This software is great and can really put your mind at ease. If he's nothing to hide - he won't mind it being there. It also took the temptation away for my hubby coz he knew it would get reported back to me! Mine is now over 100 days porn free, so there is hope - if they want to help themselves.
     
  16. MrsK

    MrsK Fapstronaut

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    We have spoke about getting it but he wants to do this on his own without the help of software. I am dubious about this and wonder if that's the addiction talking. For me the slips are infrequent and therefore not important it's more the honesty when it's happened. If we had accountable2u it would force him to tell me
     
    broken heart likes this.
  17. Mj1064

    Mj1064 Fapstronaut

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    Hmmm from reading other posts and my own experiences, I know that if I had not had the internet covered, no matter how good his intentions, my hubby would have slipped. I also know he wouldn't have told me and he would have used the incognito pages! I see it as the difference for an alcoholic with having a bottle in a cupboard that he could get to, or a bottle in a locked vault! I also know that just by being on this website, very shortly I will get an email from A2Y because it mentions porn! Every morning I get a full report telling me of any suspicious or highly suspicious internet usage. Every morning it says zero so I don't need to look into the next section, which tells me every single website he was on the day before!
    If he is adamant he doesn't want it........why? If he's not doing anything, it won't hurt him and it will give you peace of mind. Anyway, it's totally your choice. Software isn't for everyone. I wish you both luck in dealing with this.
     
    broken heart likes this.

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