Telling to my wife or not?

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by fercho29, May 23, 2015.

Should I tell my wife I am a porn addict struggling to recover?

  1. Yes, this will help me because I do not need to hide it anymore

    14 vote(s)
    100.0%
  2. No, she will get upset and this will add more stress to the NoFap already stressful challenge

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  1. I 'd like to get advise from guys that are rebooting longer .
    I am in my 11 th Day and I am feeling much better and my mind is starting to think clearer as far as I go with the program
    I realized I am on a personal fight against this addiction and my wife knows nothing about it
    Do you think telling her about my addiction and struggles will help?
    Should I be ashamed to tell her that I have been addicted to porn for the last 38 years? Or do you think she will like to know and will help me?
    Thank you for helping me with this one
     
  2. mv8652

    mv8652 Fapstronaut

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    I don't think that's for any of us to say, because we don't know your wife. If she's loving and supportive, no matter what, it might be good to have her to encourage you and watch your back; but if she's the jealous type who might be hurt to know that you've long done porn behind her back, then don't tell her. You'll have to make the call.
     
  3. Nerdman

    Nerdman Fapstronaut

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    I have that same issue as you and have been keeping it a tight secret since I met my wife 8 years ago. I know my wife's attitude towards P so I don't think that I could tell her personally. But that's a tough question that I've been struggling with myself for quite some time and can relate.
     
  4. She has always been very supportive with me and she forgave several "missteps " I did in my life, but in this case I am a bit more hesitant because:
    A. She told me long time ago that she knew that something was happening to me and that I was "absent and with the mind somewhere else", and I denied it
    B. I am afraid that she will be too overprotective , start asking me all the time if I fapped, if I watched porn again, etc. and I will feel suffocated

    On the other hand I believe that it can be helpful if she knows, because it will take some weight from inside
     
  5. I may be just an 18 year old dude who's not married, but if there's one thing that four years of high school taught me, it was that our minds often stress over the worst case scenario. From a high school perspective, it's: What if she gets mad at me because of what I did? What if she hates me? What if I'm such a lousy person, that this is going to be the final straw that ruins everything for me? Funny enough, a high school perspective isn't much different from anyone when you're worried about being hurt or hurting the ones you love.

    It's not my call, whatsoever. But from your two statements, that she knew at one point that something was up, and that you're worried that she'll be way too overprotective and suffocate you, I think that that's a bit of that same mindset. I may not know you, or your wife. But... I feel, personally, (if you decide to tell her) you should explain your fears! Communication is a major thing in all relationships. Communication and information are the foundations of Intimacy. Knowing each other, helping each other. I would explain how you are doing well, and that you are getting help, and explain that she doesn't need to treat you like a tender puppy needing love and tender care, or a child needing to be constantly watched.

    Whether you're religious or not, I believe that love covers a multitude of sins. Meaning, love is capable of washing away our faults. Both, in God's love, and in the love of our friends, families, and spouses. Sometimes we blow things out of proportion. :) It's your decision, but I think that if you do tell her, things will work out. :)
     
    LukeK, Fro 29 and underrecovery like this.
  6. Hi Denton
    Maybe you are 18 years old but you think like a mature grown up, congratulations, man.
    You are perfectly right in what you said, and yous insight was very helpful.
    I think I will wait one more week until I am more advanced in my reboot and I will sit down and explain her the whole thing and how she can help me to win this war.
    I am sure that she wil tell me " I knew it" ( she always knows things, I cannot explain how, probably is the sixth sense that woman have). Probably she will be a bot upset at the beginning but I am sure that she will end up helping me.
    Of course the problem is that now every time I am in the bathroom for more than 5 minutes she will ask me what I am doing ( I used to hide in the bathroom with my IPad to Fap).
    I cannot believe so many things I took the risk all these years. Lately I was even fapping watching porn in bed while she was sleeping next to me. I think that the thrill and the risk is part of the adrenaline that porn addiction makes us desire so much, right?
    I am in my 13 th day and I cannot believe how many times I risked getting discover fapping in the office, in my house, etc. actually my breaking point when I decided to start looking for help was three weeks ago, when I paid to watch porn with my credit card and my 23 years old son discovered me
    I was so embarrassed that I realized I needed help
    Peace and thank you again for your advise, you are young but very smart
    Fernando
     
  7. Limeaid

    Limeaid Guest

    Absolutely tell your wife and tell her to come here for support. There are many couples going through this together on here right now. My husband has been PMO free for 2 years now and it was essential that I knew and helped him. I know most men want to 'go it alone' but this is a mistake in a marriage. She knows something is up and you owe it to her as your partner to fill her in on what is going on.

    @Blondewife @significantother
     
    Blondewife and Deleted Account like this.
  8. Hi Limeaid
    Thank you for your advise, it is useful to have the point of view of a woman.
    You are right, she always knows when something is bothering or something is wrong.
    On the other hand, it is really tough to sit down and start this conversation. I am starting my recovery and I do not feel so strong, these first 13 days have been really stressful. I've never thought this addiction was so attached to my brain.
    But I am planning to talk with her sooner or later, probably pnce I feel that my rebooting is for ral this time
    Thank you again
    Fercho
     
  9. Hi significant other
    Thank you for your advise, you are absolutely right.
    I know this will mKe our relation stronger and better. My addiction has deteriorate our sex life in a big way, because I am not really excited when we have sex together and I just need to pretend. This is not healthy, and I know it.
    We have been together since we were 15 years old and married for 26 years, I know this will be a small storm but eventually it will help
    Thank you again
    Fercho29
     
  10. Thank you to all of you who advised me to tell my wife about my porn addiction.
    I told her everything this weekend, and it has been great.
    We spent three night in a beach hotel in Naples, FL, and I took advantage of being on vacation, far from the stress of our jobs, to open up.
    When I tried to speak I could not find the words, so I started crying.
    She hugged me, and I could start talking and talking without stopping.
    She was very supportive and tried to understand what I was trying to say (although in some moments probably I was not 100% coherent :)
    I tried to explain her so many things at the same time: how I felt when i realized I had porn addiction, how I was coping with the recovery, how hard was to tell her the truth, etc).
    Anyway, we kept talking the whole day, she made me some questions, and I relaxed like never in the last 15 years. I felt I did not need to hide anything, it took me 20 pounds form my back...a big relief.
    We also had sex and it was great to see that after 20 days of no PMO, I start having a bit less ED and I could feel much more than before, when I was fapping 2-3 times a day and I could not feel anything while I was having sex with her. It was an amazing sensation, I would have never believed that this could happen one month earlier m before I discovered NoFap.
    I am very grateful of these first 20 days, it has been a hard and painful fight but I can feel my transformation.
    fercho
     
    Traht and Deleted Account like this.
  11. dontwasteadrop

    dontwasteadrop Fapstronaut

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    @significantother "what I don't understand is how you can hide your problem when she can help"

    Hiding this part of our lives is something were trained to do from the very beginning. The shame, embarrassment and depression that comes with PMO makes it unbelievably difficult to come out as an addict.

    Part of addiction is lying to keep it a secret, but once she finally know you'll be relieved. Women know something is up anyways, so its better to let her know the facts.
     
  12. dontwasteadrop

    dontwasteadrop Fapstronaut

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    For me my problem got progressively worse during a particular phase of my life. My addiction began to have major affects on my relationship and I had no idea I had a problem until I found this site.

    There was a side of myself that kept me in denial and told lies and basically whatever it took to maintain the PMO habit.
     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2015
  13. MattRN

    MattRN Fapstronaut

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    I'm in the same place :-( although I have a much shorter relationship. I feel that it would help me to tell her I just don't know how to get it out in the open. She has no idea about my P use.
     
  14. Hi MattRN
    It was super difficult for me too, as you can read in one of my previous posts.
    I was trying to find the way several days, but when the moment came, my voice disappeared and I simply started crying.
    I told her that I needed to tell her something important, she hugged me and I could start talking, telling her that I have recently discovered that porn is an addiction, and that I am a porn addict.
    I could not stop talking during an hour ( probably with not too much coherence) trying to explain her about the dopamine trap, the way my brain was asking all the time for more and more, how sad I was always feeling and I did not know why, etc.
    I was almost all the time wanting to be alone, I could not stand her speaking, Imwas rejecting her.
    I realized now how unfair I was, and how much I was hurting her because I was neglecting her.
    I explained her that Imalways loved her, but at the same time the porn addiction was driving me farther and farther away.
    You cannot imagine how liberated I felt after this conversation .
    She took it very calmly, and started making questions to understand it better.
    It was a three days process ( we were on vacation alone, so it was perfect timing ).
    The most important thing is that our relationship made a 180 degrees turn.
    She was feeling that I did not love her anymore, that SHE was doing something wrong, she imagined as had other lovers, that I wanted the divorce, etc.
    Since that day we have had sex every day, is like we are trying to catch up.
    I have ED due to so many years of fapping out of control, but at least after 23 days of no fapping I could get back an erection for 4-5 minutes. It was incredible for me, because this did not happen for years without using Viagra.
    For me it is like a miracle.
    One of the things that she told me open my eyes. She says that she is so happy to know what was wrong in our relation, because now she can help me.
    I am the kind of person that always try to show that I am perfect and everything is totally under control. She told me :" a person like that is not likable, because it seems that it is 100% complete by himself, and the is no room for anybody else".
    Perhaps I was showing that I was perfect to hide the porn addiction, who knows?
    I am far from perfect because this addiction made me a sick person.
    I am very happy with how I am changing since I started NoFap.
    I am amazed about how my brain is retiring so fast, if somebody would have told me this one month ago Imwould not have believed one single word.
    Do not hesitate anymore. GO FOR IT!
    You do not have anything to lose, but a lot to gain
    Good luck
    Fercho
     
  15. dontwasteadrop

    dontwasteadrop Fapstronaut

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    She probably knows that something is off anyways. Try to see things from her perspective, she is likely thinking the worst.

    I found it really difficult to find the words to express what I was going through. This isn't something that we naturally talk about and have learned that we should hide this side of ourselves from the start.

    I would suggest that you tell her some of the issues that you're being affected with (loss of sexual appetite, emotionally distant, feelings of isolation, depression etc.). And how everything is tied together.

    That eventually leads to the realization that porn has had a profoundly negative effect on all facets of your life.

    With that background information already out there it may be easier for her to understand what you're going through. That will make it easier for you to finally come out to her.

    Then she will know its not just a lack of self control and being a perverted. Its an emotional and social coping mechanism.

    In the words of homer Simpson. It seems like "the cause of; and solution to; all of life's problems"

    I hope this helps your perspective and makes it easier for anyone who is struggling with coming out.

    best of luck everyone!!
     
  16. I agree with you dontwastadrop:
    If she loves you she will understand that this is a disease like any other addiction, not something that you are doing to HER
    if she does not understand and start giving you a hard time, this means she does not love you, so it is a good time to know
    The worst thing you should do is to keep hiding this and continue your relation, even getting married.
    Some day this will come out and she will feel betrayed that you did not give her an opportunity to know before making the decision to be with you forever ( this is what I was more afraid of).
    I noticed also that after telling her, I became much more accountable of my NoFap challenge, because I need now to tell her how I am doing, if I had a good day, or I felt weak and driven by urges.
    BTW, our sex life improved a lot since I spoke out, ( which of course helps, lol)
    Fercho
     
  17. IGY

    IGY Guest

    I cast my vote before I read your story and it has been very uplifting. You did the right thing and now you and your wife are benefitting from doing so. Having a relationship where there are no secrets must be amazing. You deserve all the happiness you get! :)
     
  18. dontwasteadrop

    dontwasteadrop Fapstronaut

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    Its also worth mentioning that having no secrets creates a closer bond and in my relationship our sex life returned to a very close and passionate one. Everything as a whole in your relationship should change for the better :)
     
  19. Hi IGY and dontwaste:
    I totally agree.
    If someone would have told me one month ago all this I would have thought that it was everything BS.
    Even more: I discovered that the last two days I started smelling my wife perfume and asked her if she is using a new one.
    She smiled and replied: "no, it is the same than the last 10 years, but probably now you are noticing".
    Can you believe that even our smell gets fucked up with the porn addiction?
    To tell everybody the true, I was a bit skeptical the first day I read so many postings in this site describing all the changes that you experience during rebooting.
    NOW I AM BELIEVER :)
    Fercho
     
  20. MattRN

    MattRN Fapstronaut

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    So, I would like to give you an update on my situation. I have been in a relationship for 4 years. I am ready to take it to the next level. I did not feel it was right to do this without being open with her about my addiction. She had no idea that I looked at P. I sat her down last night and told her. I have been PMO free for 5 days as of today. I am in a total flat line and she has been wondering why I am not attentive to her.
    It went over well. She was shocked but very supportive. I told her about this community and shower her some of the your brain on P videos.

    Overall it is a relief to have her know. I advise you to include your wife in your recovery.
     

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