Telling your other half and how it went for you?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by zippytime, Jul 12, 2015.

  1. zippytime

    zippytime Fapstronaut

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    Hi all.

    I'm really looking for some stories, good or bad about your experience of telling your other half about your struggle or success with nofap.

    At the beginning of my journey 140 or so days ago, I had an almighty row with my long term girlfriend and said some horrible things while the wrong side of a good few beers.

    The following day I apologised and filled with regret started some soul searching which lead me to this place. I always knew I had a problem with pmo and erotica literature for over 15 years but only once I had watched the TED talks did things click into place. Then and there I decided to stop pmo and try to fix myself. This way I could potentially be the kind of boyfriend, and one day husband, i knew she deserved.

    We had not been as physical with each other in recent years as we have both been struggling with weight issues and self image. But I wanted to fix that and this seemed to offer the answers. We are winning the weight battle, I am winning with pmo but the relationship seems to be treading water.

    The first weeks were tough, really tough, I was and still am in hard mode, but it got easier, all the while in the back of my head I was thinking I should tell her, she deserves to know. I'm just worried about the crushing hurt it would cause her to know of my nightly deceit and the fear of loosing her from opening up with the truth. But surely she wonders why I have not initiated anything, I also wonder why she hasn't either.

    After the 90 day mark, The longer this process has gone on the more I was telling myself that soon enough we would be physical and things would be fixed. This way I'd not have to hurt her and the relationship would begin to repair.

    Basically I've not felt like initiating anything, partly because I didn't want to fall of this path of no O, as I was really beginning to like myself again, but also I fear slipping or even rejection from her. Also I have been going through a promotion and series of interviews at work that could change our financial lifestyle for the better, and the extra Man powers I've been feeling have made me believe I owe these powers to nofap, so didn't want to jeopardise interviews or meetings by having sex and loosing powers.

    To put it bluntly we are both in a cohabiting sexless relationship and I fear we are drifting apart. She is my soul mate and I love her, I know she loves me, but we are both isolated people and I want that closeness back.

    If anyone can offer advice or tales of how they managed this I would be forever grateful.
     
  2. SkyDoge

    SkyDoge Fapstronaut

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    I will tell you how it went for me. She cried. She shook with rage. She is still trying to struggle through feelings of inadequacy and not being attractive. But she was grateful for my honesty and we have emerged stronger than ever in our love.

    My experiences up to now have taught me: a romantic relationship cannot survive without sex. If it's been longer than 90 days since you have made your girlfriend feel desirable, you have a big problem PMO or not.

    Also: You cannot truly feel close to someone unless you have no secrets from them.

    Your girlfriend's happiness should be a lot more important to you than your NoFap progress, and a lot more important than your fear of rejection.

    These "Man powers" you feel that you've gained from your no-sex streak are mostly psychological.

    The greatest danger to your recovery is not having sex with your girlfriend. The greatest danger to your recovery will be when your girlfriend leaves you for not having sex with her. Then you will become depressed and likely relapse.
     
  3. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    It is absolutely heart breaking to hear that your significant other has a PMO addiction but once the initial hurt dies down, the healing can take place. It isn't an easy road but I always encourage full honesty in a relationship. Especially if you plan to marry this girl one day.

    Good luck!
     
    zippytime, Limeaid and Gamerwife85 like this.
  4. 21decisionforlife

    21decisionforlife Fapstronaut

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    I am young of age compared to most here i believe neverthrless i understand what you mean. I had the same fears with my gf and it took me a lot of courage to talk to her. I was astounished like hell that she took it all very well and did her best to boosten my moud and said it was alright (i was crying like a baby). If someone loves you truly they will accept this and move on with you, that the lesson i learned from that
     
    Limeaid likes this.
  5. Limeaid

    Limeaid Guest

    My husband finds way more "super powers" after sex with me so don't compare orgasms through masturbation as being the same as through a loving partner. Since we have been having regular sex again my husband has gotten a ton of raises and his productivity at work has gone up exponentially. He gets stuff done around the house (without me nagging) and he is in charge of the finances. Don't fear losing powers when connecting with your gf. It is the greatest thing ever because you will finally feel like a man.

    Communication is key. Just start talking to her. Swallow your pride and get vulnerable. All great things start with vilnerability. She might get angry, she might reject you, she might lash out, who knows! But you are trying, you have 140 days under your belt (way to go!!) so you can show her your dedication to the cause. Get her to watch the TED talks and get her to come on here. Many women have partners that PMO so tell her she is not alone. She can come talk to us! It is time to turn this around. I ended up in a sexless marriage for a very long time because both my husband and .i were at a standstill with neither one of us wanting to face our problems. I finally hit rock bottom and my husband gave up PMO and we are living our best life because of it. You can do this!!
     
  6. zippytime

    zippytime Fapstronaut

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    Ok. So 3 weeks ago I bit the bullet and told Mt girlfriend about my past struggle with pmo. That it was the true cause of my depression and anxiety and that I had been over 150 days clear of any p. M or o.

    She was hurt. She felt betrayed and the last few weeks have been really tough for us. But there is a chunk in her armour she opened up that she felt the reason we hadn't been intimate was because of a weight gain.

    Honesty will get us to where we want to be. Thanks for your advice above.
     
    Strugglesaurus likes this.
  7. knowlg2

    knowlg2 Fapstronaut

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    Well done zippytime, I can tell you after years of hiding this in my marriage for over 9 years, and over 15 of being in a relationship with her, that absolutely no good could come in hiding this any longer, the additional damage you could cause my holding onto it into marriage, kids, whatever would surely make the situation far worse. It's going to hurt regardless of when you tell another (how could it not?) but in order for you to truly move on from it, you need to be open and honest about it and strive to move forward as a couple.

    I'm relieved to see you did tell your GF, I'm even more relieved of her eventual support; I hope I can get there myself with my spouse. You've got a good thing there, keep it going :)
     
    zippytime likes this.

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