Telling my (soon to be) girlfriend

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Jonathan Smith, Jun 18, 2020.

  1. Jonathan Smith

    Jonathan Smith Fapstronaut

    Hey everyone, just some background.

    I’ve met a great girl. She’s so good to me and I really enjoy being around her. I plan on asking her out officially tomorrow in person. Tomorrow she is expecting us to be intimate together for the first time.

    I suffer from PIED.

    I have about a 7 day streak, but I doubt I’m ready for sexual intimacy no matter how badly I want to be.

    I realize if I want this to work I should tell her the truth. She deserves to know especially since I’ve been dodging sexual intimacy for some time now. Another reason is I know cuddling and other forms of intimacy with someone you care about help the rebooting process.

    I’m just petrified to tell her. I was wondering if anyone has told their girlfriend and has any tips. How did you explain it? How did they react? How should I phrase it so she doesn’t think I’m such a sexual deviant?

    one issue is she has said in the past she HATES porn. She feels no one in a relationship should watch it. So I’m just a little nervous now she’s going to react in having feelings for a recovering porn addict.

    Any advice is helpful and thank you for reading. God (or whatever deity you may follow) bless you all.
  2. Jonathan Smith

    Jonathan Smith Fapstronaut

    Thank you man I appreciate it!
  3. ZeroChill

    ZeroChill Fapstronaut

    You only have 1 choice because sooner or later things will turn bad in many ways. She will feel that she is not attractive enough and bla bla bla. Only 1 choice..

    Three things cannot be long hidden, the sun, the moon and the truth.
  4. Jonathan Smith

    Jonathan Smith Fapstronaut

    Hate to make another post but I’m really looking for advice.

    how did you do it? How did they receive it? How should I phrase it?

    Any and all help would be HUGE
  5. Hello Jonathan!

    It is never easy to open about something that takes place in one of your most private areas in life! I did it twice with my both partners I had while PMO recovery and both times it was very uncomfortable. Nevertheless, I would always do it again because it feels like a huge burdon is taken from your shoulders when being able to open up. I started to experience ED in the early stage of my first relationship. The girl was quite open-minded - watching porn by herself from time to time - and took it quite well at the beginning. Nevertheless, having some anxiety and personal issues herself, over the time it became a huge issue for both of us. She started to feel personaly responsible and hurt by my ED because she felt like I did not adore her and find her attractive. Of course that was not true! Sadly, back then I hadn't realized the severity of my addiction and that all the problems were so tightly connected with it. Therefore, besides trying to quit porn and failing misserabely I did not to do how to be able to fight my ED. I faced issues until the end of the relationship and even though my addiction wasn't the cause for the end of the relationship it for sure had a huge negative impact on it.

    In my second relationship I decided to be straight forward with my new girlfriend. We were talking to each other for a few months and after seeing each other a few times I opened up with her in a long talk. At that point we did not share intimicy but I did want to give her the "hop out" option. Going into a relationship with an addicted person can be though, exhausting, frustrating and hurtful sometimes. I really liked her and I could not imagine to hide this big fact about me. I knew that sooner or later some of the issues would show and could become a problem for her too. Surprisingly, even though she never has watch a porn, she was quite understanding and asked me several questions. How would that affect our relationship, what are my issues exactly, and so on. She is really supportive and not pressuring that helped me a lot so far. Whenever I tell her that I made this progress or will take certain actions to better recover, she is so happy for me too. I have had several very successful runs since being with her and I also changed my mind and goals quite a lot. What is important for me is that I show her that I make steps actively torwards my recovery, like telling her that I am spending lots of time in a porn recovery forum, buying and readying books or go to therapy to make further progress. What I don't do is making her my accountability partner. I think the pressure of addiction should not become also her pressure. If I fail, I fail and take resposibility for that but it doesn't mean that we failed because her support she always gives me leave their marks in my mind and help me to recover. Secondly, she is not responsible for my recovery. I, only I am, as much as I am the only person that is responsible for my happiness.

    I think one thing that has been a huge support in my current relationship is the fact that my girlfriend is not interested in the details of my addiction. We all have seen quite disturbing things over the years, that we all felt discusted about afterwards. Your partner should not be faced with the same horrible pictures in their minds as you are. It could lead them to start to see you in other eyes, but also I see it not quite fair why they should be dealing with something that I should deal alone. When I get asked "what did you watch", I usually answer "Everything, everything you can imagine. Sometimes also things I wish I would not have seen.". If there are follow up questions I say that "I do not feel comfortable to talk about it just with my therapist or other addicts" - which is true. When I have a fallback I do not immediatley tell her but when she asks me I am honest to her. In general we have an agreement that she always can ask me anything but I also have the right to not answer some question if they are not comfortable. After opening up do not lie anymore because it will make you seem to be unreliable.

    I think you should keep these points in mind:
    • People who love and care for you will accept you with your issues.
    • Telling the truth will be releaving.
    • Skipping the details of your addiction like preferences in porn or what you have seen should not be the topic.
    • Do not make your partner your accountability partner.
    • Show your partner that you take active steps towards recovery (go to therapy, be active in this forum, ...)
    • Do not lie to your partner anymore - it will make you unreliable.
    • Make clear to them that you are responsible to face your problems yourself!
    • Do not promises that you cannot hold (like: "I will never do that again!" instead say "I will try my best to get better!")
    • Make youself no promises you cannot hold (then you also will not lie to your partner by accident).
  6. ZeroChill

    ZeroChill Fapstronaut

    PIED is real. the other guy is either lucky enough not to have it or hes just a troll.

    Just change your girlfriend according to your "specs" its not someone with a sane mind would say.

    Again PIED is real and im a patient as well. If u have time just go visit ybop website and find the main reason why guys are rebooting.

    PS. If u have been in this forum for some time its not hard to identify ignorant ppl or troll. Our fellow nofappers handle them with self experience based on recorded facts.
  7. And the forum managers or whoever deleted my post for calling him out as a troll, go figure.
    Yes, it is real, as we all know.
  8. Stanza

    Stanza Fapstronaut

    Man seriously?? PIED is rhe most common thing that young people suffer for looking porn
    Ogikubo likes this.
  9. Jonathan Smith

    Jonathan Smith Fapstronaut

    thank you so much man! This post really helped a lot I needed this
    tavla and Chris_Cactusblossom like this.
  10. tritonboats

    tritonboats Fapstronaut

    Hey bro, I know it's a scary thing to do but if she cares about you it will be good and you won't regret telling her. I had to tell my girlfriend of 1 year not too long ago about my pied and PMO struggles and she was very supportive and helped me a lot, and in the end I think it has strengthened my relationship rather than hurt it. I know it's daunting, but it needs to be addressed and it will make a big difference for you emotionally and in your relationship. You got this man you can do it.
    Deleted Account and tavla like this.
  11. ImASinnerWhoJesusSaved

    ImASinnerWhoJesusSaved Fapstronaut

    As others have said, although it will be difficult, it's best to be open especially early on.

    Also, I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but regardless of that, it may actually be healthy to intentionally refrain from sex until your PIED is taken care of. If you try to have sex and then can't perform, it could hurt your self-esteem really badly and make things worse. On top of that, your partner may also not fully understand that your PIED is not her fault, and may attribute the problem to being unattractive to you. So maybe you could go to her, explain your struggle (knowing that she might not want any part of it) and also explain the effect it has had on your body. As with most cases of being vulnerable, it leaves you just that--open to be hurt. But it's better to address it now than later. That's just part of being a responsible human.
  12. CodeTalker

    CodeTalker Fapstronaut

    So, did you ask her out ?

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