Telling my Fiance

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Nofapricus, Sep 17, 2014.

  1. Nofapricus

    Nofapricus Fapstronaut

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    It happened just this last week. My fiance of a year, whom I've been with over four years, finally knows absolutely everything about me. And let me tell you from my personal experiences.. you might be incredibly surprised by your woman/man's love and support for you.

    I had been quiet about my problem for years, as it's something I developed since my childhood. It carried on into my relationship, though not nearly as much, but still a bad habit.
    She had even asked me several times if I had watched porn, to which I lied. She had even said long ago that if she ever caught her partner doing that (not really directed at me, but still) she would INSTANTLY break up with them. So.. yeah. Not only was I too much of a bastard lying coward, but I really just did not want to hurt her - I felt the truth would be too much for her and she deserved better.

    She is also my entire world. My best friend, my soul mate, everything. How could I lose that? I felt my life would just completely crumble away and the only thing left to comfort me would be the same agonizing process that brought it down.

    But she still deserved the truth. So I told her.

    I figured that the relationship was over, so I told her from the get-go of the confession I did not expect her to feel sorry, stay with me, or ever forgive me. This was something that I had created long before us and it is terrible, wrong, and disrespectful.

    And what did she do?

    She was completely understanding, gave me a hug and told me she loved me unconditionally and would help me through this (as I had told her all about rebooting) and she UNDERSTOOD that this was an addiction. Yes, she was sad at the thought of what I had done, and she had every right to be. Honestly, part of me was wishing she would leave me to find something better for her life.

    But she was amazingly supportive, and I felt like an OVER 9,000 ton weight had been lifted from my shoulders. This was the one thing, the one dark secret I had held from absolutely everyone my whole life. Telling her was the hardest thing I have ever done.

    And also the best. Because now that I have her support, I have every confidence in myself that this problem is over.

    So if anyone else is feeling anxious or confused about whether or not to disclose the info to their significant other, let me tell you this advice from my experience: if they truly love you and understand you, they will stand by you. You might be pleasantly surprised.

    Of course, everyone is different and will probably not handle this the same. But in my confession, it led to a deep conversion between us about more understanding about ourselves that carried on for hours, and it was beautiful. I feel more connected to my fiance now than ever.

    Regardless, from the numerous advice of others on this forum I've read, you should always be honest. Think not of your consequences, but their's. How would you feel if they had a dark secret that would probably upset you in some way?
     
  2. Weiland

    Weiland Fapstronaut

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  3. Nofapricus

    Nofapricus Fapstronaut

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    Hah trust me, I'm working on it.
     
  4. singed

    singed Fapstronaut

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    I don't want to rehash it right now, but the brutal irony of that sentence was almost physically painful.
     
  5. Nikantor22

    Nikantor22 Fapstronaut

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    Bravo sir, more balls than I possess, that's for sure
     
  6. okcid

    okcid New Fapstronaut

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    I am basically you my friend. Tonight I have found all these resources and even in a few hours i feel more empowered than I have in a long time. I want to face up to this, I have a fiancé myself and we basically struggle to spend time together due to our work shift patterns, and as a result I have developed this addiction I didn't realise I had until now. It has affected our intimacy and it is not fair on her. I want to sort this, I am up for the 90 day challenge, I am up for seeing a therapist and getting it all off my chest. The only thing is I don't know if I can yet come clean to her. You are so right that if she loves me then it will make things stronger, the only thing that nags if what if I can sort this myself quickly? I might be deluding myself but I don't want to hurt her if I can help it. If only we had that crystal ball to know how it would go down hey..
     
  7. chasingKaizen

    chasingKaizen Fapstronaut

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    I'm afraid to tell my partner. Soon I want to ask her to marry me, I've been saving for a ring for a while now. But there's that elephant in the room, the one I see and she doesn't because I've hidden it.

    What you wrote, how you've kept it a secret from everyone, it was like reading my own experience, the sad loneliness and feeling that if you were to tell, that she'd leave you.

    I am right there now, that's why I found this place, so I could finally be free of this damned addiction. But it doesn't feel like enough, it's better than if I just kept doing it, but it'll still be there, the canker in the rose.

    I am a coward. I admire how brave you were, and I hope that eventually I will be.
     
  8. Tombuktu

    Tombuktu Fapstronaut

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    Well done and it was certainly a great move. Honesty is always the best course of action for a healthy relationship.

    Unfortunately, no, your problem is not over. You have just began to heal and the journey ahead will be filled with highs and lows, successes and difficulties. Opening up to your fiancee is just a start. You now need to find the root causes of your addiction and deal with them. This can take a long time and. Good luck
     

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