Tell Your Wife

One of the most liberating things I've ever done!

 

Ked, lady, I understand where you're coming from. And I don't dismiss the pain and difficulty that a husband's addiction to pornography puts his wife through. I definitely get it; I've done plenty of damage to my previous marriage back in the day, and I've seen the havoc wreaked in my other relationships as well because of it. So, what you say is true when you describe the hurt that a wife goes through.

I cannot advocate your advice, however. Not for the most part.

You already know a chunk of my perspective of women. On one hand, the main reason I'm giving up pornography is for purity among women (namely one in particular) and purity in myself. I have taken to seeing the sacredness and value and worth of the woman rather than the objectification of her. On the other hand, I have also seen all of the temperamental, self-centered, cruel, life-sucking parasitism that many women are capable of.

Every time with no exception that I can think of where I've seen men tell their wives about their addiction, the result is rather disgusting. In each case I've seen, the man tells his wife, who immediately treats him like a leper, an outcast, a wretch. In her anger, frustration, and confusion, she lashes out and makes demands, criticisms, and accusations - all with a complete lack of understanding an an inability to comprehend the situation. She feels betrayed, even though in all likelihood the addiction has nothing to do with her directly and has been going on long before she new her husband (more likely these days). Even when she does see fit to let her husband out of the dog cage, she has often worked busily to whip him into a mewling little pup, groveling at her feet and indebted to her for the foreseeable future. At best, it gives her great pain that she cannot understand; at worst, it gives her a weapon to bring up and manipulate him with in the future.

I have seen this behavior in women of all caliber, nationality, and ethnicity. Women seem to be simply ill-equipped to understand pornography addictions, and especially ill-equipped to handle them. And the dire consequences for most husbands are that they become second-class human beings in their own homes. Their wives look upon them with disgust and pain. The respect and admiration that might have been there are replaced with a damning "I don't even know you" approach. This is how women of this modern day react, whether Christian or secular, American or European, well-raised or ill-raised.

While I agree that the wife probably already knows something is amiss and may very well pick up on the pornography addiction (if she didn't already know about it before marriage), I stress that in almost every circumstance, the wife or girlfriend cannot be involved in the process. All they are capable of doing, with very few exceptions, is to drain the life out of the man - issuing demands, ultimatums, trying to control and manipulate the situation out of exasperation, fear, or desperation. It is tormenting for a husband to inflict pain in his wife or lose her trust or admiration or respect.

I'm glad it's working out for you, if it is. My experience has severely differed from yours.

 

Every time without exception?

Well, now you know my case. My wife didn't treat me that way. So you have an exception.

Also, we owe the truth to all people, so if you violate your chastity with your wife, you owe her the truth. Period. If she leaves you, that's her choice to make. You can't deny her her choice just because you selfishly want to keep a secret! That is unjust.

The way women respond, even if badly, doesn't free you from your duty to tell her.

I'm very sorry most women are bitches about it, but, again, that's not the man's choice to make.

Tell her. Be a man. A good man. If she responds by being a horrible cunt, that's on her. Your conscience is clean!

Respect and admiration, you say? Give me a break! If you keep secrets, that respect and admiration she has for you is built on lies!

 

I'm not suggesting that the right thing to do is to keep anything from your wife. I'm just pointing out that it rarely, if ever, turns out well from that point forward. The wife leaving, well, the husband is rarely that fortunate. Instead, he's often subjected to a never-ending combination of anguish, condemnation, and subtle loathing from his wife. What I would definitely suggest under most circumstances is to keep the wife out of the process. Out of dozens of women, I've only seen one or two that seem even remotely capable of swallowing the details and the depth of it all without turning caustic.

And why? Because, frankly, most women are selfish. Their first approach is always to think of how a situation affects them or matters to them, and this in turn makes them easily defensive and more susceptible to take offense. This self-centered approach really makes it impossible for most women to understand the situation, or consider the fact that, hey, their men are actually going through hell trying to deal with this stuff, perhaps it's not all about them after all.

If she has to know you have an addiction, fine. But she's not equipped to handle and process the minute details any more than a civilian is equipped to contemplate and internalize the horrors of war like a soldier is. The more she knows, the more involved she is, the more it hurts her and the more it eats away at her insecurities and fears and esteem. Trust me when I say that keeping her out of the loop is not purely selfish by any stretch; the last thing a real man wants to do is see his wife go through agony.

Also, take a step back. If it worked for you, great. You and your wife's cleaver-stroke method is not necessarily the best one in this situation. This is not an ivory tower situation where the goodness and rightness of an action outweigh every other consideration. Even if it is the right thing to do, the consequences are liable to be disastrous - and for what? Some self-righteousness? A clean conscience? A pornography addict doesn't know what those words mean.

I'm not sure how to get through to you on this, but I'm sure you've made up your mind in any case. Your demeanor seems rather cold and dismissive - which, honestly, complements the meat-cleaver approach rather well.

 

Wow. You didn't listen to anything I said, which is just what I expected. Clearly, you hate women, and you talk as if you've personally met most women on the planet.

A real man owns up to his mistakes, come what may. A boy hides behind excuses. A filthy PMOing troll hides behind lies.

It's that simple.

You're yoked to a woman who's gonna make your life hell? Should've thought about that before you started lying to her and going behind her back to pound your pud like a troll down by the boiler in the dark!

Oh, you were addicted before you met her? Then you should've told her while you were dating so she could make a clear decision.

Finally, the goodness and rightness of an action always outweighs every other consideration. Always. Otherwise YOU are the one in the ivory tower of lies. . .except it's not ivory at all. That's just what you convince yourself it is. Actually, it's oozing black pus from your filthy lies.

 

Wow, dude. I clearly hate women? Filthy PMOing troll? Is that what you think? I was trying to detail my perspective here, and you want to start throwing insults and calling names? You can seriously go fuck yourself, you self-righteous little prick. Holy shit, man. Seriously. Fuck off.

It occurs to me that this is why no one I know respects Catholics. Y'all have an answer for everything - it's just a self-righteous, condescending, stupid-ass answer. I thought maybe I'd give you the benefit of the doubt, but no, Mr. Judgemental showed just how much of an ass he could be.

 

Cheers for that. You've proved my point.

By the way, after that part about you hating women, "you" is the general you, not you personally. But if you want to take offense and go off the handle, maybe I hit too close to home?

Judgmental? Very much! It means I have the mental capacity to make a judgment call about something. I would hope everyone is judgmental about such a serious topic as this.

 

First, he was stating his experience, everything that he's dealt with. And personally, by the women in my life I would have to agree. Not many women are capable of handling this type of issue. Being Weiland's girlfriend I want to be understanding and allow him to do the things necessary to get through this. Yet, not a lot of women get this. They do feel that it's hurting or betraying them, in reality, it's the man who is dealing with this. This in an addiction that he is trying to cope with and doesn't need constant belittling by the person he loves and trusts to share this with.

As a woman, we react with our emotions. Especially when we cannot understand what's going on. An addiction is personal and it's hard enough to deal with without berating and making you feel worthless. I'm sorry you can't see that point of view, and you assume that because someone has had that experience they ultimately hate women. There are a lot of selfish women, believe it or not. And it is very hard to trust them with this type of issue when they cannot be mature enough to at least try to understand what the man is going through.

Yes. It's an issue, but he shouldn't be made to apologize every step of the way to the point where he's held down by his partners reactions. There should be understanding and support, and the point he was trying to make is that from his experience, there aren't many women capable of that.

(Also, that ''judgement'' comes from not being able to understand where someone else is coming from. That isn't discernment, that's ignorance.)

 

I was actually going to suggest that when it comes down to it, men (especially married men in committed relationships) tend to be much less selfish in comparison - at least, in regards to this particular issue. Generalizing by saying that "essentially everyone can be selfish" kind of misses the point here. Contrary to the bullshit modern feminism movement, men really do get the raw end of the deal sometimes.

After that barrage, though, I'm just going to call it quits for tonight. I've already had to add one lunatic to my ignore list and I don't care to dig into this any further for now. Work in the morning, and all.

 

Sorry, I just had to ask though: who are you to "judge" a fellow Fapstronaut? Sure you have the capability to make a judgement call about something, but blatantly judging one of your fellow Fapstronauts is absurd. None of us, ALONG with you, do NOT have the right to judge under any circumstances, regardless of the topic or not. Period. End.

Just absurd if you ask me.

 

Nageroma, I understand where he's coming from (he's hurt from a vicious woman in his past). But he's wrong. That's the point here. He says don't tell the wife because she might not understand and might make his life hell. He's wrong. A man must tell his wife, no matter the circumstances. It has nothing to do with knowing or not knowing someone's situation. It has everything to do with the TRUTH.

Weiland, I guess you can't read this because you added me to your ignore list? Fine. That's exactly what a coward does: he runs from people speaking the truth to him. Coward!

 

Here are the facts, beauty.

I believe that if you're a PMOer, you need to tell your wife.
He disagrees.
I disagree with his disagreement. It's not me judging. It's me disagreeing.

 

Hmm I didn't quite understand your point there. I thought you were judging him. To me that's ludicrous. An old saying goes, "Before you begin to judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes".

Glad we cleared this up.

 

That isn't the truth though, and you're just trying to ignore the fact that there are women that are incapable of handling things like this. Because you're able to speak with your wife about it, doesn't make it easier for other men to. The thing is, you are not always right. And just because you have a viewpoint, doesn't make you correct on how to handle that situation. You have to be aware of the woman's emotional state when you share things with her, especially of this nature.

And don't be calling someone a coward when you barely know what you're talking about. It gets tedious when you try and help people and they insist of sticking to their old ways, and honestly, if you're just going to stick to the "I'm right" mindset, it's pointless even trying to help you understand.

And there's a difference between discerning how to tell your wife and not telling her at all. You have to trust that she will be capable of handling it.

 

I've walked in his shoes. I PMOed every day from the ages of 13 to 30-fucking-7. Yeah, I know all about it. I also know that telling one's wife is essential to healing and recovery. Anyone hiding it from his wife is a LIAR, which means he has bigger problems that PMO. And now I'm clean. Have been for two years. No going back to that shit. And why? Because I'm not only not a PMOing troll, I'm not a liar, either!

That dude blocked me because he can't handle the truth. Sad to see a man so emasculated.

 

Nageroma, if your man wants to talk to me, tell him to be man enough to do it himself. I'm not interested in him relaying messages through you.

See, people, this all goes hand in hand -- manliness. Men are no longer men. Hence they PMO. Hence they run away. Hence they can't handle the truth. Hence they become liars. Break the cycle! Man up, men!

 

You don't like hearing other opinions and thoughts. And he is able to speak with me about it because I am and I make it a point to be understanding. He is no troll, and it's a copout way of putting it by calling someone a troll when they disagree with you. That in itself, is ''trolling."

And he isn't ''relaying'' anything, I'm making it a point to put my thoughts as a woman, out there. There is a two-way street here. There are women who are not able to handle this, that is a fact.

 

On this forum, more so than ANY other forum on the internet, one has to be compassionate and show some decency. In a way, you are judging him jmark, and to me, that's not ok. Your views are highly supercilious, it's degrading.

You're points make loads of sense jmark. So do your opinions. But show some respect towards other Fapstronauts is what I'm asking.