Ten (or even more) lost years

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by yesihaveaproblem, Oct 2, 2019.

  1. yesihaveaproblem

    yesihaveaproblem New Fapstronaut

    Hello everyone,

    30 year old here, I finally made the step to create an account here, since I do have a serious problem.

    A short history of my porn addiction
    I have a (rather rare) fetish. It does not matter which one and I rather keep it to myself, it's NSFL. (EDIT: see below) However, this fetish does not involve any kind of abuse or violence. I discovered these particular liking as a kid, so I am sure it is not related to PMO.

    As teenager, the only way I could act out my fetish was by watching porn. Apart from that I had a pretty normal youth, I had affairs with girls, relationships and all that stuff. However, I never stopped watching fetish porn. And it got more and more, until I did it so often that I neglected my studies. I remember times, were I did not leave my room for several days, just because I could not stop fapping all day long. These "fapping days" went on for years, and I lost countless days. Obviously, I failed many exams---just because of my PMO addiction. Today, I am convinced that PMO prolonged my studies for about four years. However, at some point, I still managed to graduate. Graduating late is common in my country, so luckily that is not a big deal. But deep down inside, I know that I graduated years too late, just because of PMO. I could have done so much better!

    I tried to quit porn for so many years, so many times and I lost all hope at some point. However, I have a good job, a girlfriend, friends and a decent life. But all this jeopardized by PM.

    Some highlights of my porn addiction
    • For the last two years, I got up early, when my girlfriend got up and went to work. And I spent the entire morning just fapping---for hours(!)
      • I usually went to the office at noon and after some hours of work, I could not concentrate because I thought about PMO all the time. Since, I am often alone in my office I even watched porn in the office. Showing up late at the office is common in my job, so this does not arouse suspicion.
    • I was late to many appointments because I could not stop fapping in time.
    • Once my hand made fapping movements while being in half sleep---while lying next to my ex-girlfriend. That was about five years ago and it rang my alarm bells. However, I could not stop, no matter how hard I tried.
    • My ring finger has one muscle, that seems to be stronger, I can feel it.
    • I experienced serious problems getting up in the morning (it got worse, recently). Even though I woke up, I fapped (up to ten times (!)) and it took me hours to get up.
    • I fapped (with and without porn) even though I did not feel like fapping, I "had to" (a clear proof of my addiction).
    • I could not stop, no matter how much I tried, no matter how often I came---even if I did want to stop. Again a proof of addiction.
    My problems caused by PM
    • Concentrating is super-hard, no matter how often I do PMO. It was a lot easier when I did not watch so much porn.
    • At some point I could barely work(!), because I was thinking about PMO all the time. Put differently I was ruining my career!
      • I had some serious (but manageable) failings at work, because of my addiction. But it is not too late to fix this.
      • I work less hours than my work contract requires. Which is not a problem, since most results are fine and nobody notices. But I could achieve so much more!
    • Sometimes I experienced PIED.
    • PMO addiction took me so much time. I mean, lost years of my career.
    • Often I had little self-esteem and I am becoming more and more quiet. I'm sure that's related to PMO, typically, I'm talkative and funny.
    • When I did too much PMO, I lacked motivation for almost anything.
    Things I am afraid of
    • I tried so many times and failed. Naturally, I'm afraid to fail again.
      • My last NF attempt (without creating an account) lasted less than a week.
    • Since I watched porn for so many years, I fear that my personality might change.
      • I might get more self-confident, when arguing with my girlfriend. That might have some consequences on our relationship. Maybe good ones, maybe bad ones.
    • I like drinking, but I control myself. Not too often. I fear alcohol might become a PSUB.
    Things that motivate me
    • I still have pretty good chances in my career, even if I wasted so much time on porn. Luckily, I am socially skilled: I can present my self, I'm good at networking and I'm not so bad in my field.
    • My grandpa was incredibly disciplined. He suddenly died when I was on holiday, he would be very disappointed, if I waste my life on PM.
    • I quit smoking about 6 years ago. I rebooted my smoking habits to one cigarette every few month. I can do the same with porn!
    • I have many interests and hobbies. I just had no time for them because of my porn addiction!
    • I want to be a father some day. I cannot imagine being a good one, while being addicted to PMO.
      • My girlfriend does not want to have children. That is a heavy lot for me, but that is another topic.
    • The stories in this community. I don't feel alone.
    • There are so many things to discover in life!
    • I am an incurable optimist. There is always hope.
    • Sometimes I managed to stay clean for a day or two. Staying clean gives you so much power! I want that power!
    • Day 2 is almost over now and I feel so much more power and achieved things!
    Things I want to achieve
    • Regain control about my life. It was dominated by porn and I want to be free and not controlled by porn anymore!
    • Regain my ability to concentrate.
    • Improve my self-discipline.
    • Spend more productive time on my hobbies.
    • Enjoy it when I attract women.
    • Stay clean until I fell rebooted. At October 1st, I started a 90 days challenge. No more PM this year! With maybe one onetime exception for a special occasion. But I'm not sure about that yet. EDIT: Fuck that one time, that's way to dangerous!

    I'm happy to share experiences, exchange with fellows, be an AP (messaging only) and help others.

    Stay strong everyone!
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2019
  2. rafael33

    rafael33 Fapstronaut

    Welcome to the Nofap community.
    The NO PMO journey is not easy but worth the effort.
    The community will support you.

    There is always hope. Exactly!

    Great! Forget exceptions. You can’t imagine how strong you are.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  3. rafael33

    rafael33 Fapstronaut

    Welcome to the Nofap community.
    The NO PMO journey is not easy but worth the effort.
    The community will support you.

    There is always hope. Exactly!

    Great! Forget exceptions. You can’t imagine how strong you are.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  4. LakeMichigan

    LakeMichigan Fapstronaut

    @yesihaveaproblem welcome to nofap. I am glad you took the decision to quit PMO and yes you may have to get rid of that "one" time in the beginning. People are experimenting with using MO again but as far as I am concerned my efforts are to stay away from PMO as much as possible but you can think about these things after you finish your reboot.

    For me, one of the indications that someone is committed to change is their first message. People who write a big post are usually more committed than people who don't write a detailed message. Of course, it is not a universal statement. Anyway, I know what you mean by getting behind in life because of PMO and I can attest to that.

    You do have to address your fetish issue since this is an anonymous account you can use this account to disclose it or just create another account and use it to describe your fetish and delete that account. It is possible that your fetish is creating shame for you and a good way to escape that shame is to numb those feelings by fapping. It creates a vicious circle so you have to find a way to address that fetish. Whatever may be your fetish just know that I still recognize you that you are a human being and you are still part of the human community. Just like me, you lost your way.

    I encourage you to start your journal and make entries to track your progress.

    I wish you good luck!
  5. Hello and welcome! :)

    We are glad to have you as a part of our community. Here are some quick links to get you started.

    Getting Started Guide | How to Use theNoFap Forums | Panic Button | Day Counter | Rebooting Resources |ForumRules | Glossary

    If you wish to keep a journal of your progress you can do so in the appropriate section found here

    You can also take part in one of the many challenges available. It can be atremendous help. Challenges

    Also, there are groups you can also join if you wish to do so. You can browse through them here. Groups

    There are plenty of wonderful, friendly and knowledgeable people here to help you along on your journey to a life free of PMO. I wish you nothing but the best!
  6. yesihaveaproblem

    yesihaveaproblem New Fapstronaut

    Thank you guys for encouraging me and reading my post. It feels great to know that I'm not alone. I know, that I must continue, if I want to achieve my life-goals. So the choice is simple: Either wasting my life to porn, or doing NF.

    You are right. The more I contemplate, the more I realize: exceptions won't do any good. Exceptions are just a gateway to old habits. Habits I need to get rid of.

    Thank you! You are right, my porn addiction is somewhat related to my fetish. I have no problem addressing it, since I've done so before---several times. First, I though that it would be decent to spare the community from this story, but meanwhile I think that my story could help others.

    My fetish is a scat fetish. I'm aroused when girls defecate. I feel absolutely no shame for that, since it's how I am. I committed that fetish to my ex-girlfriend and my current girlfriend. Both were understanding. My ex-girlfriend was even willing to act it out. That was wonderful, but did not keep me from watching porn. Not because she could not satisfy me, but because the relationship was not so good, we simple didn't match. My current girlfriend is fine with my fetish, but does not want to act it out, which is fine. I can live happily without it.

    History of my fetish (skip this if you don't want to read about how a scat fetish develops)
    I'm pretty sure, that I developed my scat fetish in my early childhood. For some reason I remember a situation where a girl was diapered. I think this is one of my first memories, since I still know the girl (a woman now) and she is more than one year older than me. Consequently, I'm sure that I was still wearing diapers back then. It's fascinating, what we remember of our very early experiences.
    Another time (I was 4 or 5) a girl pooped in front of me while playing in a big garden.
    All that was long before I even knew about sexuality, but it shaped me and I don't want to miss it, since it's a part of me. I'm not a bit ashamed for this fetish, it's just human sexuality. Awkward somehow, but I'm not alone with it and I'm at peace with having this fetish. It does not matter if someone is aroused, by scat, by feet, by breasts, by buttocks, by muscles, by penises or whatever. It's just human sexuality. And that's fine as long as no harm is done.

    Yes, I will definitely do that! Probably, I'll have some spare time for that next week.

    Just some experiences from the first 3 days of my journey :
    • I feel so much more power.
    • I get things done.
    • I feel that my ability to concentrate improves.
    • I walk upright. I did not expect this. Before doing NF, I used to look down on my feet. Now I walk upright, without controlling it. That's amazing!
    • I realized that I really have no choice this time. I have to do NF, I must stay strong. In my current situation porn is not something I can "use" like non-addicted people. I can have a drink and it has no serious consequences for me, I can enjoy and forget it. Somebody who is suffering from alcohol abuse can ruin his or her life with only one drink. It's exactly the same for me with porn: While "healthy" people can watch porn, say once a week and enjoy it, I cannot, as it would ruin my life. Like an alcoholic I'm addicted, porn is dangerous for me. Put differently, I cannot "use" it in a healthy way. If a healthy way of consuming porn exists at all...
    • I still have troubles getting up. Even tough I wake up early, I lie in bed and contemplate about how important it is for me to do NF. That's motivating! And I feel its somewhat normal, since I'm changing my life.
    • I still have lots of fantasies, which is fine as they have little or no negative impact on my life and sexual fantasies are a normal thing. How do you guys deal with sexual fantasies that just popup in your head?
    I will stay strong! I hope you do too :)
    rafael33 and LakeMichigan like this.
  7. Jefe Rojo

    Jefe Rojo Fapstronaut

    Welcome here! We’re glad you’re here with us. Thanks for your detailed post. It looks like you have a very analytical mind. It is possible to change. It won’t be easy.

    Nah, just read a few relapse reports here on NoFap and you’ll never want to touch the stuff ever again. Even a little porn can cause you to spiral out of control. It will take a phenomenal effort to get past porn. Intentionally watching porn after you get past it could ruin you and your motivation. It could set you back months, even years. I’ve seen it first hand.

    Best of luck to you! You’ll succeed as you leave PMO behind you one day at a time. :)
    rafael33 likes this.
  8. Good luck to you too. Regarding your title, I have this to say...
    "Regret over wasted time is more wasted time."

    Best wishes
    Jefe Rojo likes this.
  9. Jefe Rojo

    Jefe Rojo Fapstronaut

    I agree. We can’t change the past but we can make choices right now that will change our future.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  10. rafael33

    rafael33 Fapstronaut

    Fantasies come and go like the clouds in the sky. I let them go.

    Obviously it is like alcohol to a alcoholic person. Such a person never should drink one drop of alcohol.
    Thanks God I am not addicted to porn at all. I don’t like porn and I don’t watch it. I consider it as waste of time.

    The statement of having wasted a lot of time in the past is important for my learning process. Wasting time is the only sin I know. This life is very short and very precious - I don’t want to waste time.
    Jefe Rojo likes this.
  11. yesihaveaproblem

    yesihaveaproblem New Fapstronaut

    Thank you! That's a very motivating statement, since I don't want to waste the power of my mind to porn.

    You guys are right! Fuck that one time, I need to get rebooted completely.

    Exactly! I am a person that does regret much anyway. So I look ahead to a future without the chains of porn.

    Indeed, time is the most valuable thing we have.

    Thank you guys! It's day 4 now and I feel so much better. Even tough I sit alone in front of my computer, I feel my natural power, not disturbed by porn. My will feels strong and I am full of resolution. At the moment urges do not even come up, since I do not allow them. I want to sit and work on my duties, with full focus. I didn't experienced that feel of full control over myself in a long time. I'm so glad!
    Deleted Account and Jefe Rojo like this.
  12. Jefe Rojo

    Jefe Rojo Fapstronaut

    That’s great! 4 days is a very good start. Definitely some signs of progress. It will get difficult soon though. Keep working hard and don’t get discouraged. I would suggest creating a journal here on NoFap in the logs section. It allows you to write out your thoughts and feelings and it also allows others to follow you and provide encouragement and or advice.
  13. yesihaveaproblem

    yesihaveaproblem New Fapstronaut

    Thanks for encouraging me! I will do my best! I have a bunch of cool things to do. So I'll just keep myself busy. I really fear the time when it get's hard for the first time, but I'm prepared: I'll just go running, cycling or go working to a public place immediately.

    I definitely will start a journal, but at the moment I'm too busy, which is good. So maybe when it gets hard for the first time ;)
    Jefe Rojo likes this.

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