Terrible desperation after breakup - could it be porn withdrawal?

During this recent breakup, I have noticed a certain pattern in my emotional and mental state. In the first few days I cope in what I believe is pretty normal. There is denial, guilt, regret, hope, sadness, anger, etc. But there's always the underlying feeling that I will come out alright at the end, that I can survive this!

But then, after a week or two, I become insanely emotional, missing my ex in an excrutiatingly painful way, so much that I firmly believe I can never love any other woman again, that I can never again do the activities we did together, because it would remind me too much of her, and so on. The underlying feeling that I will get out of this alive is gone, it's replaced by a dark desperation. When I'm feeling like that, all I can think of is telling her how much I miss her, how much I love her, how much I want her back. It's a very dark place, and I suspect it's not a healthy or normal reaction to a breakup. (I can only suspect because all my breakups have been like that.)

But today I had a realization. After every breakup I automatically drop all PMO because even in the first weeks - where I can still cope - PMO couldn't be further from my mind. No urges, no visual flashbacks, nothing at all. So, after a breakup I basically go into my longest rebooting phase in a long, long time.

So, what I'm getting at.. could it be that this dark desparation is a combination of normal feelings of loss after a breakup AND the porn withdrawal symptons kicking in? Maybe I'm confusing a reboot depression and anxiety with (lost) love?

This may sound stupid, because how could I not know if I'm feeling love or not, right!? But with my porn addiction I was certainly not able to really express (or maybe even really feel?) love in my relationship. And again, I have no other reference point because I haven't had many long-term relationships, and they were all marred and ultimately destroyed by the porn addiction.

So I'm asking if some of you have experienced something similar, or can give me some perspective, or just your opinion. I'm really thankful for any feedback!

 

Many thanks for your reply. It's true, I feel so much more, but I really hope that this hopelessness and despair is more a result of the addiction withdrawals. In the last days the darkest clouds have lifted somewhat in the evenings, so it's not permanent. I think I would self-destruct otherwise.

Your notion that I might be mourning the love itself and not the person.. I never considered that before. I wouldn't know how I could make that distinction. It sure doesn't feel that way. Do you see this more as a way to look differently at things, or is it something I could really find out through introspection?

I'm sorry for how your last relationship ended. You talking in past tense sounds like you're over it by now, and I imagine the certainty that it would never worked gives you some closure? I do not have this certainty at all. If anything, I can't get the notion out of my head that it *would* work out when I get rid of this addiction (and I will). But I know this is a very self-centered view, and probably a false hope, as my ex only knows the addicted me (except for some short episodes).