Teddy Bear - Acid Test on Day 103

Thursday I had the best party in 2020. The people were great and I think a great part of it I owe it to nofap that I could enjoy it more, interacting with people and everybody liking me.

But: Later at night there were a lot of drugs involved (NOT recommended!!). I took 1 line of speed, 2 lines of coke and half an ecstasy, drank lots of booze and smoked lots of cigarettes, although usually I don't smoke.
Although the party still felt great, - for everybody who knows, how the coming-down of coke, speed and ecstasy on the following day feels, you definetely will know the danger while coming down from it: You get massively horny. And by that, I mean like horny in the first 48 hours starting nofap, but 3 times stronger. So that was the greatest challenge of discipline I had to face during my whole 105 days until today (or 102 days until then).

The struggle was so tough, even the Teddy Bear didn't work. If I didn't have my pornblocker app on my phone I would definetely would have relapsed. In the end the only thing that worked, was to visualize all the benefits I laborously gained in the past months. People who used to try to look down on me, have changed to respect me in the last weeks. I didn't want to lose that in one instance. I imagined so hard, how it will be, if they would coninue respecting me, - a feeling that I never had before in over 30 years of my life (the feeling of being a kind of a "popular kid"). So after a few hours lying in the bed, I finally calmed down. Thank god, my laptop (which doesn't have a porn blocker) was in the kitchen, and I was too tired to walk into the kitchen, and switch it on.

I think when you get so horny and at the same time you are in an altered state of mind, you start to think: If I relapsed, so what? The inner devil was saying to myself, that I was on drugs, I could "plead insanity" anyways, it doesn't count as "relapsing deliberately", I would not "held responsibilty" for it. And you think, "Now it would feel so extremely good, better than usual, the chance of feeling such an ecstatic feeling will not come back soon again, especially because you're doing nofap."

So it was ultra hard, and the next time, I know that I can definetely not withstand it, so I will not taking drugs at partys anytime soon. I actually still feel the hangover 3 days after the party, so it is not recommended. Thanks to nofap, I continued my microhabits (working out, meditate, yoga, learning language app) and still cleaned my room, took a walk, bought groceries, cooked my meals and everything. Before nofap, I would have just stayed in bed and pmoed, until the hangover was over (and ordering a pizza for eating).

I'm so glad and alleviated, that I did'nt destroy my nofap record, and I think there was so much luck involved. But this was a lesson: There are situations, that has to be avoided at all costs, because you cannot control them, you cannot outwit your own brain, when you're on certain drugs (escpecially dopaminergic ones). (While some other drugs at least don't make you horny.)

This experience was definetely not a cakewalk at all.

 

In my society it's more like some social recreational thing like smoking or drinking a beer. I don't do it that often, like once in a year, because the availability was not always given.

By "insane", I meant more metaphorically like being on court and pleading insanity. In a sense of "not holding responsibility for one's action". I'm gonna edit that, so there won't be further misunderstandings.

I never did it constantly, and it is not at all comparable to PMO, which in my personal opinion is much more addictive than most of the drugs. I'm not saying this, to downplay the effects of drugs, but my reports posted in this forum are experiential reports during my process of becoming a better self, with all the ups and downs, successes and throwbacks, and not a collection of perfect examples. Along the way everyone will be confronted with risks and dangers. In the end, it is not being a flawless human, that determines your glory, but how you deal with your flaws and how you react to your mistakes, and what you learn out of it for the future. What I did, was not easy and give me 9 out of 10 people in a similar circumstance, who wouldn't have dealt with it so well.

Edit: And people with one addiction, for example Pmo, often have other addictions too or other issues. So get used to it, it is better establishing a culture here in the forum, where people can talk openly about overcoming their issues instead of judging each other. Everyone starts from where they are, I cannot skip the necessary steps (dealing with the risks that come from drugs) and pretend I never had a drug experience in my life.

 

Of course I agree with you in general. But my report was not about drug addiction. I didn't replace Pmo with drugs. I had experiences with drugs long before nofap and it was always very moderate compared to my binging on pmo (which played a dominant part in my everyday's life).
Dealing with self rejection, anxiety and non-love is one of the main themes in all my other posts (you can check them out), and concerning my specific person, all this was revolving around my Pmo addiction.
As I said, I absolutely agree with you, that self rejection, anxiety and non-love of course play a role in any addiction, wether linked to substances or non-substance-addictions, but in my case it is only linked to Pmo. I do know drug addicted people personally and I try to help and support them too, to overcome their drug habits, for example with the help of my nofap experiences.
And when I am writing about a certain situation, in which drugs are involved and when I reflect how it affects my nofap/pmo lifestyle, I would be glad if people read my post as attentively the same as I put reflection and honesty into my writing. And not seeing the buzzword "Drugs" and immediately generalize to their prejudiced understanding of the topic, neglecting the real message and complexity of the post.

Edit: To get the right picture, I would like to add, that it was at a party, where everybody was partying very hard, everybody was drunk and lots of people had drugs with them and were doing drugs. I restrained myself only to a little amount, that I was offered, and if you have read my post attentively, I wrote that I didn't consume any in my 105 days of nofap, (and in fact not a single time in 2020). So immediateley associating it with drug addiction and calling it a "choice" to replace the pmo habit with drugs is a severe misunderstanding and invalidation of the things I wrote.

 

Thank you so much, Envoy. It means a lot to me. I won't do it again, because I won't have so much luck a second time.

Next time I won't make it. Thank you very much for sharing, I'll stay away.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and your advice! I'll stick to it!

There won't be a next time though, because the next time a pmo relapse is guaranteed!