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Terrified of my own paranoia?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by wildwood, May 30, 2015.

  1. wildwood

    wildwood Fapstronaut

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    Well hi there folks, just wanting a little bit of advise from the partners of addicts. Well my boyfriend (whom I've been dating for five years) is almost 2 months pmo free (yay!) even though wonderful changes have been happening I still feel as if he is in someway going to lie or hide something from me, I sometimes worry if during sex if he thinks about something or if something pops up. He told me a few times a random thought will pop up but he doesn't want to ruin the moment for me. I have told him to please stop if this happens ( the thought of having him inside me while this happens really freaks me out ) but again he says it will ruin the moment, he says he brushes it off but should he keep going if that happens? I'm just ridiculously worried and sometimes I think of how stupid I feel. It is truly aggravating.
     
  2. Limeaid

    Limeaid Guest

    Perhaps you shouldn't be having sex with him if this bothers you. Two months is not a very long time (although it is great!!) but maybe waiting longer is a good idea? I can't tell you what to do but you cannot guarantee that a thought is not going to pop up from time to time this early in his reboot especially if he has either used fantasy before or hasn't taken any sexual break. It is a shitty situation to be in but it will get better for both of you.
     
  3. wildwood

    wildwood Fapstronaut

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    We did 2 weeks hardmode which made him very anxious, so we decided only once a week if we were both in the mood (does not include if he has an urge). I only have these feelings when he isn't around only when he's at work (we don't live together) when I know there are bound to be plenty of women, never during or after just then. Now whenever we hug or kiss his "buddy" pops up so it can get weird but we mostly ignore it. We don't actually have alot of sex due to our agreement (except for our special weekend we had), we are finally coming to terms with MY feelings so it brings up these negative emotions. It's just been a crazy rollercoaster but it's getting better. Thank you for reading and replying it's very much appreciated! We will reconsider our current agreement.
     
  4. wildwood

    wildwood Fapstronaut

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    @significantother He no longer does this, I only fear it. He only (and very rarely,twice in the beginning of his reboot) had a porn flashback during foreplay, which he has been honest he brushed it off. He is very attentive and loving to me in the bedroom, it's real intimacy for the first time. He's not just trying, he's doing. It's just the fear of him lying to me that really haunts me. I had told him if he ever does this again it's over (which scares him to end) which now lying is no longer involved in our relationship (thank heavens and this site!). I told him the same thing about marriage I do not want to marry or have a family with a man who will lie and have his addiction control him. He has improved so much it's truly amazing, he never closes his eyes during sex or is impatient. I know there is a long road ahead with a few bumps along the way but our sex life hasn't affected his reboot, he has learned how to control his chaser better as well as his affection towards me has grown. He was only anxious about being too touchy or annoying but he did well, though he wouldn't kiss me or cuddle since he was afraid of his member waking up. It's only my fear of the past that haunts me. He has no problem not having sex if I feel uncomfortable, which I never do. I only have these thoughts when I'm alone. I hate how negative I sometimes feel towards him. It's awful :( We did speak about and he now says this reboot is for both of us, he feels EXTREMELY monstrous for the things he has done to me. He has apologized (and still does) but he also shows how much he cherishes me treating me with respect and love. It's a work in progress but we did speak and consider all angles and found something that works wonderfully for us. I appreciate your advice and input to both you and @Limeaid I am truly grateful for this! We both are actually :) I wish you both good health and plenty of love!
     
  5. Limeaid

    Limeaid Guest

    Ah ok I think I understand your issue better now! I think you just need to challenge your thoughts as much as possible. Every time a negative thought about this pops up then list ways in which it isn't true. I do a process called The Work by Byron Katie. You can Google her. I have to do this sometimes today but had to do it a LOT in the beginning. Sometimes negative thinking like this feeds into our own negative self beliefs and it will never go away until you start challenging it. This is helping me a lot with my social anxiety! Before I leave the house I start a negative spiral and then I feel like not going out at all but now I am able to stop it right away and I am going out a lot more and I don't have to look perfect before I go out. This has been huge for me :)
     
    wildwood likes this.

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