Tension & Confusion

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Lostneverland, Mar 27, 2019.

  1. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    PA returned home from work. He’s tense distant and cold. We talked briefly this morning and he doesn’t know if he wants the marriage. He thinks he may have done too much damage and it may be too much work for him . We’re talking a 40yr porn history. We’ve been together for almost 20 years.
    I have no idea what’s going on in his mind. He says he’s been porn free since D-day in September. Is it his shame and realization of how much damage he’s done? Is it that he just doesn’t want the relationship? Is he afraid of dealing with his deep seated issues?
    I DONT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS SITUATION!
    I don’t know what questions to ask, or if I should ask anything? He’s attended 4 SA meetings and is planning on attending 5 more this week. He also has an appt with a specialist.Arg...this is so overwhelming.
    Ideally what I would like is for his for him to say is , “I love you, I’m sorrry, please forgive me, I want our marriage to work and I’m going to do whatever it takes. Are you up for it and will you give me a chance?”
    Maybe I’m living in a dream world.
    I’m totally lost in never land..
     

  2. I am so sorry that you are going through this *hugs* Is he focusing on you saying he's done too much damage he feels, or himself being selfish with saying "it's too much work for him"...? I can see how you are so confused because he talks in circles almost? :(


    If I had to guess on this one, it's that he isn't dealing with the deep issues. He may be going through the motions of counseling but he seems to really have something more going on?

    1. Breath.
    2. This seems to be the fork in the road, and if I were in your shoes, I'd go to a session with him, and find out what the heck is going on. It can't hurt at this point and either way that he ends up going, YOU need closure and are owed that much.
    3. Know you are going to be okay no matter the outcome.

    The fact he has not done this just screams out that he isn't fully into this recovery. Mourde did this very early on, so it's not a dream or a wish, it does happen with them, when THEY want to. The years I've spent screaming, shouting, begging, pleading, wishing, hoping, crying...all wasted, until he finally found his own moment of enlightenment and then things started to click. Yours HAS to have that moment.

    I am soso sorry to read this. I did earlier and wanted to post sooner but typing from a phone wasn't ideal. I'm sending warm hugs and support and prayers your way and please reach out if you need to talk.
     
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  3. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    It could be all of the above. He needs to know that you want your marriage to work (that's obviously from you, and maybe you have done that) but he also needs to overcome the shame enough that he thinks the marriage can recover. That shame could come from undisclosed or deep seated issues that he is (or is failing to) white knuckling through right now.

    I think with the schedule he is on....he's probably failing and not being honest about it (been their, done that). That schedule sucks for recovery.

    I agree that finding out what is going on is important, and if you can go to a counseling session with him that might be helpful if you both know the goal going into the session....you'd probably want to wait for a few one on ones with him and the counselor first though or he won't be comfortable.

    I do understand the sentiment of thinking that leaving is the better option if the husband doesn't think they can solve/fix the problems and make their spouse happy. That's pretty important for men and we don't like it when we think that is impossible....we also don't like it when we've been caught betraying that goal, ie the usual stuff after PMO D-days.

    I hope that is helpful.
     
  4. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    SOofanaddict... thanks for your input. Funny you should mention circle talk. It was one of our first arguments, how he talks in circles, saying one thing and then counter balancing it with another comment...CRAZYMAKING.

    As for his theraphy session, we went together for the first one , and it was decided that the theraphist would see my husband one on one and then later see us together. How much later, I’m not sure.

    Ya...I really don’t know what’s going on. AT ALL
     
  5. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Hey Faceplanter...thank you for your input. Yes I have told him that he is a good man , and he is. He’s just done some pretty darn hurtful things.
    He agrees that the shift work isn’t conducive to recovery and said he didn’t know what else he could do. I said, well you have the email I sent you on your phone about the 12 steps. ( he requested I send that to him) I said you could read that , contemplate the step and the message etc...his response was, “ ya I guess so.”
    He’s still in the poor me, I screwed everything up..and I don’t know what to do.
    Ya...it feels like he’s going through the motions, but not investing in the program. I tried to explain, that it’s not about passing or failing, it’s about learning new coping skills and changing behaviour. He enjoys the SA program...and commented tonight, maybe I’ll meet someone who has a motorbike so we can go riding together! I’m thinking...SERIOUSLY...that’s what your goal is.
    I beginning to think, I don’t even know who he is...and quite honestly, I doubt he knows who he is.
    It’s like living with Jim Carey from the movie Me ,Myself and Irene. This is getting really weird..tonight he talked for two hours about all stuff going on at work. He talked passionately, fully invested in the outcome of various situations. But our situation, he shuts down twiddles his thumbs , avoids looking at me, and it’s a ho hum...is this over yet type response.

    In the past I’ve gotten so frustrated with this behaviour that I just quit trying to talk with him. I can visually see him flick the switch to off.

    Thank you for your input . Much appreciated.
     
  6. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    I went to bed earlier and I couldn’t sleep. Tossed around etc...I was bothered by a you tube video PA showed me. He asked if I had ever heard of lykoi cats..sometimes called werewolves cats . I said, no. So he picked up he’s IPad and pulled up a video he had watched at work. Go figure ,he has time to watch you tube videos on the work site! Anyway the video he shows me is of a girl with a big bosom and a dry low cut t-shirt. She’s the interviewer. Throughout the video you see her and in one scene there are three women laying together on a chaise lounge type thing. I said, oh I see why this video..he immediately starts defending himself , but then ends saying , no I realize that , but I wanted to show you the video. I must of looked kinda confused, cause shortly after he shut it down.
    Normally this type of thing wouldn’t both me...but given the circumstances and current state of his “marriage” ya think he would have more insight as to what is acceptable and what isn’t.
    Am I being over sensitive ? I don’t know any longer!
    I felt uncomfortable as there are thousands of videos of lykio cats...why this one?
    And the idea of going to SA and hoping to make friends to go motor bike riding with, just makes me want to walk out the door.
    What the heck is he thinking?
     
  7. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    NO! You are not being over sensitive. The "normal" rules don't apply. The addiction makes things that would be no big deal into HUGE deals. After wading in and finding out how all pervasive the addicted mindset was in my husband, I am now hypersensitive to things I would never have noticed before. Seemingly small things a healthy person could ignore act to support and feed the addiction in him. He is being led around by his addiction and is totally oblivious (in denial) about why he makes the choices he makes. For instance, my husband would have a list of Youtube videos he had viewed about sailing. I began to notice that even though there are probably millions of normal sailing videos on youtube, ALL of the ones he viewed were pitched with provocative titles, promising topless women or orgies on board, etc. But when I questioned him about it he would say, "I just like sailing!" Then I would show him that ALL the choices involved sexual content, he would say, "Wow. I never noticed that." Who knows whether he noticed or not - he's a liar - but it is possible it never registered with him how the addiction was controlling him. NEVER think you are being over-sensitive. You are justified.
     
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  8. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Thank you Susannah for clarifying . We talked this morning and he said he agreed with me. I stated that he wasn’t in recovery he was delusional and needs to immerse himself in mental health support and recovery. He did try to worm his way around it and I called him on it.
    I swear to god, there are two distinct sides to this man. I can literally see him switch into the “ good little boy”...only to be followed up by some sort of mean, manipulative demon.
    I so truly and deeply appreciate your validation. High five to you.
     
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  9. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Yup - when good little boy isn't working, they go right to cornered, wounded animal.
     
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