Tell my girlfriend everything

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by benvy, Apr 24, 2019.

  1. benvy

    benvy Fapstronaut

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    I tell her everything. She is aware of my addiction and tries to be supportive by asking me "have you watched porn today?" That question doesn't help. I get anxious and feel as if I've done something wrong, even when I haven't. I appreciate my girl for being so supportive, but how do I get rid of the feeling that I'm constantly being judged?
    Also, any strategies to help me abstain from the porns in times of stress? Please and thank you.
     
  2. Peter808

    Peter808 Fapstronaut

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    Hmmm, I kinda am in the same situation. If you're not lying to yourself and be honest with her, just be proud to tell her NO!. See thing is my own GF always told me that she'd better know I MOed or PMOed so her expections are set right instead of me lying to her and it would not work when we'd be trying to have sex. So simple. They are supportive. Yet so hard because every relapse is a failure and we don't like to fail. We don't like to be seen as a failure.

    You know what I just did? I created a private google sites with my counter, my goals, my key success factors. And a google agenda that act as a log. I gave access to her. She can go read everything I write. I'm done lying. I'm done lying to myself, more even so than to her.

    I've wasted the last 4-5 years not being 100% honest and i'm done. When you lie to yourself, you feel ashamed, you get to bed with your girl, you don't get hard, which triggers suspicion in your girl's head - and they know, they're smart. They're right. You PMOed of course. How many times that happened to me. I am lucky she's still with me.

    But now I've had enough. Enough even lying to myself. If I relapse she'll know, and we try to learn from that and do better after.

    I understand how you feel. It feels like you're being policed. BUT, She's just trying to help.

    Oh, in times of stress... TURN TO HER. She might even be able to help if you're in any need of sexual release! My GF already told how saddening it was I was turning to porn for comfort instead of her.
     
    Butterfly1988 and benvy like this.
  3. benvy

    benvy Fapstronaut

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    I like that. I'm open with her, but I haven't emotionally opened myself up completely. Instead of telling her everything with confidence that she'll support me, I tell her the truth while guarding myself from what seems like a monster. But she's not a monster. She is my lifeline and I need to realize that we are on the same side. It's just hard when my actions cause arguments.
    I always feel like the bad guy for having this addiction to porn, even though the seeds of addiction were planted when I was only 10 years old (I'm 22 now). I need to shed this affinity for porn, even if it takes another 10-12 years
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  4. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

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    You don't like the question because you don't like the answer. Create a situation where your honest response to the question is what you both want to hear.
     
    Susannah and iLoveRain like this.
  5. Also consider working with one or more male APs. Tell them the nitty-gritty details instead of your SO. SO is a support to you, for sure, but she should not feel the need to be your mother or babysitter. Of course, be honest with your SO regardless.
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  6. Peter808

    Peter808 Fapstronaut

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    Wow, that is so true. How many times did I put myself in that situation... Thanks for putting it that way, so blatantly true...
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  7. JustOnePair

    JustOnePair Fapstronaut

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    I have found myself thinking similar things. Whenever my SO asks if I have watched porn, I hear it in anger, rather than a checking-up question. So I've taken to thinking "If you've got nothing to hide, then she won't be angry".
     
  8. Pepezapallito

    Pepezapallito Fapstronaut

    Leyendo tu post Me di cuenta de lo siguiente. Soy miembro de un grupo de 12 pasos como es alanon. En AA le dicen a los miembros que sean honestos consigo mismos y también con sus familiares, pero todo lo que se habla en las reuniones de A.A. queda ahí. Nuestros familiares no saben cómo actuar frente a una adicción, hacen lo mejor que pueden con lo que tienen, no saben si sirven lo que hacen, ellos creen que si. Mi reflexión es que tú esposa debe saber solamente qué tenés esa adiccion y que estás haciendo lo correcto para recuperarte, leyendo en el foro, teniendo amistades con miembros en el foro, y nada más. Todo lo demás es algo intimo muy íntimo. A lo sumo, puedes dejarle unos " pasos a seguir en crisis" hacerte recordar las herramientas que puedes aplicar en etapas de flitline " haz lo que te gusta" que te haga recordar leer literatura, que te haga recordar hablar con tu socio y nada más. Lo demás es responsabilidad nuestra. Y si nuestra esposa tiene autoestima baja? Cargaría con nuestra adicción! Y no es así, nosotros nos tenemos que hacer cargo de lo nuestro. Ojalá te sirva.
     

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